Cook To Bang – Recipes To Get You Laid

Blonde jokes just aren't appropriate. S&M is no laughing matter. Right, mistress?

My relationship with desserts is very S&M. To be more accurate, sweets are my dominatrix. I abstain from crack, but have come pretty close to rock bottom. Picture me curled up in a ball on my kitchen floor at 10am on a Tuesday eating cake frosting with a butter knife. It wasn’t pretty. But you should have seen the intervention. We’re talking powder sugar flying by the kilo. And yet my sweet tooth remains a glutton for punishment. Pleasure delaying is part of the torture. I try to be good and eat healthy enough to see next year. But then I allow myself to partake and it’s an embarrassing sight. The mistress of munchies takes over and my humiliation takes center stage. Ladies and gentlemen, behold the sugar-addicted freak that dances for blondies. That blondie demon whore hurts so good.

Total time: approximately 4 minutes

Projected cost: $8

Drinking Buddy: Champagne and strawberries

Ingredients (serves 2):

1. 2 tbsp butterscotch sauce

2. 1 maraschino cherry

3. Whipped cream at your discretion

4. 1-2 scoops vanilla ice cream

5. 1 small handful crushed pecans

6. 1 large HOT DUMB BLONDIE (or equivalent crumbs)

Step 1

Heat up the butterscotch on ultra-low heat in a saucepan. Lay out the blondie like a bed you will soon sin upon. Build an ice cream mountain and pour butterscotch lava down in. Top it off with some whipped cream, deez nutz (pecans) and a popped cherry on top. Hot and cold sex on a platter for two.