October 5, 2010
Abra Bang-dabra!
POOF! Hear that? It’s the sound of a bra disappearing. Straight into thin air. Never seen anything like it. There was this art chick I invited home for food after a gallery party comparing my sandwich to Green Eggs and Ham. But then the avant-garde skeptic stopped making deranged metaphors and took a big green bite…POOOF! Her entire top vanished by the time she finished the first half of the sandwich. The second half was powerful enough to finish the job on her, and then make my pantaloons implode in a supernova. The curse of unnecessary clothing that baffled nerdy scientists for centuries has now been eradicated with the enchanted aphrodisiac PESTO (basil, pine nuts). Read the rest of this entry »
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: art, avant garde, avocado, bang, basil, bread, chicken, chicken sandwich, condiments, condom-ments, delicious, DIY, dr Seuss, easy, gallery, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green, green eggs and ham, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, mayonnaise, naked, no clothes, olive oil, pesto, Pesto chicken sandwich recipe, pine nuts, poof, recipe, rolls, seduce, sex, supernova, tasty, tomato, vanish, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
June 10, 2010
We yes can, yes we will, yes we did bang.
In these dark times, when oil gushes and babies cry, we need something to rely on. Something that can cheers us up. For me, that comes in the form of food and sex. Cook To Bang can’t save the world, but it might be able to save your mood. Put your partisan politics aside and do as Obama said during his campaign, “Yes we can.” Yes we can make a delicious meal. Yes we can serve it to someone we want to sleep with. Yes we can bang all night and into the morning. Yes we can make post-coital breakfast. Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, summer | Tagged: aphrodisiac, babies cry, bang, banging, basil, calivirgin, cantaloupe, cantaloupe appetizers, delicious, DIY, easy, finger food, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, obama, oil gushes, olive oil, partisan politics, president of the united states, proscuitto, recipe, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, yes we can, yes we cantaloupe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 9, 2010
Tequila = boozy floozies in a jacuzzis
Ever just start speaking in rhymes?
Happens at the most inconvenient times?
Dr. Seuss crawled down your throat?
Like someone’s always getting your goat?
Bust out some tangy lime and tequila
Your date is sure to touch and feel ya.
So rather than whine, bitch, and groan
Make pasta so good they will moan
I shall refrain from babbling all night
This rhyming even gives me a fright
Guys, don’t just play with your wang
Good forth, my friends, Cook To Bang!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Sauvignon Blanc or BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 8 OZ spaghetti
2. 3 dashes salt
3. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 2 shots tequila
5. 1/2 can coconut milk
6. 1 lime
7. 1/2 onion diced finely
8. 1 red bell pepper diced finely
9. 1/2 lb chicken cut in bite-sized pieces
Step 1
Boil pasta in salted water (follow package), moving on to the other steps while it becomes al dente, and eventually drain and mix in with the goods.
Step 2
Marinate the chicken with 1/2 a lime, 1 shot of tequila, and a dash of salt. Brown the chicken and set aside with the juice.
Step 3
In the same pan, sauté the onions and red bell pepper in olive oil (approx 3 min). Squeeze in the rest of the lime and tequila and stew (approx 2 min). Add the coconut milk, salt and browned chicken and heat through before mixing in the pasta (approx 3 min).
1 Comment | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, italian, Mediterranean, mexican, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: al dente, babbling, bang, banging, boil, boozy, calivirgin, chicken, coconut milk, delicious, DIY, dr Seuss, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, groan, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, moan, naked, olive oil, onion, recipe, red bell pepper, rhymes, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shots, sonnet, spaghetti, tangy, tasty, tequila, tequila lime pasta recipe, tequila lime rhyme time pasta, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 7, 2009
It's important to catch up with old friends with benefits.
It’s always a trip banging someone you haven’t seen in a long while. The experience seems so foreign, yet so familiar. You remember their curves, their scent, and that thing they do with their tongue. There was definitely a reason that you once engaged in erotic research together. A three-course meal that will require half the day to prepare isn’t in the cards with that much catching up to do. In order to relive those misty watercolor memories of carnal connections, you should make something slamming that can be whipped up in a hurry. This is the concoction I threw together when such an occasion occurred. A long forgotten ex in town for business for a night was the lucky recipient of this accidental bang-de-force. I sent home-girl to her sales meeting with a bounce in her step from a pleasant evening catching up with ketchup.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Red vino always
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes salt
2. 1 dash BASIL flakes
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 3 tbsp ketchup
5. 2 handfuls kale
6. 8-OZ spaghetti
7. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
8. 1 handful goat cheese
9. 1 small eggplant chopped coarsely
10. ½ apple sliced thinly
Step 1
Create the sauce by sautéing the garlic with olive oil. Add the eggplant and a shot glass of water and cook until the water is absorbed (approx 3 min). Throw in the apples, smother them in olive oil, then toss in the kale, spice with salt and basil and cook down the ingredients (approx 4 min). Squeeze in the ketchup, mix around and slow simmer while you move onto Step 2.
Step 2
Salt the boiling water and cook the pasta al dente. Drain the pasta and add it to the pasta sauce and toss thoroughly. Plate up the pasta and crumble goat cheese over.
Serve this up quick and get back to the thick.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, italian, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple, bail, bang, bang-de-force, banging, calivirgin, carbohydrates, carboluscious, carbs, catch up sex, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, erotic research, ex, fast, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, goat cheese, gourmet, gourmet ketchup spaghetti recipe, guarantee, hearty, homemade, intercourse, italian, kale, ketchup, ketchup sex pasta, kitchen, libido, misty watercolor memories, naked, noodles, olive oil, pasta, recipe, salt, sauce, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spaghetti, tasty, vegetarian, veggies, white trash, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 3, 2009
Each noodle is a thread of attraction sliding down their throat into their hearts.
Pasta was my love long before I appreciated the finer foods. From the get-go, I slarped down cans of Chef Boyardee pasta letters, crazy for carbs. You can imagine my frustration over the Atkins zombies ruining food for the rest of us. They don’t understand the rudimentary equation for health: balance of diet and exercise. Therefore their unhealthy dismissal of carbohydrates, the item most essential to early civilization development, makes the pasta pimp in me prep my hand for a bitch-slap. Pasta gets me off. It’s that simple. I need hearty fuel to keep me charging ahead when it’s cold and miserable outside. How else am I going to keep myself charging through the day and make it through to another exhausting evening of cooking to bang? There are too many hearts to break to get weak and mopey due to lack of premium gas pasta power. Your date will be equally stoked for the hearty comfort…unless they are an Atkins freak. Those folks are more likely to smothers their bun-free burger in cow’s blood and howl at the full moon. FYI- Werewolves are hot in the sack, but my doctor says the claw marks dug into my back will probably scar. Let this be a warning to Cook To Bang’s Team Jacob readers.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, sucka! Lots of it.
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 28-OZ can of crushed tomatoes
3. 1 kale bunch
4. 1 radish bunch with stalks/leaves
5. 1 tsp parsley flakes
6. 2 dashes salt
7. 2 sausages chopped into bite-sized pieces
8. Parmesan to taste
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
10. ½ lb whole wheat spaghetti
Step 1
While the spaghetti boils, complete steps 2 & 3. Once al dente, drain and mix in the complete sauce and crown with Parmesan, as you like.
Step 2
Wash the radishes, chopping the stocks and leaves into smaller pieces. Cut off the ends of the radish and slice into bite-sized rounds. Wash the kale too and cut into smaller pieces.
Step 3
Sauté the garlic and radishes in a stockpot until they soften (approx 5 min). Add the radish leaves and kale and cook until they wilt like spinach (approx 3 min). Push the sautéed veggies to one side and sauté the sausages until they brown (approx 3 min). Pour in the tomato can, using a blunt object to pulverize them even further. Spice the sauce with salt and parsley flakes, slow simmer until the pasta is ready, and then go back to Step 1.
This heartiest of hearty pastas goes great with GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD. More carbs, yay!
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES | Tagged: al dente, atkins, balance, bang, banging, bitch-slap, break your hearty pasta, calivirgin, carbohydrates, carbs, chef Boyardee, claw marks, crushed tomatoes, delicious, diet, DIY, early civilization, easy, exercise, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hearty, hearty pasta recipe, homemade, intercourse, italian, kale, kitchen, libido, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, parmesan, parsley, pasta pimp, premium gas, radishes, recipe, salt, sausage, sauté, scar, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, team Edward, team Jacob, twilight, werewolves, whole wheat spaghetti, yummy, zombies | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 27, 2009
Pesto will get the best-o the closet hos.
I was baffled when I received numerous queries from readers who’ve never used or even tasted pesto. First I shed a tear for them, heartbroken they’ve gone through life without the green APHRODISIAC potion. But after my bleeding heart was drained of all liquid and empathy, I resolved to lead those lost souls to the promise land. There is no substitute for homemade pesto…maybe homemade pesto brought into the bedroom for Culinarylingus. This will take your culinary seduction game to a new level. I hope you’re ready to leap onto the highway to the endangered zone. “Why endangered?” you ask. Because ecstatic feelings brought on by a combo of the bliss on your tongue inspiring your date’s tongue to give you even more bliss. Call the World Wildlife Federation because we have solved this crisis. Now go forth and multiply multiple orgasms!
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what amazing feasts you rock with it
Ingredients:
1. 3 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 large BASIL bunch
3. 4 garlic cloves sliced thinly
4. 1 large handful raw PINE NUTS
5. 1 large handful parmesan cheese
Step 1
First pluck all the basil leaves, discarding any that have wilted. Wash them off and chop them coarsely.
Step 2
Using a blender, hand-blender or food processor (pictured), combine the garlic, pine nuts, parmesan and olive oil and puree them. Make sure it all blended together and add the basil, pureeing once more so you have some radioactive green pesto to go to town with.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, basil, bleeding heart, calivirgin, condom-ment, crisis, culinarylingus, delicious, DIY, easy, empathy, endangered zone, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, homemade pesto recipe, intercourse, kitchen, libido, multiple orgasms, naked, olive oil, parmesan cheese, pine nuts, puree, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, undress yo pesto recipe, world wildlife federation, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 13, 2009
The big fig gets the smokiest meat
For the record, I am totally gay for figs. They are one of history’s oldest fruits. Ever hear of the hanging gardens of Babylon? Figs hung proudly there and flavored many ancient meals. No doubt these edible APHRODISIACS were all over the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve just had to sample the far blander apple and ruin everything. Not that there’s anything wrong with apples, knowledge or original sin. Figs are just tastier, sexier and more likely to get you laid. Sexy time is nearly certain once you wrap the figs up with Italian prosciutto and throw in some creamy Brie cheese. Run, don’t walk to your nearest quality grocer and slice off a piece of the Garden of Eden.
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red Wine or a SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Brie cheese
2. 4 fresh FIGS
3. 4 prosciutto slices
Step 1
Quarter the figs and add small slices of Brie to each section. Pull off long strips of proscuitto and wrap each fig/brie unit. Serve up on a plate or laid across your naked body.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES | Tagged: adam & eve, aphrodisiac, Babylon, bang, banging, brie cheese, cocktail food, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, fig, finger food, food, foreplay, game changer, garden of Eden, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hanging gardens, homemade, intercourse, italian, Italy, kitchen, knowledge, libido, meat, Mediterranean, naked, original sin, prosciutto fig brie appetizers, prosciutto wrapped figs recipe, proscuitto, protein, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, starters, tapas, tasty, wrap, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 11, 2009
“It takes 2 to make a thing go right. It takes 2 to make it out of sight.” – Rob Base
You gotta love appetizer and wine dates. Combine these perfect companions and the two of you will be combined soon enough. If one of you brings the wine and the other the appetizer, you’ll need to figure out who’s bringing the condoms. These miniature caprese salads on a stick are easy to make, easy to take on the go, plus you can hand feed each other. It doesn’t get more sensual and primitive than that. Who loves you?
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Italian red wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 16 toothpicks
2. 2 dashes of salt
3. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 2 handfuls cherry tomatoes
5. 8 mini buffalo mozzarella balls
6. 1 handful small basil leaves
Step 1
Slice the mozzarella balls in half and set the flat sides down. Drive each toothpicks through a basil leaf, cherry tomato and mozzarella slice. Sprinkle some salt and drizzle with olive oil. Serve up these classy hor d’oeuvres, you classy bastards!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, summer, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, bang, banging, basil, buffalo mozzarella, caprese salad recipe, cherry tomatoes, condoms, delicious, DIY, easy, finger food, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hand feed, homemade, hor d’oeuvres, intercourse, it takes two, kitchen, libido, mini-capreses, naked, olive oil, primitive, recipe, rob base, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sensual, sex, starter, tasty, toothpicks, undress me, vegetarian, wine, wine appetizer date, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 10, 2009
Get ready for some non-spaghetti in beddy!
This one goes out to all the sexy singles marching blindly to Atkins’ carb-free tune. Myself included. All this cooking and banging has put a hold on my underwear-modeling career. But only temporarily! I’m coming back hotter and more in your face awesome than ever. Healthy food is always the sexiest. We’ll skip the carbohydrated pasta in favor of nature’s non-processed solution. Spaghetti squash is an adventure of ingenuity and texture. It takes to a pasta sauce like a hooker to a free bag of crack. This simple sauté recipe should set you right. But pesto would convince just as many of your dates to drop trow. Now get roasting, my health-minded friends. I’m hitting the gym to work on my glutes.
Total time: approximately 55 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: White wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 spaghetti squash
2. 3 dashes salt
3. 2 dashes pepper
4. 3 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
5. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
6. ¼ red cabbage chopped coarsely
7. Parmesan cheese to taste (skip to make vegan)
8. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
9. 1 handful fresh BASIL leaves
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Split the squash in half. Scoop out the seeds and strands from the center and rub 2tbsp olive oil into the inside meat. Sprinkle with salt and pepper, cover in foil, and then roast in the oven (approx 45 min). While it cools, begin Step 2. Scrape the insides with a fork so strands break off like spaghetti.
Step 2
Heat the remaining oil in a deep pan on medium heat. Sauté the garlic, red cabbage, remaining salt and tomatoes (approx 5 min). Mix in the spaghetti squash strands, throw in the basil leaves, and add Parmesan as you wish.
Serve up with some GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD if you’re still craving carbs.
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, fusion, italian, IT’S ON!-TREES, Mediterranean, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, atkins, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, calivirgin, carbohydrates, crack, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hooker, intercourse, kitchen, libido, low-carb, naked, non-processed, olive oil, parmesan cheese, recipe, red cabbage, roast, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spaghetti squash, tasty, tomato, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 8, 2009
This fish dish offers thrills, grills, and hopefully no spills.
Some naysayers will claim that salmon is a boring fish to eat. So predictable, so typical, so uninspired. You have my permission to give them an atomic wedgie for believing they think outside of the box. These people haven’t left the box since slap bracelets were in. Salmon is only as boring as the chef cooking with it. Think of it salmon as a blank canvas for a painter or a mold of clay for a sculptor. You could just paint a still life or sculpt a symmetrical vase. But you could also create something groundbreaking that will shake the art world to its self-righteous core. Now translate that “fuck the norm” attitude to your culinary creations. Throw some flare into that fish and your night’s post-curricular activities will be rated for Mature audiences only due to nudity, sexual content and adult language. Violence will be notably absent.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $14
Drinking Buddy: White wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tsp of sea salt
2. 8-ounces of dry penne pasta
3. 3 tbsp of olive oil
4. 1 lb SALMON filet
5. 1 handful of sliced mushrooms
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful of fresh ROSEMARY
8. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
9. 1 lemon halved
Step 1
If you are grilling with charcoal, get the coals going. Marinate the salmon in 2 tbsp of olive oil, pluck the rosemary from the sprig and squeeze ½ the lemon over it.
Step 2
Boil the penne al dente, seasoning the water with olive oil and sea salt (approx 10 min). While you wait for the pasta to boil, move onto Step 3. When the pasta is ready, drain and mix it in with sautéed veggies in Step 3.
Step 3
Sauté the garlic and onion with the remaining olive oil on medium heat. Mix in the mushrooms and sauté it all with sea salt ½ tsp of salt until they are soft (approx 6 min).
Step 4
When the charcoal or gas grill is ready, throw the marinated fish on. Pour the excess marinade over the fish and put on the lid. Grill until the outside of the fish whitens and the inside is a pinkish white (approx 5 min). 
Serve pieces of salmon over plates of pasta and squeeze the remaining lemon.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: Alaskan salmon, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, bbq, citrus, delicious, DIY, easy, fish, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, grilled, grilled salmon over pasta recipe, grilled salmon recipe, guarantee, healthy, herb, homemade, intercourse, italian, kitchen, lemon, libido, line caught, marinate, mushrooms, naked, ocean, olive oil, onion, pasta, penne, recipe, rosemary, rosemary salmon, salmon, sauté, sea, sea salt, seafood, seduce, sex, simple pasta, summer, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
