March 4, 2011
This recipe will self-destruct in 10 seconds...after you bang like a champ!
These potatoes are not unlike Inspector Gadget’s self-destructing mission assignments. But instead of them blowing up and you get saliva across your face instead of soot. These bad boys pack a walloping 1-2-3 punch of tasty, decadent flavor. They are not for the pantywaists concerned about too much flavor overwhelming the subtlety of the evening. Not on my watch! Like Inspector Gadget, and really his dog Brain who did everything, I am working with a shadowy government organization seeking to rid the world of flavor. That is where these potatoes come in. It’s our secret weapon against those who would remove any remnants of toe-curling pleasure you could eke out of dining. If we let them win now, who’s to say what they could next. Soon enough they’ll be taking away our love of banging! Glenn Beck should be all up in their tits. Who’s the real American hero now, crybaby? Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | 
carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, irish, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, bang, banging, black pepper, Brain, butter, cheese, crybaby, dairy, delicious, DIY, dr. claw, easy, explosion, flavor, food, fox news, game changer, garlic, get laid, glenn beck, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, Inspector Gadget, intercourse, kaboom, kitchen, libido, milk, mini potatoes, mission, naked, oral, oral tater-splosions, parmesan, pleasure, real American hero, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, self-destruct, sex, shadowy government organization, soot, tasty, toe-curling, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
December 8, 2010
On the ninth day of Hanukkah, give your date your body as the final gift.
Happy Hanukkah! I have banged enough ladies of the Jewish faith to make me an honorary Jew. So I understand the importance of latkes or potato pancakes to the uninitiated. They are ridiculously simple to make, delicious beyond compare, and give a sense of comfort. Those qualities are important when it comes to seducing the Chosen People. You need to put your best foot forward to impress this lot with discerning tastes and banging booties. Getting lucky requires a certain amount of gumption taking destiny in your own hands. Making perfect potato pancakes will position you nicely. Spin the dreidel like you spun the bottle pre-Bar Mitzvah. That’s two minutes in the closet, right after you finish your latkes! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, holidays, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple sauce, bake, baked latke recipe, bang, banging, banging booties, black pepper, calivirgin, chosen people, delicious, DIY, dreidel, easy, egg, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, hanukkah, homemade, intercourse, jalapeño, jew, jewish, kitchen, latke recipe, libido, lime, mazel tov, naked, olive oil, paprika, potatoes, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sour cream, spicy latke recipe, spin the bottle, tasty, two minutes in the closet, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 8, 2010
Yakety Yakisoba, you sleep over, now bend over!
This sleepover is going to be so much fun! Pillow fights, girl talk, pranks calls. Wait! You mean YAKISOBA SLEEPOVER is just a sexy name for a noodle dish? Boy am I embarrassed. But I’m not too embarrassed to tell you about my take on this classic Japanese street food. Yakisoba is found all over Japan served at festivals and consumed en masse by the military. The ramen us poor folk know and love originated from this classic. Now is your chance to bring the gourmet back into this metropolitan street food. This dish is fast, easy and cheap. No wonder it’s served on noodle carts outside of subways. But your date doesn’t need to know that. Be sure to make a grand deal out of this classy culinary creation as if you learned the recipe from a monk on top of mount Fuji. Perhaps the knowledge on how to conjure up this ethereal edible rests only with you. You are the chosen one and your date will no doubt recognize this when they take their first bite. Sounds like the sleepover is back on thanks to the flavor explosion and ginger aphrodisiac. Domo arrigato! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, RECIPES | Tagged: asian, bang, cabbage, chicken, cilantro, classy, delicious, easy, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, hearty, intercourse, Japanese, kinky, kitchen, mushrooms, naked, noodles, onion, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinful, soba, soy, stir fry, street food, Yakisoba | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 29, 2010
Try this stuff and then you can't get enough truff!
People say scuffle like it’s a bad thing. Disorder and confusion in tight quarters is usually how banging is initiated. It goes back to the days of playing 30 seconds in the closet. Those first experiences that created your perfectly pervy personality are examples of the good kind of scuffle. No doubt, most of you have ended up with your tongue in someone’s mouth as a result of tight quarters like the doorway at some crowded party or the backseat of your friends Volkswagen. Random? Yes. Unexpected? Definitely. Awesome? You betcha! So bring on the scuffles with truffles. Truffle oil is like a love potion crafted by the love gods, yet available for a price at yuppie food banks such as Whole Foods. Worth every goddamn penny. The bottle shall create many future scuffles, that lead to shuffles into the nearest tight quarters.
Total time: 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5 (excluding truffle oil)
Drinking buddy:
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1-2 cups vegetable or canola oil
2. 2 drizzles white truffle oil
3. 2 dashes sea salt
4. 2 Russet potatoes
5. 1 handful Parmesan cheese
Step 1
Peel the potatoes, cut fries via thin slicing crosshatch fashion, and then rinse out starch until draining water is clear.
Step 2
Heat up the oil in a small pot to 325°F/165°C. Throw in the potatoes and fry until the start to harden (approx 2 min). Remove from oil and lay out on something they can drain on (I used an oven rack set over a baking pan). Let them cool down (approx 2 min).
Step 3
To attain this level of awesome, Belgium-style double-fry for that extra crispy taste. Throw the fries back in and cook until they turn golden brown (approx 2 min). Allow the fries to cool and drain once more (approx 2 min).
Step 4
Things are about to get interesting. Dump your crispy fries into a bowl, drizzle the truffle oil, add salt and scatter the Parmesan. Toss the fries in the bowl of totally adulterated flavor and serve immediately.
These fries hold up even without CONDOM-MENTS, but if you must, don’t overwhelm the truffle parmesan goodness. Rock simplicity a la DON’T BREAK UP, KETCHUP!
1 Comment | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, french, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: 30 seconds in the closet, bang, banging, bedroom scuffle truffle fries, Belgium, Belgium style fries, carbs, confusion, deep-fried, delicious, disorder, DIY, easy, euro, food, French fries, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, love gods, naked, parmesan, pervy, potatoes, recipe, russet potatoes, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, tight quarters, truffle parmesan French fries recipe, vegetable oil, vegetarians, Volkswagen, white truffle oil, you betcha, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 9, 2010
Tequila = boozy floozies in a jacuzzis
Ever just start speaking in rhymes?
Happens at the most inconvenient times?
Dr. Seuss crawled down your throat?
Like someone’s always getting your goat?
Bust out some tangy lime and tequila
Your date is sure to touch and feel ya.
So rather than whine, bitch, and groan
Make pasta so good they will moan
I shall refrain from babbling all night
This rhyming even gives me a fright
Guys, don’t just play with your wang
Good forth, my friends, Cook To Bang!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Sauvignon Blanc or BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 8 OZ spaghetti
2. 3 dashes salt
3. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 2 shots tequila
5. 1/2 can coconut milk
6. 1 lime
7. 1/2 onion diced finely
8. 1 red bell pepper diced finely
9. 1/2 lb chicken cut in bite-sized pieces
Step 1
Boil pasta in salted water (follow package), moving on to the other steps while it becomes al dente, and eventually drain and mix in with the goods.
Step 2
Marinate the chicken with 1/2 a lime, 1 shot of tequila, and a dash of salt. Brown the chicken and set aside with the juice.
Step 3
In the same pan, sauté the onions and red bell pepper in olive oil (approx 3 min). Squeeze in the rest of the lime and tequila and stew (approx 2 min). Add the coconut milk, salt and browned chicken and heat through before mixing in the pasta (approx 3 min).
1 Comment | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, italian, Mediterranean, mexican, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: al dente, babbling, bang, banging, boil, boozy, calivirgin, chicken, coconut milk, delicious, DIY, dr Seuss, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, groan, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, moan, naked, olive oil, onion, recipe, red bell pepper, rhymes, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shots, sonnet, spaghetti, tangy, tasty, tequila, tequila lime pasta recipe, tequila lime rhyme time pasta, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 26, 2010
Soba So Lucky So Good
There are bad carbs and good carbs. Some good carbs can be great carbs with the right amount of sex appeal. We’re about to take what is already damn good for you and make it damn good for your culinary seduction game. Leave it to the Japanese to make noodles this banging on the healthy scale. They already brought us ninjas, sumo wrestling, and anime porn. No one should be surprised that their culinary innovations are as versatile as a geisha who goes from flower dancing to lap dancing. The addition of winter veggies creates an extra bonus like banging a hottie who can actually carry on a conversation other than shopping or sports. I think I’m in love, or just very hungry and horny. Either way, munch freely!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Hot Sake
Ingredients (Serves 4):
1. 1 tbsp soy sauce
2. 1 tbsp fish sauce (skip to make vegan)
3. 1 tbsp rice vinegar
4. 1 tsp sesame oil
5. 1 dash lemongrass sauce or tsp dried lemongrass
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 1 bunch rainbow chard
8. 1 white radish
9. 1 package soba noodles
10. 1 handful chopped cilantro
11. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
12. 1/2 lime
Step 1
Combine the rice vinegar, fish sauce, lemongrass, soy sauce, and cilantro into a sauce to dream about.
Step 2
Thoroughly wash the radish, peel the outside, chop off the stem, chop it coarsely, and then slice the radish into thin rounds. Then thoroughly wash the rainbow chard and chop down every 2 inches.
Step 3
SautÈ the garlic in the sesame oil on medium heat (approx 30 sec). Throw in the sliced radishes and cook until they soften, flipping once (approx 3 min). Next cook in the cilantro, chopped radish stems, and rainbow chard (approx 2 min). Pour in the sauce and cook in the flavor (approx 2 min).
Step 4
While sauteing, bring a large pot of water to a boil and cook the soba noodles al dente (approx 5 min). Drain the noodles and stir them into the veggies. Heat them through, mixing thoroughly (approx 2 min). Squeeze lime over before serving.
This killer CARBOLUSCIOUS dish can rule the day solo, or complete any Japanese ENTRÉE.
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, healthy, Japanese, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: anime, asian, bang, banging, carbs, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, garlic, geisha, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthy, homemade, horny, hottie, hungry, I think I’m in love, intercourse, japan, Japanese, kitchen, lemongrass, libido, light, lime, naked, ninja, porn, rainbow chard, recipe, rice vinegar, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame oil, sex, so banging soba noodles, soba noodle recipe, soba noodles, soy sauce, sumo wrestling, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, versatile, white radish, winter vegetable soba noodles, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 7, 2010
Cook To Fingerbang!
Using your fingers is often the only way to go. No time for squeamishness when it comes to cooking to bang. Just spread them fingers wide and dive right in. Remember that your date will thank you after for your keen attention to details. Their oral pleasure zone isn’t going to satisfy itself. Fingerling potatoes are coming back in a big way. Some famous chef somewhere some how said something like, “Fingerling potatoes are now and very much it.” Just think how cool you will appear serving up a sensational side with the hottest carb in town. The fact that they resemble human fingers that you will be using to entice and engorge later is the popped cherry on top. So fingerbang away!
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Depends on entrée, but red wine should do you both nicely
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash sea salt
2. 1 dash black pepper
3. 2 tbsp balsamic vinegar
4. 2 tbsp olive oil
5. 1 dash thyme
6. 1/2 lemon
7. 1 sprig ROSEMARY
8. 3 garlic cloves chopped finely
9. 1 lb fingerling potatoes
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/232°C. Wash the taters thoroughly and then split them. Toss them with the garlic, olive oil, lemon juice, salt, pepper, thyme, and rosemary.
Step 2
Spread the marinated fingerlings on a small baking pan, laying the flat ends down. Bake the potatoes until they brown and can be forked easily with a fork (approx 25min), flipping halfway through cooking. Toss the roasted potatoes in the balsamic vinegar and serve.
Serve these fine carbs up with any number of meaty ENTRÉES.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, irish, RECIPES, vegan | Tagged: aphrodisiac, balsamic vinegar, bang, banging, black pepper, carbohydrates, carbs, delicious, DIY, easy, engorge, famous chef, fingerbang, fingerbanging fingerling potatoes, fingering, fingerling potatoes, flavorful, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hearty, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, olive oil, oral pleasure, recipe, rosemary, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, squeamishness, tasty, thyme, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 7, 2009
It's important to catch up with old friends with benefits.
It’s always a trip banging someone you haven’t seen in a long while. The experience seems so foreign, yet so familiar. You remember their curves, their scent, and that thing they do with their tongue. There was definitely a reason that you once engaged in erotic research together. A three-course meal that will require half the day to prepare isn’t in the cards with that much catching up to do. In order to relive those misty watercolor memories of carnal connections, you should make something slamming that can be whipped up in a hurry. This is the concoction I threw together when such an occasion occurred. A long forgotten ex in town for business for a night was the lucky recipient of this accidental bang-de-force. I sent home-girl to her sales meeting with a bounce in her step from a pleasant evening catching up with ketchup.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Red vino always
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes salt
2. 1 dash BASIL flakes
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 3 tbsp ketchup
5. 2 handfuls kale
6. 8-OZ spaghetti
7. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
8. 1 handful goat cheese
9. 1 small eggplant chopped coarsely
10. ½ apple sliced thinly
Step 1
Create the sauce by sautéing the garlic with olive oil. Add the eggplant and a shot glass of water and cook until the water is absorbed (approx 3 min). Throw in the apples, smother them in olive oil, then toss in the kale, spice with salt and basil and cook down the ingredients (approx 4 min). Squeeze in the ketchup, mix around and slow simmer while you move onto Step 2.
Step 2
Salt the boiling water and cook the pasta al dente. Drain the pasta and add it to the pasta sauce and toss thoroughly. Plate up the pasta and crumble goat cheese over.
Serve this up quick and get back to the thick.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, italian, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple, bail, bang, bang-de-force, banging, calivirgin, carbohydrates, carboluscious, carbs, catch up sex, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, erotic research, ex, fast, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, goat cheese, gourmet, gourmet ketchup spaghetti recipe, guarantee, hearty, homemade, intercourse, italian, kale, ketchup, ketchup sex pasta, kitchen, libido, misty watercolor memories, naked, noodles, olive oil, pasta, recipe, salt, sauce, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spaghetti, tasty, vegetarian, veggies, white trash, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 3, 2009
Each noodle is a thread of attraction sliding down their throat into their hearts.
Pasta was my love long before I appreciated the finer foods. From the get-go, I slarped down cans of Chef Boyardee pasta letters, crazy for carbs. You can imagine my frustration over the Atkins zombies ruining food for the rest of us. They don’t understand the rudimentary equation for health: balance of diet and exercise. Therefore their unhealthy dismissal of carbohydrates, the item most essential to early civilization development, makes the pasta pimp in me prep my hand for a bitch-slap. Pasta gets me off. It’s that simple. I need hearty fuel to keep me charging ahead when it’s cold and miserable outside. How else am I going to keep myself charging through the day and make it through to another exhausting evening of cooking to bang? There are too many hearts to break to get weak and mopey due to lack of premium gas pasta power. Your date will be equally stoked for the hearty comfort…unless they are an Atkins freak. Those folks are more likely to smothers their bun-free burger in cow’s blood and howl at the full moon. FYI- Werewolves are hot in the sack, but my doctor says the claw marks dug into my back will probably scar. Let this be a warning to Cook To Bang’s Team Jacob readers.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, sucka! Lots of it.
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 28-OZ can of crushed tomatoes
3. 1 kale bunch
4. 1 radish bunch with stalks/leaves
5. 1 tsp parsley flakes
6. 2 dashes salt
7. 2 sausages chopped into bite-sized pieces
8. Parmesan to taste
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
10. ½ lb whole wheat spaghetti
Step 1
While the spaghetti boils, complete steps 2 & 3. Once al dente, drain and mix in the complete sauce and crown with Parmesan, as you like.
Step 2
Wash the radishes, chopping the stocks and leaves into smaller pieces. Cut off the ends of the radish and slice into bite-sized rounds. Wash the kale too and cut into smaller pieces.
Step 3
Sauté the garlic and radishes in a stockpot until they soften (approx 5 min). Add the radish leaves and kale and cook until they wilt like spinach (approx 3 min). Push the sautéed veggies to one side and sauté the sausages until they brown (approx 3 min). Pour in the tomato can, using a blunt object to pulverize them even further. Spice the sauce with salt and parsley flakes, slow simmer until the pasta is ready, and then go back to Step 1.
This heartiest of hearty pastas goes great with GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD. More carbs, yay!
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES | Tagged: al dente, atkins, balance, bang, banging, bitch-slap, break your hearty pasta, calivirgin, carbohydrates, carbs, chef Boyardee, claw marks, crushed tomatoes, delicious, diet, DIY, early civilization, easy, exercise, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hearty, hearty pasta recipe, homemade, intercourse, italian, kale, kitchen, libido, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, parmesan, parsley, pasta pimp, premium gas, radishes, recipe, salt, sausage, sauté, scar, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, team Edward, team Jacob, twilight, werewolves, whole wheat spaghetti, yummy, zombies | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 6, 2009
Yes, mistress. Please, mistress. Thank you, mistress.
Kinky is my middle name. Actually it’s Patrick, but I’m considering changing it. I wouldn’t call myself an S&M guy, but I do enjoy pushing the envelope behind closed doors with consenting adults. What’s the point of boring sex? Why half-ass your goal after you put all this effort into convincing someone to get naked? I don’t personally own handcuffs, but I’ve been cuffed to a bed with leopard print bonds. My mistress/lover for the night was rough at times, and then sweet, then rough and so on. It was pretty hot. Melting candle wax on my nipples was just painful, but it was still an experience I remember fondly. The best part is after we were done, we had takeout Pad Thai that she fed me since my hands were still attached to her headboard. That was one of my favorite Thai food memories, which I have since relived in subtle, less painful ways. So here’s my own take on this classic recipe with a little extra sexy thrown into the mix. Just be sure to have a safety word when engaging in Thai-style COOK TO BANG.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Thai iced tea or beer
Ingredients (serves 2, with post-coital leftovers):
1. 2 tbsp vegetable oil
2. 1-package rice noodles
3. 1 tbsp fish sauce
4. 1 tbsp soy sauce
5. 2 OZ Pad Thai sauce
6. Limejuice to taste
7. 2 eggs
8. 6 green onions chopped coarsely
9. FRIED TOFU
10. 1 red CHILI chopped finely
11. 2 handful chopped peanuts
12. ½ lb SHRIMP
13. ½ lb chicken cut in bite-sized pieces
Step 1
Marinate the raw chicken with the soy sauce, fish sauce and limejuice (approx 15 min). Cook the chicken in a pan until they brown (approx 3 min). Add the shrimp and cook it all together (approx 2).
Step 2
Bring a pot of water to a boil, turn the heat low and cook the rice noodles al dente (approx 4 min) and drain. Heat up the oil in deep pan or wok. Add the noodles and mix in the pad Thai sauce thoroughly. Cook in the chicken, shrimp, fried tofu and green onions.
Step 3
Beat the two eggs and cook flat in a pan like a pancake. Jimmy the eggs off the pan an crown the noodles with it. When serving, throw a handful of peanuts and squeeze some lime over it.
These kinky noodles go great with a BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, poultry, RECIPES, seafood, spicy, thai | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, candle wax, carbohydrates, carbs, chicken, chili, delicious, DIY, dominatrix, easy, eggs, fish sauce, food, fried tofu, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, libido, limejuice, mistress, naked, nipples, noodles, pad thai me up recipe, pad thai recipe, pad thai sauce, peanuts, recipe, rice noodes, s&m, sado-masochism, safety word, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, soy sauce, takeout, tasty, thai, Thailand, tie me up, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
