BLACKENED HEART CATFISH

May 25, 2012
Blackened Catfish, blacker heart

Blackened Catfish, blacker heart

I like my catfish to match the color of my heart: black.  At least that’s what every girl I just banged has said.  Apparently sleeping with someone with no emotion beyond “boy that was fun, but the fact she hasn’t left yet is starting to annoy me” is not nice guy behavior.  Who knew?  I try to make up for my morally bankrupt existence through my culinary endeavors.  Who’s to say that cooking a meal worthy of Jesus, Moses, Mohammed or Yoda can’t redeem oneself?  This blackened catfish should at least temporarily make up for my blackened heart.

blackened catfish prepTotal time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: LICK YOUR LIPS MINT JULEP

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash garlic salt
2. 1 dash CAYENNE PEPPER
3. 1 dash paprika
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash salt
6. 1 tbsp red wine vinegar
7. 2 CATFISH filets
8. 1 tbsp of butter
9. ½ lemon

Step 1
Mix together the garlic salt, cayenne pepper, paprika, black pepper, salt, ¼ of lemon and red wine vinegar.

blackened catfish seasoning

Step 2
Melt the butter and then brush it over the catfish filets.  Soak the filets in the spicy blackened marinade (approx 10 min). Grill or pan fry them in oil until the tops “blacken” (approx 3 min per side).

blackened catfish brush marinate grill

Squeeze the remaining lemon over the fish and serve over RICE or your favorite SALAD.blackened catfish served 2

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O-FACED OATMEAL

May 18, 2012

When your date says “Oh!” you say “Yeah!”

Oh boy! Oh man! Oh god! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh (to NKTOB groove)! These are just some of the many reactions I have heard to making oatmeal CTB style. We’ve all eaten instant oatmeal, mostly during childhood, although some of us (my friends know who I speak of) still gobble that shit up. But what about the rest of whose taste buds haven’t matured beyond a 6-year-old, their fingers stained with Kool-Aid? Oatmeal can be something other than a bland exercise in self-restraint. But why not have the best of both worlds? Nutrition and flavor can still give each other lap dances with the right amount of TLC. And that’s what this recipe is all about. Here’s to the one sleeping in your bed who’s waking up to a big surprise. Expect them to be smiling like a donut. Read the rest of this entry »


PLANTAIN CHIP PARTY TRAIN

May 7, 2012

The plantain train is leaving the station with or without you!

The plantain train is leaving the station with or without you!

All aboard!  This party train is headed for your Caribbean culinary connection.  Expect steel drums, tropical breezes and dreadlocks.  When you aren’t shaking your booty to some live reggae, you can stuff your face with this CARBOLUSCIOUS treats.  The banana’s larger, oven-friendly cousin will capture the island spirit.  Baking it makes it a guilt-free snack or compliment to your ENTRÉE.  Plantains are inexpensive, robust and totally awesome.  Your date won’t expect such a delicious twist.  Now do as Bob Marley commands and get with the kinky reggae now! Read the rest of this entry »


GRAB ASS GRAPEFRUIT SALAD

May 2, 2012
Grab ass graciously.

Grab ass graciously.

How about a little game of grab ass?  With an ass that fine I imagine you’ll be doing a shit ton of grabbing.  But how do you grab a handful of cheek without coming off like a perv?  First off, you shouldn’t care if they assume you’re perv.  The Cook To Bang readership is all pervs and I love you all for your debauchery.  But in the effort to maintain a non-creepy mystique, here’s my suggestion: serve this salad.  Then blame the grapefruit.  All that vitamin C is going straight to your head and making you perform irrationally. Taking a firm hold of their bum is the only natural reaction one could expect with all those healthy ingredients.  Chances are that your date will be just as randy since they too indulged.  So go with it and grab ass! Read the rest of this entry »


ROAST THE CHOKE, BLOKES!

April 24, 2012

 

The roastest with the mostest!

The roastest with the mostest!

It’s a damn shame how many people fear the artichoke. On the surface, it’s an intimidating vegetable. The spiky leaves that could kill a man certainly don’t help. Neither does the complicated center that is pretty, but inedible. But alas, once you get past all that superfluous nonsense, you got yourself an aphrodisiac that tastes like you broke off an angel’s wing and dipped it in wasabi. The texture alone should sell you on this magnificent gift from the food gods. Plus we’re talking finger food here. That means you can hand feed your date, fostering an intimacy you can later exploit. While you wait for the artichoke to roast, you can whip something equally awesome up or just waltz your date around the kitchen like a ballerina. Now be brave, be bold and buy yourself some artichokes! Read the rest of this entry »


TRUFFLE SHUFFLE GRILLED CHEESE

April 18, 2012

Avoid getting into scuffles when you truffle shuffe.

While CTB has already done the GRATUITOUS GRILLED CHEESE SINWICH to great fanfare, one gourmet grilled cheese sandwich just isn’t enough. Anyone whose been to a grilled cheese contest can tell you there’ more than one way to melt congealed milk. At the GRILLED CHEESE INVITATIONAL, I learned that there are as many variations on the grilled cheese as positions in the Kama Sutra. Since CTB is not about to make grilled cheese the exclusive format, allow me to present this grilled piece of awesome for your dining pleasure. In the interest of full disclosure, I just got truffle oil and am totally and positively gay for it. A little dab works like a super lube, revving up the sexy time explosions in your mouth. Alas, I applied the glorious oil to a grilled cheese lunch. I took my first bite while standing and nearly lost my footing. Luckily the girl I was cooking for was able to break my fall or I would have knocked over the precious truffle elixir and likely licked it straight off the floor. By the time we gobbled down our sinwiches, we danced a shuffle from the kitchen into the bedroom without bothering to wash our hands first. Read the rest of this entry »


SEXUAL PRACTICE CACTUS SALSA

April 16, 2012

Dont be a prick-ly pear.

All earthly creatures do it in their own way. Giraffes do it standing up, their long necks intertwined. Male spider monkeys will grab their female partner mid-air, hump them, and release before they even hit the ground. Humans have all kinds of mating rituals from courting over food, to bringing in toys to “bring the spark back”, to discussing the relationship ad nausea post-coital. And within the human genus, we have countless subsets of this behavior. We are an odd species to be sure. Aliens who enslave us two decades from now will be hard-pressed to figure out how to get us to toil away on the Vectarion reactors. I’ll make it simple for them: give us food and let us bang. We’ll take it from there, Remulox. Read the rest of this entry »


KINKY PINKY LADY

April 10, 2012

Ain't nothin' wrong with a stinky pinky, y'all!

Riding dirty is the Southern way.  At least that is what I learned on my most recent visit to New Orleans.  I befriended a Southern belle boozing it up with absinthe at a vampire bar down a dark alley.  She did not believe that I was a master of disaster in the kitchen. So I took her challenge on the spot to go back to her place and fix up a meal with only what I found in their kitchen.  This cutie with an even cuter accent was unprepared for the awesome assault I unleashed in her mouths and loins.  I managed to make NEVER FLAKES CRAB CAKES (minus the mango), a simple salad and a SLOB ON MY KNOBBLER COBBLER with pears.  My payment for all my efforts was a cocktail that I present to you. She called it a Pink Lady since she is after all genteel and demure.  But the demure soon fizzled away by our fourth round. That’s when she showed me true hospitality in her boudoir.  It was only after, while I sipped a lukewarm pink lady as she slumbered next to me that I understood the saying: “Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez.” Read the rest of this entry »


EGG MCHIPPIE

April 5, 2012
This breakfast is like so spiritual and full of heady karma, man.

This breakfast is like so spiritual and full of heady karma, man.

The dirty longhairs have taken over breakfast! At least one that I picked up at a summer concert did.  Mind you, she was a hot young not-yet-jaded hippie, but a hippie all the same.  The previous night she proved herself to be a carnivore repeatedly stuffing a certain meat into her mouth.  But come morning when the alcohol and whatever mind-alerting bohemian substance she may have been on wore off, the self-righteous hippie returned.  There I was casually frying up bacon when she started lecturing me all about how the poor little piggies suffered.  But this hippie-crite hottie was more than happy to eat eggs, neglecting to bemoan the miserable conditions of egg-laying hens.  So I assembled the veggies in my fridge and did my best to improvise.  This aphrodisiac triple-threat turned out pretty damn good for a meal on the fly.  Good enough for me to bang her again before I inadvertently pissed her off when she saw the sign in my bathroom that reads: HIPPIES USE SIDE DOOR (no exceptions!).  That saved me the trouble of announcing I was going seal clubbing that afternoon so she would leave. Read the rest of this entry »


FIGGY PIGGY PIZZA

April 3, 2012
A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.

A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.

I ain’t too proud to admit I’ve porked some sows in my day.  Who of you can claim you never once compromising your standards in the pursuit of ass?  That lone ranger stoically standing all alone on the hill can pat his/herself on the back.  The rest of you know what I’m talking about.  Like I said, these are not my proudest moments.  But I believe in living life free of regret. So what if my friends taunted me mercilessly? There are photos floating somewhere out there of me in college dressed like Hugh Hefner sucking face with what was described to me as “an oompa loompa in a cheerleader costume”.  It was Halloween, damnit!  Jack Daniels was the bastard responsible.  Thank goodness there are compromises like this pizza.  It packs a wallop of flavor from the prosciutto and figs, but minimal carbs.  Now you can have your pig, eat it too, and not be embarrassed to admit it your friends. Read the rest of this entry »


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