November 16, 2008
Kahlua brownie will make 'em go downie on you
If you are sweet on your sweetheart, use chocolate to seal the deal. Chocolate is an amazingly effective aphrodisiac that gets the heart rate up, increases blood flow and creates a natural feeling of well being, euphoria, and with any luck, wanton lust. Ancient Aztec’s thought it invigorated men and made women less inhibited and they consumed it before battle or intense rounds of sexual activity. Have we learned nothing from history? Do as the Aztec do and do it all night with some natural aphrodisiacs. The fact that it tastes like food reserved for the Gods is beside the point. Take it a step further with Kahlua. The Mexican liqueur makes bad coffee tastes superb, a white Russian worthwhile and stands alone like champ just on ice. Combine chocolate and Kahlua into homemade brownies and you are well on your way to a tasty, triumphant evening. If the magnificent meal you made can’t seal the deal, go for the knockout punch. Hand feed your date a Kahlua Brownie and follow it up with a chocolate flavored kiss. Mmm…
Ingredients (for 2):
1. ½ stick of butter
2. 4 ounces of unsweetened baking chocolate
3. 2 cups of sugar
4. 3 eggs
5. 1 teaspoon of baking powder
6. 1½ cups of flour
7. 1 teaspoon of salt
8. 2 cups of Kahlua
9. ½ cup of shredded coconut
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. In one mixing bowl combine the flour, salt and baking powder and mix together thoroughly. In a second bowl, mix the eggs and sugar together so they are united, like the 13 original US colonies.
Step 2
Use a saucepan to heat the butter and melt down the chocolate. Add 1½ cups of the Kahlua (saving the other ½ cup) and mix until it is one chocolate river of goodness.
Step 3
Bring together the flour/salt/baking power with the egg/sugar and melted chocolate/Kahlua into one big party. Blend it all into a batter and make it all better by adding the shredded coconut. Pour the better batter into a greased baking pan and spread it out evenly.
Step 4
Throw the baking pan in the oven and bake for 35-40 minutes. If you are unsure if it is ready, dip a toothpick into the brownie: if it comes out clean you have yourself bake brownies. Finally, use a brush or flat spoon to spread out the remaining ½ cup of Kahlua and let it settle for 5 minutes into a glaze. Cut the brownies up and serve with milk, ice cream or use them to bribe a cop out of a speeding ticket.
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: aphrodisiac, baked, chocolate, coconut, delicious, dessert, eggs, flour, food, homemade, hot, Kahlua, Kahlua brownie, love, lust, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, sexy, simple, sugar, sweet | 
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Posted by cooktobang
November 12, 2008
Melts in your mouth, not in your pants
“Thar she blows!” the pirate screamed out the window of the brothel. The wharf town residents were unaware the mangy marauder was not talking about impregnating a strumpet’s mouth. Rather he was commenting on the fine tuna melt the brothel’s madam prepared from him from the tuna he caught off the bow of his dingy. A fresh tuna melt can indeed take the ordinary sandwich and make it something worthy of jumping ship. This recipe is quick, delicious, but far from fat free. It is comfort food on a higher level and she should be treated accordingly. A gourmet tuna melt works great when you want your game to seem like a coincidence. The appropriate attitude is, “Hey, I throw masterpieces like this together with my eyes closed. It wouldn’t be fair if I actually tried to impress you. Then you’d never leave!” Should this recipe not cause your date melt into the sheets, COOK TO BANG will refund your money back. Oh wait, this site is free. Nevermind. Do you take Monopoly money?
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 2 albacore tuna steaks
2. ½ a lemon
3. 2 tablespoons of mayonnaise
4. 2 slices of bread
5. 4-10 slices of tomatoes
6. 2 slices of cheddar cheese
7. ½ a sliced avocado
Step 1
Sear the tuna steaks and squeeze the lemon over them. Add pepper for extra flavor. Depending on fresh quality of tuna, you can sear it rare or pink. On a bare bones budget you can substitute a can of tuna, which won’t be half as good or impressive.
Step 2
Coarsely chop the seared tuna steaks and throw into a bowl. Add the mayonnaise and mix together thoroughly. For an additional kick, throw in some fresh dill or tarragon.
Step 3
Spread the tuna mixture evenly over the bread. Place the tomatoes evenly out and crown it with slices of cheddar cheese.
Step 4
Broil the open-faced sandwiches until the cheddar cheese is good and melty. Add slices of avocado over the melted cheese and cut each sandwich in half. Serve on a plate with a salad, French fries or a condom.
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: avocado, bang, bread, broil, cheddar cheese, delicious, easy, gourmet, kitchen, mayonnaise, naked, romance, sandwich, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinwich, tomato, tuna, tuna melt | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 11, 2008
Not so teeny weeny clam linguini
Pasta schmasta. The Italians were on to something akin to the inventing the wheel when they gave the world pasta. Pasta dishes can walk a fine line between outstanding and a sorry excuse for food. It all depends on the scope of your filthy imagination. Ask yourself whether closing the deal is worth the extra $3 for better ingredients. Those who answered “no” should take note that it is far cheaper than hiring a hooker, and with less risk of catching herpes or a shiv in the back. So put the Chef Boyardee back on the shelf and cook like an adult; you might enjoy some post-dinner adult activities (like Parcheesi…in the buff). Take this carb cuisine from flab to fab. Canned clams are cheap and readily available, but your date doesn’t need to know that. Just say you went deep sea diving in shark-infested waters to retrieve the evening meal. You could even impress them with your badass shark bite scar, OR better yet, knock their socks (and underwear) off using this deceivingly simple recipe. This recipe debut was interrupted a few times by a dinner date that couldn’t keep her hands to herself. My lust blinded me to the fact I mistakenly poured the Apple Cider Vinegar instead of olive oil. The result was a tangy compliment to the briny brilliance of the sea. This recipe has since earned itself a permanent place in the COOK TO BANG hall of fame. You’re welcome.
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 8 oz. of dried linguini
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 3 cloves of garlic diced
4. 2 shallots diced
5. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
6. ½ a tablespoon of Apple Cider Vinegar
7. 1 can of minced clams with clam juice
Step 1
Fill a pot full of water and boil on high heat. Allow the water to boil and throw in the dried pasta and boil until al dente (follow box/bag instructions). Pour through a colander and set aside.
Step 2
On medium heat, add the olive oil and sauté the garlic and shallots until they soften and brown. Toss in the tomatoes and the Apple Cider Vinegar and cook down.
Step 3
Pour in the entire contents of the canned clams, especially the milky white clam sauce. Cook the sauce down until the concoction turns into a pinkish color.
Step 4
Toss the al dente linguini with the clam sauce until they are well mixed and heated through. Serve onto plates with a crisp chardonnay, beer or sake. Tastes like triumph.
2 Comments | CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, RECIPES | Tagged: apple cider vinegar, carboluscious, clam linguine, clams, delicious, easy, garlic, kitchen, linguine, lust, naked, noodles, pasta, quick, recipe, romance, seafood, SEDUCTION, sex, shallots, simple, tomato | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 10, 2008
Scrumptious spankings because Baby’s Got BAPT!
When I hear the word BLT, I see a greasy diner filled with truckers and vagabonds shoveling down gruel at 4am. But you can’t underestimate the power of bacon to transform something lame into something with game. Bacon’s crispness can resuscitate flavorless iceberg lettuce and beefsteak tomatoes. It comes in so many variations that everyone from anemic vegans to carnivores gnawing on turkey legs can enjoy. So why waste bacon on lame ingredients when you can turn up the bass with something outstanding? This recipe came out of serendipitous dumb luck. I met a girl at a party with a feather boa and convinced her to come back to my place with the promise of a late night snack. But I forgot to mention my fridge was more barren than Jennifer Aniston. There were four near stale slices of bread, turkey bacon (she was one of those “vegetarians” who eats fish and poultry), ½ and avocado that needed to be eaten stat, and a healthy heirloom tomato. But there was no lettuce unless you count the fern in the kitchen. Luckily I had a neglected pear sit all by itself in the fruit bowl just begging to be eaten out. My hot hungry companion went from skeptical to agreeable in the time it took to toast the stale bread. The feather boa remained on the whole night, but her clothes were not so luckily.
Ingredients (per sinwich):
1. 3 crisp bacon strips
2. ¼ avocado sliced in strips
3. 4 thin round slices of tomato
4. 4 thin slices of a pear
5. 2 slices of bread (not pictured)
Step 1
Fry the bacon in a pan until crisp. Pat the grease dry with a paper towel and set aside.
Step 2
Toast the bread of your choice and add favorite condom-ments; CTB recommends sourdough or cracked wheat with wasabi mayonnaise spread on one side and goat cheese on the other.
Step 3
Assemble the sinwich however you like, spreading the ingredient evenly across the bread and close up shop. Cut the sinwich in half (or smaller) before serving because it’s both less messy and classier than San Diego.
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Leave a Comment » | RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: avocado, bacon, blt, bread, pear, sandwich, SINWICHES, tomato | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 7, 2008
Parmigiana wanna banga
Sometimes a remake of an old classic is exactly what a franchise needs. Like Oceans Eleven, the chicken parmesan model is in dire need of a makeover. You don’t want your date passing out head first into tired deep-fried cheesy malaise. It’s time to tell your new squeeze to get ready for the next generation of comfort food. You get all the same flavors, but half the fat and a hundred times the sex appeal. This recipe was born out of a blunder cooking dinner for my new college girlfriend. I overcooked the eggplant wedges and had to scramble to salvage my game. Cooking the burnt eggplant with tomato sauce, broccoli, grilled chicken breasts and cheese turned the night from “Oh shit!” to “Oh my God!” The recipe has since become a permanent fixture in my arsenal and not a single complaint yet.
Ingredients:
1. 2 skinless chicken breasts
2. ½ lb of broccoli chopped into bite-size pieces
3. 1-2 eggs beaten.
4. 1/2 inch thick round slices of eggplant
5. Enough breadcrumbs to coat each side of the eggplant
6. Olive oil
7. 1 cup of vodka or marinara sauce
8. 3 handful of mozzarella
Step 1
Crack and beat the eggs in a bowl wide and deep enough to dip the eggplant rounds. Once both sides of the round are covered in egg, cover it in a second bowl with breadcrumbs. Finally throw the rounds in a nonstick pan with little to no oil on med-high heat. Cook until both sides are golden brown and set aside.
Step 2
Cook the chicken breasts and broccoli together in a pan on medium heat. Cook the chicken all the way through and the broccoli is soft. Pour in the sauce and any spices you are partial to. Might I suggest some oregano and chili flakes for a spicy kick of lust?
Step 3
Once the sauce has fully cooked through the broccoli and chicken and has congealed, crown the chicken breast with a breaded eggplant round. Throw a handful of mozzarella on each chicken/eggplant stack. Turn off the heat, cover the pan with a lid and cheese do its thing. Pull the lid and serve solo, with a side of pasta, or on top of your naked body.
Leave a Comment » | IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES | Tagged: breadcrumbs, broccoli, cheese, chicken, eggplant, entree, italian, IT’S ON!-TREES, mozarella, simple, tomato | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 4, 2008
Caprese them up against the mattress
Insalata caprese is the quintessential simple Italian salad. Stacks of tomatoes, cheese and basil make for quite the sexy threesome. Each flavor is in perfect harmony, never getting jealous that one is getting more attention because they are all so damn fine. The tang of the tomato, soothing taste of mozzarella, and the earthy basil twist = KISS THE COOK. That’s what makes this classic clever. Picky dates looking for a reason to leave you taking a cold shower can’t say no to something so seductively simple. Just ask Stephen Hawking. He’d tell you it’s against the laws of astrophysics. You can’t argue with science, nor can you argue with this desirable salad. One way or another, you won’t be sleeping alone. Bear in mind a human body tends to be more comfortable to spoon with.
Ingredients:
1. 2 buffalo mozzarella balls cut into 1 inch thick slices
2. fresh whole basil leaves
3. 2 tomatoes cut into 1 inch slices
4. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
5. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
Step 1
Stack the tomato, mozzarella and basil, like you stack the card deck cheating at poker. Same principle, but one is way tastier and slightly more honest.
Step 2
Serve up your insalata caprese on a plate and drizzle with the desired amount of olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Serve solo, with bread, or with a little serenade.
Variations:
• Substitute tomatoes with roasted red or yellow peppers
• For a creamier, more foux de fa fa version, use burrata cheese
Leave a Comment » | LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: balsalmic vinegar, basil, caprese, drizzle, LEAFY & LOVELY, mozarella, quick, salad, simple, stacked, tomato | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 4, 2008
For a good time, call Sweet Potato Ass-Browns.
After a night of making sweet sweet love down by fire, sweet potatoes are a fine way to warm things back up in the morning. Whether that’s eating cold sweet potato pie off your lover or making hash browns between weekend sex marathons. The sweet complex carbohydrates will do you oh so right and happen to be among the most nutritional of all vegetables. Fiber? No doubt. Protein and Iron? Mos def. Calcium, Vitamins A & C? Yes, indeed, and oh yeah! So your dinner date evolved into a breakfast date? Did your new play pal make your toes curl like slices of sweet potatoes soaking in hot, saucy, satisfaction? Then keep ‘em hooked so they come back for round 2 and 3 and 87. Did I mention the ingredients are cheap and easy to find? Always keep you fridge stocked with a few sweet potatoes and great things are sure to cum.
Ingredients:
1. 2 sweet potatoes skinned and shredded into bit size pieces
2. 2 garlic cloves thinly sliced
3. 1 onion chopped coarsely
4. 1 handful of mozzarella (or chef’s choice) cheese
5. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
Step 1
Turn the stove onto medium heat and pour 1 tablespoon of olive oil into a pan, heat for 30 seconds, then toss in the garlic, stirring for 15 seconds. Bombard the garlic with the chopped onions and stir until they soften and brown. (approx 3 min)
Step 2
Add another tablespoon of olive oil and toss in the shredded sweet potatoes. Stir in the sweet potatoes with the onions all together until they become soft too. (approx 6 min)
Step 3
Turn off the heat. Throw a handful of cheese over the sweet potatoes and cover the pan. Allow the heat to melt the cheese all over your marvelous creation (approx 1 min) and pull up the lid like Dr. Frankenstein. Serve up your masterpiece on a plate with scrambled eggs or fruit or an indecent proposal. Salt to taste.
Leave a Comment » | MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: breakfast, cheese, MORNING WOOD, mozarella, side dish, simple, sweet potato | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients (for 2):
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 