GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD

December 8, 2008
You garlic going on, you sexy thing, you!
You garlic going on, you sexy thing, you!

No pasta dish is truly complete without garlic bread.  It’s like getting down without your lover going down on you.  Sure the job gets done, but there’s always a part of you longing for a little oral objectification.  Half-assing your meal is like half-assing foreplay, which could lead to dire consequences like a cold shower and possible rumors of small-endowment.  Plus there’s no need to be unsatisfied by your meal when garlic bread is so simple and inexpensive to create.  A few slices, spreads and baking later and you are in business.  Use the bread to mop up that tasty sexy sauce you whipped up.  Lick the plate clean in preparation for the thorough licking you will enjoy later.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes

Projected cost for ingredients: $3

garlic-bread-prepIngredients:
1. 1 small baguette
2. ¼ stick of butter
3. 3 cloves of garlic minced
4. ½ a tomato sliced thinly
5. Parmesan cheese

Step 1
Melt the butter in a saucepan and cook in the garlic until it goes white (approx. 1 minute).  Pour the garlic butter into a container and put in the fridge to cool and harden slightly (approx 15-20 minutes).garlic-bread-butter

Step 2
Cut slices into the baguette leaving some of the bottom crust attached. Spread a small amount of garlic butter between each slice.  Place a slice of tomato between the bread slits.  Grate parmesan a top the baguette.garlic-bread-spread-stuff-sprinkle

Step 3
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.  Wrap the bread up in tinfoil and throw in the oven for 15-20 minutes.  The top of the bread will be brown, the tomatoes soft and the cheese melty on top.  Serve with pasta of your choice and accept you are probably getting laid tonight.garlic-bread-bake

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SU-SWEATY BALLS-O-YAY! (spaghetti bolognese)

December 8, 2008
This hearty Italian classic will make anyone sing falsetto.  Ave Maria, baby!
This hearty Italian classic will make anyone sing falsetto. Ave Maria, baby!

“Ave Maria!” you sing from the plaza of the Italian village.  Your intended conquest comes out onto the balcony to gaze down at the lust in your eyes.  You continue with your falsetto, beckoning your lovely to join you for a magnificent meal that will knock their socks and knickers off.  They will smell the slow cooked perfection of this hearty, meaty dish from the “old country” and naturally follow you like a lemming on its way to an orgy.  This is the power of great Italian food.  The Italians pay such keen attention to the details whether it’s their fine tailored clothes or renowned culinary creations. Why should you treat the food any differently?   You may or may not be Italian, but that doesn’t mean you should boil spaghetti and cover it with sauce from a jar.  Cooking without passion is like banging without an orgasm.  There is really no point.  Don’t waste your date’s time or your charm on forgettable food.  This dish is guaranteed to spice up your night.  COOK TO BANG is not responsible should your lover scream aloud, “Mama Mia!”

Total time: approximately 1-3 hours depending on level of perfection desired

Projected cost for ingredients: $15 (still cheaper than a restaurant, many ingredients will last many more meals, and there will be leftovers)

bolognaise-prepIngredients:
1. ½ cup of red wine
2. 1 tablespoon of salt
3. 1 28oz. can of crushed tomatoes
4. 1 tablespoon of crushed red pepper flakes
5. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
6. ½ cup of heavy cream (optional)
7. 1 pound of ground beef or turkey
8. 2 pork or chicken sausage links chopped into bite-sized pieces
9. Parmesan cheese
10. 2 handfuls of thinly sliced mushrooms
11. 2 carrots peels and shredded
12. 5 celery stalks chopped
13. 1 red onion minced
14. 1 pound pack of spaghetti
15. 5 garlic cloves minced

Step 1
Turn the stove on to medium heat.  Heat the olive oil in a large stockpot and throw in the garlic and onions and cook until they are translucent.  Throw in the mushrooms, carrots and celery and cook the veggies down, adding the crushed red pepper flakes for spice (adjust to your preference: ½ tablespoon = snore, 2 tablespoons = hot damn!).
bolognaise-veggies
Step 2
Add the ground meat and sausage to the stockpot, mix it up with the veggies and cook until the meat turns grey.  Pour in the red wine and cook until the liquid dissolves.
bolognaise-meat
Step 3
Boil water in a separate pot and cook the spaghetti al dente.
bolognaise-pasta
Step 4
Pour the crushed tomatoes into the stockpot with the veggies and meat and mix together thoroughly.  Bring it all to a boil, then turn the heat down to its lowest setting and cook for 1-2 hours, occasionally stirring or adding water when sauce becomes too thick.  If desired, stir in the heavy cream a few minutes before you are ready to eat and allow the sauce to thicken.  Now serve the sauce over spaghetti with garlic bread and a bottle or red wine.  Sing falsetto as you present the food if possible.
bolognaise-saucybolognaise-served-2

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CUNNI-LINGUINE

November 11, 2008
Not so teeny weeny clam linguini

Not so teeny weeny clam linguini

Pasta schmasta.  The Italians were on to something akin to the inventing the wheel when they gave the world pasta.   Pasta dishes can walk a fine line between outstanding and a sorry excuse for food.  It all depends on the scope of your filthy imagination.  Ask yourself whether closing the deal is worth the extra $3 for better ingredients.  Those who answered “no” should take note that it is far cheaper than hiring a hooker, and with less risk of catching herpes or a shiv in the back.  So put the Chef Boyardee back on the shelf and cook like an adult; you might enjoy some post-dinner adult activities (like Parcheesi…in the buff).  Take this carb cuisine from flab to fab.  Canned clams are cheap and readily available, but your date doesn’t need to know that.  Just say you went deep sea diving in shark-infested waters to retrieve the evening meal.  You could even impress them with your badass shark bite scar, OR better yet, knock their socks (and underwear) off using this deceivingly simple recipe. This recipe debut was interrupted a few times by a dinner date that couldn’t keep her hands to herself.  My lust blinded me to the fact I mistakenly poured the Apple Cider Vinegar instead of olive oil.  The result was a tangy compliment to the briny brilliance of the sea.  This recipe has since earned itself a permanent place in the COOK TO BANG hall of fame.  You’re welcome.

cunni-linguini-prepIngredients (for 2):
1. 8 oz. of dried linguini
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 3 cloves of garlic diced
4. 2 shallots diced
5. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
6. ½ a tablespoon of Apple Cider Vinegar
7. 1 can of minced clams with clam juice

Step 1
Fill a pot full of water and boil on high heat. Allow the water to boil and throw in the dried pasta and boil until al dente (follow box/bag instructions).  Pour through a colander and set aside.

Step 2
On medium heat, add the olive oil and sauté the garlic and shallots until they soften and brown.  Toss in the tomatoes and the Apple Cider Vinegar and cook down.
cunni-linguini-shallots-tomatoes1
Step 3
Pour in the entire contents of the canned clams, especially the milky white clam sauce.  Cook the sauce down until the concoction turns into a pinkish color.
cunni-linguini-clams
Step 4
Toss the al dente linguini with the clam sauce until they are well mixed and heated through.  Serve onto plates with a crisp chardonnay, beer or sake.  Tastes like triumph.cunni-linguini-shallots-pasta-sauce