Cook To Bang – Recipes To Get You Laid

Don't be an octopussy. Eat the goddamn salad!

Don’t mess with Octopussy.  That girl has Bond and every other man wrapped around her fingers, eight to be exact.  But that was before she went through the Bond rotation.  Octopussy never recovered once he cast her aside for the next tramp that could crush his spine with her thighs.  That’s where I came in.  She needed a rebound and I was generous to provide my body for that purpose.  All I had to do was sneak into her floating palace past her army of trained female bodyguards with a bag full of groceries. You may assume that I am trained with the ability to scale walls and hold my breath underwater for over an hour.  But all I have is my charisma and disarming sense of humor.  So I subdued the Octopussy cult army with cooking anecdotes and they took me to their leader.  It was tempting to just engage in a massive orgy with her trained killers, but my mission was to Cook To Bang Octopussy.  Homegirl gave me 10 minutes to impress her or I would be fed to her bloodthirsty manatees.  That was just enough time to fix up this salad and present it to Octopussy.  One bite and she was hooked.  We banged until her ego was restored.  And like a good villainess, she kicked me out of bed right after and went back to work on her world domination plot.

Total time: approximately 5 minutes

Projected cost: $17

Drinking Buddy: White wine or SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA

Ingredients (serves 2):

1. 1 tablespoons of brown sugar

2. 1 teaspoon of fish sauce

3. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper

4. 1 tablespoon of olive oil

5. ½ pound of OCTOPUS cut in bite-sized pieces

6. 2 handfuls of lettuce

7. ½ a mango cut in chunks

8. 1 small handful of chopped fresh BASIL

9. ½ a lemon of juice

10. 2 garlic cloves minced

11. 2 handfuls of cherry tomatoes

Step 1

Create the marinade/salad dressing by mixing together the garlic, basil, crushed red pepper, brown sugar, olive oil, fish sauce and lemon juice.  Add the octopus to a separate bowl and pour in ½ the marinade.  Refrigerate and allow the octopus to marinate (approx 15 minutes).

Step 2

Heat up the grill on high heat.  Throw on the octopus and spread the pieces out evenly and grill until they blacken slightly (approx 3 minutes).  Flip them over halfway through grilling and finish the job (approx 2 minutes).  Set aside.

Step 3

Toss the lettuce, tomato and mango with the remaining dressing.  Serve the salad up on plates and place the charred octopus evenly between plates.

Dah na na na na na na!