LECHEROUS LEMON BARS

These are lemon bar none the best way to make somone sweet into a tart

These are lemon bar none the best way to make somone sweet into a tart

Lemon bars are a fairly innocuous sweet treat favored by WASPy church ladies and the uptight men that don’t get to bang them.  Even I can appreciate the wholesome nature of these lovely lemon luxuries.  But that doesn’t mean we must have undying reverence for the sacred lemon bar.  Make them right and lemon bars can be a citrus-soaked ticket to Boom-Shaka-Laka-Land.  Praise be to the dessert treat that can lure in the do-gooder with the do-great ass using sweetness, then convince them to get naked with sour tart.  Think of these lemon bars as the bait on a trap, a decoy if you will.  Plant a seed with that sexy new coworker, naughty neighbor, or coffee shop acquaintance.  Hand them a bar, allow them to experience the orgasmic indulgence in private and wait. Compliments and praise for your culinary prowess will surely follow.  This is the part where you invite them over to your place for more of the same, but in a more intimate setting.  Game, set and match!

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $13
Drinking Buddy: Milk or something stronger like a cognac

lemon-bars-prepIngredients (makes roughly 32 bars):
1. 2 cups of flour, plus another ½ cup
2. 2 cups of granulated sugar
3. 2 cups of powdered sugar, plus another ¼ cup
4. 2 sticks of butter
5. 1 teaspoon of baking powder
6. 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
7. 4 eggs
8. 2 lemons for juice and zesting
9. 1 cup of shredded coconut

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Create the crust by creaming the butter, 2 cups of powdered sugar, and 2 cups of flour, ideally with a baking mixer, otherwise with a lot of elbow grease.  Lay it all out in the base of a 15×10-inch baking pan, patting it all down with your hands.  Throw in the pan and bake until the crust browns slightly (approx 15 minutes).
lemon-bars-crust
Step 2
While the crust is baking, mix up the lovely lemon filling.  First remove the zest from the lemons using a zester or the fine end of a cheese grater.  Squeeze the juice from the lemons, being sure no to mix in the seeds.  Beat the eggs in a separate bowl before adding to the bowl along with the granulated sugar, the remaining ¼ cup of flour, baking powder, vanilla extract and shredded coconut.  Mix it all together thoroughly.
lemon-bars-filling
Step 3
As soon as you pull the baking pan out of the oven with the browned crust, pour in the lemon filling evenly.  Throw it back into the oven bake until the filling hardens (approx 25 minutes).  Remove the baking pan from oven once more and immediately sprinkle the remaining powdered sugar over it evenly.  Allow it all to cool while you work your sexy moves.  Slice them up and serve to your chosen conquest.

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6 Responses to LECHEROUS LEMON BARS

  1. […] “HAVE WE REALLY BEEN DATING FOR 4 YEARS?” Yes, I’m afraid so. Clearly this relationship is an extended fling you both have just gotten used to. But that doesn’t mean you can just opt out of this most romantic of days. And since you are clearly just going through the motions, try this menu out. You might just eke out a little pleasure-free sport-fucking. YES WE CAN-TALOUPE! SUCK-ULENT SUSHI SINWICH LECHEROUS LEMON BARS […]

  2. […] •    HOT DUMB BLONDIES •    HUMPIN’ & PUMPKIN PIE (obviously!) •    LECHEROUS LEMON BARS •    POP THEIR CHERRY JUBILEE •    RICE […]

  3. […] Step 1 Marinate the chicken with lemon, salt, and black pepper (approx 10 min). Warm up 1 tbsp of olive oil on medium heat and brown the chicken, cooking it through and set it aside. Brown the sausages on both sides and set aside. Step 2 Heat up the remaining olive oil in a stockpot to sauté the garlic until it goes white (approx 30 sec). Toss in the onions and bell peppers, salt and pepper them, and cook until they’re as translucent as a gold-digging skeeze-bag (approx 5 min). Step 3 Mix the tomato paste in and cook until it browns and starts to cake to the pot (approx 3 min). Pour in 1 can of chicken stock, using the liquid to scrape the caked tomato paste off the side of the stockpot, and bring to a boil (approx 4 min). Add the tomatoes, Cajun seasoning, pre-browned chicken and sausage, and the chicken stock. Bring it to a roaring boil on high heat. Step 4 Add the rice to the boiling stockpot of goodness. Turn the heat down low, cover with a lid, and simmer, stirring occasionally until the rice absorbs all the liquid (approx 25 min). Jambalaya is the perfect side for most Southern ENTREES. But if I had to choose my favorite, serve with BANGIN’ SOME CAJUNS SHRIMP and a LECHEROUS LEMON BAR. […]

  4. […] •    HOT DUMB BLONDIES •    HUMPIN’ & PUMPKIN PIE (obviously!) •    LECHEROUS LEMON BARS •    POP THEIR CHERRY JUBILEE •    RICE […]

  5. […] Step 1 Marinate the chicken with lemon, salt, and black pepper (approx 10 min). Warm up 1 tbsp of olive oil on medium heat and brown the chicken, cooking it through and set it aside. Brown the sausages on both sides and set aside. Step 2 Heat up the remaining olive oil in a stockpot to sauté the garlic until it goes white (approx 30 sec). Toss in the onions and bell peppers, salt and pepper them, and cook until they’re as translucent as a gold-digging skeeze-bag (approx 5 min). Step 3 Mix the tomato paste in and cook until it browns and starts to cake to the pot (approx 3 min). Pour in 1 can of chicken stock, using the liquid to scrape the caked tomato paste off the side of the stockpot, and bring to a boil (approx 4 min). Add the tomatoes, Cajun seasoning, pre-browned chicken and sausage, and the chicken stock. Bring it to a roaring boil on high heat. Step 4 Add the rice to the boiling stockpot of goodness. Turn the heat down low, cover with a lid, and simmer, stirring occasionally until the rice absorbs all the liquid (approx 25 min). Jambalaya is the perfect side for most Southern ENTREES. But if I had to choose my favorite, serve with BANGIN’ SOME CAJUNS SHRIMP and a LECHEROUS LEMON BAR. […]

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