Lemon bars are a fairly innocuous sweet treat favored by WASPy church ladies and the uptight men that don’t get to bang them. Even I can appreciate the wholesome nature of these lovely lemon luxuries. But that doesn’t mean we must have undying reverence for the sacred lemon bar. Make them right and lemon bars can be a citrus-soaked ticket to Boom-Shaka-Laka-Land. Praise be to the dessert treat that can lure in the do-gooder with the do-great ass using sweetness, then convince them to get naked with sour tart. Think of these lemon bars as the bait on a trap, a decoy if you will. Plant a seed with that sexy new coworker, naughty neighbor, or coffee shop acquaintance. Hand them a bar, allow them to experience the orgasmic indulgence in private and wait. Compliments and praise for your culinary prowess will surely follow. This is the part where you invite them over to your place for more of the same, but in a more intimate setting. Game, set and match!
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $13
Drinking Buddy: Milk or something stronger like a cognac
Ingredients (makes roughly 32 bars):
1. 2 cups of flour, plus another ½ cup
2. 2 cups of granulated sugar
3. 2 cups of powdered sugar, plus another ¼ cup
4. 2 sticks of butter
5. 1 teaspoon of baking powder
6. 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
7. 4 eggs
8. 2 lemons for juice and zesting
9. 1 cup of shredded coconut
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Create the crust by creaming the butter, 2 cups of powdered sugar, and 2 cups of flour, ideally with a baking mixer, otherwise with a lot of elbow grease. Lay it all out in the base of a 15×10-inch baking pan, patting it all down with your hands. Throw in the pan and bake until the crust browns slightly (approx 15 minutes).
While the crust is baking, mix up the lovely lemon filling. First remove the zest from the lemons using a zester or the fine end of a cheese grater. Squeeze the juice from the lemons, being sure no to mix in the seeds. Beat the eggs in a separate bowl before adding to the bowl along with the granulated sugar, the remaining ¼ cup of flour, baking powder, vanilla extract and shredded coconut. Mix it all together thoroughly.
As soon as you pull the baking pan out of the oven with the browned crust, pour in the lemon filling evenly. Throw it back into the oven bake until the filling hardens (approx 25 minutes). Remove the baking pan from oven once more and immediately sprinkle the remaining powdered sugar over it evenly. Allow it all to cool while you work your sexy moves. Slice them up and serve to your chosen conquest.