April 13, 2016
The tower of power!

The tower of power!

Behold the fabled tower!  It is said to control our ids.  When it tells us to sacrifice a Chia Pet in its honor, we do it with a grateful smile.  With clay and foliage scattered on the floor, dance over it with your arms stretched out to the glowing orange mash.  Listen to it coo to you, “It’s okay.  Go for it! Embrace the unknown.  Give into your desires.”  Perhaps you’re bewildered by the fact that a side dish is talking to you.  Don’t over-think it.  Believe what the creamy, dreamy yams tell you.  They have your best interest at heart.  And I’m not just saying this because I’m the high priest of the sweet potato sex cult.  Kool-Aid, anyone?

roast sweet mash prepTotal time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $4

Ingredients (for 2):
1. 1 lb sweet potatoes
2. 2 dashes salt
3. 2 dashes black pepper
4. 1 dash paprika
5. 1/8 butter
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful Parmesan

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C.  Throw in the sweet potatoes and roast until they become soft to the squeeze (approx 45min).  Split them down the middle and scoop out the contents.
roast sweet mash tater
Step 2
Combine the sweet potatoes with the butter, salt, black pepper, paprika, green onions and Parmesan.  Mash it all up with a fork and serve up on a plate to compliment a meaty ENTRÉE.

roast sweet mash mix

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April 11, 2016
Don't forget the milk with them titties
Don’t forget the milk with them titties

Give it up for KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES.  They are stupidly simple to make, show imagination and a touch of humor, the essentially ingredient in attraction.  If you’re a guy, these say, “I love your breasts so much I had to commemorate them with a high calorie treat.”  If you’re a woman, the cookies say, “Just to remind you how amazing my breasts are, take a nibble, baby.”  Everybody wins with these edible mammaries!  An added bonus is that you can make a ton of these if you are dating more than one person.  Plus they make great gifts for your friends, coworkers and family that aren’t easily offended.  You best get baking.

peanut-kisses-prepIngredients (makes 20-30 cookies):
1. 1 cup of brown sugar
2. 1 cup of white sugar
3. 1¼ cups of flour
4. ½ teaspoon of baking soda
5. ½ teaspoon of baking powder
6. ½ cup of peanut butter
7. 1 teaspoon of vanilla
8. ½ cup of honey
9. 2 eggs
10. Hershey Kisses
11. ½ cup of margarine or butter

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.  Mix the butter/margarine and peanut butter.  Mix in the eggs and vanilla.  Next mix the baking powder, baking soda, honey, white and brown sugars.  Finally mix the flour in (the mixture will be thick so be careful not to burn out the engine if you use a hand blender).peanut-kisses-mix
Step 2
Unwrap all the Hershey Kisses and set aside.  Roll small balls of cookie dough the side of walnuts in their shells.  Set two balls side by side, leaving a ½ inch between them.   Make sure each pair has enough room to expand.  Bake 7 to 9 minutes until the edges of the cookies brown.  Remove from the oven and transfer onto wax paper to cool, immediately setting 2 Kisses on each cookie.  After a minute, pinch the tips and push down softly until you get your desire areola look.  Allow to cool, then package for gifts or each with milk, soymilk or by itself.


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April 8, 2016
On the drunk ship lollywhore, We took a trip to the liquor store.

On the drunk ship lollywhore, We took a trip to the liquor store.

Never trust a ginger.  Red heads are duplicitous and allies of Satan.  Their freckles and hair color are unnatural so therefore should be feared.  The same rules apply for drinks.  Drinks should be clear, dark red or brown.  But that scary cherry red from grenadine is the stuff of nightmares, or childhood innocence.  That’s why I ordered a Shirley Temple at the bar.  I wasn’t planning to get hammered or molested by a crazy redhead.  She just managed to get me to drink 6 Shirley Temples before I realized there was enough vodka in them to kill a rhino.  Before I could scream for help, the girl with the red ringlets in her hair had me in her apartment dressed me up in a sailor suit.  I thought it was some nightmare caused by snacking too close to bedtime.  But that was before I saw the YouTube clip of us singing a duet of “The Good Ship Lollypop”.  For the record, I did not have sexual relations with that candy.  But I did with the ginger hussy.  The Slutty Temple made me do it!.

slutty-temple-prepTotal time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $6 (excluding vodka)

Ingredients (per drink):
1. 1 splash of grenadine
2. 1 part vodka
3.  2 parts 7-Up
4. 1 handful of ice
5. 1 wedge of lime

Step 1
First put ice in a glass and then pour the vodka and 7-Up in.  Add a splash of grenadine so the drink gets red, squeeze a lime wedge and drop it the glass.  Stir it all up and serve you innocent, you.


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April 6, 2016

Tease me, please me, mac & cheese me!

When it comes to potlucks, stealing the show with something unexpected always boosts your game. You will be forever remembered for that one dish that your friends fought over the priviledge to lick the plate. High five and fist bumps all around for you. At least that’s how I roll. Considering my pseudo-profession is a digital chef, it is expected of me. That doesn’t I, nor you, shouldn’t take advantage of said skills. Take this mac & cheese I brought to my buddy’s potluck over the weekend. He assured me single girls, and attached girls on the verge of bailing would be there. So I had to show up with something that would sneak in under their radar and smack them across the face with pleasure. A childhood classic schmi’ed up with awesome stole the thunder of even the $50 slab of Atlantic salmon, which for the record was excellent (twas my RECIPE afterall). Cheek kisses and phone numbers were exchanged and no leftovers in sight.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: All depends on it’s culinary wingman

Ingredients (Serves 20):
1. 1 quart milk
2. 1/3 cup flour
3. Salt to taste
4. Black pepper to taste
5. 1 lb dry large elbow macaroni
6. 4 tbsp breadcrumbs
7. æ lb shredded jack cheese
8. 3 OZ shredded cheddar cheese
9. 1 stick butter
10. 1 bunch green onions chopped coarsely
11. 3 dried New Mexico CHILIES

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Throw the macaroni in boiling water, cook al dente, drain, and throw back in large stockpot (approx 8 min).

Step 2
While macaroni boils, start the sauce: melt the butter on med-low heat (approx 2 min). Chop the chilies into tiny pieces and throw into the butter. Salt and pepper as needed and thoroughly stir in the flour (approx 1 min). Throw in the green onions and cheese, and cook until it all melts.

Step 3
Dump the cheese sauce into the pasta and mix together like the superstar you are. Fill a baking dish or disposable tinfoil dish (as pictured), dumps in the milk, scatter the cheddar, and crown it all with breadcrumbs. Throw it dish in the oven and bake until the milk absorbs into the pasta, the cheddar melts and the breadcrumbs brown into a crust.

Serve with your favorite potluck goodies. Might I suggest FREAKY FRIED CORN-FLAKY CHICKEN and LECHEROUS LEMON BARS.

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April 4, 2016
Lead your enchanted hordes with the glorious tune of your Potato Skin Flute.

Lead your enchanted hordes with the glorious tune of your Potato Skin Flute.

The flute is an enchanting instrument that when played right can control the minds of the captivated audience.  Pan rocked his pipes and outplayed Mt. Olympus’s residents. The Pied Piper inspired people to follow him like sheep, dancing like fools through meadows and forests.  Even Saint Patrick the heartthrob priest used a wind instrument to drive the snakes out of Ireland.  You too can enjoy such greatness if you embrace and master your own flute (or your man’s).  Play that flute beautifully with precision and attention to detail and they will follow you anywhere you want to go.  Just imagine the possibilities once you have someone under your flute’s spell and yearning for your next note.  Audiences can be fickle so keep them fed so the flute party keeps going.  Savory Potato Skin Flutes will do the trick.  Cheeky, cheap and cheesy!  You’ll be back playing the final crescendo in no time. ♪

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a MO MOJO MOJITO

tater-skins-prepIngredients (for two):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. ½ teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. Sour cream for dipping
6. ½ cup of shredded jack (or cheddar) cheese
7. 1/3 cup of shredded Parmesan
8. 1 JALAPEÑO chopped into thin round slices
9. 3 potatoes
10. 2 coarsely chopped green onions (optional, not pictured)

Step 1

Preheat the oven to 475 degrees F.  Create the potato skin glaze by mixing the olive oil, paprika, salt, pepper, and Parmesan in a bowl.


Step 2

Wash the potatoes thoroughly, and then cut them in half and scoop out the centers with a spoon, leaving the skins in tact.  Place the 6 potato skins in a greased baking pan, apply the glaze evenly over all and toss them in the oven to bake (approx 7 minutes).  Pull the pan out of the oven and flip the skins over and bake until they brown (approx 7 minutes).  Flip the skins back over and throw in the jalapeños (and green onions if you wish) and cover them with cheese. Toss the skins back in the oven until the cheese melts (approx 2 minutes).  Serve those bad boys up on a plate with sour cream and if you are feeling bold, GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE.


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April 2, 2016
Naked Nacho Naughtiness needs no non-naked nonsense.

Naked Nacho Naughtiness needs no non-naked nonsense.

Because, why not?  We exhaust ourselves being seriously serious and fully clothed.  Get naughty for a change.  Is there really anything wrong with eating nachos naked in bed?  Sure it’s messy and totally awesome, but oh so primal and did I mention easy enough for a lab monkey to make?  Mr. Nutter the chimp threw this together and invited all the lady lab apes to his cage for some monkey business.  So be bold and invite your date over for naked nachos.  They will just think you mean sans meat or dairy.  Let them.  Answer the door wearing nothing but the nachos in your hand.

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $11
Drinking Buddy: Beer

macho-nachos-prep1Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ bag of tortilla chips
2. 1 tablespoon of sour cream
3. 2 jalapeños diced in rounds
4. 2 tablespoons of SIMPLY SEXY SALSA
5. 2 tablespoons of GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE
6. ½ can of black beans
7. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
8. 1 chicken breast grilled or baked (vegetarian exclude)
9. 2 large handfuls of shredded jack cheese

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Pull apart the chicken into shreds.  Lay a thin bed of chips on large oven safe plate.  Scoop in 2 spoonfuls of black beans, throw a handful of chicken, jalapeños, green onion, and a heaping handful of jack cheese.  Repeat the process with another smaller batch of chips and fillings until you have yourself a tower.

macho-nachos-assemble1Step 2
Throw the nachos in the oven and bake until the cheese melts into the goodness below (approx 15 min).  Create condom-ment mini mountains of SALSA, GUACAMOLE and sour cream.  Now the two of you, get naked and climb that mountain!


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March 30, 2016
You wanna bang?  Artichokey Dokey!

You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!

Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party?  Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red?  Bruschetta to the rescue!  It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing.  Did I mention how simple it is to prepare?  You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing.  Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet.  Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point.  Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants.  Abra-bang-dabra!

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

bruschetta prepIngredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings.  Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
bruschetta bread
Step 2
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
bruschetta spread
Step 3
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice.  Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
bruschetta drop sprinklebruschetta drop served

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