I do declare! Watching all these thoroughbreds at the Kentucky Derby sure does make me hot under the collar. The horse racing is nice too. The Southern belles wearing their summer hats and sundresses easily bests watching graceful four-legged beasts kick up fresh grass. Hot to fucking trot! It seems this race is nothing more than an excuse for bourgeois people to socialize and fornicate. Fine with me. It’s like a guy in a threesome. He’s only there so the girls don’t feel like they are lesbians. Don’t worry, girls. Guys will always be willing to be your reason du jour. Naturally, girls peeling sundresses off in the summer heat makes you want to cool off with a classic Southern beverage like the mint julep. Plays your cards right, mix the drink well, and you gents might be lucky enough to be the excuse for a threesome. Just remember, you’re really only there to watch. Enjoy the show!
Total time: approximately 33 minutes
Projected cost: $4 (excluding booze)
Drinking Buddy: If this isn’t enough booze for you, I suggest drinking rubbing alcohol.
1. 2 shots of bourbon (per drink)
2. 1/3 cup of brown sugar
3. 2/3 cup of white sugar
4. 1 cup of water
5. Crushed ice
6. 1 sprig of mint leaves (per drink), another handful for the simple syrup
Create a simple mint syrup. Boil the cup of water, then mix in the white and brown sugar, and stir until the sugar dissolves. Turn off the heat and throw in a large handful of mint leaves and allow them to steep in the fridge. (Approx 30 minutes)
Frost your serving glasses. Fill your glass almost to the brim with crushed ice. Place the spring of mint leaves in with the ice. Match the amount of bourbon to the amount of simple syrup and mix vigorously. Now serve this up to a Southern belle or gentleman as if you’re name is Smarty Jones.