Cook To Bang – Recipes To Get You Laid

Feel that rumbling?  That’s not your stomach growling for something homemade and delicious.  It’s the sound of a dance party emanating from a sandwich, reverberating across the room and making everything turn raver-licious.  Close your eyes and you will see strobe lights.  Suddenly we are all wearing baggy pants again and dancing with glow sticks, blissfully unaware how ridiculous we look to anyone sober. Like we care, right?  It’s 1999 all over again and I know the DJ.  Think of this shroom burger as the ultimate disco biscuit.  It is so damn good, you feel like you are high on god knows what.  You will certainly appear more attractive to whomever you serve it to.  Now the two of you can shadow dance with your hands like epileptic classical music conductors.  Rave on ‘til the break of dawn!

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: MO MOJO MOJITO

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 Portobello mushrooms
2. 1 tbsp of balsamic vinegar
3. 1 tbsp of olive oil
4. Mayonnaise at your discretion
5. 2 hamburger buns
6. 1 handful of shredded mozzarella
7. 1 onion cut in strips
8. 1 tomato sliced thinly
9. 2 slices of lettuce
10. 1 red CHILI sliced thinly
11. ½ an AVOCADO sliced thinly

Step 1
Wash the Portobello mushrooms, then remove the stems, scrape out the black gills, and finally marinate them in ½ a tablespoon of olive oil and the balsamic vinegar.

Step 2
Prepare the buns by lining the each top bun with the CHILI slices and covering them with the mozzarella. Toast the buns until the cheese melts and the bottom buns brown.

Step 3
Grill the mushrooms on the BBQ or stove tops down, dumping the remaining marinade into the mushroom cup.  Cover the shrooms and cook until the bottom browns and softens (approx 5 min).  Move onto Step 4 while you wait.  Flip the portobellos and re-cover, cooking until that side softens (approx 4 min).

Step 4
Grill the onions in a pan with vegetable oil until they soften and brown (approx 6 min).

Step 5
Assemble the shroom burgers.  First spread the mayonnaise or your favorite condom-ment on the bottom bun, and then add the grilled onions.  Lay out across the top bun lettuce, tomato, avocado and the grilled mushroom. 

Slap it all together, slice in half and serve.