SU-SWEATY BALLS-O-YAY!

This hearty Italian classic will make anyone sing falsetto.  Ave Maria, baby!
This hearty Italian classic will make anyone sing falsetto. Ave Maria, baby!

“Ave Maria!” you sing from the plaza of the Italian village.  Your intended conquest comes out onto the balcony to gaze down at the lust in your eyes.  You continue with your falsetto, beckoning your lovely to join you for a magnificent meal that will knock their socks and knickers off.  They will smell the slow cooked perfection of this hearty, meaty dish from the “old country” and naturally follow you like a lemming on its way to an orgy.  This is the power of great Italian food.  The Italians pay such keen attention to the details whether it’s their fine tailored clothes or renowned culinary creations. Why should you treat the food any differently?   You may or may not be Italian, but that doesn’t mean you should boil spaghetti and cover it with sauce from a jar.  Cooking without passion is like banging without an orgasm.  There is really no point.  Don’t waste your date’s time or your charm on forgettable food.  This dish is guaranteed to spice up your night.  COOK TO BANG is not responsible should your lover scream aloud, “Mama Mia!”

Total time: approximately 1-3 hours depending on level of perfection desired

Projected cost for ingredients: $15 (still cheaper than a restaurant, many ingredients will last many more meals, and there will be leftovers)

bolognaise-prepIngredients:
1. ½ cup of red wine
2. 1 tablespoon of salt
3. 1 28oz. can of crushed tomatoes
4. 1 tablespoon of crushed red pepper flakes
5. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
6. ½ cup of heavy cream (optional)
7. 1 pound of ground beef or turkey
8. 2 pork or chicken sausage links chopped into bite-sized pieces
9. Parmesan cheese
10. 2 handfuls of thinly sliced mushrooms
11. 2 carrots peels and shredded
12. 5 celery stalks chopped
13. 1 red onion minced
14. 1 pound pack of spaghetti
15. 5 garlic cloves minced

Step 1
Turn the stove on to medium heat.  Heat the olive oil in a large stockpot and throw in the garlic and onions and cook until they are translucent.  Throw in the mushrooms, carrots and celery and cook the veggies down, adding the crushed red pepper flakes for spice (adjust to your preference: ½ tablespoon = snore, 2 tablespoons = hot damn!).
bolognaise-veggies
Step 2
Add the ground meat and sausage to the stockpot, mix it up with the veggies and cook until the meat turns grey.  Pour in the red wine and cook until the liquid dissolves.
bolognaise-meat
Step 3
Boil water in a separate pot and cook the spaghetti al dente.
bolognaise-pasta
Step 4
Pour the crushed tomatoes into the stockpot with the veggies and meat and mix together thoroughly.  Bring it all to a boil, then turn the heat down to its lowest setting and cook for 1-2 hours, occasionally stirring or adding water when sauce becomes too thick.  If desired, stir in the heavy cream a few minutes before you are ready to eat and allow the sauce to thicken.  Now serve the sauce over spaghetti with garlic bread and a bottle or red wine.  Sing falsetto as you present the food if possible.
bolognaise-saucybolognaise-served-2

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4 Responses to SU-SWEATY BALLS-O-YAY!

  1. […] The top of the bread will be brown, the tomatoes soft and the cheese melty on top.  Serve with pasta of your choice and accept you are probably getting laid […]

  2. […] but try to avoid the inevitable nagging and save yourself a few bucks for when you become single: SU-SWEATY BALLS-O-YAY! LET’S BANG […]

  3. Thanks for this, very interesting. I’ve been looking high and low for a specific pasta dish that my wife and I had on our very first date . I found an entire website with just pasta recipe ideas (you might be interested) but so far still no luck in finding the one! Damnit… I’m fairly certain it had shrimp in it.. Any ideas?

  4. […] but try to avoid the inevitable nagging and save yourself a few bucks for when you become single: SU-SWEATY BALLS-O-YAY! LET’S BANG […]

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