Let’s start off with the disclaimer that I hate New Years. Amateur hour doesn’t begin to describe the distaste I have for the most blue-balls-inducing of holidays. Looking back, I mostly see lame memories of me standing in a large room full of people, holding a drink, and pretending to be having the rockingest of times. One year my crew got lost in the desert searching for a rave with bad directions; we never found the party and celebrated the ball dropping in a gas station parking lot declining sips from a meth-addled maniac’s tallboy. Other NYE’s have featured my family lecturing me about making the next year count since clearly the previous years were mulligans. The one thing most of these celebrations have in common is that I did not get laid.
Imagine how much better your New Years Evening would be if you capped it off some sexy time. That was my reasoning last year. I had the most bangingest of New Years by keeping things low key. The three main ingredients were accounted for: amazing ingredients, delicious liquids, and a smoking hot lady with a booty that wouldn’t quit. We opted out of the myriad of ultimate parties we had been invited to and spent the evening in. Worries about parking, weather, and sobriety checkpoints fizzled out as I shut the door on the year. I was rather smitten over the girl in question deemed totally out of my league. But those haters did not take into account my time-tested Cook To Bang method.
Shop I did for the sexiest ingredients I could find. I splurged on the best reasoning the money I was saving not going out. My car hauled ass from the fish market, to Whole Foods, and on down to the Japanese market for some choice goodies. My date was familiar enough with my CTB skills, but never on steroids as it was that night.
- 10 pm – She walked in the door in her hot little black dress to find CHASING YELLOW TAIL soaked in ponzu sauce crowned with jalepeno slices (post coming soon) and ice-cold unfiltered sake.
- 11 pm – My lady’s knees were knocking at 11pm when I served her MISO HORNY COD with DON’T BE COY, BOK CHOY! and a glass of Riesling.
- 11:30 pm DOUBLE DIP THE TIP IN CHOCOLATE strawberries with champagne made that tiny black dress vanish.
- 12 am – We were already banging like rabbits on Viagra down by the fire (there was a fire place, I’m a romantic deep down) when the ball dropped.
- 2 am – Post-coital and hungry after the first marathon banging session of the year, I made some MÉNAGE À TOFU TRIANGLES to fuel the many sessions that followed.
More food was made, but we were too busy banging to bother making an impressive effort after that. Neither of us was seen or heard from until January 3rd. I held my head high in spite of the recession, insecurity about another lackluster year, and the doom and gloom in the news. Yet 2010 brought much joy and triumph. Here’s to 2011 being a banging year for all of us!