PICNIC TO BANG

Be sure no bear steals your picnic basket while you're banging in the woods.

Be sure no bear steals your picnic basket while you’re banging in the woods.

Food on the go doesn’t always mean artery-shattering fast food in greasy paper bags. Call it a picnic and suddenly you’re the classiest bastard alive.  Cooking at home certainly makes post-meal banging a foregone conclusion, but sometimes you need to mix it up.  Taking your homemade treats elsewhere can be an adventure that allows your date to get comfortable with you.  The clear advantage to a picnic date is not blowing your paycheck at a restaurant.  Plus it’s romantic in spite of it being a tad cliché.  My retort to that is women always flock to recycled cliché romantic comedies ad nausea.  Many a picnic date have yielded me randy rewards. One went so well that I was cited in a park for public indecency when my date and I were caught in the backseat of her Prius, which was surprisingly roomy. Apparently all the parents of impressionable youngsters didn’t appreciate our tomfoolery.

WHAT YOU NEED
•    Picnic basket: the only way to go
•    Blanket: large enough to spread out your treats and later some legs
•    Paper/plastic plates: toss
•    Napkins: paper work, but cloth are classier
•    Cutlery: plastic or inexpensive metal ones not from your silverware drawer
•    Cups: plastic wine glasses work best
•    Wine bottle opener: don’t get caught without one

RULES FOR FOOD
•    Portable
•    Non-perishable/stable
•    Not too messy
•    Finger foods, or at least don’t require a knife
•    Easy to toss away with minimal take homes
•    Can be served at room temperature
•    Don’t overdo it

PERFECT PICNIC PLACES
•    Parks
•    Beaches
•    Hikes
•    Outdoor festivals
•    Plays
•    Concerts

COOK TO BANG RECOMMENDATIONS:
•    ALL SINWICHES
•    ALL LEAFY & LOVELY SALADS

FINGER FOOD FOREPLAYING AROUND
•    APPLETASTIC NIPPLERS
•    ARTICHOKE PARTY POKE BRUSCHETTA
•    BAKED BRIEZ NUTS
•    BANG LIKE THE DEVILED EGGS
•    BEND OVER ENDIVE NIPPLERS
•    CAMBODIAN LOVE ROLLS
•    CHEESY MEATY DATES
•    FREAKY FRIED CORN-FLAKY CHICKEN
•    HUMMUNNA HUMMUNNA HUMMUS
•    JUST THE STUFFED MUSHROOM TIP
•    LOX UP YOUR DAUGHTERS
•    SALSAS: SIMPLE, MANGO, PAPAYA, GUACAMOLE
•    YES WE CAN-TALOUPE!

SWEET TEMPTATIONS
•    BALLS-ON-IT BALSAMIC STRAWBERRIES
•    BANGAROONS
•    DOUBLE DIP THE TIP IN CHOCOLATE
•    GOODNESS GRACIOUS GRANDMA! COOKIES
•    KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES
•    LECHEROUS LEMON BARS
•    NO BLUE-BALL-BERRY KRISPIE SWEETS
•    PINCH YOUR ASS-BERRY BROWNIES
•    PORN-FLAKE FRISKEES

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