March 30, 2016
You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!
Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party? Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red? Bruschetta to the rescue! It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing. Did I mention how simple it is to prepare? You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing. Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet. Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point. Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants. Abra-bang-dabra!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings. Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
Step 2
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
Step 3
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice. Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
2 Comments | 
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Posted by cooktobang
November 30, 2015
The plantain train is leaving the station with or without you!
All aboard! This party train is headed for your Caribbean culinary connection. Expect steel drums, tropical breezes and dreadlocks. When you aren’t shaking your booty to some live reggae, you can stuff your face with this CARBOLUSCIOUS treats. The banana’s larger, oven-friendly cousin will capture the island spirit. Baking it makes it a guilt-free snack or compliment to your ENTRÉE. Plantains are inexpensive, robust and totally awesome. Your date won’t expect such a delicious twist. Now do as Bob Marley commands and get with the kinky reggae now! Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
September 11, 2015
She Bangs, He Bangs, Ke-Bangs!
Let’s be honest here. You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t like banging. Right? If you thought this site was for carpentry where you learn how to bang hammer to nail…forgive me my trespassing. I am nothing like Jesus the carpenter or Son of God, unless you count the ripped abs from all that stretching on the crucifix. But I do offer you recipes reserved for the gods so in some ways you aren’t totally off. Here we have classic middle-eastern nosh that Jesus may have sampled during one of his hangouts with his twelve adoring homies AKA apostles. Kebabs are simple and perfect for those waning days of summer. Grill, broil it, munch it. Each bite brings you closer to God. Amen to that! Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
September 4, 2015
Order in the court! Allow me to retort...
That Ben Dover better bend over for what he’s done. Corporal punishment is the only fitting penance for the food slurs he committed. He tarnished his soul with this Dover sole. The bastard though that he could make a fish marinade out of blueberries, New Mexico chilies and coconut milk. Ha! How could a strange commingling of flavors like that taste anything but weird? Clearly he must know the consequences of his reckless cooking. Granted, I haven’t tasted his culinary cancer, but it has to be awful. Right? Fine, if you insist I don’t try him in the kangaroo court I call my garage, I will try a bite. <takes bite, chews> You see! It’s guilt…glorious! <touching self> The delicate blueberry taste dances with the New Mexico chili wolves and cools down with a river of soothing coconut milk. <does cartwheel> I hereby dismiss this case. Ben Dover deserves a commendation for his culinary bravery. Ladies of the court, please try a bite of this food pioneer’s masterpiece and meet me in the judge’s chambers! Read the rest of this entry »
8 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, atkins, fusion, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, mexican, RECIPES, seafood, spicy, summer | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, bbq, blueberries, blueberry chili marinade, coconut milk, corporal punishment, court, delicious, DIY, Dover sole, easy, food, food slur, game changer, garage, get laid, gourmet, grill, grilled Dover sole recipe, grillin' like a villain, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, judge, jury, kangaroo court, kitchen, libido, marinade, masterpiece, naked, new Mexico chilies, recipe, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame seeds olive oil, sex, spicy, sweet spicy Dover sole, tasty, trial, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 26, 2015
We scream for sex dreams!
Ever had post-banging munchies so severe you considered eating an entire package of edible panties? It’s a goddamn epidemic! Evasive action is necessary to replenish those calories you burned in the throes of unbridled lust. Since few people have enough raspberry flavored underwear, might I point you in the way of the kitchen? It’s that room that some people put food in. The quickest way to return to the task at hand is speed and efficiency. You want the most flavor per time allotted. Nothing cools you down after steamy summer sex like an ice cream sandwich crowned with strawberries. So get back to the screaming, dreaming and orgasm-gleaming! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, summer, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: bang, banging, chocolate chip cookie, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, fast, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, I scream you scream sinwich recipe, ice cream sandwich recipe, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, on the go, post-coital, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, strawberries, sweet, tasty, unbridled lust, vanilla ice cream, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 24, 2015
The ancient fable spoke of a golden era of cooking and banging.
Read through the footnotes of the Kama Sutra and you will learn about a mysterious dish with incomparable sexual power. This dish had not been created then, but was predicted by a great Indian psychic. I took the liberty of deciphering the ancient Sanskrit because I am a power hungry sociopath. My goal was to control the opposite sex’s minds. So far so good. I can get my stable to sit, fetch and bend over. Good girls! The simplicity of grilled fish and a salad makes this one of the easiest methods of keeping someone you want to bang under your spell. Now I pass along this fabled recipe to you. Grill with God! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, RECIPES, seafood, summer | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, coals, delicious, dill, DIY, easy, fable, fables maple salmon recipe, fast, fish, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, grill with god, grillin' like a villain, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kama sutra, kitchen, libido, naked, recipe, Sanskrit, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sociopath, summer, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 10, 2015
Careful, for this is one sharp swordsman of the sea.
Alas, there is no escaping your fate. We shall duel at dawn’s first light. You wrote your destiny when you insulted my honor. By not partaking in the fine FINGER FOOD I prepared, nor acquiescing to my subtle seductions, I am forced to take things a might bit further. So I have upped the ante of our rendezvous with an unstoppable thrust of nature. This wicked weapon will pierce thy heart and expose thy loins. There is nothing thou can do to hold me back from my urge for triumphant trolloping. And to think my foes presume this dish to be anything but simple sensational seduction. En garde, I say! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, RECIPES, seafood, summer | Tagged: aprhodisiac, bang, bbq, chives, cracked pepper, delicious, DIY, duel, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, Grilled swordfish recipe, grillin' like a villain, guarantee, herbs, homemade, impale, intercourse, kitchen, lemon juice, lemon swordfish, libido, loins, marinate, naked, ocean, olive oil, recipe, salt, sea, seafood, seduce, sex, sword, swordfish, tasty, weapon, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 7, 2015
Sweet, spicy, totally macho.
I know what you’re thinking. How could a cold fruity summer soup be so macho? I’m glad you asked. The flavors don’t dance delicately like a ballerina upon your tongue. Fuck no! They river-dance to speed metal all over that tongue of yours with more flavors than you can shake your genitals at. Walls will bust open like the Kool-Aid Man’s back for revenge. Your date won’t wait for permission to ravish you. Mediterranean nymphs shan’t flutter, but grind into your ears with rubber mini-skirts. Does that answer your question? Read the rest of this entry »
4 Comments | fusion, healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, spicy, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, black pepper, cold soup, cucumber, delicious, DIY, easy, food, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, italian, kitchen, kool-aid man, latin, libido, Mediterranean, mini-skirts, muy macho papaya gazpacho, naked, nymphs, olive oil, papaya, papaya gazpacho recipe, parsley, recipe, red onion, red wine vinegar, refreshing, river-dance, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, sourdough bread, speed metal, summer, tasty, tomato juice, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 4, 2015
Turkey turns ’em on, then turns ’em out. Yeow!
Hamburgers are not normally considered sexy, but they are a damn tasty staple of the American diet. Turkey meat however is leaner, meaner and greener. The protein does you right plus there’s less fat and twice the flavor when cooked right. My thanks go out to the Native Americans for turning the Pilgrims onto this precious bird (sorry about taking your land and all). The fire charring the meat empowers the caveman in every male chef. The lady chef or date can enjoy this tasty piece of the American dream and not worry about the dish going straight to her thighs. When you bit into the center and find the goat cheese goodness, a choir of angels with trumpets shall inspire a tryst of the kinkiest order. I tried a similar dish at a bourgeois New York restaurant priced somewhere upwards of $25. The bill hurt my wallet, but my palette was well satisfied and my brain full of inspiration. This summertime dish always leads to good times and enough erotic memories to last me through winter. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, dairy, fusion, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, poultry, RECIPES, summer | Tagged: avocado, bang, bbq, burger, delicious, fire, food, goat cheese, gourmet, gourmet turkey burger, grill, grillin' like a villain, hamburger buns, healthy, hot, love, lust, manly, masculine, onion, recipe, romance, sandwich, scallion, SEDUCTION, sex, sexy, simple, tomato, turkey | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 3, 2015
American produce, love it or grill it!
America, fuck yeah! Can you feel the patriotism emanating off the computer screen and making your heart beet to the Star Spangled Banner. Even if you aren’t a tea-partying real patriot, you gotta love your country right about now. And if you don’t, God shall smite thee with ten billion pounds of fireworks. In all seriousness folks, I’m not denigrating diversity. But I will be drinking heavily, grilling gleefully, and fornicating under a gun-powdered scented sky. Here’s to a healthy holiday full of American excess. Another beet from the grill? Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, dairy, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, holidays, RECIPES, summer, vegetarian | Tagged: 4th of july, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, bbq, bbq beets recipe, beets, calivirgin, delicious, DIY, easy, fireworks, food, game changer, get laid, glenn beck, goat cheese, gourmet, grill, grilled beets recipe, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, olive oil, patriotism, recipe, red white and beets recipe, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, star spangled banner, summer, tasty, tea partying, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients (serves 2)
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 