October 9, 2009

My dear friends Andy and Leah, collectively known as LEANDY, wrote this song for me as a birthday present. Flattered doesn’t quite cover how awesome it was to have a jam composed for and about me. Naturally, a music video with big bootied hos dancing with spatulas is sure to follow. They did all this on an iPhone using the T-Pain Autotune app. Smooth jams at your fingertips. If my voice didn’t cause even deaf people to beg me to stop, I might compose a song dedicated to my hand blender that gives more pleasure than a plutonium-powered dildo. Anyhow, without further tomfoolery, take a listen:



This is for all you hungry lovers out there
Looking to have a gourmet affair
@&*$!^ will show you what you need
To have her down on her knees

It’s a little thing he likes to call Cook to Bang
Giving you sexy new ways to entertain
His recipes drive the ladies insane
And you may have to clean up a stain

If you wanna get her in the sack
And make her lips smack
All you have to do is pull out your spice rack
And whip her up a tasty snack

You too can be the boom king
You’ll make her taste buds sing
They’ll say foo de fa fa
As they show you their fritatas

You can Cook to Bang
Aww Yeah
Everybody Cook to Bang
Even You

It’s the latest sensation
Cook to Bang is sweeping the nation
Take a sip of his libation lubrication
Get ready for a culinary home invasion

He’s a lecherous leprechaun
Trying to help you get your groove on
So don’t be afraid of your stove and oven
They’ll help you get some good good lovin

So slip on your apron and put on your mits
And go grab your pots and pans
And give her something to put in her mouth
It’ll make you feel like a man

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July 10, 2009
You can't argue with sound arithmetic!

You can't argue with sound arithmetic!

I’m often asked, “What is the Cook To Bang soundtrack?” Chances are good that you will be listening to music while you cook, eat and bang.  So how do you create a sound scape that will move you towards your goal of banging?  This is subjective. What some consider a great tune, others would prefer to hear the death rattle of their own child.  It speaks volumes for our over-privileged and self-indulgent culture that we have the luxury to debate it ad nausea.  Entire social cliques are built around musical tastes.  Beatniks, hippies, punks, hip hoppers, grunge rockers, ravers, hipsters and whatever comes next all have a soundtrack to their lives.

My own conundrum is that the hottest women listen to the worst music.  Ever been to a trendy club with the beautiful people?  I’m picky about my music and Top 40 makes me nauseous. Sometimes I just swallow my pride and pretend to enjoy it for the sake of my libido. But that cheesy soundtrack can follow onto your date.  Shelve your obscure and cacophonous grooves unless your date shares your love for Tuvian throat singers. Try to find a happy medium that doesn’t inspire you to administer a self-lobotomy.

The clever Cook To Bang chef has music prepped before their date arrives. Technology leaves you with no excuse for prepping the perfect seduction mix.  You don’t want to fumble around in the midst of macking to find that one song by that one band on that one album.  Don’t find yourself sucking face while listening to a sexy Massive Attack track when suddenly a Spanish-language lesson kills the moment.  Right as you were about to boldly go where some have gone before, you hear, “Hola! Soy Juan.  Donde esta el banque?”  Funny? Yes.  Sexy? No. Sexy music is in the ear of the beholder.

Below is a list of songs that have led to my most succulent success stories.  These are the sexiest songs I know that create a vibe you can exploit. Some of you will dismiss my suggestions and pure poppycock.  What do I know besides how to COOK TO BANG?

•    Air – “Highschool Lover”
•    The Beastie Boys – “Hey Ladies”
•    Beck – “Debra”
•    Belle & Sebastian – “Stars of Track & Field”
•    Boards of Canada – “Olson”
•    Blur – “Jets”
•    The Brian Jonestown Massacre – “Anenome”
•    Manu Chao – “King of the Bongo”
•    The Chemical Brothers – “Get Yourself High”
•    Cornelius – “Tone Twilight Zone”
•    Depeche Mode – “Enjoy the Silence”
•    Diggable Planets – “Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)
•    Electric 6 (w/ Jack White) – “Danger! High Voltage”
•    Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong – “La Vie En Rose”
•    Fatboy Slim – “The Weekend Starts Here”
•    Fischerspooner – “Emerge”
•    The Good, The Bad & The Queen – “History Song”
•    Groove Armada – “At the River”
•    Chris Isaak – “Wicked Game”
•    Jane’s Addiction – “Summertime Rolls”
•    Kid Koala – “Drunk Trumpet”
•    Kraftwerk – “Autobahn”
•    Kruder & Dorfmeister – “Original Bedroom Rockers”
•    LCD Soundsytem – “Disco Infiltrator”
•    Peggy Lee – “Fever”
•    Morcheeba “Moog Island”
•    Mos Def – “Ms. Fat Booty”
•    Portishead – “Only You”
•    Prince – “Darling Nikki”
•    Radiohead – “Nude”
•    RJD2 – “Smoke & Mirrors”
•    Nina Simone – “My Baby Just Cares For Me”
•    Tosca – “Worksong”
•    Tricky – “Hell Is Round the Corner”
•    Ulrich Schnauss – “Knuddelmaus”
•    The Velvet Underground – “Pale Blue Eyes”
•    The White Stripes – “You’ve Got Her In Your Pocket”
•    Zero 7 – “In the Waiting Line”

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