December 21, 2015
Put down the crackberry.  Try the Chipotle Blackberry.
Put down the crackberry. Try the Chipotle Blackberry.

So now you’re down to the wire now.  You blew all your cash on gifts for the family and forgot about that certain someone who’s been keeping your bed warm at night. Whoops! Soon you will be going your separate ways giving each of you time to think and reflect.  This could be a very bad thing if you leave on a inconsiderate cheapskate note.  Giving them nothing likely will result in not getting some for a while if not ever.  Considering the holiday rush at the stores for anything worth a damn, why not skip all that noise?  Save time and money by getting DIY with some jarring, player.  HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE offers an aphrodisiac double threat with the chipotle chili kick and blackberry antioxidant money shot.  It’s spicy, it’s sweet, it’s versatile.  Spread it on a sandwich, marinate meat and fish and grill, turn it into a sexy salad dressing with some vinegar.  Hand all your special someones a jar to remember you by, with luck a part of you will be in their mouth even months later (if you pressure seal the jars).  Let jarring begin!

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October 9, 2009

My dear friends Andy and Leah, collectively known as LEANDY, wrote this song for me as a birthday present. Flattered doesn’t quite cover how awesome it was to have a jam composed for and about me. Naturally, a music video with big bootied hos dancing with spatulas is sure to follow. They did all this on an iPhone using the T-Pain Autotune app. Smooth jams at your fingertips. If my voice didn’t cause even deaf people to beg me to stop, I might compose a song dedicated to my hand blender that gives more pleasure than a plutonium-powered dildo. Anyhow, without further tomfoolery, take a listen:



This is for all you hungry lovers out there
Looking to have a gourmet affair
@&*$!^ will show you what you need
To have her down on her knees

It’s a little thing he likes to call Cook to Bang
Giving you sexy new ways to entertain
His recipes drive the ladies insane
And you may have to clean up a stain

If you wanna get her in the sack
And make her lips smack
All you have to do is pull out your spice rack
And whip her up a tasty snack

You too can be the boom king
You’ll make her taste buds sing
They’ll say foo de fa fa
As they show you their fritatas

You can Cook to Bang
Aww Yeah
Everybody Cook to Bang
Even You

It’s the latest sensation
Cook to Bang is sweeping the nation
Take a sip of his libation lubrication
Get ready for a culinary home invasion

He’s a lecherous leprechaun
Trying to help you get your groove on
So don’t be afraid of your stove and oven
They’ll help you get some good good lovin

So slip on your apron and put on your mits
And go grab your pots and pans
And give her something to put in her mouth
It’ll make you feel like a man

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