April 13, 2016
The tower of power!
Behold the fabled tower! It is said to control our ids. When it tells us to sacrifice a Chia Pet in its honor, we do it with a grateful smile. With clay and foliage scattered on the floor, dance over it with your arms stretched out to the glowing orange mash. Listen to it coo to you, “It’s okay. Go for it! Embrace the unknown. Give into your desires.” Perhaps you’re bewildered by the fact that a side dish is talking to you. Don’t over-think it. Believe what the creamy, dreamy yams tell you. They have your best interest at heart. And I’m not just saying this because I’m the high priest of the sweet potato sex cult. Kool-Aid, anyone?
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 1 lb sweet potatoes
2. 2 dashes salt
3. 2 dashes black pepper
4. 1 dash paprika
5. 1/8 butter
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful Parmesan
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Throw in the sweet potatoes and roast until they become soft to the squeeze (approx 45min). Split them down the middle and scoop out the contents.
Step 2
Combine the sweet potatoes with the butter, salt, black pepper, paprika, green onions and Parmesan. Mash it all up with a fork and serve up on a plate to compliment a meaty ENTRÉE.
1 Comment | 
carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, banging, bewildered, black pepper, butter, carbohydrate, carbs, chia pet, coo, creamy, delicious, DIY, dreamy, easy, fable, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, grateful, green onion, guarantee, high priest, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, kool-aid, libido, mash, mashed sweet potatoes recipe, naked, paprika, parmesan dairy, recipe, roast, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sex cult, side dish, sweet potato, tasty, tower, tower of sweet tater temptation recipe, yams, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
April 8, 2016
On the drunk ship lollywhore, We took a trip to the liquor store.
Never trust a ginger. Red heads are duplicitous and allies of Satan. Their freckles and hair color are unnatural so therefore should be feared. The same rules apply for drinks. Drinks should be clear, dark red or brown. But that scary cherry red from grenadine is the stuff of nightmares, or childhood innocence. That’s why I ordered a Shirley Temple at the bar. I wasn’t planning to get hammered or molested by a crazy redhead. She just managed to get me to drink 6 Shirley Temples before I realized there was enough vodka in them to kill a rhino. Before I could scream for help, the girl with the red ringlets in her hair had me in her apartment dressed me up in a sailor suit. I thought it was some nightmare caused by snacking too close to bedtime. But that was before I saw the YouTube clip of us singing a duet of “The Good Ship Lollypop”. For the record, I did not have sexual relations with that candy. But I did with the ginger hussy. The Slutty Temple made me do it!.
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $6 (excluding vodka)
Eating Buddy: OMG PB&J !, LET’S BANG S’MORE, WHO DA MAC & CHEESE?, TUNA MELT INTO THE SHEETS.
Ingredients (per drink):
1. 1 splash of grenadine
2. 1 part vodka
3. 2 parts 7-Up
4. 1 handful of ice
5. 1 wedge of lime
Step 1
First put ice in a glass and then pour the vodka and 7-Up in. Add a splash of grenadine so the drink gets red, squeeze a lime wedge and drop it the glass. Stir it all up and serve you innocent, you.
Leave a Comment » | fusion, libation lubrication, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: 7-up, alcohol, Alcoholic Shirley temple recipe, bang, beverage, booze, childhood, cocktail, delicious, DIY, drink, drunk, easy, game changer, get laid, good ship lollypop, gourmet, grenadine, guarantee, homemade, ice, intercourse, kitchen, lime, naked, recipe, refreshing, seduce, seduced, sex, Shirley temple, slutty temple, tasty, vodka, wet, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 6, 2016
Tease me, please me, mac & cheese me!
When it comes to potlucks, stealing the show with something unexpected always boosts your game. You will be forever remembered for that one dish that your friends fought over the priviledge to lick the plate. High five and fist bumps all around for you. At least that’s how I roll. Considering my pseudo-profession is a digital chef, it is expected of me. That doesn’t I, nor you, shouldn’t take advantage of said skills. Take this mac & cheese I brought to my buddy’s potluck over the weekend. He assured me single girls, and attached girls on the verge of bailing would be there. So I had to show up with something that would sneak in under their radar and smack them across the face with pleasure. A childhood classic schmi’ed up with awesome stole the thunder of even the $50 slab of Atlantic salmon, which for the record was excellent (twas my RECIPE afterall). Cheek kisses and phone numbers were exchanged and no leftovers in sight.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: All depends on it’s culinary wingman
Ingredients (Serves 20):
1. 1 quart milk
2. 1/3 cup flour
3. Salt to taste
4. Black pepper to taste
5. 1 lb dry large elbow macaroni
6. 4 tbsp breadcrumbs
7. æ lb shredded jack cheese
8. 3 OZ shredded cheddar cheese
9. 1 stick butter
10. 1 bunch green onions chopped coarsely
11. 3 dried New Mexico CHILIES
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Throw the macaroni in boiling water, cook al dente, drain, and throw back in large stockpot (approx 8 min).
Step 2
While macaroni boils, start the sauce: melt the butter on med-low heat (approx 2 min). Chop the chilies into tiny pieces and throw into the butter. Salt and pepper as needed and thoroughly stir in the flour (approx 1 min). Throw in the green onions and cheese, and cook until it all melts.
Step 3
Dump the cheese sauce into the pasta and mix together like the superstar you are. Fill a baking dish or disposable tinfoil dish (as pictured), dumps in the milk, scatter the cheddar, and crown it all with breadcrumbs. Throw it dish in the oven and bake until the milk absorbs into the pasta, the cheddar melts and the breadcrumbs brown into a crust.
Serve with your favorite potluck goodies. Might I suggest FREAKY FRIED CORN-FLAKY CHICKEN and LECHEROUS LEMON BARS.
4 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, dairy, RECIPES, southern, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bake, bang, banging, black pepper, breadcrumbs, butter, cheddar cheese, crowd pleaser, dairy, delicious, digital chef, DIY, easy, fattening, flour, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gourmet mac & cheese, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, large elbow, libido, mac & cheese, macaroni, macaroni and cheese, milk, naked, new Mexico chilies, plate licking, potluck, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spicy, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 2, 2016
Naked Nacho Naughtiness needs no non-naked nonsense.
Because, why not? We exhaust ourselves being seriously serious and fully clothed. Get naughty for a change. Is there really anything wrong with eating nachos naked in bed? Sure it’s messy and totally awesome, but oh so primal and did I mention easy enough for a lab monkey to make? Mr. Nutter the chimp threw this together and invited all the lady lab apes to his cage for some monkey business. So be bold and invite your date over for naked nachos. They will just think you mean sans meat or dairy. Let them. Answer the door wearing nothing but the nachos in your hand.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $11
Drinking Buddy: Beer
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ bag of tortilla chips
2. 1 tablespoon of sour cream
3. 2 jalapeños diced in rounds
4. 2 tablespoons of SIMPLY SEXY SALSA
5. 2 tablespoons of GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE
6. ½ can of black beans
7. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
8. 1 chicken breast grilled or baked (vegetarian exclude)
9. 2 large handfuls of shredded jack cheese
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Pull apart the chicken into shreds. Lay a thin bed of chips on large oven safe plate. Scoop in 2 spoonfuls of black beans, throw a handful of chicken, jalapeños, green onion, and a heaping handful of jack cheese. Repeat the process with another smaller batch of chips and fillings until you have yourself a tower.
Step 2
Throw the nachos in the oven and bake until the cheese melts into the goodness below (approx 15 min). Create condom-ment mini mountains of SALSA, GUACAMOLE and sour cream. Now the two of you, get naked and climb that mountain!
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES | Tagged: ape, bake, bang, basketball, black beans, chicken nachos recipe, chimp, college, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guacamole, guapo gringo guacamole, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, jalapeños, kitchen, lab monkey, march madness, monkey business, mountain, nacho recipes, naked, Naked nacho naughtiness recipe, ncaa, nude, recipe, salsa, seduce, sex, shredded chicken, simply sexy salsa, sour cream, tasty, tortilla chips, tower, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 30, 2016
You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!
Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party? Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red? Bruschetta to the rescue! It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing. Did I mention how simple it is to prepare? You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing. Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet. Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point. Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants. Abra-bang-dabra!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings. Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
Step 2
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
Step 3
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice. Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Artichoke bruschetta recipe, artichoke hearts, balsamic vinegar, bang, basil, bruschetta recipe, cheese, cracked pepper, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, finger food, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, italian, kitchen, libido, light fare, Mediterranean, Mediterranean diet, naked, olive oil, parmesan, party, recipe, red onion, refreshing, salt, seduce, sex, simple, snack, tasty, tomato, vegan, vegetarian, veggies, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 28, 2016
You gotta lick it before you zucchini stick it!
I’m not trying to be crass. It’s just an open invitation for your tongue. Do what you gotta, but the door is always open. This is for your benefit after all. Much like Christmas or Hanukkah, I get way more pleasure giving than receiving. I assure you this arrangement will be mutually beneficial and your tongue will likely be writing me a thank you note or, at the very least, a Facebook poke. When your tongue is done licking, you’ll be good to go for any number of sporting events or tailgating parties. Then you’ll be the one whose stick all the cool kids want to lick. Monday football never tasted so naughty!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. ¼ cup breadcrumbs
3. Ranch dressing to dip
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash garlic salt
6. 2 dashes dry BASIL flakes
7. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
8. 1 zucchini
9. 2 eggs
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/230°C. Cut the ends off the zucchini and then cut into bite-sized sticks.
Step 2
Create the breading by combining the breadcrumbs, black pepper, garlic salt, basil and cayenne pepper. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs.
Step 3
Grease a pan with olive oil. Dip each zucchini stick in eggs and then roll in the breading. Place each stick in the pan, leaving room between them. Throw them in the oven and bake until the breading browns (approx 7-10 min).
Serve this lower-fat FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY up with the ranch and score a touchdown.
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, spicy, sports, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, baked zucchini sticks, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, breadcrumbs, calivirgin, cayenne pepper, Christmas, cool kids, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, facebook, finger food, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, Hanukah, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lick, lick my zucchini stick recipe, Monday night football, naked, olive oil, poke, ranch dressing, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, squash, tailgating, tasty, tongue, yummy, zucchini, zucchini sticks recipe | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 25, 2016
Who’s up for a fling with some chicken wings?
These chicken wings were made in a rush for a party watching the NBA Finals. It is the only time even non-basketball geeks hop aboard the fan-wagon. That was certainly the case with my buddy’s girlfriend and her sorority sisters. Uninformed, screaming girls and high stakes sports don’t mix. But one of them had a cute smile that screamed “bad girl on board”. So I ignored the game and made sure she tried my latest and greatest recipe. The spicy, APHRODISIAC triple-threat in the wings did the trick. We both blew off the party to have our own NBA: National Banging Association. I just found out who won the game because I have been her sexual captive.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp of HONEY
2. 1 tbsp of Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
3. 1 tbsp of brown sugar
4. 4 green onions chopped coarsely
5. 1 lb of defrosted chicken wings
6. ½ a lemon
7. 1 handful of chopped BASIL
Step 1
Marinate the chicken in the lemon, cilantro, green onions, brown sugar, honey and Sriracha sauce. Mix it together and allow it to marinate in the fridge (at least 15mins).
Step 2
Cook the wings in a large deep pan on medium-high heat. Cover the chicken and cook until meat browns (approx 15 min). Flip the chicken, recover and cook until all the sauce cooks into the meat (approx 10 min).
Serve up the wings up solo or with your favorite condom-ment.
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, asian, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, poultry, RECIPES, spicy, thai | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, bad girl on board, bang, banging, bar food, basketball, California, chicken wing fling recipe, college basketballetball, delicious, DIY, easy, fan-wagon, finger food, Florida, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, Lakers, libido, los angeles, Magic, march madness, naked, national banging association, National Basketball Association, NBA, NBA Finals, Orlando, poultry, recipe, seduce, sex, sexual captive, sorority, spicy, spicy chicken wing recipe, sports, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 23, 2016
A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.
I ain’t too proud to admit I’ve porked some sows in my day. Who of you can claim you never once compromising your standards in the pursuit of ass? That lone ranger stoically standing all alone on the hill can pat his/herself on the back. The rest of you know what I’m talking about. Like I said, these are not my proudest moments. But I believe in living life free of regret. So what if my friends taunted me mercilessly? There are photos floating somewhere out there of me in college dressed like Hugh Hefner sucking face with what was described to me as “an oompa loompa in a cheerleader costume”. It was Halloween, damnit! Jack Daniels was the bastard responsible. Thank goodness there are compromises like this pizza. It packs a wallop of flavor from the prosciutto and figs, but minimal carbs. Now you can have your pig, eat it too, and not be embarrassed to admit it your friends.
Total time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, sucka!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 lavash flatbread
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 1 slice prosciutto
4. 4 long slices Brie cheese
5. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
Step 1
Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Rub olive oil into the flatbread and scatter the green onion, figs, prosciutto, and Brie slices.
Step 2
Bake the pizza in the oven until the edges brown (approx 10 min). Remove from the oven and cut into 6-8 slices.
Serve up as FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY or as a warm up to some stunning ENTRÉE.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, healthy, Mediterranean, Middle Eastern, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, bake, baked, bang, banging, brie, calivirgin, cheerleader, college, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, Fig brie prosciutto flatbread pizza recipe, figgy piggy pizza, figs, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, flatbread pizza, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, hugh hefner, intercourse, jack daniels, kitchen, lavash flatbread, libido, lone ranger, low-carb, naked, olive oil, oompa loompa, pizza, pork, prosciutto, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sow, starter, tapas, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 21, 2016
Your D-cups fill out nicely!
This dish is stacked! I mean the cups are full and voluptuous. Ain’t no flat-chested FINGER FOOD here. No need for implants to help these fill out. The chicken breasts are supple and pouting, not to mention double-D-licious! I have enjoyed this dish many times in the company of dates at fine Chinese restaurant and not so fine ones that rhyme with PF WANGS. But only when I made it at home did I realize how simple, tasty, and awesome this dish can be. Blow you date away with some familiar, but so much better since you made it with your own two hands. Take a hold of those lettuce D-Cups, caress, fondle and then let your mouth get to work.
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Beer or CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (for 2):
1. Plum or hoisin sauce (at your discretion)
2. 1 tbsp soy sauce
3. 1 tbsp vegetable oil
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 small lettuce head
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 3 mushrooms sliced thinly
8. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
10. 1 handful chopped peanuts
Step 1
Mince the chicken finely with your sharpest knife. Marinate it in the soy sauce and oyster sauce (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, green onions and mushrooms with vegetable oil until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in the chicken and the nuts and cook through (approx 4 min).
Step 3
Fill up the lettuce cups with the goods. Add a teaspoon or so of the plum or hoisin sauce to each cup and then add a healthy scoop of the minced chicken filling.
Serve them up on a platter to share with the spirit of camaraderie and banging on your mind.
4 Comments | asian, atkins, Chinese, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, healthy, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: appetizer, asian, awesome, bang, banging, boobs, breasts, chicken breasts, chicken lettuce cups recipe, Chinese, d-cups, delicious, DIY, double d’s, easy, fill, finger food, flat-chested, food, foreplay, fusion, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, hoisin sauce, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lettuce, libido, mince, mushrooms, naked, nuts, oyster sauce, peanuts, pf changs, plum sauce, recipe, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, tasty, tatas, tits, vegetable oil, voluptuous, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 18, 2016
Layer upon layer of resistance-slayers.
This recipe goes out to all the March madness maniacs. According to my research, a girl from I was banging, 7 Layer Dip is the ultimate sports-viewing treat. Forgive me if I was misinformed. Rather than curse my inaccuracies with mob justice your time would be better served recreating this dish and serve it up to your football-viewing posse. People who like variety are well sorted with this All-American concoction. The 7 Layer Dip is sort of like a chameleon lover who will become whatever you want them to be. Whether you want white, black, Latin, Asian, or a magical mix, you will get your fill. Talk about a menagerie of flavor! Make this dip, bring it to the party, and go home with some impressed hottie for the win!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Beer, beer, and more beer!
Ingredients (Serves a whole party):
1. 1 bag tortilla chips
2. 1 can refried bean
3. 1 small container sour cream
4. SIMPLY SEXY SALSA
5. GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE
6. 2 handfuls jack cheese
7. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
8. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 1 handful black olives diced
Step 1
Warm up the refried beans on medium-low heat, mixing in the tomatoes (approx 5 min). Evenly pour the beans into your serving bowl.
Step 2
Pour in the contents of these evenly in this order: salsa, green onions, half the jack cheese, sour cream, guacamole, olives, and the remaining cheese.
Place the chips artfully around the edge of the dip right before serving. Hear those cheers? They aren’t for the latest sack. It’s for your sexy ass!
Leave a Comment » | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, mexican, RECIPES, sports, Super bowl, vegetarian | Tagged: 7 layer dip recipe, 7 layers of awesome dip, all-american, bang, banging, black olives, chameleon, college basketball, colts, delicious, dip, DIY, easy, food, football, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guacamole, guarantee, homemade, Indiana, Indianapolis, intercourse, jack cheese, jocks, kitchen, libido, march madness, menagerie, naked, nfl, recipe, refried beans, salsa, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sour cream, sports, superbowl, superbowl recipes, tasty, tomatoes, tortilla chips, touchdown, usa, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 