SEXUAL PRACTICE CACTUS SALSA

Dont be a prick-ly pear.

All earthly creatures do it in their own way. Giraffes do it standing up, their long necks intertwined. Male spider monkeys will grab their female partner mid-air, hump them, and release before they even hit the ground. Humans have all kinds of mating rituals from courting over food, to bringing in toys to “bring the spark back”, to discussing the relationship ad nausea post-coital. And within the human genus, we have countless subsets of this behavior. We are an odd species to be sure. Aliens who enslave us two decades from now will be hard-pressed to figure out how to get us to toil away on the Vectarion reactors. I’ll make it simple for them: give us food and let us bang. We’ll take it from there, Remulox.

Total time: Approximately 1 hour (mostly fridge time)
Projected cost: $12
Drinking buddy: Depends on what you serve it with, BANGARITAS are nice

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 2 dashes sea salt
2. 1/2 lime
3. 2 JALEPEñOS
4. 1 cactus pad (nopales)
5. 1 handful cilantro chopped coarsely
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 2 garlic cloves

Step 1
Cut the stems off the jalapeños, cut out the seeds and veins, and chop coarsely. Shave off the cactus barbs and chop coarsely.

Step 2
Bring a small pot of water to a boil. Throw in the garlic, jalapeños, and cactus and blanche (approx 5-10 min).

Step 3
Remove the blanched veggies from the water and throw into a food processor or blender. Combine with green onions, cilantro, limejuice, and sea salt. Blend it all up, throw into a bowl, and refrigerate (approx 1 hr).

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