ARTICHOKE PARTY POKE BRUSCHETTA

March 30, 2016
You wanna bang?  Artichokey Dokey!

You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!

Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party?  Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red?  Bruschetta to the rescue!  It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing.  Did I mention how simple it is to prepare?  You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing.  Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet.  Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point.  Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants.  Abra-bang-dabra!

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

bruschetta prepIngredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings.  Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
bruschetta bread
Step 2
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
bruschetta spread
Step 3
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice.  Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
bruschetta drop sprinklebruschetta drop served

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FIGGY PIGGY PIZZA

March 23, 2016
A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.

A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.

I ain’t too proud to admit I’ve porked some sows in my day.  Who of you can claim you never once compromising your standards in the pursuit of ass?  That lone ranger stoically standing all alone on the hill can pat his/herself on the back.  The rest of you know what I’m talking about.  Like I said, these are not my proudest moments.  But I believe in living life free of regret. So what if my friends taunted me mercilessly? There are photos floating somewhere out there of me in college dressed like Hugh Hefner sucking face with what was described to me as “an oompa loompa in a cheerleader costume”.  It was Halloween, damnit!  Jack Daniels was the bastard responsible.  Thank goodness there are compromises like this pizza.  It packs a wallop of flavor from the prosciutto and figs, but minimal carbs.  Now you can have your pig, eat it too, and not be embarrassed to admit it your friends.

fig brie prosciutto pizza prepTotal time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, sucka!

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 lavash flatbread
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 1 slice prosciutto
4. 4 long slices Brie cheese
5. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely

Step 1
Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Rub olive oil into the flatbread and scatter the green onion, figs, prosciutto, and Brie slices.

fig brie prosciutto pizza assemble

Step 2
Bake the pizza in the oven until the edges brown (approx 10 min).  Remove from the oven and cut into 6-8 slices.

fig brie prosciutto pizza bake

Serve up as FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY or as a warm up to some stunning ENTRÉE.

fig brie prosciutto pizza served 2

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CHICKEN LETTUCE D-CUPS

March 21, 2016
Your D-cups fill out nicely!

Your D-cups fill out nicely!

This dish is stacked!  I mean the cups are full and voluptuous.  Ain’t no flat-chested FINGER FOOD here. No need for implants to help these fill out. The chicken breasts are supple and pouting, not to mention double-D-licious!  I have enjoyed this dish many times in the company of dates at fine Chinese restaurant and not so fine ones that rhyme with PF WANGS.  But only when I made it at home did I realize how simple, tasty, and awesome this dish can be.  Blow you date away with some familiar, but so much better since you made it with your own two hands.  Take a hold of those lettuce D-Cups, caress, fondle and then let your mouth get to work.

chicken lettuce d-cups prepTotal time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Beer or CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (for 2):
1. Plum or hoisin sauce (at your discretion)
2. 1 tbsp soy sauce
3. 1 tbsp vegetable oil
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 small lettuce head
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 3 mushrooms sliced thinly
8. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
10. 1 handful chopped peanuts

Step 1
Mince the chicken finely with your sharpest knife.  Marinate it in the soy sauce and oyster sauce (approx 15 min).
chicken lettuce d-cups marinate
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, green onions and mushrooms with vegetable oil until they soften (approx 3 min).  Throw in the chicken and the nuts and cook through (approx 4 min).
chicken lettuce d-cups saute
Step 3
Fill up the lettuce cups with the goods.  Add a teaspoon or so of the plum or hoisin sauce to each cup and then add a healthy scoop of the minced chicken filling.
chicken lettuce d-cups fill
Serve them up on a platter to share with the spirit of camaraderie and banging on your mind.
chicken lettuce d-cups served

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LICK HER POTSTICKER SOUP

March 16, 2016
Lick lick lick its so sick sick sick (as in good)!

Lick lick lick its so sick sick sick (as in good)!

Apply your whole tongue.  Don’t be shy now.  You want to start from the base and work that saliva up and down and all around the nub. You’re doing something right when there’s twitching and squirming.  How else are you supposed to suck every bit of flavor our of a pot sticker soup? I’m all ears if you have a better idea.  For now, we’ll just have to settle for overzealous tongue action that renders your company slaphappy and craving a cigarette even when they don’t smoke. This Thai inspired soup guide your taste organ to its happy ending.

random thai soup prepTotal time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Thai beer

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can Tom Yum Soup*
2. ½ can coconut milk*
3.1 handful green onions chopped
4. 1 handful cilantro chopped
5. 2 handfuls of frozen gyoza/pot-stickers*
6. 1 wedge lime (not pictured)

*available at Asian markets

Step 1
Boil the pot-stickers in the Tom Yum soup until they soften (approx 5 min).  Use a spatula to break them up in bite-sized pieces.random thai soup boil

Step 2
Pour in the coconut milk along with the green onions, cilantro and limejuice and simmer, stirring occasionally (approx 3 min).
random thai soup coconut herbs lime
Serve soup up in bowls with solo or a kick ass ENTRÉE.
random thai soup served 2

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PESTO BANGO CHICKEN SINWICH

March 11, 2016
Abra Bang-dabra!

Abra Bang-dabra!

POOF!  Hear that?  It’s the sound of a bra disappearing.  Straight into thin air.  Never seen anything like it.  There was this art chick I invited home for food after a gallery party comparing my sandwich to Green Eggs and Ham.  But then the avant-garde skeptic stopped making deranged metaphors and took a big green bite…POOOF!  Her entire top vanished by the time she finished the first half of the sandwich.  The second half was powerful enough to finish the job on her, and then make my pantaloons implode in a supernova. The curse of unnecessary clothing that baffled nerdy scientists for centuries has now been eradicated with the enchanted aphrodisiac PESTO (basil, pine nuts).

MAGIC 1 – SCIENCE 0
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COBB & BALLS SALAD

March 9, 2016
Bob Cobb would be proud...or he might be rolling in his grave.

Bob Cobb would be proud…or he might be rolling in his grave.

You can’t argue with a classic.  The Cobb Salad is a staple of any lunch spot.  But who says it can’t kick start a date into hyper drive?  It certainly passes the health stress test with the fiber, protein and low-fat content.  You almost forget how nourishing it is because each bite tastes like a magical mystery tour in your mouth.  The crunch of the lettuce, creaminess of the bleu cheese, aphrodisiac avocado explosion, & meaty monkey business in the chicken and bacon all lead you to one conclusion: God-fucking-damn!

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $13
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

cobb-n-balls-salad-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. ½ head of romaine lettuce
2. 1 teaspoon of olive oil
3. 2 teaspoons of red wine vinegar
4. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
5. 1 teaspoon of Dijon mustard
6. 1 handful + 1 teaspoon of bleu cheese crumbled
7. 3 strips of cooked bacon
8. 1 cooked chicken breast, grilled or baked
9. 1 AVOCADO diced into bite-sized pieces
10. 1 hard-boiled egg
11. 1 tomato diced

Step 1
Mix up the dressing by combining the Dijon mustard, ed wine vinegar, olive oil, black pepper and 1 teaspoon of blue cheese.  Set aside.
cobb-n-balls-salad-dress
Step 2
Wash the romaine, cut off the stock, then cut bite-size pieces of lettuce, and line the bottom of a salad bowl.  Throw the chopped tomato on top.  Slice the egg thinly and spread them out evenly.  Chop up the bacon into bits and spread it out too.  Chop the chicken breast into bite-sized pieces and scatter those on top.  Do the same with a handful of blue cheese and crown it all with avocado.
cobb-n-balls-salad-toss2
Step 3
Serve up the plates of salad, tonging up a plateful as is.  DO NOT TOSS!  You want the layers of Cobb glory to shine like a Tiffany diamond.  Scoop in your desired amount of dressing and let the good times roll.
cobb-n-balls-salad-plate-dressingcobb-n-balls-salad-prep-2

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NEVER FAIL KALE BREAKFAST

February 26, 2016
Epic fail?  Hardly!

Epic fail? Hardly!

There are few sure things in this world.  You can count on the sun rising, taxman finding you and herpes to come back with a vengeance.  But most promises of satisfaction guaranteed have so many disclaimers that it’s impossible to get your money back.  Even banging isn’t always guaranteed to wow when you sleep with a prude without the interest or skills to get your rocks off. My advice is to move on quickly from these cold fish in search of the flippier floppier variety.  One rare exception to the litany of disappointments is this healthy, tasty, morning-wood inducing dish.  You got your greens, protein and carbs working together to make you the sex machine of the hour.  If you do fail to inspire sexy time with this, you might just be a libido-less zombie.  You might want to get that checked out.

boiled kale breakfast prepTotal time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes of black pepper
2. 2 dashes of salt
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 slices of bread
5. ¼ AVOCADO sliced thinly
6. 4 handfuls of fresh kale

Step 1
Remove the stems from the kale and chop coarsely.  Throw in boiling water, cook until the kale turns bright green and softens (approx 5 min).
boiled kale breakfast chop boil
Step 2
Toast the bread and poach the eggs while the kale boils.
boiled kale breakfast toast poach
Step 3
Place boiled kale evenly between the two slices of bread.  Throw the poached egg on top and crown them with slices of avocado.  Add a dash of salt and pepper and voila!
boiled kale breakfast assemble
Serve up this healthy breakfast to your date in bed, before you get back to the business of banging.

boiled kale breakfast served 2

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