SLUTTY TEMPLE

April 8, 2016
On the drunk ship lollywhore, We took a trip to the liquor store.

On the drunk ship lollywhore, We took a trip to the liquor store.

Never trust a ginger.  Red heads are duplicitous and allies of Satan.  Their freckles and hair color are unnatural so therefore should be feared.  The same rules apply for drinks.  Drinks should be clear, dark red or brown.  But that scary cherry red from grenadine is the stuff of nightmares, or childhood innocence.  That’s why I ordered a Shirley Temple at the bar.  I wasn’t planning to get hammered or molested by a crazy redhead.  She just managed to get me to drink 6 Shirley Temples before I realized there was enough vodka in them to kill a rhino.  Before I could scream for help, the girl with the red ringlets in her hair had me in her apartment dressed me up in a sailor suit.  I thought it was some nightmare caused by snacking too close to bedtime.  But that was before I saw the YouTube clip of us singing a duet of “The Good Ship Lollypop”.  For the record, I did not have sexual relations with that candy.  But I did with the ginger hussy.  The Slutty Temple made me do it!.

slutty-temple-prepTotal time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $6 (excluding vodka)
Eating Buddy: OMG PB&J !, LET’S BANG S’MORE, WHO DA MAC & CHEESE?, TUNA MELT INTO THE SHEETS.

Ingredients (per drink):
1. 1 splash of grenadine
2. 1 part vodka
3.  2 parts 7-Up
4. 1 handful of ice
5. 1 wedge of lime

Step 1
First put ice in a glass and then pour the vodka and 7-Up in.  Add a splash of grenadine so the drink gets red, squeeze a lime wedge and drop it the glass.  Stir it all up and serve you innocent, you.

slutty-temple-mix

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MAC & PLEASE ME

April 6, 2016

Tease me, please me, mac & cheese me!

When it comes to potlucks, stealing the show with something unexpected always boosts your game. You will be forever remembered for that one dish that your friends fought over the priviledge to lick the plate. High five and fist bumps all around for you. At least that’s how I roll. Considering my pseudo-profession is a digital chef, it is expected of me. That doesn’t I, nor you, shouldn’t take advantage of said skills. Take this mac & cheese I brought to my buddy’s potluck over the weekend. He assured me single girls, and attached girls on the verge of bailing would be there. So I had to show up with something that would sneak in under their radar and smack them across the face with pleasure. A childhood classic schmi’ed up with awesome stole the thunder of even the $50 slab of Atlantic salmon, which for the record was excellent (twas my RECIPE afterall). Cheek kisses and phone numbers were exchanged and no leftovers in sight.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: All depends on it’s culinary wingman

Ingredients (Serves 20):
1. 1 quart milk
2. 1/3 cup flour
3. Salt to taste
4. Black pepper to taste
5. 1 lb dry large elbow macaroni
6. 4 tbsp breadcrumbs
7. æ lb shredded jack cheese
8. 3 OZ shredded cheddar cheese
9. 1 stick butter
10. 1 bunch green onions chopped coarsely
11. 3 dried New Mexico CHILIES

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Throw the macaroni in boiling water, cook al dente, drain, and throw back in large stockpot (approx 8 min).

Step 2
While macaroni boils, start the sauce: melt the butter on med-low heat (approx 2 min). Chop the chilies into tiny pieces and throw into the butter. Salt and pepper as needed and thoroughly stir in the flour (approx 1 min). Throw in the green onions and cheese, and cook until it all melts.

Step 3
Dump the cheese sauce into the pasta and mix together like the superstar you are. Fill a baking dish or disposable tinfoil dish (as pictured), dumps in the milk, scatter the cheddar, and crown it all with breadcrumbs. Throw it dish in the oven and bake until the milk absorbs into the pasta, the cheddar melts and the breadcrumbs brown into a crust.

Serve with your favorite potluck goodies. Might I suggest FREAKY FRIED CORN-FLAKY CHICKEN and LECHEROUS LEMON BARS.

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POTATO SKIN FLUTES♫♪

April 4, 2016
Lead your enchanted hordes with the glorious tune of your Potato Skin Flute.

Lead your enchanted hordes with the glorious tune of your Potato Skin Flute.

The flute is an enchanting instrument that when played right can control the minds of the captivated audience.  Pan rocked his pipes and outplayed Mt. Olympus’s residents. The Pied Piper inspired people to follow him like sheep, dancing like fools through meadows and forests.  Even Saint Patrick the heartthrob priest used a wind instrument to drive the snakes out of Ireland.  You too can enjoy such greatness if you embrace and master your own flute (or your man’s).  Play that flute beautifully with precision and attention to detail and they will follow you anywhere you want to go.  Just imagine the possibilities once you have someone under your flute’s spell and yearning for your next note.  Audiences can be fickle so keep them fed so the flute party keeps going.  Savory Potato Skin Flutes will do the trick.  Cheeky, cheap and cheesy!  You’ll be back playing the final crescendo in no time. ♪

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a MO MOJO MOJITO

tater-skins-prepIngredients (for two):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. ½ teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. Sour cream for dipping
6. ½ cup of shredded jack (or cheddar) cheese
7. 1/3 cup of shredded Parmesan
8. 1 JALAPEÑO chopped into thin round slices
9. 3 potatoes
10. 2 coarsely chopped green onions (optional, not pictured)

Step 1

Preheat the oven to 475 degrees F.  Create the potato skin glaze by mixing the olive oil, paprika, salt, pepper, and Parmesan in a bowl.

tater-skins-glaze

Step 2

Wash the potatoes thoroughly, and then cut them in half and scoop out the centers with a spoon, leaving the skins in tact.  Place the 6 potato skins in a greased baking pan, apply the glaze evenly over all and toss them in the oven to bake (approx 7 minutes).  Pull the pan out of the oven and flip the skins over and bake until they brown (approx 7 minutes).  Flip the skins back over and throw in the jalapeños (and green onions if you wish) and cover them with cheese. Toss the skins back in the oven until the cheese melts (approx 2 minutes).  Serve those bad boys up on a plate with sour cream and if you are feeling bold, GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE.

tater-skins-halve-scoop-brush-bake-stuff

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ARTICHOKE PARTY POKE BRUSCHETTA

March 30, 2016
You wanna bang?  Artichokey Dokey!

You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!

Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party?  Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red?  Bruschetta to the rescue!  It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing.  Did I mention how simple it is to prepare?  You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing.  Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet.  Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point.  Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants.  Abra-bang-dabra!

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

bruschetta prepIngredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings.  Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
bruschetta bread
Step 2
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
bruschetta spread
Step 3
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice.  Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
bruschetta drop sprinklebruschetta drop served

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LICK MY ZUCCHINI STICK

March 28, 2016
zucchini sticks served

You gotta lick it before you zucchini stick it!

I’m not trying to be crass.  It’s just an open invitation for your tongue.  Do what you gotta, but the door is always open.  This is for your benefit after all. Much like Christmas or Hanukkah, I get way more pleasure giving than receiving.  I assure you this arrangement will be mutually beneficial and your tongue will likely be writing me a thank you note or, at the very least, a Facebook poke.  When your tongue is done licking, you’ll be good to go for any number of sporting events or tailgating parties. Then you’ll be the one whose stick all the cool kids want to lick. Monday football never tasted so naughty!

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or BANGARITA

zucchini sticks prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. ¼ cup breadcrumbs
3. Ranch dressing to dip
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash garlic salt
6. 2 dashes dry BASIL flakes
7. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
8. 1 zucchini
9. 2 eggs

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/230°C.  Cut the ends off the zucchini and then cut into bite-sized sticks.
zucchini sticks chop
Step 2
Create the breading by combining the breadcrumbs, black pepper, garlic salt, basil and cayenne pepper.  In a separate bowl, beat the eggs.
zucchini sticks breading
Step 3
Grease a pan with olive oil.  Dip each zucchini stick in eggs and then roll in the breading.  Place each stick in the pan, leaving room between them.  Throw them in the oven and bake until the breading browns (approx 7-10 min).
zucchini sticks dip bake
Serve this lower-fat FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY up with the ranch and score a touchdown.

zucchini sticks served 2

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OH GOD, DON’T STOP! JALAPEÑO POPPERS

March 27, 2016
Once you popper, you can’t stop her

Once you popper, you can’t stop her

Most North American sports bar patrons have consumed twice their weight in deep fried jalapeños poppers. Sure they are goddamn satisfying as the cheese stains your shirt, your team scores, and you toast with your third beer. Jalapeño poppers just aren’t sexy fried, period. Don’t even think about getting kinky with an order of twelve poppers with ranch on the side.  But when you got ‘em baking, you can start shaking.  Suddenly the crowd-pleasing appetizer is both edible and credible. The poppers are perfectly portable treat for tailgating, potlucks and the occasional swingers party.  But if you want to CTB, serve your basketball fuck-buddy finger food.  You are sure to score a touch down.

Total time: approximately 15 minutes

Projected cost: $4

Drinking Buddy: Beer, this is bar food

jalepeno-poppers-prepIngredients:

1. 1/3 cup of flour

2. 1/3 cup of bread crumbs

3. 1 tablespoon of honey

4. 2 tablespoons of milk

5. ½ teaspoon of paprika

6. 3 ounces of cream cheese

7. 2 handfuls of shredded jack/mozzarella cheese

8. 1 egg

9. 5 jalapeños spilt lengthwise, stalks cut, seeds and veins removed

Step 1

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Mix the cheeses with the honey and paprika.  Spread enough of the cheese mixture to just fill the hollow jalapeños.

jalepeno-poppers-cheese

Step 2

Mix up the egg with the milk and paprika.  Separate the flour, egg mixture, and breadcrumbs in separate bowls.  Dip each cheesy jalapeño first in flour, then egg mixture, and finally breadcrumbs.  Set out on a foil covered baking pan.

jalepeno-poppers-dipped

Step 3**

Shove the baking pan full of prepped jalapeños in the oven.  Bake until the breading browns and the cheese begins to ooze out the side.  (Approx 30 min)  Now you’re good to serve it up on a platter with ranch or ketchup.  Who’s the player now?

jalepeno-poppers-baked

**This is the baking method. You could skip this step and deep fry it in oil. But frying isn’t sexy.  Trust me!

jalepeno-poppers-served-2

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7 LAYERS OF AWESOME DIP

March 18, 2016

Layer upon layer of resistance-slayers.

This recipe goes out to all the March madness maniacs. According to my research, a girl from I was banging, 7 Layer Dip is the ultimate sports-viewing treat. Forgive me if I was misinformed. Rather than curse my inaccuracies with mob justice your time would be better served recreating this dish and serve it up to your football-viewing posse. People who like variety are well sorted with this All-American concoction. The 7 Layer Dip is sort of like a chameleon lover who will become whatever you want them to be. Whether you want white, black, Latin, Asian, or a magical mix, you will get your fill. Talk about a menagerie of flavor! Make this dip, bring it to the party, and go home with some impressed hottie for the win!

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Beer, beer, and more beer!

Ingredients (Serves a whole party):
1. 1 bag tortilla chips
2. 1 can refried bean
3. 1 small container sour cream
4. SIMPLY SEXY SALSA
5. GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE
6. 2 handfuls jack cheese
7. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
8. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 1 handful black olives diced

Step 1
Warm up the refried beans on medium-low heat, mixing in the tomatoes (approx 5 min). Evenly pour the beans into your serving bowl.

Step 2
Pour in the contents of these evenly in this order: salsa, green onions, half the jack cheese, sour cream, guacamole, olives, and the remaining cheese.

Place the chips artfully around the edge of the dip right before serving. Hear those cheers? They aren’t for the latest sack. It’s for your sexy ass!

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