MAC & PLEASE ME

April 6, 2016

Tease me, please me, mac & cheese me!

When it comes to potlucks, stealing the show with something unexpected always boosts your game. You will be forever remembered for that one dish that your friends fought over the priviledge to lick the plate. High five and fist bumps all around for you. At least that’s how I roll. Considering my pseudo-profession is a digital chef, it is expected of me. That doesn’t I, nor you, shouldn’t take advantage of said skills. Take this mac & cheese I brought to my buddy’s potluck over the weekend. He assured me single girls, and attached girls on the verge of bailing would be there. So I had to show up with something that would sneak in under their radar and smack them across the face with pleasure. A childhood classic schmi’ed up with awesome stole the thunder of even the $50 slab of Atlantic salmon, which for the record was excellent (twas my RECIPE afterall). Cheek kisses and phone numbers were exchanged and no leftovers in sight.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: All depends on it’s culinary wingman

Ingredients (Serves 20):
1. 1 quart milk
2. 1/3 cup flour
3. Salt to taste
4. Black pepper to taste
5. 1 lb dry large elbow macaroni
6. 4 tbsp breadcrumbs
7. æ lb shredded jack cheese
8. 3 OZ shredded cheddar cheese
9. 1 stick butter
10. 1 bunch green onions chopped coarsely
11. 3 dried New Mexico CHILIES

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Throw the macaroni in boiling water, cook al dente, drain, and throw back in large stockpot (approx 8 min).

Step 2
While macaroni boils, start the sauce: melt the butter on med-low heat (approx 2 min). Chop the chilies into tiny pieces and throw into the butter. Salt and pepper as needed and thoroughly stir in the flour (approx 1 min). Throw in the green onions and cheese, and cook until it all melts.

Step 3
Dump the cheese sauce into the pasta and mix together like the superstar you are. Fill a baking dish or disposable tinfoil dish (as pictured), dumps in the milk, scatter the cheddar, and crown it all with breadcrumbs. Throw it dish in the oven and bake until the milk absorbs into the pasta, the cheddar melts and the breadcrumbs brown into a crust.

Serve with your favorite potluck goodies. Might I suggest FREAKY FRIED CORN-FLAKY CHICKEN and LECHEROUS LEMON BARS.

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ARTICHOKE PARTY POKE BRUSCHETTA

March 30, 2016
You wanna bang?  Artichokey Dokey!

You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!

Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party?  Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red?  Bruschetta to the rescue!  It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing.  Did I mention how simple it is to prepare?  You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing.  Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet.  Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point.  Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants.  Abra-bang-dabra!

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

bruschetta prepIngredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings.  Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
bruschetta bread
Step 2
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
bruschetta spread
Step 3
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice.  Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
bruschetta drop sprinklebruschetta drop served

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LICK MY ZUCCHINI STICK

March 28, 2016
zucchini sticks served

You gotta lick it before you zucchini stick it!

I’m not trying to be crass.  It’s just an open invitation for your tongue.  Do what you gotta, but the door is always open.  This is for your benefit after all. Much like Christmas or Hanukkah, I get way more pleasure giving than receiving.  I assure you this arrangement will be mutually beneficial and your tongue will likely be writing me a thank you note or, at the very least, a Facebook poke.  When your tongue is done licking, you’ll be good to go for any number of sporting events or tailgating parties. Then you’ll be the one whose stick all the cool kids want to lick. Monday football never tasted so naughty!

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or BANGARITA

zucchini sticks prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. ¼ cup breadcrumbs
3. Ranch dressing to dip
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash garlic salt
6. 2 dashes dry BASIL flakes
7. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
8. 1 zucchini
9. 2 eggs

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/230°C.  Cut the ends off the zucchini and then cut into bite-sized sticks.
zucchini sticks chop
Step 2
Create the breading by combining the breadcrumbs, black pepper, garlic salt, basil and cayenne pepper.  In a separate bowl, beat the eggs.
zucchini sticks breading
Step 3
Grease a pan with olive oil.  Dip each zucchini stick in eggs and then roll in the breading.  Place each stick in the pan, leaving room between them.  Throw them in the oven and bake until the breading browns (approx 7-10 min).
zucchini sticks dip bake
Serve this lower-fat FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY up with the ranch and score a touchdown.

zucchini sticks served 2

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CHICKEN WING FLING

March 25, 2016
Who's up for a fling with some chicken wings?

Who’s up for a fling with some chicken wings?

These chicken wings were made in a rush for a party watching the NBA Finals. It is the only time even non-basketball geeks hop aboard the fan-wagon. That was certainly the case with my buddy’s girlfriend and her sorority sisters. Uninformed, screaming girls and high stakes sports don’t mix. But one of them had a cute smile that screamed “bad girl on board”. So I ignored the game and made sure she tried my latest and greatest recipe. The spicy, APHRODISIAC triple-threat in the wings did the trick. We both blew off the party to have our own NBA: National Banging Association. I just found out who won the game because I have been her sexual captive.

chicken wing fling prepTotal time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a BANGARITA

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp of HONEY
2. 1 tbsp of Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
3. 1 tbsp of brown sugar
4. 4 green onions chopped coarsely
5. 1 lb of defrosted chicken wings
6. ½ a lemon
7. 1 handful of chopped BASIL

Step 1
Marinate the chicken in the lemon, cilantro, green onions, brown sugar, honey and Sriracha sauce.  Mix it together and allow it to marinate in the fridge (at least 15mins).
chicken wing fling marinate
Step 2
Cook the wings in a large deep pan on medium-high heat.  Cover the chicken and cook until meat browns (approx 15 min).  Flip the chicken, recover and cook until all the sauce cooks into the meat (approx 10 min).
chicken wing fling cook
Serve up the wings up solo or with your favorite condom-ment.
chicken wing fling served 2

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FIGGY PIGGY PIZZA

March 23, 2016
A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.

A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.

I ain’t too proud to admit I’ve porked some sows in my day.  Who of you can claim you never once compromising your standards in the pursuit of ass?  That lone ranger stoically standing all alone on the hill can pat his/herself on the back.  The rest of you know what I’m talking about.  Like I said, these are not my proudest moments.  But I believe in living life free of regret. So what if my friends taunted me mercilessly? There are photos floating somewhere out there of me in college dressed like Hugh Hefner sucking face with what was described to me as “an oompa loompa in a cheerleader costume”.  It was Halloween, damnit!  Jack Daniels was the bastard responsible.  Thank goodness there are compromises like this pizza.  It packs a wallop of flavor from the prosciutto and figs, but minimal carbs.  Now you can have your pig, eat it too, and not be embarrassed to admit it your friends.

fig brie prosciutto pizza prepTotal time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, sucka!

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 lavash flatbread
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 1 slice prosciutto
4. 4 long slices Brie cheese
5. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely

Step 1
Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Rub olive oil into the flatbread and scatter the green onion, figs, prosciutto, and Brie slices.

fig brie prosciutto pizza assemble

Step 2
Bake the pizza in the oven until the edges brown (approx 10 min).  Remove from the oven and cut into 6-8 slices.

fig brie prosciutto pizza bake

Serve up as FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY or as a warm up to some stunning ENTRÉE.

fig brie prosciutto pizza served 2

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SENORITA LUPITA’S CACTUS FAJITAS

March 14, 2016
Serve senoritas bonitas fajitas

Serve senoritas bonitas fajitas

Cactus isn’t just an icon of the American Southwest.  It isn’t just a sharp nuisance that plagues the likes of Wile E. Coyote.  No, mi amigos.  Cactus is also the source of water when you are lost in the dessert.  It can be used as a weapon to protect yourself from Area 51 aliens or the worm creatures from Tremors.  But few recognize that it is damn tasty and mighty nutritious.  I learned this when I was visiting relatives in Santa Fe from a beautiful mixed Mexican/Native American girl named Lupita.  She thought I was funny and for some reason invited me to her mother’s adobe pueblo for lunch.  My gringo senses were shocked to see Lupita’s mama slicing up a cactus nopales she cut off massive peyote cactus in their front yard. It was love at first bite.  The taste of this imaginative style of fajitas got my mind and loins racing.  Sadly, Lupita is a good Catholic girl and did not fall for my charms. I instead plotted how to make this dish my own so I could employ it on my future Lupitas.  This dish rarely fails to impress and inspire my dates…to get naked.

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Cerveza and more cerveza!

cactus-fajitas-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cactus nopales
2. SALSA
3. 2 teaspoons of fajita seasoning
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
5. 1 onion chopped into long strips
6. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
7. 1 pound of chicken cut into bit sized strips
8. 1 handful of shredded jack cheese
9. ½ sliced avocado
10. 6 corn tortillas heated (not pictured)

Step 1
Sprinkle the chicken with 1 teaspoon of the fajita seasoning and allow the flavor to absorb (approx 5 minutes).  Stir fry the chicken in olive oil and cook through. Set aside.
cactus-fajitas-chicken
Step 2
Slice off the cactus spikes, skin and edges, then cut into strips.  Heat olive oil in a pan and stir-fry the onion until they soften (approx 2 minutes), then toss in the cactus and tomatoes, and sprinkle 1 teaspoon of fajitas seasoning.  Stir it around until the tomatoes dissolve and become a spicy sauce coating the onions and cactus (approx 4 minutes).  Set aide.
cactus-fajitas-veggies
Step 3
Create a fajita filling station that will give your date(s) an option of what to take.  This will allow vegetarians and vegans to assemble something unobjectionable.  With any luck, there will be plenty of objectionable activities to follow.
cactus-fajitas-assemblecactus-fajitas-served-2

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PESTO BANGO CHICKEN SINWICH

March 11, 2016
Abra Bang-dabra!

Abra Bang-dabra!

POOF!  Hear that?  It’s the sound of a bra disappearing.  Straight into thin air.  Never seen anything like it.  There was this art chick I invited home for food after a gallery party comparing my sandwich to Green Eggs and Ham.  But then the avant-garde skeptic stopped making deranged metaphors and took a big green bite…POOOF!  Her entire top vanished by the time she finished the first half of the sandwich.  The second half was powerful enough to finish the job on her, and then make my pantaloons implode in a supernova. The curse of unnecessary clothing that baffled nerdy scientists for centuries has now been eradicated with the enchanted aphrodisiac PESTO (basil, pine nuts).

MAGIC 1 – SCIENCE 0
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