April 6, 2016
Tease me, please me, mac & cheese me!
When it comes to potlucks, stealing the show with something unexpected always boosts your game. You will be forever remembered for that one dish that your friends fought over the priviledge to lick the plate. High five and fist bumps all around for you. At least that’s how I roll. Considering my pseudo-profession is a digital chef, it is expected of me. That doesn’t I, nor you, shouldn’t take advantage of said skills. Take this mac & cheese I brought to my buddy’s potluck over the weekend. He assured me single girls, and attached girls on the verge of bailing would be there. So I had to show up with something that would sneak in under their radar and smack them across the face with pleasure. A childhood classic schmi’ed up with awesome stole the thunder of even the $50 slab of Atlantic salmon, which for the record was excellent (twas my RECIPE afterall). Cheek kisses and phone numbers were exchanged and no leftovers in sight.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: All depends on it’s culinary wingman
Ingredients (Serves 20):
1. 1 quart milk
2. 1/3 cup flour
3. Salt to taste
4. Black pepper to taste
5. 1 lb dry large elbow macaroni
6. 4 tbsp breadcrumbs
7. æ lb shredded jack cheese
8. 3 OZ shredded cheddar cheese
9. 1 stick butter
10. 1 bunch green onions chopped coarsely
11. 3 dried New Mexico CHILIES
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Throw the macaroni in boiling water, cook al dente, drain, and throw back in large stockpot (approx 8 min).
Step 2
While macaroni boils, start the sauce: melt the butter on med-low heat (approx 2 min). Chop the chilies into tiny pieces and throw into the butter. Salt and pepper as needed and thoroughly stir in the flour (approx 1 min). Throw in the green onions and cheese, and cook until it all melts.
Step 3
Dump the cheese sauce into the pasta and mix together like the superstar you are. Fill a baking dish or disposable tinfoil dish (as pictured), dumps in the milk, scatter the cheddar, and crown it all with breadcrumbs. Throw it dish in the oven and bake until the milk absorbs into the pasta, the cheddar melts and the breadcrumbs brown into a crust.
Serve with your favorite potluck goodies. Might I suggest FREAKY FRIED CORN-FLAKY CHICKEN and LECHEROUS LEMON BARS.
4 Comments | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, dairy, RECIPES, southern, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bake, bang, banging, black pepper, breadcrumbs, butter, cheddar cheese, crowd pleaser, dairy, delicious, digital chef, DIY, easy, fattening, flour, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gourmet mac & cheese, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, large elbow, libido, mac & cheese, macaroni, macaroni and cheese, milk, naked, new Mexico chilies, plate licking, potluck, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spicy, tasty, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
April 4, 2016
Lead your enchanted hordes with the glorious tune of your Potato Skin Flute.
The flute is an enchanting instrument that when played right can control the minds of the captivated audience. Pan rocked his pipes and outplayed Mt. Olympus’s residents. The Pied Piper inspired people to follow him like sheep, dancing like fools through meadows and forests. Even Saint Patrick the heartthrob priest used a wind instrument to drive the snakes out of Ireland. You too can enjoy such greatness if you embrace and master your own flute (or your man’s). Play that flute beautifully with precision and attention to detail and they will follow you anywhere you want to go. Just imagine the possibilities once you have someone under your flute’s spell and yearning for your next note. Audiences can be fickle so keep them fed so the flute party keeps going. Savory Potato Skin Flutes will do the trick. Cheeky, cheap and cheesy! You’ll be back playing the final crescendo in no time. ♪
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a MO MOJO MOJITO
Ingredients (for two):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. ½ teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. Sour cream for dipping
6. ½ cup of shredded jack (or cheddar) cheese
7. 1/3 cup of shredded Parmesan
8. 1 JALAPEÑO chopped into thin round slices
9. 3 potatoes
10. 2 coarsely chopped green onions (optional, not pictured)
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 475 degrees F. Create the potato skin glaze by mixing the olive oil, paprika, salt, pepper, and Parmesan in a bowl.
Step 2
Wash the potatoes thoroughly, and then cut them in half and scoop out the centers with a spoon, leaving the skins in tact. Place the 6 potato skins in a greased baking pan, apply the glaze evenly over all and toss them in the oven to bake (approx 7 minutes). Pull the pan out of the oven and flip the skins over and bake until they brown (approx 7 minutes). Flip the skins back over and throw in the jalapeños (and green onions if you wish) and cover them with cheese. Toss the skins back in the oven until the cheese melts (approx 2 minutes). Serve those bad boys up on a plate with sour cream and if you are feeling bold, GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE.
Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, spicy, sports, Super bowl, vegetarian | Tagged: appetizer, baked potato, bang, bar food, baseball, basketball, cheddar cheese, delicious, DIY, drunken, easy, fattening, finger food, football, game, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jack cheese, jalapeño, kitchen, naked, olive oil, paprika, parmesan, pepper, Potato skins recipe, potatoes, recipe, salt, sex, simple, sour cream, sports, sports bar, Super bowl, tailgate, tailgating, tapas, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 30, 2016
You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!
Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party? Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red? Bruschetta to the rescue! It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing. Did I mention how simple it is to prepare? You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing. Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet. Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point. Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants. Abra-bang-dabra!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings. Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
Step 2
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
Step 3
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice. Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Artichoke bruschetta recipe, artichoke hearts, balsamic vinegar, bang, basil, bruschetta recipe, cheese, cracked pepper, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, finger food, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, italian, kitchen, libido, light fare, Mediterranean, Mediterranean diet, naked, olive oil, parmesan, party, recipe, red onion, refreshing, salt, seduce, sex, simple, snack, tasty, tomato, vegan, vegetarian, veggies, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 28, 2016
You gotta lick it before you zucchini stick it!
I’m not trying to be crass. It’s just an open invitation for your tongue. Do what you gotta, but the door is always open. This is for your benefit after all. Much like Christmas or Hanukkah, I get way more pleasure giving than receiving. I assure you this arrangement will be mutually beneficial and your tongue will likely be writing me a thank you note or, at the very least, a Facebook poke. When your tongue is done licking, you’ll be good to go for any number of sporting events or tailgating parties. Then you’ll be the one whose stick all the cool kids want to lick. Monday football never tasted so naughty!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. ¼ cup breadcrumbs
3. Ranch dressing to dip
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash garlic salt
6. 2 dashes dry BASIL flakes
7. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
8. 1 zucchini
9. 2 eggs
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/230°C. Cut the ends off the zucchini and then cut into bite-sized sticks.
Step 2
Create the breading by combining the breadcrumbs, black pepper, garlic salt, basil and cayenne pepper. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs.
Step 3
Grease a pan with olive oil. Dip each zucchini stick in eggs and then roll in the breading. Place each stick in the pan, leaving room between them. Throw them in the oven and bake until the breading browns (approx 7-10 min).
Serve this lower-fat FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY up with the ranch and score a touchdown.
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, spicy, sports, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, baked zucchini sticks, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, breadcrumbs, calivirgin, cayenne pepper, Christmas, cool kids, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, facebook, finger food, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, Hanukah, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lick, lick my zucchini stick recipe, Monday night football, naked, olive oil, poke, ranch dressing, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, squash, tailgating, tasty, tongue, yummy, zucchini, zucchini sticks recipe | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 23, 2016
A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.
I ain’t too proud to admit I’ve porked some sows in my day. Who of you can claim you never once compromising your standards in the pursuit of ass? That lone ranger stoically standing all alone on the hill can pat his/herself on the back. The rest of you know what I’m talking about. Like I said, these are not my proudest moments. But I believe in living life free of regret. So what if my friends taunted me mercilessly? There are photos floating somewhere out there of me in college dressed like Hugh Hefner sucking face with what was described to me as “an oompa loompa in a cheerleader costume”. It was Halloween, damnit! Jack Daniels was the bastard responsible. Thank goodness there are compromises like this pizza. It packs a wallop of flavor from the prosciutto and figs, but minimal carbs. Now you can have your pig, eat it too, and not be embarrassed to admit it your friends.
Total time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, sucka!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 lavash flatbread
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 1 slice prosciutto
4. 4 long slices Brie cheese
5. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
Step 1
Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Rub olive oil into the flatbread and scatter the green onion, figs, prosciutto, and Brie slices.
Step 2
Bake the pizza in the oven until the edges brown (approx 10 min). Remove from the oven and cut into 6-8 slices.
Serve up as FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY or as a warm up to some stunning ENTRÉE.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, healthy, Mediterranean, Middle Eastern, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, bake, baked, bang, banging, brie, calivirgin, cheerleader, college, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, Fig brie prosciutto flatbread pizza recipe, figgy piggy pizza, figs, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, flatbread pizza, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, hugh hefner, intercourse, jack daniels, kitchen, lavash flatbread, libido, lone ranger, low-carb, naked, olive oil, oompa loompa, pizza, pork, prosciutto, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sow, starter, tapas, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 11, 2016
Abra Bang-dabra!
POOF! Hear that? It’s the sound of a bra disappearing. Straight into thin air. Never seen anything like it. There was this art chick I invited home for food after a gallery party comparing my sandwich to Green Eggs and Ham. But then the avant-garde skeptic stopped making deranged metaphors and took a big green bite…POOOF! Her entire top vanished by the time she finished the first half of the sandwich. The second half was powerful enough to finish the job on her, and then make my pantaloons implode in a supernova. The curse of unnecessary clothing that baffled nerdy scientists for centuries has now been eradicated with the enchanted aphrodisiac PESTO (basil, pine nuts).
MAGIC 1 – SCIENCE 0
Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: art, avant garde, avocado, bang, basil, bread, chicken, chicken sandwich, condiments, condom-ments, delicious, DIY, dr Seuss, easy, gallery, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green, green eggs and ham, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, mayonnaise, naked, no clothes, olive oil, pesto, Pesto chicken sandwich recipe, pine nuts, poof, recipe, rolls, seduce, sex, supernova, tasty, tomato, vanish, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 9, 2016
Bob Cobb would be proud…or he might be rolling in his grave.
You can’t argue with a classic. The Cobb Salad is a staple of any lunch spot. But who says it can’t kick start a date into hyper drive? It certainly passes the health stress test with the fiber, protein and low-fat content. You almost forget how nourishing it is because each bite tastes like a magical mystery tour in your mouth. The crunch of the lettuce, creaminess of the bleu cheese, aphrodisiac avocado explosion, & meaty monkey business in the chicken and bacon all lead you to one conclusion: God-fucking-damn!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $13
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ head of romaine lettuce
2. 1 teaspoon of olive oil
3. 2 teaspoons of red wine vinegar
4. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
5. 1 teaspoon of Dijon mustard
6. 1 handful + 1 teaspoon of bleu cheese crumbled
7. 3 strips of cooked bacon
8. 1 cooked chicken breast, grilled or baked
9. 1 AVOCADO diced into bite-sized pieces
10. 1 hard-boiled egg
11. 1 tomato diced
Step 1
Mix up the dressing by combining the Dijon mustard, ed wine vinegar, olive oil, black pepper and 1 teaspoon of blue cheese. Set aside.
Step 2
Wash the romaine, cut off the stock, then cut bite-size pieces of lettuce, and line the bottom of a salad bowl. Throw the chopped tomato on top. Slice the egg thinly and spread them out evenly. Chop up the bacon into bits and spread it out too. Chop the chicken breast into bite-sized pieces and scatter those on top. Do the same with a handful of blue cheese and crown it all with avocado.
Step 3
Serve up the plates of salad, tonging up a plateful as is. DO NOT TOSS! You want the layers of Cobb glory to shine like a Tiffany diamond. Scoop in your desired amount of dressing and let the good times roll.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, black pepper, bleu cheese, chicken breast, cobb and balls, Cobb salad recipe, cock and balls, creamy, crunchy, delicious, dijon mustard, DIY, dressing, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, greens, guarantee, hardboiled egg, healthy, heart healthy, homemade, hyper drive, intercourse, kitchen, lunch, magical mystery tour, meaty, monkey business, naked, nourishing, olive oil, recipe, red wine vinegar, romaine lettuce, salad, seduce, sex, tasty, tomato, toss your salad, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 4, 2016
2 Hot Dumb Blondies read the sign DISNEYLAND LEFT so they went home.
My apologies to any of my fair-headed readers who take offense to this post. I don’t assume all blondes are morons with difficulty pushing open doors that are clearly marked PULL. Just the majority I meet. On the flip side, these golden-haired vixens and vicks enjoy a demi-gods status. Their behavior is excused because of their hair follicle pigment. To each his own. Just I have indulged in every flavor in the rainbow from ginger to Mohawk, I have tasted a few blondies in my day. There’s a certain comfort indulging in a lighter fare that lacks the punch of a brownie, but makes up for it with the ooey gooey. What makes these blondies especially fun is that they lure in the blondes like cheese on a mousetrap. Dish them out like drug dealers passing out samples at the playground. Soon you’ll have a sea of hot dumb blondes eager for a Hot Dumb Blondie fix.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a BANANA RAM-YA MILKSHAKE
Ingredients:
1. 2 cups flour
2. 2 cups brown sugar
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 tsp vanilla extract
5. ½ tsp salt
6. 1 baking powder
7. 2 tbsp HONEY
8. 1½ cups crushed walnuts
9. 4 sticks/2cups unsalted butter
10. 1 handful fresh mint leaves
Step 1
Preheat oven to350°F/175°C. Sift together the flour, baking powder and salt.
Step 2
Melt the butter down and mix in the brown sugar, vanilla extract, honey, mint leaves and eggs. Combine this mixture with the sifted flour mixtures. Add the walnuts and whisk it all together.
Step 3
Line the baking pan with foil. Pour in the blondie batter and bake in the oven until the batter firms (approx 25-30 min). Allow it to cool, and then pull the foil away from the pan and spread it flat. Slice up the blondies, as you will.
Serve a la mode, on the go, or lure in potential dates with these tasty bites.
4 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bake, baking powder, bang, banging, blondie recipe, brown sugar, brownie, butter, crushed walnuts, delicious, DIY, drug dealer, easy, eggs, fair-headed, fix, flour, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, golden-haired, gourmet, guarantee, hair follicle, homemade, honey, hot dumb blondies, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mint, Mohawk, naked, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, vanilla extract, vixens, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 26, 2016
Epic fail? Hardly!
There are few sure things in this world. You can count on the sun rising, taxman finding you and herpes to come back with a vengeance. But most promises of satisfaction guaranteed have so many disclaimers that it’s impossible to get your money back. Even banging isn’t always guaranteed to wow when you sleep with a prude without the interest or skills to get your rocks off. My advice is to move on quickly from these cold fish in search of the flippier floppier variety. One rare exception to the litany of disappointments is this healthy, tasty, morning-wood inducing dish. You got your greens, protein and carbs working together to make you the sex machine of the hour. If you do fail to inspire sexy time with this, you might just be a libido-less zombie. You might want to get that checked out.
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes of black pepper
2. 2 dashes of salt
3. 2 eggs
4. 2 slices of bread
5. ¼ AVOCADO sliced thinly
6. 4 handfuls of fresh kale
Step 1
Remove the stems from the kale and chop coarsely. Throw in boiling water, cook until the kale turns bright green and softens (approx 5 min).
Step 2
Toast the bread and poach the eggs while the kale boils.
Step 3
Place boiled kale evenly between the two slices of bread. Throw the poached egg on top and crown them with slices of avocado. Add a dash of salt and pepper and voila!
Serve up this healthy breakfast to your date in bed, before you get back to the business of banging.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, black pepper, boil, boiled kale breakfast recipe, bread, breakfast, carbs, dawn, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, fiber, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green, guarantee, guaranteed, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kale, kitchen, libido, morning, morning sex, MORNING WOOD, naked, never fail boiled kale breakfast recipe, poach, protein, prude, recipe, roughage, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sure thing, tasty, toast, yummy, zombie | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 24, 2016
Serve this dish up like the sexy Chippendale you are!
Nothing screams out sex appeal for the ladies like a buff dude in a bowtie with a fake collar and cuffs. That’s the Chippendale way. Keeping it classy but lust inspiring at the same time. Make the married ladies scream. Give them something to fantasize about while their husbands bang them with brief, disinterested strokes. Win win. That’s what this stupidly simple dish is about. Tap into the unbridled lust that only bowtie-wearing dancers can inspire. I hope you have your dance revue choreographed. Remember…step forward, step back, spin around, clap and THRUST! Just don’t spill the kick ass contents on the plate while making those moves.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 6 ounces of dried bowtie pasta
2. 1 8-ounce can of tomato sauce
3. 1 can of TUNA
4. ½ cup of milk
5. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
6. ½ an onion diced finely
7. 2 garlic cloves diced finely
Step 1
Boil the pasta al dente (follow instructions, approx 12 min) and drain. While the pasta boils move onto Step 2. When pasta is done, toss it into the sauce and mix.
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil on medium heat. Sauté the garlic and onions (approx 3 min), adding salt if you so desire. Drain the tuna cans and toss in the pan and cook (approx 2 min) into it. Pour in the tomato sauce cook until it all goes red (approx 2 min). Finally pour in the milk and reduce by simmering on low heat as the sauce pinkens.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, italian, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, bowtie pasta, carbohydrates, carbs, Chippendale, Chippendale tuna past recipe, dancers, delicious, DIY, easy, fish, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lust, male dancers, married ladies, milk, naked, olive oil, onion, pink sauce, recipe, seafood, seduce, sex, tasty, thrust, tomato sauce, tuna fish pink sauce with pasta, tuna pasta sauce, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 