WRAP & STUFF THAT SAUSAGE

March 8, 2010

This post brought to you unofficially by Planned Parenthood. "Got condoms? You god damn right!"

CTB is all about promoting responsibility in our depravity. Sure we cook and bang with reckless abandon, but never at the cost our health or our playthings’. I don’t mean this to sound like an after school special PSA with a crack addicted pregnant teenager fighting for the final spot on the cheerleading squad. But you should wrap that shit up before spelunking. That way you can bang from here to eternity. It’d be a damn shame to cut your CTB career so short. So how about getting some practice with this phallic dish? It’s win win: guys will become more mindful of the need to practice safe sex. Ladies will have a fine visual aid that can lead their minds to the dirty place. Now start wrapping before you start stuffing.

Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: KINKY PINKY LADY

Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 9 large intact spinach leaves
3. 1 tbsp HONEY
4. 3 sausages (piggie or poultry)
5. 1 handful shredded mozzarella
6. 1/2 mango

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C.  Peel away the mango skin and cut long thin slices. Split the sausage, leaving one side intact. Stuff the sausage with mango, mozzarella, and honey. Cut the stems away from the spinach and wrap the sausages, pinning the leaves with toothpicks.

Step 2
Drizzle a small baking pan with oil, rubbing it all in. Lay out the wrapped sausages evenly and throw in the oven. Bake until the spinach because crispy and the mozzarella melts (approx 25 min). Remove the toothpicks before serving.

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BEET YO-GURT-LE OFF SALAD

November 11, 2009
beet yo-gurt-le served

Beet it because they need it!

Girdles are the absolute worst!  I find clothing abhorrent. If nudist colonies weren’t of the fugly side of life, I might join them.  So I settle with having a no-clothes policy in my house.  My friends thinks it’s a little weird, but my late night companions don’t seem to spend an evening playing Nintendo Wii tennis naked.  You ain’t seen nothing until you spy with your little eye naughty bits flying around hitting a video backhand.  But clothes are a mandated part of polite society so I settle for accessorizing.  One accessory I cannot abide by is the girdle.  Do we really need more obstacles to get through?  At least the bra and panty line of defense is a pleasure to view at while sneaking behind enemy lines.  Luckily this salad is healthy and with repeat meals could reduce the reason for the same fuglies at the nudist colony to ever wear a girdle when they begrudgingly go to work dressed.  Chock the flavor and cool red staining effect from the beets foreplay.

beet yo-gurt-le prepTotal time: approximately 1 hour
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: SLUTTY TEMPLE, red and slutty is the theme

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 4 tbsp Greek yogurt
2. 1 dash salt
3. 3 2 large BEETS with stocks and leaves
4. Lemon juice to taste

Step 1
First chop away the stocks from the beets.  Wash the stocks/leaves thoroughly.  Chop away and seperate the stocks from the leaves, cutting them both smaller.
beet yo-gurt-le chop
Step 2
Submerge the beets and stocks in boiling water and cook until you can easily penetrate the beets with a fork (approx 30 min).  Drain the water and throw the beets and stock in ice water. Remove the boiled stocks and add them to the chopped beet leaves.  Once the beets are cool, you can easily remove the skin before you slice them into thin rounds.
beet yo-gurt-le boil
Step 3
Assemble your salad by laying a foundation of leaves/stocks, artfully place the beet rounds above, and smother the money shot of yogurt on top of each plate’s face. Squeeze a little lemon juice for some extra tang.
beet yo-gurt-le assemble
Serve this salad after a weekend of sexcess.
beet yo-gurt-le served 2

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WRAP YOUR PROSCIUTTO AROUND MY FIG

August 13, 2009
The big fig gets the smokiest meat

The big fig gets the smokiest meat

For the record, I am totally gay for figs.  They are one of history’s oldest fruits. Ever hear of the hanging gardens of Babylon?  Figs hung proudly there and flavored many ancient meals.  No doubt these edible APHRODISIACS were all over the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve just had to sample the far blander apple and ruin everything.  Not that there’s anything wrong with apples, knowledge or original sin.  Figs are just tastier, sexier and more likely to get you laid.  Sexy time is nearly certain once you wrap the figs up with Italian prosciutto and throw in some creamy Brie cheese.  Run, don’t walk to your nearest quality grocer and slice off a piece of the Garden of Eden.

proscuitto wrapped figs prepTotal time: approximately 5 minutes

Projected cost: $7

Drinking Buddy: Red Wine or a SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA

Ingredients (serves 2):

1. Brie cheese

2. 4 fresh FIGS

3. 4 prosciutto slices

Step 1

Quarter the figs and add small slices of Brie to each section.  Pull off long strips of proscuitto and wrap each fig/brie unit.  Serve up on a plate or laid across your naked body.proscuitto wrapped figs assemble

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PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD

December 1, 2008

Spicing up the bedroom is key to successful sexual relations.  You never want your partner to get bored with your maneuvers between the sheets.  They might end up blogging about your short-cummings or jump ship for Craigslist Casual Encounters.  Getting upstaged by cyber-players that live in their mother’s basements is never good for the self-esteem.  But don’t you dare give up on yourself just yet. Kick-start that faltering tryst with some flavors you already know and love.  Below are some delicious twists in foreplay to eat off your play pal:

Only the finest ingredients belong on your lover

Only the finest ingredients belong on your lover

FOODS THAT BELONG IN BED:
•    WHIPPED CREAM: A true bedroom classic.  Need we say more?
•    BERRIES: Fruity nipples you can eat artfully off your partner’s reclined body.
•    SASHIMI: Subtle flavor, protein-loaded and simulates another lickable treat.
•    CHOCOLATE: Melt over your favorite body parts and eat the aphrodisiac off.
•    ICE CUBES: Sugar-free hardened nipples.
•    POPSICLES: Cold, refreshing, phallic.
•    HONEY: Perfect for licking off the naughtier bits.
•    WATERMELON: Light, refreshing, organic Viagra substitute.

The tastier side of lust

The tastier side of lust

FOODS TO AVOID:
•    SANDWICHES: Breadcrumbs don’t belong between the sheets.
•    CLAM CHOWDER: Hot, white and creamy?  This ain’t no hardcore porno.
•    PIZZA: Hot melted cheese is tasty, but are 3rd degree burns worth it?
•    MAYONNAISE: Belongs on a sandwich, not your naughty bits.
•    SALAMI: Unless you’re making object porn, just hide your own salami.
•    CHILI PEPPERS: Like pouring battery acid down your shorts.
•    TACO SALAD: There is nothing less sexy than this culinary abomination.

Avoid foods with less sex appeal than an STD

Avoid foods with less sex appeal than an STD

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