February 14, 2016
Taste the love!
The day is upon us. Tis a day so loaded with sentiment and expectation that you can cut the anxiety with a knife. The romantically inclined celebrate V Day as if you combined the significance of Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah, Quanza, New Years and Groundhog Day. A single rose or the karats in a diamond become more important than the cures for cancer, the failing economy and erectile dysfunction. It CAN be a beautiful thing.
But I advise the players out there to turn off your phone, unplug your computer and, if necessary, fake your own death. Get off the grid for a few days. Let the Romantic Armageddon pass you by while you play Nintendo in your fallout shelter. Otherwise you are inviting a shit-storm by being disingenuous. What’s the point? The consequences will extend way past February and may involve a restraining order because your car brakes were cut. There are 364 other days to get laid without propping up your carnal connection as genuine lovemaking.
All cynicism aside, Valentines Day provides an amazing opportunity to COOK TO BANG. Sure you can go to some fancy restaurant. But why? You’ll drop your whole paycheck on the check for overpriced, crappy food and service. And that’s if you can even get a reservation. Keep it casual at your place and you are sure to have a great meal, plus round upon round of monkey sex. The extra effort you put into cooking something exceptional from scratch will demonstrate you truly do care, even if you don’t. With that in mind, below are some CTB favorites that will send the right message, whatever that message might be:
“SORRY I HAD A THREESOME WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND AND SISTER.”
So you messed up big time. Wipe the smirk off your face because now that you’ve gone to heaven, you have to crawl your way out of hell. It’s time to pull out the big guns and prove that you deserve a second, third or tenth chance:
FLAT ON YOUR BACK FLATBREAD PIZZA
PINCH YOUR ASS-BERRY BROWNIES
“IF IT WASN’T VALENTINES DAY I WOULD HAVE DUMPED YOU ALREADY.”
You meant to end things before Christmas, but you thought that seemed cruel. Then their cat died in January. So now it’s V Day and while their voice makes you want to go postal, you must bide your time before you say adieu. Go for the bare minimum, but try to avoid the inevitable nagging and save yourself a few bucks for when you become single:
LET’S BANG S’MORE
“YOU’RE JUST A BOOTIE CALL”
Same sentiment as above. This person falls into the category “If You Don’t Love Somebody, Love the One You’re With.” Bootie calls are a fragile relationship. They haven’t met your friends and family for good reason. Don’t give the impression they ever will. But at the same time, don’t ever let that on, even if it seems obvious since you have never called them before 11pm:
TOMATILLOS PARA MIS AMIGOS BENEFICIOS
KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES
“HAVE WE REALLY BEEN DATING FOR 4 YEARS?”
Yes, I’m afraid so. Clearly this relationship is an extended fling you both have just gotten used to. But that doesn’t mean you can just opt out of this most romantic of days. And since you are clearly just going through the motions, try this menu out. You might just eke out a little pleasure-free sport-fucking.
YES WE CAN-TALOUPE!
SUCK-ULENT SUSHI SINWICH
LECHEROUS LEMON BARS
“I KICKED EVERYONE ELSE TO THE CURB FOR YOU.”
So you are a reformed player now. You burned your black book, canceled your Internet dating account, and said goodbye to your stable of sexpots. The person you are with is just that much better than those other bimbos/mimbos. Show them how you feel with a menu that says “You’re worth not having great sex with a different person every night.”
TAP THAT ASS-PARAGUS SOUP
BEGGIN’ FOR BACON WRAPPED SCALLOPS
BALLS-ON-IT BALSAMIC STRAWBERRIES
“WE JUST STARTED DATING, BUT I REALLY REALLY DIG YOU!”
Head over heels, are we? Glad to hear it. It’s time to show them just how spectacular they are. Clearly this relationship is new and you don’t want to come on too strong. But you want to plant seeds that will blossom into two trees intertwined. So dazzle them without overwhelming them with a little culinary flare.
DON’T ARTICHOKE YOUR CHICKEN
MISO HORNY COD
DOUBLE DIP THE TIP IN CHOCOLATE
“WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
It’s time to pop the question. You’re thinking, “So what if proposing on Valentines Day is cliché?” Forget the haters, put your player days behind you, and get on your knees…after you serve up something special.
CAMBODIAN LOVE ROLLS
SMACK MY BISQUE UP
MACKA-DADDY-A CRUSTED AHI WITH PONZU ISRAELI COUSCOUS
STROKE MY BANANA FOSTER
1 Comment | RECIPES | Tagged: ahi, aphrodisiac, appetizer, asparagus soup, Balsamic strawberry recipe, Bananas Foster, bang, best friend, bisque, bootie call, brownie, cambodian, cantaloupe, chocolate, cod, cookies, delicious, dessert, dinner, drinks, easy, fish, friends with benefits, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, Lemon bar recipe, Miso cod recipe, naked, obama, Peanut butter chocolate cookies, pizza, Portobello mushroom, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, Shrimp mango bisque, simple, sister, smores, soup, Spaghetti bolognaise, spaghetti bolognese, spring rolls, Steamed artichoke recipe, supper, sushi, Sushi sandwich recipe, tasty, threesome, tomatillos, tuna, valentines day, wrapped cantaloupe recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 16, 2015
If you don’t like succulent food, you can suck it.
Can you slice a watermelon with a katana blade? Do you use nunchucks to pound out pizza dough? Can you catch a fly with chopsticks? Then you are a kitchen ninja. Clearly your rigorous training has paid off because your culinary concoctions are deadly delicious. You make the knuckleheads competing on Top Chef look like low-level samurai sous chefs. Now it’s time to drop a sake bomb in your home kitchen in the ultimate mission: sexual culinary conquest. There’s an unattainable geisha whose lotus flower has not been plucked in many rice harvests. It’s time to mix your Japanese fighting style with some Western flavor to make funky fusion food. Assemble your fiercest weapon: APHRODISIACS and make your sensei proud. Should you fail, you must perform hari-kari. Now go get ‘em, you nasty ninjas! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, french, fusion, Japanese, RECIPES, seafood, SINWICHES | Tagged: ahi, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, burger, delicious, easy, fusion, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, hamburger buns, intercourse, Japanese, kitchen, lime, mayonnaise, naked, recipe, romance, sandwich, seared ahi sandwich recipe, seared ahi tuna, SEDUCTION, sesame seeds, sex, sprouts, succulent, sushi, Sushi sandwich recipe, sushi-grade, tasty, tomato, tuna, tuna burger recipe, wasabi, wasabi mayonnaise recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 22, 2009
Oh boy, steamed bok choy!
In an effort to make up for my excess of blaspheming in yesterday’s post, please accept this most healthy atonement. I never run out of praise for the Japanese culture for the joy they bring to my life from ninjas to bukake. Above all other things, I worship their healthy, yet delicious food. To make things taste that good without turning you into a sumo wrestler takes millenniums of practice. I have bedded my share of geishas using their dishes. Most of my recipes are at least influenced by Japanese low-fat cooking methods. One could say I have a Japanese fetish. But if loving a culture that create sushi, ninjas and hentai porn is wrong, than I will join the majority of the male population in screaming: Thank you oh so very very much! Now heat up some water because it’s about to get steamy up in here!
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer, sake or Sake Bombs!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp soy sauce
2. 3 baby bok choy
3. ½ lemon
Steam the baby bok choy until the leaves wilt and become bright green (approx 25-30 min). Remove from the steam, squeeze lemon over them add the soy sauce. You now have one of the most sexy, simple side dishes ever conceived by man…or samurai!
Leave a Comment » | asian, healthy, Japanese, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: Asia, asian, atonement, baby bok choy, bang, banging, blaspheme, bukake, delicious, DIY, Don’t be coy book choy, easy, fetish, food, game changer, geisha, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hentai, homemade, intercourse, japan, Japanese, kitchen, lemon, libido, millenniums, naked, ninja, porn, recipe, sake bombs, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, steamed bok choy recipe, steamy, sumo wrestler, sushi, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 1, 2008
Spicing up the bedroom is key to successful sexual relations. You never want your partner to get bored with your maneuvers between the sheets. They might end up blogging about your short-cummings or jump ship for Craigslist Casual Encounters. Getting upstaged by cyber-players that live in their mother’s basements is never good for the self-esteem. But don’t you dare give up on yourself just yet. Kick-start that faltering tryst with some flavors you already know and love. Below are some delicious twists in foreplay to eat off your play pal:
Only the finest ingredients belong on your lover
FOODS THAT BELONG IN BED:
• WHIPPED CREAM: A true bedroom classic. Need we say more?
• BERRIES: Fruity nipples you can eat artfully off your partner’s reclined body.
• SASHIMI: Subtle flavor, protein-loaded and simulates another lickable treat.
• CHOCOLATE: Melt over your favorite body parts and eat the aphrodisiac off.
• ICE CUBES: Sugar-free hardened nipples.
• POPSICLES: Cold, refreshing, phallic.
• HONEY: Perfect for licking off the naughtier bits.
• WATERMELON: Light, refreshing, organic Viagra substitute.
The tastier side of lust
FOODS TO AVOID:
• SANDWICHES: Breadcrumbs don’t belong between the sheets.
• CLAM CHOWDER: Hot, white and creamy? This ain’t no hardcore porno.
• PIZZA: Hot melted cheese is tasty, but are 3rd degree burns worth it?
• MAYONNAISE: Belongs on a sandwich, not your naughty bits.
• SALAMI: Unless you’re making object porn, just hide your own salami.
• CHILI PEPPERS: Like pouring battery acid down your shorts.
• TACO SALAD: There is nothing less sexy than this culinary abomination.
Avoid foods with less sex appeal than an STD
Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SEDUCTION | Tagged: bang, berries, chili peppers, chocolate, clam chowder, delicious, easy, edible, erotic, fluff, food, foreplay, game changer, get laid, gourmet, honey. Watermelon, ice cube, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, lick, mayonnaise, messy, munch, naked, nipples, orgasm, pizza, popsicle, recipe, romance, salami, sandwich, sashimi, SEDUCTION, sex, sexy time, simple, sinful, sushi, taco salad, Whipped cream | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang