KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES

April 11, 2016
Don't forget the milk with them titties
Don’t forget the milk with them titties

Give it up for KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES.  They are stupidly simple to make, show imagination and a touch of humor, the essentially ingredient in attraction.  If you’re a guy, these say, “I love your breasts so much I had to commemorate them with a high calorie treat.”  If you’re a woman, the cookies say, “Just to remind you how amazing my breasts are, take a nibble, baby.”  Everybody wins with these edible mammaries!  An added bonus is that you can make a ton of these if you are dating more than one person.  Plus they make great gifts for your friends, coworkers and family that aren’t easily offended.  You best get baking.

peanut-kisses-prepIngredients (makes 20-30 cookies):
1. 1 cup of brown sugar
2. 1 cup of white sugar
3. 1¼ cups of flour
4. ½ teaspoon of baking soda
5. ½ teaspoon of baking powder
6. ½ cup of peanut butter
7. 1 teaspoon of vanilla
8. ½ cup of honey
9. 2 eggs
10. Hershey Kisses
11. ½ cup of margarine or butter

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.  Mix the butter/margarine and peanut butter.  Mix in the eggs and vanilla.  Next mix the baking powder, baking soda, honey, white and brown sugars.  Finally mix the flour in (the mixture will be thick so be careful not to burn out the engine if you use a hand blender).peanut-kisses-mix
Step 2
Unwrap all the Hershey Kisses and set aside.  Roll small balls of cookie dough the side of walnuts in their shells.  Set two balls side by side, leaving a ½ inch between them.   Make sure each pair has enough room to expand.  Bake 7 to 9 minutes until the edges of the cookies brown.  Remove from the oven and transfer onto wax paper to cool, immediately setting 2 Kisses on each cookie.  After a minute, pinch the tips and push down softly until you get your desire areola look.  Allow to cool, then package for gifts or each with milk, soymilk or by itself.
peanut-kisses-bake-pinch

peanut-kisses-served1

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GIFT TO BANG #1 – RADICALLY ROASTED PEPPERS

December 22, 2015
I roasted these peppers just for you, baby!

I roasted these peppers just for you, baby!

The economy has had a swift kick in the nuts for every consumer rich and poor.  The holidays are here and gifts need to be exchanged.  Your lovers are no exception.  The holidays are a great time to clean house of the more shameful members of your roster.  Give them nothing but a booty text with a holiday reference like “How’s my ho ho ho?”  But you may have one or two (or three or thirty) that you’d like to see more of in the New Year.  You gotta pony up sometimes, which doesn’t necessarily have to cost money.  Purchasing jewelry, lingerie or a personalized bowling ball can easily land you in trouble, especially if your give Tina the panties meant for Rochelle.  That’s why a culinary DIY project can bring a nice personal touch that reminds them once again what a phenomenal cook and lover you are.   Making some transportable food sends just the right message.  You won’t set up grand expectations or be considered stingy, just a matter of fact, “I think you are terrific and hope to bang you in the new year.”

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GIFT TO BANG – HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE

December 21, 2015
Put down the crackberry.  Try the Chipotle Blackberry.
Put down the crackberry. Try the Chipotle Blackberry.

So now you’re down to the wire now.  You blew all your cash on gifts for the family and forgot about that certain someone who’s been keeping your bed warm at night. Whoops! Soon you will be going your separate ways giving each of you time to think and reflect.  This could be a very bad thing if you leave on a inconsiderate cheapskate note.  Giving them nothing likely will result in not getting some for a while if not ever.  Considering the holiday rush at the stores for anything worth a damn, why not skip all that noise?  Save time and money by getting DIY with some jarring, player.  HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE offers an aphrodisiac double threat with the chipotle chili kick and blackberry antioxidant money shot.  It’s spicy, it’s sweet, it’s versatile.  Spread it on a sandwich, marinate meat and fish and grill, turn it into a sexy salad dressing with some vinegar.  Hand all your special someones a jar to remember you by, with luck a part of you will be in their mouth even months later (if you pressure seal the jars).  Let jarring begin!

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SMOKING HOT PEPPERMINT FATTY

December 11, 2015
Naughty hot chocolate for the hottie in your life.

Naughty hot chocolate for the hottie in your life.

It’s colder than Ann Coulter’s heart outside.  You’re date is no doubt keen to stay warm during these cruel winter months.  Luckily you are generous with sharing your body warmth.  Tis the season to be giving indeed.  This alcoholic hot chocolate recipe should help you mark a few extra notches until spring fever kicks in like rabbits in heat.  You get the comfort of a hot chocolate that warms the bones while the cocoa aphrodisiac sets the loins ablaze.  The minty alcohol will follow up as a double threat that will lower inhibitions and freshen your breath.  The two of you should be rolling around in the snow butt-naked in no time. Read the rest of this entry »


GIVE THANKS TO DADDY SINWICH

November 27, 2015
Be thankful for your bountiful bevvy of beauties

Be thankful for your bountiful bevvy of beauties

The Thanksgiving is hangover on  now.  You’re probably stumbling through your family’s home plastered on eggnog and convincing only the dog that your life is on track.  At least the turkey was good, right?   Turkey can keep the Thanksgiving spirit alive with that sexy someone.  Hopefully you’ll be able to convince them that you are in fact close with your family and show signs of taming.  If all goes to plan, your hedonistic instincts should be masked until after its too late for them to turn back. This is comfort food at its sexiest.  The goat cheese cranberry sauce becomes a sexy time explosion in your mouth, while the crisp lettuce, tart tomato, buttery avocado, and crunchy bread gets your knees knocking boots.  Your family will be happy to know that the food they made with such love and care is now getting you laid.  Who says COOK TO BANG doesn’t encourage family values? Read the rest of this entry »


WHO DA MAC & CHEESE?

September 14, 2015
So Mac-a-licious, you'll lick the dishes

So Mac-a-licious, you'll lick the dishes

If you make this dish, then you da mack!  This dish takes the childhood classic and turns it on its head so it’s strutting its sexy stuff across your dinner table.  Be ready with a line about how you came up with this recipe remenisce about giving your playground sweetheart a wildflower (I don’t mind you claiming this recipe as your own as long as it gets you laid; if you fails then I will haunt your dreams).  Truth be told, I hated mac and cheese as a kid because the flavor and texture was bland as Kansas. Done right, mac and cheese will compliment any continental meal from fried chicken to pork chops and beyond.  The bountiful bevy of cheeses and the spicy jalapeño become a techno dance party in your mouth.  This boring classic has the much needed flare like that player at the bar getting girls attention with the pink feather boa, but not obnoxious.   Remember,  you make this side dish right and it will be by your side for many more mouth-water culinary conquests. Read the rest of this entry »


GRATUITOUS GRILLED CHEESE SINWICH

June 29, 2015

Childhood classic never tasted so innapropriately scrumptious

THis childhood classic never tasted so inappropriately scrumptious

Do you still think of grilled cheese sandwiches as a slice of American cheese thrown between two slices of Wonder Bread?  The grilled cheese has come a long way and wants it’s day in court to appeal.  Be an honorable judge and listen to the cheese plead its case as it melts on your tongue, accompanied by evidence in the form of tomato, avocado and cilantro.  Only a cruel monster lacking in taste bud ethics could throw the book at a sandwich so deviously divine.  I found this extreme makeover on a childhood classic to be an effective weekend lunch date meal.  Grill these babies up, pop in a movie, pretend to yawn and throw your arm around your date.  If your game is strong, the vibe is on, than you should be knocking boots ‘til the break of dawn. Read the rest of this entry »