SLOPPY SECONDS JOE

March 2, 2016
There's no shame in going second so long as it's sloppy

There’s no shame in going second so long as it’s sloppy

No one likes to admit to having taken sloppy seconds, but we’ve all done it.  We all slip up and go there whether it’s hitting it after your best friend, sibling or in my case boss.  As long as you keep it under wraps and don’t allow this booty call to evolve into a five-year relationship then it’s no harm no foul.  Just move on knowing you got your forbidden rocks off and got away with it.  Well done, MacGuyver!  Now you just need to figure out an exit using only dental floss and a used condom.  Remember that your relationship with your homie is way more important than a piece of strange they already discarded anyway.  But sloppy isn’t always bad.  Sloppy can be damn good when stuffed into a bread roll and smothered with avocado.  So embrace the tangy terrific taste of a Sloppy Seconds Joe without shame or fear of retribution.

sloppy-seconds-joe-prepTotal time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $15
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, beer or a RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

Ingredients (for two):
1. 1 can of cheap beer
2. ½ cup of ketchup
3. 1 tablespoon of Worcestershire Sauce
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
5. ½ teaspoon of salt
6. ½ teaspoon of crushed garlic
7. 2 sandwich-sized French rolls
8. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 2 large dried CHILIES chopped thinly
10. 2 orange or red bell peppers chopped coarsely
11. 1 pound of ground beef or turkey meat

Step 1
Warm the olive oil in the stockpot over medium heat.  Add the crushed garlic and sauté momentarily before throwing in the bell peppers, turkey meat and salt.  Cook and stir until the turkey meat browns (approx 5 minutes).
sloppy-seconds-joe-brown-meat-peppers
Step 2
Add the chopped chilies and cook until the spice releases (approx 2 minutes).  Pour in the beer, ketchup and Worcestershire sauce and cook until the liquids evaporate and thicken (approx 20 minutes).  Turn off the heat and stir in the green onions.
sloppy-seconds-joe-chili-sauce
Step 3
Split each roll down the middle, leaving the base in tact.  Pull each roll open and spoon in the sloppy Joe mixture, crowning it with avocado if you so desire.  Serve it up sloppy, Joe.

sloppy-seconds-joe-split-fill-breadsloppy-seconds-joe-served-2

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GIFT TO BANG – HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE

December 21, 2015
Put down the crackberry.  Try the Chipotle Blackberry.
Put down the crackberry. Try the Chipotle Blackberry.

So now you’re down to the wire now.  You blew all your cash on gifts for the family and forgot about that certain someone who’s been keeping your bed warm at night. Whoops! Soon you will be going your separate ways giving each of you time to think and reflect.  This could be a very bad thing if you leave on a inconsiderate cheapskate note.  Giving them nothing likely will result in not getting some for a while if not ever.  Considering the holiday rush at the stores for anything worth a damn, why not skip all that noise?  Save time and money by getting DIY with some jarring, player.  HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE offers an aphrodisiac double threat with the chipotle chili kick and blackberry antioxidant money shot.  It’s spicy, it’s sweet, it’s versatile.  Spread it on a sandwich, marinate meat and fish and grill, turn it into a sexy salad dressing with some vinegar.  Hand all your special someones a jar to remember you by, with luck a part of you will be in their mouth even months later (if you pressure seal the jars).  Let jarring begin!

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TRUFFLE SHUFFLE GRILLED CHEESE

December 4, 2015

Avoid getting into scuffles when you truffle shuffe.

While CTB has already done the GRATUITOUS GRILLED CHEESE SINWICH to great fanfare, one gourmet grilled cheese sandwich just isn’t enough. Anyone whose been to a grilled cheese contest can tell you there’ more than one way to melt congealed milk. At the GRILLED CHEESE INVITATIONAL, I learned that there are as many variations on the grilled cheese as positions in the Kama Sutra. Since CTB is not about to make grilled cheese the exclusive format, allow me to present this grilled piece of awesome for your dining pleasure. In the interest of full disclosure, I just got truffle oil and am totally and positively gay for it. A little dab works like a super lube, revving up the sexy time explosions in your mouth. Alas, I applied the glorious oil to a grilled cheese lunch. I took my first bite while standing and nearly lost my footing. Luckily the girl I was cooking for was able to break my fall or I would have knocked over the precious truffle elixir and likely licked it straight off the floor. By the time we gobbled down our sinwiches, we danced a shuffle from the kitchen into the bedroom without bothering to wash our hands first. Read the rest of this entry »


SUCK-U-LENT SUSHI SINWICH

October 16, 2015
If you don't like succulent food, you can suck it.

If you don’t like succulent food, you can suck it.

Can you slice a watermelon with a katana blade?  Do you use nunchucks to pound out pizza dough?  Can you catch a fly with chopsticks?  Then you are a kitchen ninja.  Clearly your rigorous training has paid off because your culinary concoctions are deadly delicious.  You make the knuckleheads competing on Top Chef look like low-level samurai sous chefs.  Now it’s time to drop a sake bomb in your home kitchen in the ultimate mission: sexual culinary conquest.  There’s an unattainable geisha whose lotus flower has not been plucked in many rice harvests.  It’s time to mix your Japanese fighting style with some Western flavor to make funky fusion food.  Assemble your fiercest weapon: APHRODISIACS and make your sensei proud.  Should you fail, you must perform hari-kari.  Now go get ‘em, you nasty ninjas! Read the rest of this entry »


EGG MCBANGIN’

August 17, 2015
egg-mcbangin-served

Mickey D’s ain’t got nuthin’ on this morning delight

So your date has slept over and has a ridiculous craving for some artery clogging McDonalds.  How gross and inconvenient!  You can indulge their desire, save time and money, plus you’ll blow their mind with this vast improvement over the fast food original.  This fine breakfast dish is extremely simple to prepare, plus it can be relatively healthy, thus giving you some much-needed nutrients depleted by a morning in bed.  I first made this dish on a whim using minimal ingredients when a one-night stand demanded I drive her 3 miles away to the nearest fast food purveyor.  First, I despise haphazardly prepared food, but more importantly I was only interested in one thing, and the Egg McMuffin demand was cock-blocking me.  Luckily my ingenuity worked out A-OK.  We both got what we wanted and I never saw her again.  Ha! Read the rest of this entry »


TURN YOU OUT TURKEY BURGER

July 4, 2015
Turkey turns me on, then turns me out.  Yeow!

Turkey turns ’em on, then turns ’em out. Yeow!

Hamburgers are not normally considered sexy, but they are a damn tasty staple of the American diet.  Turkey meat however is leaner, meaner and greener.   The protein does you right plus there’s less fat and twice the flavor when cooked right.  My thanks go out to the Native Americans for turning the Pilgrims onto this precious bird (sorry about taking your land and all).  The fire charring the meat empowers the caveman in every male chef.  The lady chef or date can enjoy this tasty piece of the American dream and not worry about the dish going straight to her thighs. When you bit into the center and find the goat cheese goodness, a choir of angels with trumpets shall inspire a tryst of the kinkiest order.  I tried a similar dish at a bourgeois New York restaurant priced somewhere upwards of $25.  The bill hurt my wallet, but my palette was well satisfied and my brain full of inspiration.  This summertime dish always leads to good times and enough erotic memories to last me through winter. Read the rest of this entry »


GRATUITOUS GRILLED CHEESE SINWICH

June 29, 2015

Childhood classic never tasted so innapropriately scrumptious

THis childhood classic never tasted so inappropriately scrumptious

Do you still think of grilled cheese sandwiches as a slice of American cheese thrown between two slices of Wonder Bread?  The grilled cheese has come a long way and wants it’s day in court to appeal.  Be an honorable judge and listen to the cheese plead its case as it melts on your tongue, accompanied by evidence in the form of tomato, avocado and cilantro.  Only a cruel monster lacking in taste bud ethics could throw the book at a sandwich so deviously divine.  I found this extreme makeover on a childhood classic to be an effective weekend lunch date meal.  Grill these babies up, pop in a movie, pretend to yawn and throw your arm around your date.  If your game is strong, the vibe is on, than you should be knocking boots ‘til the break of dawn. Read the rest of this entry »