KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES

April 11, 2016
Don't forget the milk with them titties
Don’t forget the milk with them titties

Give it up for KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES.  They are stupidly simple to make, show imagination and a touch of humor, the essentially ingredient in attraction.  If you’re a guy, these say, “I love your breasts so much I had to commemorate them with a high calorie treat.”  If you’re a woman, the cookies say, “Just to remind you how amazing my breasts are, take a nibble, baby.”  Everybody wins with these edible mammaries!  An added bonus is that you can make a ton of these if you are dating more than one person.  Plus they make great gifts for your friends, coworkers and family that aren’t easily offended.  You best get baking.

peanut-kisses-prepIngredients (makes 20-30 cookies):
1. 1 cup of brown sugar
2. 1 cup of white sugar
3. 1¼ cups of flour
4. ½ teaspoon of baking soda
5. ½ teaspoon of baking powder
6. ½ cup of peanut butter
7. 1 teaspoon of vanilla
8. ½ cup of honey
9. 2 eggs
10. Hershey Kisses
11. ½ cup of margarine or butter

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.  Mix the butter/margarine and peanut butter.  Mix in the eggs and vanilla.  Next mix the baking powder, baking soda, honey, white and brown sugars.  Finally mix the flour in (the mixture will be thick so be careful not to burn out the engine if you use a hand blender).peanut-kisses-mix
Step 2
Unwrap all the Hershey Kisses and set aside.  Roll small balls of cookie dough the side of walnuts in their shells.  Set two balls side by side, leaving a ½ inch between them.   Make sure each pair has enough room to expand.  Bake 7 to 9 minutes until the edges of the cookies brown.  Remove from the oven and transfer onto wax paper to cool, immediately setting 2 Kisses on each cookie.  After a minute, pinch the tips and push down softly until you get your desire areola look.  Allow to cool, then package for gifts or each with milk, soymilk or by itself.
peanut-kisses-bake-pinch

peanut-kisses-served1

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OH GOD, DON’T STOP! JALAPEÑO POPPERS

March 27, 2016
Once you popper, you can’t stop her

Once you popper, you can’t stop her

Most North American sports bar patrons have consumed twice their weight in deep fried jalapeños poppers. Sure they are goddamn satisfying as the cheese stains your shirt, your team scores, and you toast with your third beer. Jalapeño poppers just aren’t sexy fried, period. Don’t even think about getting kinky with an order of twelve poppers with ranch on the side.  But when you got ‘em baking, you can start shaking.  Suddenly the crowd-pleasing appetizer is both edible and credible. The poppers are perfectly portable treat for tailgating, potlucks and the occasional swingers party.  But if you want to CTB, serve your basketball fuck-buddy finger food.  You are sure to score a touch down.

Total time: approximately 15 minutes

Projected cost: $4

Drinking Buddy: Beer, this is bar food

jalepeno-poppers-prepIngredients:

1. 1/3 cup of flour

2. 1/3 cup of bread crumbs

3. 1 tablespoon of honey

4. 2 tablespoons of milk

5. ½ teaspoon of paprika

6. 3 ounces of cream cheese

7. 2 handfuls of shredded jack/mozzarella cheese

8. 1 egg

9. 5 jalapeños spilt lengthwise, stalks cut, seeds and veins removed

Step 1

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Mix the cheeses with the honey and paprika.  Spread enough of the cheese mixture to just fill the hollow jalapeños.

jalepeno-poppers-cheese

Step 2

Mix up the egg with the milk and paprika.  Separate the flour, egg mixture, and breadcrumbs in separate bowls.  Dip each cheesy jalapeño first in flour, then egg mixture, and finally breadcrumbs.  Set out on a foil covered baking pan.

jalepeno-poppers-dipped

Step 3**

Shove the baking pan full of prepped jalapeños in the oven.  Bake until the breading browns and the cheese begins to ooze out the side.  (Approx 30 min)  Now you’re good to serve it up on a platter with ranch or ketchup.  Who’s the player now?

jalepeno-poppers-baked

**This is the baking method. You could skip this step and deep fry it in oil. But frying isn’t sexy.  Trust me!

jalepeno-poppers-served-2

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SENORITA LUPITA’S CACTUS FAJITAS

March 14, 2016
Serve senoritas bonitas fajitas

Serve senoritas bonitas fajitas

Cactus isn’t just an icon of the American Southwest.  It isn’t just a sharp nuisance that plagues the likes of Wile E. Coyote.  No, mi amigos.  Cactus is also the source of water when you are lost in the dessert.  It can be used as a weapon to protect yourself from Area 51 aliens or the worm creatures from Tremors.  But few recognize that it is damn tasty and mighty nutritious.  I learned this when I was visiting relatives in Santa Fe from a beautiful mixed Mexican/Native American girl named Lupita.  She thought I was funny and for some reason invited me to her mother’s adobe pueblo for lunch.  My gringo senses were shocked to see Lupita’s mama slicing up a cactus nopales she cut off massive peyote cactus in their front yard. It was love at first bite.  The taste of this imaginative style of fajitas got my mind and loins racing.  Sadly, Lupita is a good Catholic girl and did not fall for my charms. I instead plotted how to make this dish my own so I could employ it on my future Lupitas.  This dish rarely fails to impress and inspire my dates…to get naked.

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Cerveza and more cerveza!

cactus-fajitas-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cactus nopales
2. SALSA
3. 2 teaspoons of fajita seasoning
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
5. 1 onion chopped into long strips
6. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
7. 1 pound of chicken cut into bit sized strips
8. 1 handful of shredded jack cheese
9. ½ sliced avocado
10. 6 corn tortillas heated (not pictured)

Step 1
Sprinkle the chicken with 1 teaspoon of the fajita seasoning and allow the flavor to absorb (approx 5 minutes).  Stir fry the chicken in olive oil and cook through. Set aside.
cactus-fajitas-chicken
Step 2
Slice off the cactus spikes, skin and edges, then cut into strips.  Heat olive oil in a pan and stir-fry the onion until they soften (approx 2 minutes), then toss in the cactus and tomatoes, and sprinkle 1 teaspoon of fajitas seasoning.  Stir it around until the tomatoes dissolve and become a spicy sauce coating the onions and cactus (approx 4 minutes).  Set aide.
cactus-fajitas-veggies
Step 3
Create a fajita filling station that will give your date(s) an option of what to take.  This will allow vegetarians and vegans to assemble something unobjectionable.  With any luck, there will be plenty of objectionable activities to follow.
cactus-fajitas-assemblecactus-fajitas-served-2

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REVERSE COWGIRL EGGS

March 7, 2016
Ride these eggs Reverse Cowgirl style, YIPPY KI YI YAY!

Ride these eggs Reverse Cowgirl style, YIPPY KI YI YAY!

Howdy, pardners!  You look hungry after wrestling all morning with them coyote uglies.  I reckon you could do with a little breakfast before you herd them little doggies into that there pen.  Pull yerself up round that campfire, eat my sexy version of cowboy eggs and I’ll tell some tall tales about them crazy cowgirls in Dodge City.  These girls will holler at the moon and love nothing more than to be ridden hard and put away wet.  I reckon y’all know what I mean so you best get on that Pony Express and get yerself a piece before Wild Bill and his men cock-block you.  This here recipe came about when I had my own cowgirl who wanted something quick before dragging me back up to the saloon bedroom for more of the same.  We done did hide out all morning, afternoon and night and that sheriff never got his mangy paws on me.  Thanks to her, I lived to tell this story and feed you my wake-me-up special.  Yee-haw!

Total time: approximately 4 minutes
Projected cost: $2
Drinking Buddy: These are usually morning meal, so OJ or mimosas will do.

cowboy-eggs-prepIngredients (per dish):
1. 2 eggs
2. 2 thick slices of bread (recommend Texas Toast)
3. salt to taste
4. ½ an avocado
5. black pepper to taste
6. 1 teaspoon of butter

Step 1
Use a large bottle cap (like for juice) and put a hole into the middle of each slice of bread.  Melt the butter in a pan on medium heat and then throw in the bread.
cowboy-eggs-bread-hole
Step 2
Crack an egg into the center of each hole.  Sprinkle the desired amount of salt and pepper on each egg (approx 2 minutes).  Once the egg whites start to escape and harden from under the bread, flip them and cook the other side making sue the yolk is still soft in the middle (approx 1-2 minutes).  Serve it up on a plate with the side you cooked first up, its much prettier, and crown with avocado slices.  Serve with bacon or hot sauce if you like.
cowboy-eggs-cook

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ROASTED RED PEEPING TOM-ATO SOUP

February 17, 2016
Peep this pack of perfect peppers, player!

Peep this pack of perfect peppers, player!

Some of my best friends are peeping toms.  Society tells these voyeurs to be ashamed.  But I ask you, how different is it to watch someone in person then watching asinine strangers in a reality show?  Once you get used to hand prints left from peering into your window and your flowerbed continually being crushed, it’s really not so bad.  Voyeurs are essentially pleasure-delayers.  I personally subscribe to the hedonist school and want it all a week ago. But I respect their patience.  This soup is like that.  Roasting takes a dedication.  Are you up for the task of slow-cooking a perfect soup so that you won’t have to “take it slow” later?  I hope so because sometimes, every once in a while, I mean a long while, it is totally worth it to hold it back.  Like an orgasm you manage to stretch out an extra 5 seconds by grunting.  “Oh yeah! That’s it. Here we go. Unnnnggggghhhh!”

Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Ice tea, lemonade or an ice-cold beer to cool you down, Perv Master Flex

roasted-red-peeping-tom-ato-soup-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 2 red bell peppers
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 teaspoon of salt
4. 2 cups of vegetable stock
5. 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
6. 2 teaspoons of bay leaves
7. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 2 tomatoes

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 400 degrees F.  Wash the red peppers and tomatoes, dry them off, and place them all into a large glass or metal oven-safe bowl.  Roast them until the skin blacks and separates from the veggie meat (approx 45 minutes).  Remove the tomato and peppers from the bowl and place them in a plastic bag that you will seal and leave in the fridge to cool (approx 20 minutes).  Take the bag out of the fridge and dump the contents, leaked juice included, back into the roasting bowl.  Slowly remove the skin from the peppers and tomatoes.  Finally pull out the stalks and chop it all up coarsely and set aside.
roasted-red-peeping-tom-ato-soup-roast
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil in a stockpot on medium heat.  Toss in the garlic and cook until it whitens (approx 30 seconds), then follow up with the onions that you will cook until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes).  Flavor it all up with the salt, cayenne pepper and bay leaves before mixing in the roasted peppers and tomatoes.
roasted-red-peeping-tom-ato-soup-cook
Step 3
Dump in the vegetable stock and bring to a roaring boil on high heat, then turn the heat down low and simmer with a lid on until the veggies soften (approx 20 minutes).  Puree the soup up using a Cuisinart, blender or hand blender (as pictured) and serve with a feeling of accomplishment.  You’re terrific.

roasted-red-peeping-tom-ato-soup-simmer-puree

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PORTOBELLO BORDELLO

February 15, 2016

Turn any date into filthy hooker

Some food has the power to transform a good day into a great day. We’ve all experienced a meal so freaking amazing that we talk about it years, sometimes decades later. Don’t get me started on this penne eggplant bowl I enjoyed on Italy’s Amalfi Coast. Let’s just say I had to smoke cigarette after…and I don’t even smoke! But there are certain dishes that are not only memorable, but cause clothes to melt away like the Wicked Witch of the West. Whore. The Portobello Bordello is one of those dishes. It is not only loaded with APHRODISIACS, but an edible orgasm of flavor, texture and attitude. Be warned: those with heart problems may not be able to handle this mushroom dish’s pure unadulterated awesomeness. The rest of you should not fear stuffing the mushroom. Odds are there will be some serious stuffing to follow.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $16
Drinking Buddy: White wine or champagne

stuffed-portobello-prepIngredients:
1. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
2. ½ tablespoon of honey
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of paprika
6. 1/3 cup of bread crumbs
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ red bell pepper chopped coarsely
9. 6 ounces of lump crab meat
10. ½ a jalapeño chopped finely
11. 1 small handful of shredded Parmesan
12. ½ a lemon worth of juice
13. 2 large Portobello mushroom caps
14. 4 avocado slices (not pictured)

Step 1
Create the stuffing by mixing up the green onions, red bell pepper, lemon juice, jalapeño, crab meat, parmesan, bread crumbs, mayonnaise, honey, salt and paprika in a large mixing bowl.

stuffed-portobello-stuffing

Step 2
Wash the Portobello mushrooms then scrape away the black gills with a spoon and cut out the stem. This will allow more room for stuffing. Pour olive oil over the mushroom tops, then flip them over and place them in a small baking pan. Pour in half the stuffing into each cap and spread out evenly.

stuffed-portobello-prebake

Step 3
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Throw in the baking pan full of stuffed mushrooms into the oven and bake until the stuffing browns (approx 35-40 minutes). Serve it up on top of a large leaf of lettuce. Garnish each cap with 2 avocado slices and serve it up knowing full well IT’S ON!

stuffed-portobello-bakestuffed-portobello-served-2

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VALENTINES DOOMSDAY

February 14, 2016
Taste the love!

Taste the love!

The day is upon us. Tis a day so loaded with sentiment and expectation that you can cut the anxiety with a knife. The romantically inclined celebrate V Day as if you combined the significance of Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah, Quanza, New Years and Groundhog Day. A single rose or the karats in a diamond become more important than the cures for cancer, the failing economy and erectile dysfunction. It CAN be a beautiful thing.

But I advise the players out there to turn off your phone, unplug your computer and, if necessary, fake your own death. Get off the grid for a few days. Let the Romantic Armageddon pass you by while you play Nintendo in your fallout shelter. Otherwise you are inviting a shit-storm by being disingenuous. What’s the point? The consequences will extend way past February and may involve a restraining order because your car brakes were cut. There are 364 other days to get laid without propping up your carnal connection as genuine lovemaking.

All cynicism aside, Valentines Day provides an amazing opportunity to COOK TO BANG. Sure you can go to some fancy restaurant. But why? You’ll drop your whole paycheck on the check for overpriced, crappy food and service. And that’s if you can even get a reservation. Keep it casual at your place and you are sure to have a great meal, plus round upon round of monkey sex. The extra effort you put into cooking something exceptional from scratch will demonstrate you truly do care, even if you don’t. With that in mind, below are some CTB favorites that will send the right message, whatever that message might be:

“SORRY I HAD A THREESOME WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND AND SISTER.”
So you messed up big time. Wipe the smirk off your face because now that you’ve gone to heaven, you have to crawl your way out of hell. It’s time to pull out the big guns and prove that you deserve a second, third or tenth chance:
FLAT ON YOUR BACK FLATBREAD PIZZA
PORTOBELLO BORDELLO
PINCH YOUR ASS-BERRY BROWNIES

“IF IT WASN’T VALENTINES DAY I WOULD HAVE DUMPED YOU ALREADY.”
You meant to end things before Christmas, but you thought that seemed cruel. Then their cat died in January. So now it’s V Day and while their voice makes you want to go postal, you must bide your time before you say adieu. Go for the bare minimum, but try to avoid the inevitable nagging and save yourself a few bucks for when you become single:
SU-SWEATY BALLS-O-YAY!
LET’S BANG S’MORE

“YOU’RE JUST A BOOTIE CALL”
Same sentiment as above. This person falls into the category “If You Don’t Love Somebody, Love the One You’re With.” Bootie calls are a fragile relationship. They haven’t met your friends and family for good reason. Don’t give the impression they ever will. But at the same time, don’t ever let that on, even if it seems obvious since you have never called them before 11pm:
TOMATILLOS PARA MIS AMIGOS BENEFICIOS
KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES

“HAVE WE REALLY BEEN DATING FOR 4 YEARS?”
Yes, I’m afraid so. Clearly this relationship is an extended fling you both have just gotten used to. But that doesn’t mean you can just opt out of this most romantic of days. And since you are clearly just going through the motions, try this menu out. You might just eke out a little pleasure-free sport-fucking.
YES WE CAN-TALOUPE!
SUCK-ULENT SUSHI SINWICH
LECHEROUS LEMON BARS

“I KICKED EVERYONE ELSE TO THE CURB FOR YOU.”
So you are a reformed player now. You burned your black book, canceled your Internet dating account, and said goodbye to your stable of sexpots. The person you are with is just that much better than those other bimbos/mimbos. Show them how you feel with a menu that says “You’re worth not having great sex with a different person every night.”
TAP THAT ASS-PARAGUS SOUP
BEGGIN’ FOR BACON WRAPPED SCALLOPS
BALLS-ON-IT BALSAMIC STRAWBERRIES

“WE JUST STARTED DATING, BUT I REALLY REALLY DIG YOU!”
Head over heels, are we? Glad to hear it. It’s time to show them just how spectacular they are. Clearly this relationship is new and you don’t want to come on too strong. But you want to plant seeds that will blossom into two trees intertwined. So dazzle them without overwhelming them with a little culinary flare.
DON’T ARTICHOKE YOUR CHICKEN
MISO HORNY COD
DOUBLE DIP THE TIP IN CHOCOLATE

“WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
It’s time to pop the question. You’re thinking, “So what if proposing on Valentines Day is cliché?” Forget the haters, put your player days behind you, and get on your knees…after you serve up something special.
CAMBODIAN LOVE ROLLS
SMACK MY BISQUE UP
MACKA-DADDY-A CRUSTED AHI WITH PONZU ISRAELI COUSCOUS
STROKE MY BANANA FOSTER

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