KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES

April 11, 2016
Don't forget the milk with them titties
Don’t forget the milk with them titties

Give it up for KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES.  They are stupidly simple to make, show imagination and a touch of humor, the essentially ingredient in attraction.  If you’re a guy, these say, “I love your breasts so much I had to commemorate them with a high calorie treat.”  If you’re a woman, the cookies say, “Just to remind you how amazing my breasts are, take a nibble, baby.”  Everybody wins with these edible mammaries!  An added bonus is that you can make a ton of these if you are dating more than one person.  Plus they make great gifts for your friends, coworkers and family that aren’t easily offended.  You best get baking.

peanut-kisses-prepIngredients (makes 20-30 cookies):
1. 1 cup of brown sugar
2. 1 cup of white sugar
3. 1¼ cups of flour
4. ½ teaspoon of baking soda
5. ½ teaspoon of baking powder
6. ½ cup of peanut butter
7. 1 teaspoon of vanilla
8. ½ cup of honey
9. 2 eggs
10. Hershey Kisses
11. ½ cup of margarine or butter

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.  Mix the butter/margarine and peanut butter.  Mix in the eggs and vanilla.  Next mix the baking powder, baking soda, honey, white and brown sugars.  Finally mix the flour in (the mixture will be thick so be careful not to burn out the engine if you use a hand blender).peanut-kisses-mix
Step 2
Unwrap all the Hershey Kisses and set aside.  Roll small balls of cookie dough the side of walnuts in their shells.  Set two balls side by side, leaving a ½ inch between them.   Make sure each pair has enough room to expand.  Bake 7 to 9 minutes until the edges of the cookies brown.  Remove from the oven and transfer onto wax paper to cool, immediately setting 2 Kisses on each cookie.  After a minute, pinch the tips and push down softly until you get your desire areola look.  Allow to cool, then package for gifts or each with milk, soymilk or by itself.
peanut-kisses-bake-pinch

peanut-kisses-served1

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


VALENTINES DOOMSDAY

February 14, 2016
Taste the love!

Taste the love!

The day is upon us. Tis a day so loaded with sentiment and expectation that you can cut the anxiety with a knife. The romantically inclined celebrate V Day as if you combined the significance of Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah, Quanza, New Years and Groundhog Day. A single rose or the karats in a diamond become more important than the cures for cancer, the failing economy and erectile dysfunction. It CAN be a beautiful thing.

But I advise the players out there to turn off your phone, unplug your computer and, if necessary, fake your own death. Get off the grid for a few days. Let the Romantic Armageddon pass you by while you play Nintendo in your fallout shelter. Otherwise you are inviting a shit-storm by being disingenuous. What’s the point? The consequences will extend way past February and may involve a restraining order because your car brakes were cut. There are 364 other days to get laid without propping up your carnal connection as genuine lovemaking.

All cynicism aside, Valentines Day provides an amazing opportunity to COOK TO BANG. Sure you can go to some fancy restaurant. But why? You’ll drop your whole paycheck on the check for overpriced, crappy food and service. And that’s if you can even get a reservation. Keep it casual at your place and you are sure to have a great meal, plus round upon round of monkey sex. The extra effort you put into cooking something exceptional from scratch will demonstrate you truly do care, even if you don’t. With that in mind, below are some CTB favorites that will send the right message, whatever that message might be:

“SORRY I HAD A THREESOME WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND AND SISTER.”
So you messed up big time. Wipe the smirk off your face because now that you’ve gone to heaven, you have to crawl your way out of hell. It’s time to pull out the big guns and prove that you deserve a second, third or tenth chance:
FLAT ON YOUR BACK FLATBREAD PIZZA
PORTOBELLO BORDELLO
PINCH YOUR ASS-BERRY BROWNIES

“IF IT WASN’T VALENTINES DAY I WOULD HAVE DUMPED YOU ALREADY.”
You meant to end things before Christmas, but you thought that seemed cruel. Then their cat died in January. So now it’s V Day and while their voice makes you want to go postal, you must bide your time before you say adieu. Go for the bare minimum, but try to avoid the inevitable nagging and save yourself a few bucks for when you become single:
SU-SWEATY BALLS-O-YAY!
LET’S BANG S’MORE

“YOU’RE JUST A BOOTIE CALL”
Same sentiment as above. This person falls into the category “If You Don’t Love Somebody, Love the One You’re With.” Bootie calls are a fragile relationship. They haven’t met your friends and family for good reason. Don’t give the impression they ever will. But at the same time, don’t ever let that on, even if it seems obvious since you have never called them before 11pm:
TOMATILLOS PARA MIS AMIGOS BENEFICIOS
KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES

“HAVE WE REALLY BEEN DATING FOR 4 YEARS?”
Yes, I’m afraid so. Clearly this relationship is an extended fling you both have just gotten used to. But that doesn’t mean you can just opt out of this most romantic of days. And since you are clearly just going through the motions, try this menu out. You might just eke out a little pleasure-free sport-fucking.
YES WE CAN-TALOUPE!
SUCK-ULENT SUSHI SINWICH
LECHEROUS LEMON BARS

“I KICKED EVERYONE ELSE TO THE CURB FOR YOU.”
So you are a reformed player now. You burned your black book, canceled your Internet dating account, and said goodbye to your stable of sexpots. The person you are with is just that much better than those other bimbos/mimbos. Show them how you feel with a menu that says “You’re worth not having great sex with a different person every night.”
TAP THAT ASS-PARAGUS SOUP
BEGGIN’ FOR BACON WRAPPED SCALLOPS
BALLS-ON-IT BALSAMIC STRAWBERRIES

“WE JUST STARTED DATING, BUT I REALLY REALLY DIG YOU!”
Head over heels, are we? Glad to hear it. It’s time to show them just how spectacular they are. Clearly this relationship is new and you don’t want to come on too strong. But you want to plant seeds that will blossom into two trees intertwined. So dazzle them without overwhelming them with a little culinary flare.
DON’T ARTICHOKE YOUR CHICKEN
MISO HORNY COD
DOUBLE DIP THE TIP IN CHOCOLATE

“WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
It’s time to pop the question. You’re thinking, “So what if proposing on Valentines Day is cliché?” Forget the haters, put your player days behind you, and get on your knees…after you serve up something special.
CAMBODIAN LOVE ROLLS
SMACK MY BISQUE UP
MACKA-DADDY-A CRUSTED AHI WITH PONZU ISRAELI COUSCOUS
STROKE MY BANANA FOSTER

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


BUST-A-NUT SQUASH SOUP

February 3, 2016
Bust a nut with some butternut

Bust a nut with some butternut

“I think I’m gonna bust a nut all over this squash! Can’t hold back any more.  Oh yeah, here it comes. Mmm mmm.  Damn this soup hits the spot every time.”  This is the typical reaction you get when you make this during wintertime.  The butternut is the sexiest, tastiest, most sultry member of the squash family.  It absorbs flavor like a champ and becomes velvety when cooked right. And when you roast it, good god does it drip with sex appeal.  There aren’t adjectives provocative enough to sum up cooking roasted butternut squash into a soup so I’ll leave that filthy fantasy to the individual chef.  This soup has gotten me through the leanest of times with some lovelies with countless requests for sequels.  One ex tried to get this recipe before we broke up, but I refused so she left in a huff never to be seen again.  Roxanne*, if you’re reading this, here’s the recipe finally available to any and all.  Enjoy, and give your cat my best. Read the rest of this entry »


GIFT TO BANG #1 – RADICALLY ROASTED PEPPERS

December 22, 2015
I roasted these peppers just for you, baby!

I roasted these peppers just for you, baby!

The economy has had a swift kick in the nuts for every consumer rich and poor.  The holidays are here and gifts need to be exchanged.  Your lovers are no exception.  The holidays are a great time to clean house of the more shameful members of your roster.  Give them nothing but a booty text with a holiday reference like “How’s my ho ho ho?”  But you may have one or two (or three or thirty) that you’d like to see more of in the New Year.  You gotta pony up sometimes, which doesn’t necessarily have to cost money.  Purchasing jewelry, lingerie or a personalized bowling ball can easily land you in trouble, especially if your give Tina the panties meant for Rochelle.  That’s why a culinary DIY project can bring a nice personal touch that reminds them once again what a phenomenal cook and lover you are.   Making some transportable food sends just the right message.  You won’t set up grand expectations or be considered stingy, just a matter of fact, “I think you are terrific and hope to bang you in the new year.”

Read the rest of this entry »


GIFT TO BANG – HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE

December 21, 2015
Put down the crackberry.  Try the Chipotle Blackberry.
Put down the crackberry. Try the Chipotle Blackberry.

So now you’re down to the wire now.  You blew all your cash on gifts for the family and forgot about that certain someone who’s been keeping your bed warm at night. Whoops! Soon you will be going your separate ways giving each of you time to think and reflect.  This could be a very bad thing if you leave on a inconsiderate cheapskate note.  Giving them nothing likely will result in not getting some for a while if not ever.  Considering the holiday rush at the stores for anything worth a damn, why not skip all that noise?  Save time and money by getting DIY with some jarring, player.  HOLY BLACKBERRY CHIPOTLE SAUCE offers an aphrodisiac double threat with the chipotle chili kick and blackberry antioxidant money shot.  It’s spicy, it’s sweet, it’s versatile.  Spread it on a sandwich, marinate meat and fish and grill, turn it into a sexy salad dressing with some vinegar.  Hand all your special someones a jar to remember you by, with luck a part of you will be in their mouth even months later (if you pressure seal the jars).  Let jarring begin!

Read the rest of this entry »


SMACK MY BISQUE UP

December 14, 2015
Man goes where the mangos flow and the seafood knows

Man goes where the mangos flow and the seafood knows

You can almost hear the steel drums and kinky Reggae when you slurp this sexy take on a Caribbean classic.  It takes a little work to harness the flavors, but trust me when I say it’s well worth the time (hint hint).  Shrimp mango bisque is both nutritious and loaded with aphrodisiacs that will put you on the path to gratification.  The sweet taste of mango compliments the spices; the shrimp are just begging to soak in the sweet and spicy flavor bursts.  My first encounter with this dish was at Club Med in Turks and Caicos as a child rather clueless as to why the adults danced so closely together after a downing a bowl.  Perversity and ingenuity have since led me to honing the recipe to what you see before you. SMACK MY BISQUE UP has become a reliable go to dish that brings that Caribbean sunshine to my kitchen and bedroom even in the dead of winter.  Go on, make Bob Marley proud!

Read the rest of this entry »


SMOKING HOT PEPPERMINT FATTY

December 11, 2015
Naughty hot chocolate for the hottie in your life.

Naughty hot chocolate for the hottie in your life.

It’s colder than Ann Coulter’s heart outside.  You’re date is no doubt keen to stay warm during these cruel winter months.  Luckily you are generous with sharing your body warmth.  Tis the season to be giving indeed.  This alcoholic hot chocolate recipe should help you mark a few extra notches until spring fever kicks in like rabbits in heat.  You get the comfort of a hot chocolate that warms the bones while the cocoa aphrodisiac sets the loins ablaze.  The minty alcohol will follow up as a double threat that will lower inhibitions and freshen your breath.  The two of you should be rolling around in the snow butt-naked in no time. Read the rest of this entry »