KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES

April 11, 2016
Don't forget the milk with them titties
Don’t forget the milk with them titties

Give it up for KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES.  They are stupidly simple to make, show imagination and a touch of humor, the essentially ingredient in attraction.  If you’re a guy, these say, “I love your breasts so much I had to commemorate them with a high calorie treat.”  If you’re a woman, the cookies say, “Just to remind you how amazing my breasts are, take a nibble, baby.”  Everybody wins with these edible mammaries!  An added bonus is that you can make a ton of these if you are dating more than one person.  Plus they make great gifts for your friends, coworkers and family that aren’t easily offended.  You best get baking.

peanut-kisses-prepIngredients (makes 20-30 cookies):
1. 1 cup of brown sugar
2. 1 cup of white sugar
3. 1¼ cups of flour
4. ½ teaspoon of baking soda
5. ½ teaspoon of baking powder
6. ½ cup of peanut butter
7. 1 teaspoon of vanilla
8. ½ cup of honey
9. 2 eggs
10. Hershey Kisses
11. ½ cup of margarine or butter

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.  Mix the butter/margarine and peanut butter.  Mix in the eggs and vanilla.  Next mix the baking powder, baking soda, honey, white and brown sugars.  Finally mix the flour in (the mixture will be thick so be careful not to burn out the engine if you use a hand blender).peanut-kisses-mix
Step 2
Unwrap all the Hershey Kisses and set aside.  Roll small balls of cookie dough the side of walnuts in their shells.  Set two balls side by side, leaving a ½ inch between them.   Make sure each pair has enough room to expand.  Bake 7 to 9 minutes until the edges of the cookies brown.  Remove from the oven and transfer onto wax paper to cool, immediately setting 2 Kisses on each cookie.  After a minute, pinch the tips and push down softly until you get your desire areola look.  Allow to cool, then package for gifts or each with milk, soymilk or by itself.
peanut-kisses-bake-pinch

peanut-kisses-served1

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POTATO SKIN FLUTES♫♪

April 4, 2016
Lead your enchanted hordes with the glorious tune of your Potato Skin Flute.

Lead your enchanted hordes with the glorious tune of your Potato Skin Flute.

The flute is an enchanting instrument that when played right can control the minds of the captivated audience.  Pan rocked his pipes and outplayed Mt. Olympus’s residents. The Pied Piper inspired people to follow him like sheep, dancing like fools through meadows and forests.  Even Saint Patrick the heartthrob priest used a wind instrument to drive the snakes out of Ireland.  You too can enjoy such greatness if you embrace and master your own flute (or your man’s).  Play that flute beautifully with precision and attention to detail and they will follow you anywhere you want to go.  Just imagine the possibilities once you have someone under your flute’s spell and yearning for your next note.  Audiences can be fickle so keep them fed so the flute party keeps going.  Savory Potato Skin Flutes will do the trick.  Cheeky, cheap and cheesy!  You’ll be back playing the final crescendo in no time. ♪

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a MO MOJO MOJITO

tater-skins-prepIngredients (for two):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. ½ teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. Sour cream for dipping
6. ½ cup of shredded jack (or cheddar) cheese
7. 1/3 cup of shredded Parmesan
8. 1 JALAPEÑO chopped into thin round slices
9. 3 potatoes
10. 2 coarsely chopped green onions (optional, not pictured)

Step 1

Preheat the oven to 475 degrees F.  Create the potato skin glaze by mixing the olive oil, paprika, salt, pepper, and Parmesan in a bowl.

tater-skins-glaze

Step 2

Wash the potatoes thoroughly, and then cut them in half and scoop out the centers with a spoon, leaving the skins in tact.  Place the 6 potato skins in a greased baking pan, apply the glaze evenly over all and toss them in the oven to bake (approx 7 minutes).  Pull the pan out of the oven and flip the skins over and bake until they brown (approx 7 minutes).  Flip the skins back over and throw in the jalapeños (and green onions if you wish) and cover them with cheese. Toss the skins back in the oven until the cheese melts (approx 2 minutes).  Serve those bad boys up on a plate with sour cream and if you are feeling bold, GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE.

tater-skins-halve-scoop-brush-bake-stuff

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ARTICHOKE PARTY POKE BRUSCHETTA

March 30, 2016
You wanna bang?  Artichokey Dokey!

You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!

Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party?  Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red?  Bruschetta to the rescue!  It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing.  Did I mention how simple it is to prepare?  You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing.  Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet.  Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point.  Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants.  Abra-bang-dabra!

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

bruschetta prepIngredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings.  Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
bruschetta bread
Step 2
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
bruschetta spread
Step 3
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice.  Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
bruschetta drop sprinklebruschetta drop served

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REVERSE COWGIRL EGGS

March 7, 2016
Ride these eggs Reverse Cowgirl style, YIPPY KI YI YAY!

Ride these eggs Reverse Cowgirl style, YIPPY KI YI YAY!

Howdy, pardners!  You look hungry after wrestling all morning with them coyote uglies.  I reckon you could do with a little breakfast before you herd them little doggies into that there pen.  Pull yerself up round that campfire, eat my sexy version of cowboy eggs and I’ll tell some tall tales about them crazy cowgirls in Dodge City.  These girls will holler at the moon and love nothing more than to be ridden hard and put away wet.  I reckon y’all know what I mean so you best get on that Pony Express and get yerself a piece before Wild Bill and his men cock-block you.  This here recipe came about when I had my own cowgirl who wanted something quick before dragging me back up to the saloon bedroom for more of the same.  We done did hide out all morning, afternoon and night and that sheriff never got his mangy paws on me.  Thanks to her, I lived to tell this story and feed you my wake-me-up special.  Yee-haw!

Total time: approximately 4 minutes
Projected cost: $2
Drinking Buddy: These are usually morning meal, so OJ or mimosas will do.

cowboy-eggs-prepIngredients (per dish):
1. 2 eggs
2. 2 thick slices of bread (recommend Texas Toast)
3. salt to taste
4. ½ an avocado
5. black pepper to taste
6. 1 teaspoon of butter

Step 1
Use a large bottle cap (like for juice) and put a hole into the middle of each slice of bread.  Melt the butter in a pan on medium heat and then throw in the bread.
cowboy-eggs-bread-hole
Step 2
Crack an egg into the center of each hole.  Sprinkle the desired amount of salt and pepper on each egg (approx 2 minutes).  Once the egg whites start to escape and harden from under the bread, flip them and cook the other side making sue the yolk is still soft in the middle (approx 1-2 minutes).  Serve it up on a plate with the side you cooked first up, its much prettier, and crown with avocado slices.  Serve with bacon or hot sauce if you like.
cowboy-eggs-cook

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VALENTINES DOOMSDAY

February 14, 2016
Taste the love!

Taste the love!

The day is upon us. Tis a day so loaded with sentiment and expectation that you can cut the anxiety with a knife. The romantically inclined celebrate V Day as if you combined the significance of Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah, Quanza, New Years and Groundhog Day. A single rose or the karats in a diamond become more important than the cures for cancer, the failing economy and erectile dysfunction. It CAN be a beautiful thing.

But I advise the players out there to turn off your phone, unplug your computer and, if necessary, fake your own death. Get off the grid for a few days. Let the Romantic Armageddon pass you by while you play Nintendo in your fallout shelter. Otherwise you are inviting a shit-storm by being disingenuous. What’s the point? The consequences will extend way past February and may involve a restraining order because your car brakes were cut. There are 364 other days to get laid without propping up your carnal connection as genuine lovemaking.

All cynicism aside, Valentines Day provides an amazing opportunity to COOK TO BANG. Sure you can go to some fancy restaurant. But why? You’ll drop your whole paycheck on the check for overpriced, crappy food and service. And that’s if you can even get a reservation. Keep it casual at your place and you are sure to have a great meal, plus round upon round of monkey sex. The extra effort you put into cooking something exceptional from scratch will demonstrate you truly do care, even if you don’t. With that in mind, below are some CTB favorites that will send the right message, whatever that message might be:

“SORRY I HAD A THREESOME WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND AND SISTER.”
So you messed up big time. Wipe the smirk off your face because now that you’ve gone to heaven, you have to crawl your way out of hell. It’s time to pull out the big guns and prove that you deserve a second, third or tenth chance:
FLAT ON YOUR BACK FLATBREAD PIZZA
PORTOBELLO BORDELLO
PINCH YOUR ASS-BERRY BROWNIES

“IF IT WASN’T VALENTINES DAY I WOULD HAVE DUMPED YOU ALREADY.”
You meant to end things before Christmas, but you thought that seemed cruel. Then their cat died in January. So now it’s V Day and while their voice makes you want to go postal, you must bide your time before you say adieu. Go for the bare minimum, but try to avoid the inevitable nagging and save yourself a few bucks for when you become single:
SU-SWEATY BALLS-O-YAY!
LET’S BANG S’MORE

“YOU’RE JUST A BOOTIE CALL”
Same sentiment as above. This person falls into the category “If You Don’t Love Somebody, Love the One You’re With.” Bootie calls are a fragile relationship. They haven’t met your friends and family for good reason. Don’t give the impression they ever will. But at the same time, don’t ever let that on, even if it seems obvious since you have never called them before 11pm:
TOMATILLOS PARA MIS AMIGOS BENEFICIOS
KISS MY PEANUT BUTTER TITTIES

“HAVE WE REALLY BEEN DATING FOR 4 YEARS?”
Yes, I’m afraid so. Clearly this relationship is an extended fling you both have just gotten used to. But that doesn’t mean you can just opt out of this most romantic of days. And since you are clearly just going through the motions, try this menu out. You might just eke out a little pleasure-free sport-fucking.
YES WE CAN-TALOUPE!
SUCK-ULENT SUSHI SINWICH
LECHEROUS LEMON BARS

“I KICKED EVERYONE ELSE TO THE CURB FOR YOU.”
So you are a reformed player now. You burned your black book, canceled your Internet dating account, and said goodbye to your stable of sexpots. The person you are with is just that much better than those other bimbos/mimbos. Show them how you feel with a menu that says “You’re worth not having great sex with a different person every night.”
TAP THAT ASS-PARAGUS SOUP
BEGGIN’ FOR BACON WRAPPED SCALLOPS
BALLS-ON-IT BALSAMIC STRAWBERRIES

“WE JUST STARTED DATING, BUT I REALLY REALLY DIG YOU!”
Head over heels, are we? Glad to hear it. It’s time to show them just how spectacular they are. Clearly this relationship is new and you don’t want to come on too strong. But you want to plant seeds that will blossom into two trees intertwined. So dazzle them without overwhelming them with a little culinary flare.
DON’T ARTICHOKE YOUR CHICKEN
MISO HORNY COD
DOUBLE DIP THE TIP IN CHOCOLATE

“WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
It’s time to pop the question. You’re thinking, “So what if proposing on Valentines Day is cliché?” Forget the haters, put your player days behind you, and get on your knees…after you serve up something special.
CAMBODIAN LOVE ROLLS
SMACK MY BISQUE UP
MACKA-DADDY-A CRUSTED AHI WITH PONZU ISRAELI COUSCOUS
STROKE MY BANANA FOSTER

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TAP THAT ASPARAGUS SOUP

January 22, 2016
Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Ass-ential aphrodisiac for the lustfully-challenged.

Soup’s sex appeal is often underestimated because it’s generally associated with cans of Campbell’s.  Yes it’s functional and generally quite good for you, but ingredients make the difference.  Enter asparagus, an aphrodisiac and natural Viagra.  17th Century UK naturalist Nicholas Culpepper said asparagus could “stir up lust in man and woman.”  The magical vegetable is loaded with potassium and Vitamin A that boost sex drives and the folic acid produces histamines that increase the power of an orgasm.  So if history, health and sex aren’t motivating factors, consider that it tastes bloody amazing.  Throw in some seafood and you are ready to rock ‘til the break of dawn.  I made this dish the other night for a lady I’m fond of and neither of us was left with blue balls, culinary or otherwise.  Round 1 was shortly followed by Round 2, 3 and on and on. Read the rest of this entry »


PANTY PLUNDER CUCUMBER SALAD

January 20, 2016

X marks the G-spot

Arrr! Ahoy, maties! I spot a hard body off the starboard bow! Land ho (or was that hos?)! We shall not rest until we collect all the doubloons in their pantaloons. Plunder everything you can before we make off into the night. We shall woo them with our finest spices traded from the far East. The healthier, shinier, and tastier the treasure, the better! If you don’t like your captain’s skullduggery, walk the plank!

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