GOING GREEK SALAD

September 5, 2014
Once you go Greek, you don't go back...unless you're squeamish

Once you go Greek, you don’t go back…unless you’re squeamish

The Greeks sure know how to live. They have amazing islands, beautiful tan people and ouzo that pours out of every faucet. Seriously. I actually took an ouzo shower in Mykonos. But the shower was in a club and my Greek friends were pouring it over my head. My first thought was I had pissed off one of the girls by telling her she looks like the homely older sister of the goddess Athena. Thankfully this goddess-like mortal didn’t lose my sarcasm in translation. The ouzo shower was her mating call. Naturally the boorish American read it wrong thinking I had offended her. Believe it or not, that happens a lot. It took a few more alcoholic hosings and a passionate kiss on the dance floor to finally get it. I was crystal clear as the Mediterranean Sea when she led me down to the beach like a Trojan horse. Now I fully comprehend what it means to go Greek. Interesting. What’s also interesting is the island nation’s produce. Super healthy, tasty Greek Salads will fuel many ouzo shower-filled evenings. Do Zeus proud and go Greek! Read the rest of this entry »


CTB CRITIQUE OPEN LETTER

September 30, 2009
Dying for your sins one bang at a time.

Banging for your sins.

Cook to Bang gets its share of criticism (and praise) in the form of e-mails, comments and flaming bags of dog feces left on my porch. Some people think my food photographs are sub-par (I’m not a pro photographer, guys!), others say I use too many avocados (If loving avocados is wrong, I don’t want to be right!), and a few find my silly little blog “morally bankrupt.” But on the rare occasion, I receive critiques that inspire me to respond…via open letter. I received this gem last week for you to peruse, plus, with full disclosure, I’ve been on road for a month doing the CTB HOME INVASIONS tour and have run out of photographed recipes:

I appreciated the cooking suggestion for petit pan squash, but was saddened to hear your cavalier attitude toward sex. I realize it was probably partially “tongue in cheek”, but at the same time reveals that like many people, you have no concept of God’s intention for sex. He designed it as the expression of an intimate loving and trustworthy, committed relationship, (HIs ideal of marriage). Without this relationship, you’re missing the whole point and sadly hurting yourself and others in the process.

I get to see the fall-out all the time.

I will end this bit of entertainment for you, which I probably shouldn’t have wasted my time on, but just in case some part of you is listening…try reading the book of Proverbs.

Sent sincerely,

Beth

Beth,

First, I want to thank you for taking the time to post a thoughtful challenge to my internet antics. Clearly, we disagree on a number of subjects and I am sorry if my “cavalier attitude towards sex” saddens you. But we both love food, so that’s a start. I can assure you that my THEIR LOSS GRILLED SQUASH recipe has led to many sessions of pre-marital sex, both my own and my readers.

I am a blaspheming, fornicating hedonist who takes your lord’s name in vain on a daily basis. But I was raised Christian and spent my childhood in Sunday school reading the bible until my eyes bled. I respect people’s religious beliefs, which includes the countless religions that regard Jesus as merely a man with great PR skills. Having read Proverbs along with rest of the stories in the Old and New Testament, I dismiss it all as a cute fairy tale with awesome violence sequences and a megaton of begatting. I acknowledge your point that promoting delicious, promiscuous behavior may hurt people medically if they’re too stupid to use protection, but bringing a work of fiction like the Bible into the argument just doesn’t jive. Granted this God fellow you speak of created sex to bring people closer together. But what of the ancient religions of Mesopotamia, Egypt, Greece, Aztecs and so forth that viewed fornicating as a way of getting closer to their respective makers?

The intent of this website is to help people lacking cash, looks and/or game to get their freak on by cooking. If they laugh, that’s an added bonus. I like to think this a community service for the younger, poorer versions of myself that couldn’t get laid in a Tijuana whorehouse wearing a suit made of $100 bills. Cook To Bang works just as well to aid people in sexless marriages to thaw the ice between their partners’ legs. Perhaps you are not my target audience. But I welcome your readership, even if you are merely condemning my fallen generation. Do me a favor: pray for me as I continue to cook and bang recklessly with a wicked smile from ear to ear.

With love stained with questionable fluids,

The Chef

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