ARTICHOKE PARTY POKE BRUSCHETTA

March 30, 2016
You wanna bang?  Artichokey Dokey!

You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!

Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party?  Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red?  Bruschetta to the rescue!  It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing.  Did I mention how simple it is to prepare?  You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing.  Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet.  Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point.  Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants.  Abra-bang-dabra!

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

bruschetta prepIngredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings.  Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
bruschetta bread
Step 2
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
bruschetta spread
Step 3
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice.  Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
bruschetta drop sprinklebruschetta drop served

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BURRATA GOTTA LOTTA PEPPERS

January 6, 2016

Gotta lotta burrata to fatha

Some things in life just belong together. Dog and bone; man and woman; anal sex and lube. The sum is way more awesome than the parts. Can you imagine the Olympics without the ski and snowboard events? The very notion makes me shudder. That’s how I feel about creamy, dreamy burrata mozzarella. This majestic dairy product was hand delivered by Jesus, Buddha, and Mohammed on a cloud made of chocolate and feathers. But as good as burrata is, without some sort of tasty wingman, it’s like eating caking frosting in the dark alone on a Saturday night (been there, it ain’t pretty). Tomatoes are the natural go to for most lovers of the CAPRESE SALAD and all things Italian. But clearly those well intentioned, but uninitiated have never enjoyed roasted red peppers with their burrata. I am willing to overlook this infraction, but now you have no excuse. Each bite is like a millions tiny angels tickling your balls or breasts. Heaven is calling your name, my friends! Read the rest of this entry »


POKE YER PICCATA

July 14, 2015

chicken-piccata-served2I see you poking around my business.  You could at least buy me dinner first.  Or better yet, cook for me!  Make me some Italian comfort food and I might just put out.  No promises though.  You still have to woo me. But just want to put it out there that poking my piccata is a possibility.  Just play it cool and don’t act a fool.  Behold this simplified and slightly healthier version of the chicken piccata that takes all of 20 minutes to whip up for who ever is down.  This recipe was born after a particularly exhausting round of bedroom acrobatics that left my tantric trapeze partner and I famished.  I recreated my favorite piccata dish from my childhood using repressed memories and innovation.  Thank god for those frozen chicken breasts stuck to the bottom of my freezer.  That protein boosted me back into top form for another round of aerial maneuvering around the bedroom.  To this day, I have no idea why there are clowns and a lion tamer in my bedroom.  I’m not THAT kinky! Read the rest of this entry »


MUY MACHO PAPAYA GAZPACHO

July 7, 2015

Sweet, spicy, totally macho.

I know what you’re thinking. How could a cold fruity summer soup be so macho? I’m glad you asked. The flavors don’t dance delicately like a ballerina upon your tongue. Fuck no! They river-dance to speed metal all over that tongue of yours with more flavors than you can shake your genitals at. Walls will bust open like the Kool-Aid Man’s back for revenge. Your date won’t wait for permission to ravish you. Mediterranean nymphs shan’t flutter, but grind into your ears with rubber mini-skirts. Does that answer your question? Read the rest of this entry »


GOING GREEK SALAD

September 5, 2014
Once you go Greek, you don't go back...unless you're squeamish

Once you go Greek, you don’t go back…unless you’re squeamish

The Greeks sure know how to live. They have amazing islands, beautiful tan people and ouzo that pours out of every faucet. Seriously. I actually took an ouzo shower in Mykonos. But the shower was in a club and my Greek friends were pouring it over my head. My first thought was I had pissed off one of the girls by telling her she looks like the homely older sister of the goddess Athena. Thankfully this goddess-like mortal didn’t lose my sarcasm in translation. The ouzo shower was her mating call. Naturally the boorish American read it wrong thinking I had offended her. Believe it or not, that happens a lot. It took a few more alcoholic hosings and a passionate kiss on the dance floor to finally get it. I was crystal clear as the Mediterranean Sea when she led me down to the beach like a Trojan horse. Now I fully comprehend what it means to go Greek. Interesting. What’s also interesting is the island nation’s produce. Super healthy, tasty Greek Salads will fuel many ouzo shower-filled evenings. Do Zeus proud and go Greek! Read the rest of this entry »


POLENTA THEIR PANTS OFF

April 7, 2014
Polenta them down, all the way to the ground.

Polenta them down, all the way to the ground.

Sometimes you have to take decisive action to get your freak on.  That means going all in like in a high stakes game of poker and laying it all on the line.  Well, perhaps that analogy is wrong.  In fact, this recipe makes the art of culinary seduction seem easy.  Polenta screams out classy and sophisticated.  Just accept the compliment and go with it.  Let the aphrodisiac double threat (black beans & avocado) and rich collection of textures speak for you.  Don’t fret.  The pants will come off like some freaky scientific mystery.  I’ll give you a hint about the science: good food = great sex.  And critics say this site is not educational! Read the rest of this entry »


BREAK YOUR HEARTY PASTA

December 3, 2009

Each noodle is a thread of attraction sliding down their throat into their hearts.

Pasta was my love long before I appreciated the finer foods.  From the get-go, I slarped down cans of Chef Boyardee pasta letters, crazy for carbs.  You can imagine my frustration over the Atkins zombies ruining food for the rest of us. They don’t understand the rudimentary equation for health: balance of diet and exercise. Therefore their unhealthy dismissal of carbohydrates, the item most essential to early civilization development, makes the pasta pimp in me prep my hand for a bitch-slap.  Pasta gets me off.  It’s that simple. I need hearty fuel to keep me charging ahead when it’s cold and miserable outside.  How else am I going to keep myself charging through the day and make it through to another exhausting evening of cooking to bang?  There are too many hearts to break to get weak and mopey due to lack of premium gas pasta power. Your date will be equally stoked for the hearty comfort…unless they are an Atkins freak. Those folks are more likely to smothers their bun-free burger in cow’s blood and howl at the full moon.  FYI- Werewolves are hot in the sack, but my doctor says the claw marks dug into my back will probably scar.  Let this be a warning to Cook To Bang’s Team Jacob readers.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, sucka! Lots of it.

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 28-OZ can of crushed tomatoes
3. 1 kale bunch
4. 1 radish bunch with stalks/leaves
5. 1 tsp parsley flakes
6. 2 dashes salt
7. 2 sausages chopped into bite-sized pieces
8. Parmesan to taste
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
10. ½ lb whole wheat spaghetti

Step 1
While the spaghetti boils, complete steps 2 & 3. Once al dente, drain and mix in the complete sauce and crown with Parmesan, as you like.

Step 2
Wash the radishes, chopping the stocks and leaves into smaller pieces. Cut off the ends of the radish and slice into bite-sized rounds. Wash the kale too and cut into smaller pieces.

Step 3
Sauté the garlic and radishes in a stockpot until they soften (approx 5 min).  Add the radish leaves and kale and cook until they wilt like spinach (approx 3 min).  Push the sautéed veggies to one side and sauté the sausages until they brown (approx 3 min).  Pour in the tomato can, using a blunt object to pulverize them even further.  Spice the sauce with salt and parsley flakes, slow simmer until the pasta is ready, and then go back to Step 1.

This heartiest of hearty pastas goes great with GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD. More carbs, yay!

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