TOFU TACO TANGO

October 26, 2015
Wango Tango Bango!

Wango Tango Bango!

The tango is an Argentinean dance unparalleled in its complexity.  Yet it is oh so much more than an awesome way to sweep someone off their feet in Buenos Aires.  The seductive essence of tango runs deep in all things done with panache.  You can tango on the tennis court, in the kitchen, and most decisively in the bedroom.  Tango requires skill, passion and attitude unparalleled.  But you are clearly clever enough since you are reading this.  Pulling off a culinary seduction tango should be no more difficult than unsnapping a bra.   So invite over the vivacious vegetarian, or vegan if you have the patience, or just someone sexy who likes fabulous food.  Keep that rose in your teeth as you serenade them from the dining room to the bedroom.  Bravo!  Bravo! Read the rest of this entry »


ROUND 2 SALMON SALAD

August 12, 2015
One good bang deserves another.

One good bang deserves another.

Sometimes the second round of banging can top the first. Sure it isn’t as fresh as the first kill (figuratively speaking, Rambo) during a conquest. But your sexy time date’s flavor sets in a little and becomes familiar and welcoming. Soon you will be reaching for them on a regular basis, happy for more of the same. While I’m enjoying my salad days where I’m sampling everything at the buffet before I get serious about one dish, I see the appeal. It’s like that perfect slice of fish that you can’t pass up in favor of the juicy chicken cordon bleu. The same rules apply with this salad. I grilled an outstanding slab of salmon for party of 20 (sorry I didn’t document) and ended up with a fridge full of leftovers. Adding the salmon to the salad was almost an afterthought, like banging the person sleeping next to you while you’re half asleep. Good thing for that. This salad satisfied the hungry girl from the party who stayed the night…and half the next day.

simple salmon salad prepTotal time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Chardonnay or an Arnold Palmer (w/ vodka if you’re hardcore)

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp of feta cheese
2. 1 cucumber sliced thinly
3. 1 tbsp vinegar (chef’s choice)
4. 1 tbsp lemon juice
5. 1 tbsp olive oil
6. 2 massive handfuls romaine lettuce chopped coarsely
7. ½ onion chopped finely
8. 1 carrot peeled, sliced thinly
9. 2 handfuls leftover SALMON
10. 1 handful kalamata olives

Step 1
Create the dressing by mixing up the onion, olive oil, vinegar and lemon juice.
simple salmon salad dressing copy
Step 2
Toss the lettuce, cucumber, carrots, de-pitted olives and dressing.
simple salmon salad toss
Step 3
Spoon plates of salad and crown with the salmon and feta cheese
simple salmon salad toppings
Serve up the salad solo, or with a SINWICH or SOUP or both!
simple salmon salad served 2

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GOING GREEK SALAD

September 5, 2014
Once you go Greek, you don't go back...unless you're squeamish

Once you go Greek, you don’t go back…unless you’re squeamish

The Greeks sure know how to live. They have amazing islands, beautiful tan people and ouzo that pours out of every faucet. Seriously. I actually took an ouzo shower in Mykonos. But the shower was in a club and my Greek friends were pouring it over my head. My first thought was I had pissed off one of the girls by telling her she looks like the homely older sister of the goddess Athena. Thankfully this goddess-like mortal didn’t lose my sarcasm in translation. The ouzo shower was her mating call. Naturally the boorish American read it wrong thinking I had offended her. Believe it or not, that happens a lot. It took a few more alcoholic hosings and a passionate kiss on the dance floor to finally get it. I was crystal clear as the Mediterranean Sea when she led me down to the beach like a Trojan horse. Now I fully comprehend what it means to go Greek. Interesting. What’s also interesting is the island nation’s produce. Super healthy, tasty Greek Salads will fuel many ouzo shower-filled evenings. Do Zeus proud and go Greek! Read the rest of this entry »


VIA BANGRIA

August 17, 2012

Via Bangria via mi cama

This recipe comes from Mandy in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. We had to include a boozy recipe with summer finally here. Mandy writes:

Sangria in summer is necessary for me as the free clinic is to a hooker. I can’t live without some cold fruity wine as the sun beats down. The best way to enjoy it is with as little clothing as possible. No clothing is best. There’s no better way to cool you down after stick summer sex. Plus you can pick out the fruit and eat them off your play pal. The best part of this recipe is that it’s a portable party for backyard BBQs, pool parties, or orgies. Read the rest of this entry »


BEET YO-GURT-LE OFF SALAD

November 11, 2009
beet yo-gurt-le served

Beet it because they need it!

Girdles are the absolute worst!  I find clothing abhorrent. If nudist colonies weren’t of the fugly side of life, I might join them.  So I settle with having a no-clothes policy in my house.  My friends thinks it’s a little weird, but my late night companions don’t seem to spend an evening playing Nintendo Wii tennis naked.  You ain’t seen nothing until you spy with your little eye naughty bits flying around hitting a video backhand.  But clothes are a mandated part of polite society so I settle for accessorizing.  One accessory I cannot abide by is the girdle.  Do we really need more obstacles to get through?  At least the bra and panty line of defense is a pleasure to view at while sneaking behind enemy lines.  Luckily this salad is healthy and with repeat meals could reduce the reason for the same fuglies at the nudist colony to ever wear a girdle when they begrudgingly go to work dressed.  Chock the flavor and cool red staining effect from the beets foreplay.

beet yo-gurt-le prepTotal time: approximately 1 hour
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: SLUTTY TEMPLE, red and slutty is the theme

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 4 tbsp Greek yogurt
2. 1 dash salt
3. 3 2 large BEETS with stocks and leaves
4. Lemon juice to taste

Step 1
First chop away the stocks from the beets.  Wash the stocks/leaves thoroughly.  Chop away and seperate the stocks from the leaves, cutting them both smaller.
beet yo-gurt-le chop
Step 2
Submerge the beets and stocks in boiling water and cook until you can easily penetrate the beets with a fork (approx 30 min).  Drain the water and throw the beets and stock in ice water. Remove the boiled stocks and add them to the chopped beet leaves.  Once the beets are cool, you can easily remove the skin before you slice them into thin rounds.
beet yo-gurt-le boil
Step 3
Assemble your salad by laying a foundation of leaves/stocks, artfully place the beet rounds above, and smother the money shot of yogurt on top of each plate’s face. Squeeze a little lemon juice for some extra tang.
beet yo-gurt-le assemble
Serve this salad after a weekend of sexcess.
beet yo-gurt-le served 2

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PITY PARTY PITA BREAKFAST

September 3, 2009
Pity Party table for one?

Pity Party table for one?

No, it’s not your pity party and you can’t cry if you want unless you like public ridicule.  So you struck out last night.  In spite of your best efforts to woo, you still slept alone last night.  Don’t be so mopey. It happens to all of us. A little slump now and again will make you appreciate your mojo all the more.  Still, you deserve a little romance.  We all deserve to feel special.  In sexual bear markets, cook to bang yourself.  You know that at least you will put out to you.  Cook yourself a fine ass breakfast after a passionate night with that sexy bastard in the mirror.  Who loves you?

Total time: approximately 6 minutes

Projected cost: $5

Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

pity party pita breakfast prepIngredients (serves 2):

1. 1 large pita

2. 1 dash salt

3. 1 dash black pepper

4. 1 tbsp olive oil

5. 3 eggs

6. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly

7. 1 small handful feta cheese

8. 1 small handful chopped parsley

9. 1 tomato chopped coarsely

10. 1 onion chopped coarsely

Step 1

Beat the eggs with salt, pepper and parsley.

pity party pita breakfast beat

Step 2

Sauté the onion in olive oil (approx 2 min).  Dump the eggs into the pan and scramble (approx 3 min), crowning it with the feta cheese.

pity party pita breakfast scramble

Step 3

Split the pita in half and open up the middle.  Stuff half the eggs into each, followed by the tomato and avocado.

pity party pita breakfast assemble

Serve these with a side of SALSA if you’re feeling a little caliente.

pity party pita breakfast served

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WHATEVER WAS IN THE FRIDGE SALAD

June 4, 2009
Whatever, however, whoever.  Just Cook To Bang.

Whatever, however, whoever. Just Cook To Bang.

Admittedly, this salad’s title kind of blows.  Not even with the steroids I scored from Manny Ramirez can I always bat 1000.  But this salad neither blew nor sucked.  It was totally off the hook yet totally unplanned. I found out way too late that the young lady who came over for dinner was a militant vegetarian.  Something about a misdemeanor for chaining herself to a fur coat store in college. Note to self: stop picking up girls at yoga class.  The killer SALMON DISH that is a shoe-in CTB was well out. But the consolation prize was she loved feta cheese.  So into the fridge I went and in a moment of panic grabbed everything that looked like feta-friendly.  The salad before you is whatever was in the fridge and it was awesome.  My hippie crusader chained herself to my bed to protest us running out.

Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: SLUTTY TEMPLE

such sumptuous salad prepIngredients:
1. ½ head of romaine lettuce
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 pinch of herbs de Provence
4. 1 handful of kalamata olives
5. ½ lemon
6. 2 endives
7. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
8. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
9. 1 steamed red BEET sliced thinly
10. Steamed ASPARAGUS
11. 1 small handful of feta cheese (leave out to make vegan)

Step 1
First you must prep the vegetables. Break the romaine lettuce apart every two inches and wash it all.  Slice up the endives every inch or so.  Also cut the asparagus every inch or so.
such sumptuous salad chop
Step 2
Combine the sliced endives, romaine lettuce, tomatoes, beets, olives, crumbled feta cheese, Herbs de Provence, olive oil, and lemon juice in a large bowl.  Toss that salad like a pro.such sumptuous salad mix
Serve it up to even the crunchiest of guests.
such sumptuous salad served 2

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