March 30, 2016
You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!
Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party? Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red? Bruschetta to the rescue! It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing. Did I mention how simple it is to prepare? You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing. Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet. Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point. Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants. Abra-bang-dabra!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings. Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice. Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
June 22, 2015
Lox me up, because otherwide, I'd break these chains and ravage anything in my sight.
With Valentines Day creeping in like a ninja assassin, you better be ready with you’re A-game if you are seeing someone you like. It’s make or break time that will define where this relationship of yours will progress towards. If you don’t like them all that much, might I suggest a vacation far far away. You don’t want to be anywhere near town with a clinger you’re about to retire. But those of you lucky enough to have that one person you would gladly Cook To Bang every night, you need to start Valentine’s Day off right. There are few better approaches than breakfast in bed. Cliche it may be, but effective at not only dropping panties, but also keeping them off for long gaps of time it is. This fancy scramble from the future us perfect for sending the message that, ìNot only do I enjoy banging you, but also listening to you talk while we eat breakfast together.î If that is not true love, I weep for the future. Read the rest of this entry »
January 19, 2015
A great man had a dream of equality for all. His dream of race relations improving and opportunities open to all was noble and superhuman. The fact Martin Luther King, Jr. helped usher in a better world is beyond question. But don’t worry; here at Cook To Bang we aren’t kidding ourselves comparing the culinary seduction movement to the civil rights era. It is however a civil right to cook and bang freely. So I thank all those who came before that made this hedonism possible. See I had a dream too. My dream did not consist of me speaking to a crowd 100,000 deep at the Washington Memorial. I dreamt that my younger self and those similarly clueless would figure out that they did not have to go home alone while D-bags that look like extras from the Jersey Shore bang the beautiful. In this unfathomable dream, average guys and girls like me could use their charm and skills in the kitchen to enable us to show off our skills in the bedroom. Would MLK be proud with his love of collard greens? I’d like to think yes he would be. History will be the ultimate decider. Read the rest of this entry »
September 5, 2014
Once you go Greek, you don’t go back…unless you’re squeamish
The Greeks sure know how to live. They have amazing islands, beautiful tan people and ouzo that pours out of every faucet. Seriously. I actually took an ouzo shower in Mykonos. But the shower was in a club and my Greek friends were pouring it over my head. My first thought was I had pissed off one of the girls by telling her she looks like the homely older sister of the goddess Athena. Thankfully this goddess-like mortal didn’t lose my sarcasm in translation. The ouzo shower was her mating call. Naturally the boorish American read it wrong thinking I had offended her. Believe it or not, that happens a lot. It took a few more alcoholic hosings and a passionate kiss on the dance floor to finally get it. I was crystal clear as the Mediterranean Sea when she led me down to the beach like a Trojan horse. Now I fully comprehend what it means to go Greek. Interesting. What’s also interesting is the island nation’s produce. Super healthy, tasty Greek Salads will fuel many ouzo shower-filled evenings. Do Zeus proud and go Greek! Read the rest of this entry »
August 5, 2013
Fellas, say this when you serve it up, “Soy Senor Grande Magnifico!”
After you CTB for a while, you get immune to the awe-inspired praise. Deliver the two primal pleasures in large quantities and you will have them brainwashed. Wielding the culinary seduction skills of a wizard has its advantages. You are in control, literally dishing out doses of delight turns you into the banging equivalent of a crack dealer. Intense rushes of ìoohsî and ìahsî are dealt like vials of culinary crack on the playground. Your chosen playpal(s) will be unable to resist you whenever you lead them by the hand into your kitchen. Culinary crack hos they will soon become. This aphrodisiac triple-threat is the perfect first taste that will leave them begging for their next fix. Read the rest of this entry »
April 8, 2013
The steaks are high. If we don’t bang, the world could exxxplode.
Upping the ante is the best way to take things from zero to banging. Like when the odds are against you in a hand of POKER, a little bluster counts for a lot. My process is to continually top my previous culinary efforts. Not only do my dates appreciate it, my skills improve more by the day. Go all in with your meal. They will swoon and you will collect that POKER BONUS. Meeting the expectation of cooking something nice isn’t enough for me. If it’s not exceptional enough to be remembered when they’re old and gray, I am doing something wrong. The Cook To Bang legacy must be etched into their sub-conscious and passed down through the generations like alcoholism. All food they taste after, even in Michelin 3 Star restaurants, should taste like sand flavored with sewage. Only then can I relax, a job well done. Sure I could have just made a salad, or drunkenly eat the leftover steak cold out of the fridge. But then I’d have to look at myself in the mirror knowing I was a disappointment to my family, friends, and even my pets. Read the rest of this entry »
August 4, 2011
Lox to do, lox-a-million
There comes a time in your life where you need to stake your claim. Lox it down! Usually we do it on top of mountains or when you buy a new house. But what about staking a claim in someone’s heart (or pants)? You have to flip their script to make that happen. That’s where the CTB method becomes in essential. Whipping up a gourmet classic will win the hearts and loins. Create the right dish for the right person at right time and you have a devotee on your hand. Be careful because they might get hooked on you. Then you might have a Stage-5 clinger who would rob a armored car for you. This slice of Yiddish awesome is one such dish. Your luck with Israelis in particular will go up 1000% when you bring this classic Jewish dish into the mix. With that many beautiful nationals, you’d be well served to whip some up stat! Read the rest of this entry »
June 1, 2009
Salmon? C'mon and on and on!
You want me to stop this COOK TO BANG madness? Never! Why would I when it makes the world a better-fed and less sexually frustrated place? The mayor of Bangor, Maine just gave me the key to the city. I handed him a secret recipe to bring some sexual healing back into his marriage. Apparently banging has returned to Bangor. I don’t like to think of myself as a hero, more of a civil servant. CTB is a community service that is no way court ordered from a conviction for public indecency when I broke into Martha Stewart’s kitchen while she was in the slammer and broadcast my own cooking and banging demonstrations. All three of those girls were legal, consensual and it was their idea! Anyway…it’s good to be commended instead of condemned. And with that, I give you this epically delicious salmon recipe that will keep you banging on and on and…you get the picture.
Recipe courtesy of publishing scion STEVE TOBIA.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $21
Drinking Buddy: White wine
Ingredients (for two, w/ leftovers for lunch):
1. 1 tbsp of vegetable oil
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. 1 heavy dashes of CHILI powder
4. 2 dashes of black pepper
5. 1 dash of garlic powder
6. 1 dash of Cajun seasoning
7. 1 small jar of capers
8. 2 dashes of Old Bay seasoning
9. 1 container full of chopped mushrooms
10. 1 container of cherry tomatoes
11. 1 red onion chopped finely
12. 1 pound slab of SALMON
Preheat the oven to broil. Season up the salmon slab on an baking sheet with garlic powder, black pepper, Cajun seasoning and chili powder. Throw the fish in the oven.
Create the sauce by sautéing the onions and mushrooms on high heat with 1 tbsp of oil with some black pepper (approx 4 min). Add in the tomatoes and sauté them with the white wine until they get soft (approx 4 min). Use the back of a spoon to pop each cherry…tomato. Turn the heat down low and simmer the tomatoes with the capers until the fish is ready.
Keep the fish in the oven until the pan is searing hot and the seasoning has blackened on top (approx 20 min). Remove the pan from oven and smother it with the sauce, which will sizzle like crazy. Turn off the heat and throw the fish back into the oven, doors closed and let the sauce settle in (approx 15 min).
Serve up on a plate with some GROIN GRABBING GRILLED VEGGIES or GARLIC GOING ON MASHED POTATOES.