The way I look at it, anyone foolish enough to turn me down for sex is only punishing themselves. They will spend the rest of their lives wondering “what if?” while hearing field reports from their friends and family members how amazing I am in the kitchen and sack. No hard feelings on my end. Their loss is another girl’s gain. I (you) will bang plenty of strange over the course of my (your) cooking and banging career. Instead of kicking a can down the street in humiliation, I laugh off rejection and learn from my mistakes. Perhaps I was too pushy, not pushy enough, wasn’t wearing nice enough shoes, or perhaps my devastating good looks and devilish charm brought our their insecurities. Whatever the case may be, I adjust my approach as needed for the next date who understands how idiotic turning me down would be. The same rules apply with these squash I picked up from the farmer market along with a girl shopping for fresh berries. We combined our wares in more ways than one. Neither of lost because we seized the goddamn day! Read the rest of this entry »
THEIR LOSS GRILLED SQUASHJune 26, 2013
SQUASHTACULARNovember 9, 2009
Some knucklehead who probably hasn’t seen a naked woman since his subscription to National Geographic ran out told me squash ain’t sexy. Granted it doesn’t pack the same luscious sex appeal as an oyster or fig, but damnit, squash has gotten me laid plenty of times. Squash is the perfect fall ingredient to prep you for the cold winter that lies ahead. They are inexpensive, tasty and versatile as a bisexual Cirque du Soleil performer. My problem is that I keep going back to my classic squash dishes. But you gotta break out of routine, no matter how awesome that routine might be, if you hope to attain glory. This little Frankenstein’s monster brought honor to my family; my reputation as a lady-slayer stands untarnished. It was spicy, sweet and comforting all at the same time. My one caution is that this side dish very well may outclass the rest of your meal. So cook with bravado!
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Hot Cider with a splash of bourbon
Ingredients (serves 4):
1. 1 apple
2. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
3. 1 dash salt
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
6. 3 petit pan squash
7. 4 globe squash
8. 2 large handfuls shredded mozzarella
9. 3 garlic cloves sliced thinly
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Slice the ends off the globe squash and cut into thin rounds. Do the same for the petit pan squash. Toss the squash with the garlic, olive oil, cayenne pepper and salt. Lay them out in a large flat baking pan.
Core and slice up the apple into thin slices. Lay them evenly over the squash and season with cinnamon. Scatter the cheese across evenly and you’re ready to rumble.
Throw the casserole in the oven and bake until the apples and squash soften, and the cheese melts (approx 30 min).
Serve as a kickass side to any number of outstanding ENTRÉES. You could eat it solo, it’s that good.
CSA PDANovember 4, 2009
Community Supported Agriculture boxes make all my cooking and banging possible. More importantly, it makes it affordable. This is in no ways sponsored. Payola is not going on, although to tell you the truth, selling out so I can fill a hot tub full of vodka-infused Jell-O sounds pretty good right about now. I just want to get the word out to all you food lovers looking to avoid auctioning off your organs to afford shopping at Whole Foods. That place is a food strip club with a “don’t touch the girls” vibe. I’ve dropped more ducats in that store than I have on strippers, booze and other illicit contraband combined. As a food whore, it was totally worth it. But I’ve found an alternative:
I pay online ahead of time for a magical box that gets delivered to my local market. When I pick it up and take it home, I act like a giddy 80’s schoolgirl who finally got her autographed New Kids on the Block poster. What’s in the box varies week to week and never disappoints. It’s all local organic, seasonal, top-shelf produce that challenges me to create new recipes I throw on the site. Creating up with 5 new recipes every week can be= challenging. Luckily the CSA box makes decisions for me. I dropped $15 on this box and here’s what I found in it:
1. 1 pumpkin
2. 1 spaghetti squash
3. 2 eggplants
4. 1 cilantro bunch
5. 1 BASIL bunch
6. 1 kale bunch
7. 1 chard bunch
8. 3 petit pan squash
9. 2 summer squash
10. 2 yellow squash
11. 4 globe squash
12. 2 zucchini
13. 1 BEET bunch
14. 1 sugar snap pea pile
Your kidney and half your liver would be allocated to a wealthy Swiss industrialist if you bought the same goods at Whole Foods. But now you have a heap of amazing produce to turn into magnificent meals to seduce any number of sexy prospects. You’re already saving cash not taking your dates to restaurants. Imagine how much more you could save and then spend on booze and lube!
Below are some COOK TO BANG recipes directly inspired by what I found in this Foodie’s Pandora Box:
BEET YOUR MEAT SALAD
INHALE MY KALE
NEVER A BORSCHT IN THE SACK
NEVER FAIL KALE BREAKFAST
MO-ROCKIN’ MOROCCAN POTATO SALAD
PIMPIN’ PUMPKIN SOUP
SPAGHETTI SQUASH NUDEY NOODLES
SQUISHY SQUASHY CASSEROLE
THEIR LOSS GRILLED SQUASH
TWICE BANGED POTATOES
UNDRESS YO PESTO
WILD & WETTY SQUASH SPAGHETTI
CTB CRITIQUE OPEN LETTERSeptember 30, 2009
Cook to Bang gets its share of criticism (and praise) in the form of e-mails, comments and flaming bags of dog feces left on my porch. Some people think my food photographs are sub-par (I’m not a pro photographer, guys!), others say I use too many avocados (If loving avocados is wrong, I don’t want to be right!), and a few find my silly little blog “morally bankrupt.” But on the rare occasion, I receive critiques that inspire me to respond…via open letter. I received this gem last week for you to peruse, plus, with full disclosure, I’ve been on road for a month doing the CTB HOME INVASIONS tour and have run out of photographed recipes:
I appreciated the cooking suggestion for petit pan squash, but was saddened to hear your cavalier attitude toward sex. I realize it was probably partially “tongue in cheek”, but at the same time reveals that like many people, you have no concept of God’s intention for sex. He designed it as the expression of an intimate loving and trustworthy, committed relationship, (HIs ideal of marriage). Without this relationship, you’re missing the whole point and sadly hurting yourself and others in the process.
I get to see the fall-out all the time.
I will end this bit of entertainment for you, which I probably shouldn’t have wasted my time on, but just in case some part of you is listening…try reading the book of Proverbs.
First, I want to thank you for taking the time to post a thoughtful challenge to my internet antics. Clearly, we disagree on a number of subjects and I am sorry if my “cavalier attitude towards sex” saddens you. But we both love food, so that’s a start. I can assure you that my THEIR LOSS GRILLED SQUASH recipe has led to many sessions of pre-marital sex, both my own and my readers.
I am a blaspheming, fornicating hedonist who takes your lord’s name in vain on a daily basis. But I was raised Christian and spent my childhood in Sunday school reading the bible until my eyes bled. I respect people’s religious beliefs, which includes the countless religions that regard Jesus as merely a man with great PR skills. Having read Proverbs along with rest of the stories in the Old and New Testament, I dismiss it all as a cute fairy tale with awesome violence sequences and a megaton of begatting. I acknowledge your point that promoting delicious, promiscuous behavior may hurt people medically if they’re too stupid to use protection, but bringing a work of fiction like the Bible into the argument just doesn’t jive. Granted this God fellow you speak of created sex to bring people closer together. But what of the ancient religions of Mesopotamia, Egypt, Greece, Aztecs and so forth that viewed fornicating as a way of getting closer to their respective makers?
The intent of this website is to help people lacking cash, looks and/or game to get their freak on by cooking. If they laugh, that’s an added bonus. I like to think this a community service for the younger, poorer versions of myself that couldn’t get laid in a Tijuana whorehouse wearing a suit made of $100 bills. Cook To Bang works just as well to aid people in sexless marriages to thaw the ice between their partners’ legs. Perhaps you are not my target audience. But I welcome your readership, even if you are merely condemning my fallen generation. Do me a favor: pray for me as I continue to cook and bang recklessly with a wicked smile from ear to ear.
With love stained with questionable fluids,