March 9, 2016
Bob Cobb would be proud…or he might be rolling in his grave.
You can’t argue with a classic. The Cobb Salad is a staple of any lunch spot. But who says it can’t kick start a date into hyper drive? It certainly passes the health stress test with the fiber, protein and low-fat content. You almost forget how nourishing it is because each bite tastes like a magical mystery tour in your mouth. The crunch of the lettuce, creaminess of the bleu cheese, aphrodisiac avocado explosion, & meaty monkey business in the chicken and bacon all lead you to one conclusion: God-fucking-damn!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $13
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ head of romaine lettuce
2. 1 teaspoon of olive oil
3. 2 teaspoons of red wine vinegar
4. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
5. 1 teaspoon of Dijon mustard
6. 1 handful + 1 teaspoon of bleu cheese crumbled
7. 3 strips of cooked bacon
8. 1 cooked chicken breast, grilled or baked
9. 1 AVOCADO diced into bite-sized pieces
10. 1 hard-boiled egg
11. 1 tomato diced
Mix up the dressing by combining the Dijon mustard, ed wine vinegar, olive oil, black pepper and 1 teaspoon of blue cheese. Set aside.
Wash the romaine, cut off the stock, then cut bite-size pieces of lettuce, and line the bottom of a salad bowl. Throw the chopped tomato on top. Slice the egg thinly and spread them out evenly. Chop up the bacon into bits and spread it out too. Chop the chicken breast into bite-sized pieces and scatter those on top. Do the same with a handful of blue cheese and crown it all with avocado.
Serve up the plates of salad, tonging up a plateful as is. DO NOT TOSS! You want the layers of Cobb glory to shine like a Tiffany diamond. Scoop in your desired amount of dressing and let the good times roll.
February 8, 2016
The Chinese have given us so much: taoism, kung fu and food fusion.
This SALAD is so goddamn precocious. It thinks it can get away with anything because it is so nutritious and low fat. I turned my back for a second and it had already invited all its buddies over to my place for a salad tossing party. Don’t mistake me for some prude. I do a website called Cook To Bang after all. But these salads got buck wild under my roof. They drank all my booze, wore all my favorite clothes and one them took a joyride in my car. If you see a CHARRED OCTOPUSSY SALAD driving a Volvo be sure to tell it to return my wheels. But in spite of all the annoyance, I have such a soft spot for Chinese Chicken Salad that I’ll let it go. Not sure I could say the same for the COBB & BALLS SALAD.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE or Arnold Palmer…w/ vodka
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp soy sauce
2. 1 tsp sesame seeds
3. 1 tbsp HONEY
4. 1 can water chestnuts
5. 1 can/jar mandarin oranges
6. 1 tsp minced GINGER
7. 1 carrot shredded
8. 1/3 red cabbage cut in strips
9. 1/3 green cabbage cut on strips
10. 1 chicken breast
Pan-steam the chicken in a thin layer of water, flipping once (approx 15 min). Cut the meat into cubes.
Create the dressing by whisking together the soy sauce, honey, sesame seeds and ginger.
Toss the green cabbage, red cabbage, carrot, drained water chestnuts drained mandarin oranges and chicken with the dressing.
Serve up on plates for a perfect lunchtime quickie.
January 20, 2016
X marks the G-spot
Arrr! Ahoy, maties! I spot a hard body off the starboard bow! Land ho (or was that hos?)! We shall not rest until we collect all the doubloons in their pantaloons. Plunder everything you can before we make off into the night. We shall woo them with our finest spices traded from the far East. The healthier, shinier, and tastier the treasure, the better! If you don’t like your captain’s skullduggery, walk the plank!
Read the rest of this entry »
January 4, 2016
I challenge even the healthiest crackpot ninny out there to call this dish fattening. What you are looking at it is a plate turbo-charged with nutritional awesomeness. Do not let that sway you from indulging in this delightful treat. Eating this uber-healthy dish is similar to sex: it feels good, yet is actually great for you. The same can’t be said about crack cocaine or reality television. Those vices are fun until you find yourself living in an alley mimicking the Hiltons, Hogans or Kardashians. My advice is to stick to kale steaming and orgasm screaming. Read the rest of this entry »
November 26, 2015
Bang that turkey until it's goes gobble gobble gobble!
It’s time for the orphan round up! Many young professional go-getters moved far away from home to chase down a dream…and then bang it senseless. For us, going “home”, that place we grew up where our families and oldest friends are, is an impossibility. For most, it’s a matter of cash, or lack there of (too much cash spent drinking and chasing tail). It could be a matter of time (I’d rather drink), distance (That far for 4 days?!), or annoyance (If I hear dad ask me to explain my job one more time…). Whatever the case may be, you are sticking around for a stay-cation and will be attending a Friends Thanksgiving. What a perfect time to get banged by Little Orphan Annie or Andy!
Now’s the time to pounce on that someone you’ve had your eye on, or one your eye spots this evening. Lonely and single people eating and drinking together is a recipe for magical mistakes. Everyone there including you will be missing your families and seeking comfort. Who are you to deny a holiday hottie the warmth of your bed? You have so much to be thankful for. Show some gratitude by cooking to bang this holiday season. Read the rest of this entry »
July 16, 2015
Don’t be an octopussy. Eat the goddamn salad!
Don’t mess with Octopussy. That girl has Bond and every other man wrapped around her fingers, eight to be exact. But that was before she went through the Bond rotation. Octopussy never recovered once he cast her aside for the next tramp that could crush his spine with her thighs. That’s where I came in. She needed a rebound and I was generous to provide my body for that purpose. All I had to do was sneak into her floating palace past her army of trained female bodyguards with a bag full of groceries. You may assume that I am trained with the ability to scale walls and hold my breath underwater for over an hour. But all I have is my charisma and disarming sense of humor. So I subdued the Octopussy cult army with cooking anecdotes and they took me to their leader. It was tempting to just engage in a massive orgy with her trained killers, but my mission was to Cook To Bang Octopussy. Homegirl gave me 10 minutes to impress her or I would be fed to her bloodthirsty manatees. That was just enough time to fix up this salad and present it to Octopussy. One bite and she was hooked. We banged until her ego was restored. And like a good villainess, she kicked me out of bed right after and went back to work on her world domination plot. Read the rest of this entry »
June 17, 2015
BBW…Big Beautiful Women…Brash Bold Wicked
This one goes out to all the Big Beautiful Ladies out there. I’m not too proud to admit that in the course of banging like a champion, I’ve entertained a few BBW with “great personalities”. So here’s a sexy salad with an amazing personality. It’s delicious, nutritious, and calorie-vicious. While most salads are meant to help you lose weight, a few rather yummy ones work the opposite way. The very nature of ranch dressing is an oxymoron: making lean salads fattening. But the creamy liquid does taste dreamy. Combine it with tangy BBQ sauce and the calorically-challenged will flock. This salad is sure to satisfy both of your cravings. Read the rest of this entry »
June 15, 2015
- Gettin’ your goat will make you float and rock that boat!
So you don’t think goats are sexy, huh? You don’t find their hooves and beards enchanting? Their bleating cries a top a craggily mountains isn’t a huge turn on? Then you haven’t sampled goat cheese baked to perfection with the pistachio crust atop a mountain of greens and grape boulders smothered is a sticky sweet balsamic reduction. You may find yourself licking the plate clean and stealing a little off your lover’s plate (CTB won’t tell). No one will blame you once this sexy dish seduces your mouth, body and soul. The goat bleats will become a choir of enchanting angels beckoning you to join them in their four-legged rendition of the Macarena. You will be completely powerless to resist and you will love every minute of it because your date will be by your side, equally entranced by the goat cheese’s power that is turbo-charged with the balsamic blast. The healthy spinach and the mysterious aphrodisiac powers of the grapes create a perfect storm of culinary delight. Give in and go with it. This salad can take you places you never knew existed. And at the end of the journey your inevitable sexual conquest will be secondary to the post-coital glow you experienced with love at first bite. Read the rest of this entry »
May 14, 2015
All hail Caesar Salad!
The classics deserve much props and little improvisation. You can’t get much more perfect than the Caesar Salad. Like a great lover, it is crisp, moist and creamy in all the right places. No wonder this salad is so universal on plates across the world. Now is your chance to wow even the most discriminate date with this simple DIY Caesar Salad from scratch. Once you make this ridiculously easy salad once, sequels by the dozen are sure to follow. This salad works perfectly as a starter before a blow-their-mind entrée, or can stand alone as a lunch. It was the perfect follow up course to the sultry French Onion Soup I served. Naturally, my date was satisfied to her core with such simplicity. She pounced like a wildcat before I could even finish. My only regret is that the lettuce wilted before I could eat the rest. I can always make more and more and more. Read the rest of this entry »
April 16, 2015
Bear fruit before you bare all
You should know better. This salad is reserved for the harvest Gods. But you eat it anyway. Sinner. Man should not have access to a salad this powerful. The discovery of this recipe is akin to Prometheus giving man fire. Sure I’ll have to wash a mountain of dishes for all eternity, but knowing you might serve this to a hot date makes it all worth it. Ye shall reap the glory from this culinary gem heretofore unattainable. It’s the only ammunition you’ll need for a successful conquest. The Forbidden Fruit Salad has delivered for me on more than on occasion, sexing up a few dull BREAKFASTS and lunches. This represents one of my favorite fruit combinations, but I encourage you to try your favorite. Did I mention this ultra-healthy salad will make certain bodily secretions taste way better? Read the rest of this entry »