March 30, 2016
You wanna bang? Artichokey Dokey!
Have you ever found yourself without inspiration on what sort of vittles to bring to a party? Ever been scrambling to figure out a classy snack to serve your date with a great bottle of red? Bruschetta to the rescue! It’s light, tasty and goddamn refreshing. Did I mention how simple it is to prepare? You could whip up a batch with your eyes wide shut leaving you plenty of time to tame those clothes your date is still wearing. Be sure to remind them that bruschetta is part of the Mediterranean diet. Be sure to emphasize that you are looking out for their health. The fact the artichoke is a turbo-charged APHRODISIAC is beside the point. Just go with it when they pounce on you and making a disappearing act of your pants. Abra-bang-dabra!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar
3. 2 twists of crack pepper
4. 1 sprinkle of salt
5. 1 baguette
6. 2 handfuls of drained ARTICHOKE hearts chopped
7. 1 handful of diced red onion
8. 3 tomatoes diced finely
9. 1 small handful of chopped BASIL
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
11. 1 large handful of grated parmesan (skip to make vegan)
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Slice the nubs off the baguette, and then cut ½ inch slices at a diagonal to make more room for fixings. Place the slices on a baking sheet and toast through in the oven until they brown slightly (approx 10 min).
Mix together the tomato, artichoke, red onion, basil, garlic, pepper, salt, olive oil and vinegar in a bowl.
Scoop a tablespoon of bruschetta fixings onto each toasted bread slice. Sprinkle a little grated Parmesan on top of each and serve with a bottle of wine.
October 26, 2015
Wango Tango Bango!
The tango is an Argentinean dance unparalleled in its complexity. Yet it is oh so much more than an awesome way to sweep someone off their feet in Buenos Aires. The seductive essence of tango runs deep in all things done with panache. You can tango on the tennis court, in the kitchen, and most decisively in the bedroom. Tango requires skill, passion and attitude unparalleled. But you are clearly clever enough since you are reading this. Pulling off a culinary seduction tango should be no more difficult than unsnapping a bra. So invite over the vivacious vegetarian, or vegan if you have the patience, or just someone sexy who likes fabulous food. Keep that rose in your teeth as you serenade them from the dining room to the bedroom. Bravo! Bravo! Read the rest of this entry »
October 12, 2015
Lox them up and throw away the key!
Parents, you have been warned. Now that this ridonkulously easy recipe is public knowledge, the world of culinary seduction just got a little easier. All those innocent girls yearning to spread their wings shall descend upon the bait laid out for them. Once they’ve had a taste of this forbidden fruit, all bets are off. I know that the Religious Right are gritting their teeth and preparing a contingency plan. Sorry, suckers. There’s nothing you can do now but pray really HARD. The rest of us will be cooking and BANGING really HARD. Read the rest of this entry »
September 30, 2015
Of course I'll quese-do-ya!!!
Diddle me this. Diddle me that. Who’s afraid of getting fat? Not I, says the COOK TO BANG chefs who cook healthy, badass food, and then subsequently burn off those calories banging like chimpanzees on meth. So we can afford to indulge in a little turbocharged bar food every once in a while. You deserve to make something ridiculously easy that earns you props from the prissy crowd who “don’t usually indulge in such low brow foods.” So long as they put out after they are put in their place I am down to put up with them. Aren’t the whiners the most satisfying to bang senseless? It’s like wearing out their motor mouths by stuffing they with the tastiest of treats. Ain’t no stopping you from getting some peace…of ass. Read the rest of this entry »
August 31, 2015
You're just grillin', like Bob Dylan!
This grilled chicken salad has all the fixings that will help you get that fix. Been hard up for some attention of the leisurely kind? Fret no more that you will die celibate and alone in a shack made of cow dung deep in the wilderness. This salad should help you get back on your feet and banging once more. Just step back and allow the grilled chicken to open up the flavor in this uber-healthy salad. You can lure whichever conquest you have your heart set on with promised of a high protein, low calorie waltz on their tongue. It’s an easy dish to play off like you threw it together without so much as a second thought. You can leave the impression that this is how you always eat because you are that awesome and nonchalant. Now you’ll have plenty of time to wow the shit out of your date with other impressive qualities like the ability to read palms, take out flies with a blowgun, and give someone an orgasm from across the room. Go and get them…at your leisure. Read the rest of this entry »
August 24, 2015
Big Ol’ Sausage Cumming your way!
Make room! Make room! A massive sausage is coming straight for your open mouth. There’s not a whole lot you can do but smile like a donut. But don’t fear it. Taste it. Enjoy it. Love it. There’s nothing wrong with phallic food so long as you are comfortable with yourself and enjoy good food. Just to make you feel better, you can Price Albert the sausage to make it less threatening. Throw in all the veggies and aphrodisiac avocado and you have an innocuous, yet delicious open-faced sandwich to enjoy with your date. Need I mention that you can whip these up in 10 minutes flat while you wax poetic with your game? Now drop your inhibitions and pick up that big ol’ massive meaty sausage. Read the rest of this entry »
August 21, 2015
The Lady and the Trampy Scampi
I used to stamp my little feet as a child when someone called me a shrimp. It drove me batty that I wasn’t a “big kid”. Time changes everything. Call me a shrimp as an adult and I’ll thank you, and then fantasize about buttery, garlicky goodness. I am the first to admit that I’ll get trampy for shrimp scampi. A note to the ladies: you too can put a man like myself under your spell with this dish. There’s something amazing about cooking shellfish in this velvet sauce that grants the chef the power of mind control. It’s been that way ever since I stole the recipe from a heavily guarded underground vault in Switzerland. Sure I am wanted by Interpol, but I did it all for you, dear reader. Who loves ya? Read the rest of this entry »
August 17, 2015
Mickey D’s ain’t got nuthin’ on this morning delight
So your date has slept over and has a ridiculous craving for some artery clogging McDonalds. How gross and inconvenient! You can indulge their desire, save time and money, plus you’ll blow their mind with this vast improvement over the fast food original. This fine breakfast dish is extremely simple to prepare, plus it can be relatively healthy, thus giving you some much-needed nutrients depleted by a morning in bed. I first made this dish on a whim using minimal ingredients when a one-night stand demanded I drive her 3 miles away to the nearest fast food purveyor. First, I despise haphazardly prepared food, but more importantly I was only interested in one thing, and the Egg McMuffin demand was cock-blocking me. Luckily my ingenuity worked out A-OK. We both got what we wanted and I never saw her again. Ha! Read the rest of this entry »
July 24, 2015
The ancient fable spoke of a golden era of cooking and banging.
Read through the footnotes of the Kama Sutra and you will learn about a mysterious dish with incomparable sexual power. This dish had not been created then, but was predicted by a great Indian psychic. I took the liberty of deciphering the ancient Sanskrit because I am a power hungry sociopath. My goal was to control the opposite sex’s minds. So far so good. I can get my stable to sit, fetch and bend over. Good girls! The simplicity of grilled fish and a salad makes this one of the easiest methods of keeping someone you want to bang under your spell. Now I pass along this fabled recipe to you. Grill with God! Read the rest of this entry »