I generally don’t recommend being bashful and covering up your naughty bits. But for some reason it has been deemed socially unacceptable to prance around naked in public. So when social decorum outweighs your exhibitionist tendencies, you need to figure out a classy way to cover up. Bring on the codpiece! Your most shocking parts will be hidden from view, yet you will leave everyone guessing what you could possibly be packing. And that’s just where you want to be. Apply this same hidden package of awesome theory to the meal you serve to your date. Nothing packs quite a flavor wallop like this black cod dish I made as an afterthought. The task at hand was preparing MISO HORNY COD that has been dropping panties since 2003. But I had leftover cod that required my swift attention lest these beautiful cuts of fish go the way of slap bracelets. So my date the following night was given a rarefied chance to try something new and totally untested. This dish is what follows and thank god for that! Lord knows she was thanking god in her own lascivious way. Read the rest of this entry »
This turkey sandwich is no ordinary sandwich. It has sex appeal scientists are struggling to devise a method of measuring. It can’t help flirting with everyone its path. This sandwich has won over everyone it has met besides a few vegetarians who are questioning their own eating habits. That is the power of said sandwich. The tantalizing melted brie cheese, cranberry goodness, creamy aphrodisiac-laden avocado and crunchy bread dares to take you where no sandwich has gone before. You almost forget your eating a sandwich at all. It seems more like nosh meant for the gods who happen to be food snobs. I made this sandwich and God said it was good. God said it was damn good and paused time so he could have second. Amen! Read the rest of this entry »
Let’s be honest here. You wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t like banging. Right? If you thought this site was for carpentry where you learn how to bang hammer to nail…forgive me my trespassing. I am nothing like Jesus the carpenter or Son of God, unless you count the ripped abs from all that stretching on the crucifix. But I do offer you recipes reserved for the gods so in some ways you aren’t totally off. Here we have classic middle-eastern nosh that Jesus may have sampled during one of his hangouts with his twelve adoring homies AKA apostles. Kebabs are simple and perfect for those waning days of summer. Grill, broil it, munch it. Each bite brings you closer to God. Amen to that! Read the rest of this entry »
They’ll beg and beg and beg. Let them. It’s only natural. They want what you got. Basic law of supply and demand. Make like OPEC fixing the price of your commodities. Make outrageous demands they have no choice but to meet. It’s not like they can go elsewhere. Right? You’re wondering about alternative sources of sexual energy? Ha! There is no substitute for the man tested, woman approved real thing. 4 billion years of Earthlings banging can’t be wrong. So embrace the goods granted to you by God, evolution or your preferred “Where did we come from?” dogma. Now make them beg long and HARD. Afterwards, serve them breakfast as a reward for the respect shown. Read the rest of this entry »
The butt crack of dawn will reveal its cruel self after you’ve been up all night dancing the horizontal mambo. But shame mixed with glee over the unspeakable acts of last night will subside when you take control in the kitchen. Sure you are short on sleep and long on orgasms. Your day may be shot being a productive worker bee turning society’s cogs. But don’t give up on today. Those bleary-eyes should see a world full of possibilities and reassessed plans. Get yourself the right nutrients and you can push right on through into the evening, banging all the way. Nothing says, “Good morning, now let’s get back to bed!” like an omelet. It’s got protein, veggies and the challenging flip that will fuel your body so you can break yet even more of God’s laws. Remember that in the name of banging, sometime you have to crack a few eggs. Read the rest of this entry »
You read that right. These lettuce wraps are no joke. Dr. Atkins is saluting them from his cloud in heaven. How could this much flavor be packed into such a low carb treat? Is it a miracle? Did God communicate this recipe to me from atop the mountain like Moses on Mount Sinai? The answer to all these questions is “You damn skippy!” This creation has absolutely nothing to do with the fact there was no bread in my house. Poppycock to those heretics who suggest otherwise. And the crowd of one I served it was certainly happy and surprised by the result. She too doubted that it would work. But I converted her into a believer. Can I get an amen? Read the rest of this entry »
Cook to Bang gets its share of criticism (and praise) in the form of e-mails, comments and flaming bags of dog feces left on my porch. Some people think my food photographs are sub-par (I’m not a pro photographer, guys!), others say I use too many avocados (If loving avocados is wrong, I don’t want to be right!), and a few find my silly little blog “morally bankrupt.” But on the rare occasion, I receive critiques that inspire me to respond…via open letter. I received this gem last week for you to peruse, plus, with full disclosure, I’ve been on road for a month doing the CTB HOME INVASIONS tour and have run out of photographed recipes:
I appreciated the cooking suggestion for petit pan squash, but was saddened to hear your cavalier attitude toward sex. I realize it was probably partially “tongue in cheek”, but at the same time reveals that like many people, you have no concept of God’s intention for sex. He designed it as the expression of an intimate loving and trustworthy, committed relationship, (HIs ideal of marriage). Without this relationship, you’re missing the whole point and sadly hurting yourself and others in the process.
I get to see the fall-out all the time.
I will end this bit of entertainment for you, which I probably shouldn’t have wasted my time on, but just in case some part of you is listening…try reading the book of Proverbs.
First, I want to thank you for taking the time to post a thoughtful challenge to my internet antics. Clearly, we disagree on a number of subjects and I am sorry if my “cavalier attitude towards sex” saddens you. But we both love food, so that’s a start. I can assure you that my THEIR LOSS GRILLED SQUASH recipe has led to many sessions of pre-marital sex, both my own and my readers.
I am a blaspheming, fornicating hedonist who takes your lord’s name in vain on a daily basis. But I was raised Christian and spent my childhood in Sunday school reading the bible until my eyes bled. I respect people’s religious beliefs, which includes the countless religions that regard Jesus as merely a man with great PR skills. Having read Proverbs along with rest of the stories in the Old and New Testament, I dismiss it all as a cute fairy tale with awesome violence sequences and a megaton of begatting. I acknowledge your point that promoting delicious, promiscuous behavior may hurt people medically if they’re too stupid to use protection, but bringing a work of fiction like the Bible into the argument just doesn’t jive. Granted this God fellow you speak of created sex to bring people closer together. But what of the ancient religions of Mesopotamia, Egypt, Greece, Aztecs and so forth that viewed fornicating as a way of getting closer to their respective makers?
The intent of this website is to help people lacking cash, looks and/or game to get their freak on by cooking. If they laugh, that’s an added bonus. I like to think this a community service for the younger, poorer versions of myself that couldn’t get laid in a Tijuana whorehouse wearing a suit made of $100 bills. Cook To Bang works just as well to aid people in sexless marriages to thaw the ice between their partners’ legs. Perhaps you are not my target audience. But I welcome your readership, even if you are merely condemning my fallen generation. Do me a favor: pray for me as I continue to cook and bang recklessly with a wicked smile from ear to ear.
With love stained with questionable fluids,
As long as you can fig it, we can dig it! At least that’s what Eve told me when I crashed a party at the Garden of Eden. It was a pretty epic throw down with animals of paradise serving up all manner of hors d’oeuvres from the bountiful fruit found in the garden. God was DJ’ing, digging in his crate of music not-yet-invented to keep the party hopping. The best part was that everyone was naked, unaware that their hot bodies were meant to cause them shame. Adam was too busy discussing his odd mass of body hair around his pubic region with my wingman the snake to notice that I had led Eve away to fix her up some food of biblical awesomeness. I gathered all the goods throughout the garden and slapped it together. Did you know English muffins grew on trees before Original Sin? Eve was all about it and more than down to commit sins not yet documented. Post-coital, totally out of breath, Eve was hungry once more. I was on my way out, but my man the snake that just whooped Adam’s ass in a nectar-drinking contest, tossed her an apple as we vanished into history once more.
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA or holy water (just add vodka)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Mayonnaise (or your favorite condom-ment)
2. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
3. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
4. 1 English muffin
5. 1 tomatoes sliced thinly
6. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful fresh BASIL
Split the English muffin in half and toast it. Spread a little mayo or the condom-ment that gets you the wettest. Add green onion, tomato, avocado and crown it all with some kick ass figs.
Serve it up to your date and commence with some original sin!
Everyone’s cherry gets popped at some point, save for a few devout priests and nuns. But I wager even these noble and holy rollers have indulged in some sort of debauch. Chances are, these indulgences are of the oral nature. Get your mind out of the gutter; I’m talking about food, fool! Belgium monks once made the greatest beers and chocolate in the world. You can still honor God with an edible orgasm so long as you don’t touch yourself inappropriately while you imbibe. The rest of us sinners have carte blanche to sin carnally while eating pigishly. I reckon it’s about that time to pop pop POP your cherry jubilantly. You will feel like you were touched for the very first time after your first bite. By the second and third and last bite, you will be a filthy culinary nympho eager for more. Next!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash cinnamon
2. Vanilla ice cream
3. 1 tsp vanilla extract
4. 2 tbsp brown sugar
5. 8-OZ juice (chef’s choice)
6. 1 tsp cornstarch
7. 1/8 butter stick
8. 2 fat handfuls of cherries
Bring the juice in a saucepan to a slow simmer on medium heat. Add the butter, brown sugar, vanilla extract, and cinnamon. Scoop out a little of the sauce, mix with the cornstarch, and add back to the sauce and reduce (approx 5 min).
Remove the stem and pits from the cherries and throw them into the sauce, cooking until they soften and congeal to the sauce (approx 3 min). Scoop ice cream into bowls and crown with the jubilee, you jubilant bastard!