March 9, 2016
Bob Cobb would be proud…or he might be rolling in his grave.
You can’t argue with a classic. The Cobb Salad is a staple of any lunch spot. But who says it can’t kick start a date into hyper drive? It certainly passes the health stress test with the fiber, protein and low-fat content. You almost forget how nourishing it is because each bite tastes like a magical mystery tour in your mouth. The crunch of the lettuce, creaminess of the bleu cheese, aphrodisiac avocado explosion, & meaty monkey business in the chicken and bacon all lead you to one conclusion: God-fucking-damn!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $13
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ head of romaine lettuce
2. 1 teaspoon of olive oil
3. 2 teaspoons of red wine vinegar
4. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
5. 1 teaspoon of Dijon mustard
6. 1 handful + 1 teaspoon of bleu cheese crumbled
7. 3 strips of cooked bacon
8. 1 cooked chicken breast, grilled or baked
9. 1 AVOCADO diced into bite-sized pieces
10. 1 hard-boiled egg
11. 1 tomato diced
Mix up the dressing by combining the Dijon mustard, ed wine vinegar, olive oil, black pepper and 1 teaspoon of blue cheese. Set aside.
Wash the romaine, cut off the stock, then cut bite-size pieces of lettuce, and line the bottom of a salad bowl. Throw the chopped tomato on top. Slice the egg thinly and spread them out evenly. Chop up the bacon into bits and spread it out too. Chop the chicken breast into bite-sized pieces and scatter those on top. Do the same with a handful of blue cheese and crown it all with avocado.
Serve up the plates of salad, tonging up a plateful as is. DO NOT TOSS! You want the layers of Cobb glory to shine like a Tiffany diamond. Scoop in your desired amount of dressing and let the good times roll.
December 9, 2015
Grab ass graciously.
How about a little game of grab ass? With an ass that fine I imagine you’ll be doing a shit ton of grabbing. But how do you grab a handful of cheek without coming off like a perv? First off, you shouldn’t care if they assume you’re perv. The Cook To Bang readership is all pervs and I love you all for your debauchery. But in the effort to maintain a non-creepy mystique, here’s my suggestion: serve this salad. Then blame the grapefruit. All that vitamin C is going straight to your head and making you perform irrationally. Taking a firm hold of their bum is the only natural reaction one could expect with all those healthy ingredients. Chances are that your date will be just as randy since they too indulged. So go with it and grab ass! Read the rest of this entry »
August 12, 2015
One good bang deserves another.
Sometimes the second round of banging can top the first. Sure it isn’t as fresh as the first kill (figuratively speaking, Rambo) during a conquest. But your sexy time date’s flavor sets in a little and becomes familiar and welcoming. Soon you will be reaching for them on a regular basis, happy for more of the same. While I’m enjoying my salad days where I’m sampling everything at the buffet before I get serious about one dish, I see the appeal. It’s like that perfect slice of fish that you can’t pass up in favor of the juicy chicken cordon bleu. The same rules apply with this salad. I grilled an outstanding slab of salmon for party of 20 (sorry I didn’t document) and ended up with a fridge full of leftovers. Adding the salmon to the salad was almost an afterthought, like banging the person sleeping next to you while you’re half asleep. Good thing for that. This salad satisfied the hungry girl from the party who stayed the night…and half the next day.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Chardonnay or an Arnold Palmer (w/ vodka if you’re hardcore)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp of feta cheese
2. 1 cucumber sliced thinly
3. 1 tbsp vinegar (chef’s choice)
4. 1 tbsp lemon juice
5. 1 tbsp olive oil
6. 2 massive handfuls romaine lettuce chopped coarsely
7. ½ onion chopped finely
8. 1 carrot peeled, sliced thinly
9. 2 handfuls leftover SALMON
10. 1 handful kalamata olives
Create the dressing by mixing up the onion, olive oil, vinegar and lemon juice.
Toss the lettuce, cucumber, carrots, de-pitted olives and dressing.
Spoon plates of salad and crown with the salmon and feta cheese
Serve up the salad solo, or with a SINWICH or SOUP or both!
May 14, 2015
All hail Caesar Salad!
The classics deserve much props and little improvisation. You can’t get much more perfect than the Caesar Salad. Like a great lover, it is crisp, moist and creamy in all the right places. No wonder this salad is so universal on plates across the world. Now is your chance to wow even the most discriminate date with this simple DIY Caesar Salad from scratch. Once you make this ridiculously easy salad once, sequels by the dozen are sure to follow. This salad works perfectly as a starter before a blow-their-mind entrée, or can stand alone as a lunch. It was the perfect follow up course to the sultry French Onion Soup I served. Naturally, my date was satisfied to her core with such simplicity. She pounced like a wildcat before I could even finish. My only regret is that the lettuce wilted before I could eat the rest. I can always make more and more and more. Read the rest of this entry »
September 5, 2014
Once you go Greek, you don’t go back…unless you’re squeamish
The Greeks sure know how to live. They have amazing islands, beautiful tan people and ouzo that pours out of every faucet. Seriously. I actually took an ouzo shower in Mykonos. But the shower was in a club and my Greek friends were pouring it over my head. My first thought was I had pissed off one of the girls by telling her she looks like the homely older sister of the goddess Athena. Thankfully this goddess-like mortal didn’t lose my sarcasm in translation. The ouzo shower was her mating call. Naturally the boorish American read it wrong thinking I had offended her. Believe it or not, that happens a lot. It took a few more alcoholic hosings and a passionate kiss on the dance floor to finally get it. I was crystal clear as the Mediterranean Sea when she led me down to the beach like a Trojan horse. Now I fully comprehend what it means to go Greek. Interesting. What’s also interesting is the island nation’s produce. Super healthy, tasty Greek Salads will fuel many ouzo shower-filled evenings. Do Zeus proud and go Greek! Read the rest of this entry »
April 28, 2014
Toss it, toss it, TOSS THAT SALAD!
“Sometimes you gotta get your apple cleaned!” says my friend working overseas in Hong Kong. I don’t know what that means, but sure. I suppose you could say the same for getting your salad tossed. I’m still unclear on what exactly that means, but I know it’s filthy so get down with the get down. But rather than get lost in semantics, why don’t I tell you a little about this recipe? This dish is sure to get what ever you want tossed. Just don’t toss your cookies, unless you’re into that kinky German shit. Pour me another hefeweizen if that’s your bag. The era of the wrap may be waning, but quick healthy nibbles never go out of style. Portable salad can bring the nasty noise wherever you want to go. A horny hike? Yes! Sex on the beach? Big time! On the International Space Station? Cum in, Houston! The Toss Your Salad Wrap can also be served on a platter to a party where you can pick up a few phone numbers. This SINWICH is just that versatile. You should be too. Read the rest of this entry »
February 7, 2014
Bangerine your date's reluctance to smithereens!
Tangerines are a whorish fruit. While oranges, kiwis, and grapes are off to church to pray they won’t be eaten, tangerines rub their citrus all over everybody. I’ve never met a fruit so eager for you to eat them out. They are like that hot girl who realizes her true nature is to be a slut, regardless of what their family, friends and community think. Fair enough I say. Who am I to deny something so tasty the privilege of my mouth’s company? Since tangerines are in season now and cheap (insert hooker reference here), I’m throwing them into the mix just about everywhere. In my salad? Obviously! In my cereal? Why not! In my eggs? My mornings have never been so skank-er-licious! So inspire the whore in your date by serving up a salad with the sweet tangy flavor of bangerines! Read the rest of this entry »
January 9, 2014
Dig on down to the underground. There are treasures to be found.
All kinds of exciting things happen below the ground. Ever hear of a gopher gala? What about a mole massive? Groundhog grind? Do you know what fuels all these critters crazy times? Root vegetables! Potatoes, beets, radishes, and oh so many more. Bully to the fancy pants food that grows above ground. No self-respecting tunnel-digging creature would ever admit to preferring a tomato to a carrot. So in honor of the subterranean happenings that I had the pleasure of attending, I whipped up an uber-healthy salad using only goods from down below. I had all the underground creatures sitting around my table like a Mad Hatter style tea party. It was messy, but oh so delicious. And then the queen of the mole people invited me into her boudoir for a private show you would never see on the Disney Channel. We were to be betrothed, but I escaped through a tunnel that led me back to my bed where I woke up confused and a little hungry.
Read the rest of this entry »
August 21, 2011
Wango tango bango mango
Some dances are forbidden for good reason. Most people don’t want Pandora’s box open. All the yeah yeahs get out and inspire naughty behavior. For the average church-going type, this mindset is justifiable. But the act of reading this website puts you in the OTHER category with the greatest minds of any time. We question the status quo. So why wouldn’t you dance a dance considered morally bankrupt if it makes you feel good? That is merely their misguided opinion based on an unbendable worldview. But not you, dear reader. Have at it! This salad shall inspire you to dance with your partner in ways that will make them gasp, while onlookers blush. To hell with the haters who just can’t hang with your self-expression! You’re too busy throwing down with every last bit of lusty passion anyhow. Now sashay already!
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: White wine or a BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 2 massive handfuls field greens
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN balsamic vinegar
4. 2 tbsp HONEY
5. 1 mango
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Slice the mango on either side of the pit. Cut checkerboard slices into the mango meat, pour in half the honey and balsamic vinegar, and rub it in. Throw the mango halves into a oven safe plate or pan and roast until the meat softens and absorbs the flavor (approx 25 min). Scoop out the mango slices, rubbing them into the sauce.
Combine the olive oil, and remaining honey and balsamic vinegar, stirring it into a dressing.
Toss the field greens, mango, and dressing. Serve up with a delectable SINWICH and you are golden.
May 31, 2011
Eat enough of this salad and you'll be like Popeye, banging Olive Oil until Wimpy hits you up for more burger money.
The object to any CTB meal is to wow your date into submitting to your carnal cravings. Their heads’ gotta spin like a GI Joe helicoptering after you twist him around until the rubber band almost snaps. Serve something forgettable, and you can forget any extracurricular activities. I don’t even waste my time with anything that might as well have been nuked from a Hungry Man Dinner. You shouldn’t either unless you prefer servicing yourself rather than have a smoking hot bombshell do it for you. Take this spinach salad. Sure I could have assembled a pre-made package in the time it would take to prematurely ejaculate (at least you’d get off). But a spinach salad that tastes like an angel floated down, fed you, and then gave you a reach around is more my speed. I wager those of you who enjoy similar celestial satisfaction will agree. Read the rest of this entry »