January 28, 2016
Who’s your papa? Some guy I hope to never meet.
I have never quite gotten the expression, “Who’s your daddy?” This phrase is usually uttered by some machismo douche-asaurus banging some bar skank with a tramp stamp tattoo and daddy issues. I supposed that is appropriate considering she is looking for a father figure and he is fulfilling a stereotype. But think about it for a moment. Who wants to fantasize about banging a family member? Last I checked incest is lower on the evolutionary scale than bestiality. Sure I fantasize about banging someone else’s family members, but that is above the board and legal. I’m more likely to grunt in the throes of wanton lust, “Who’s your daddy’s favorite employee?” Bob, if you’re reading this, this is purely hypothetical and I did not engage in illicit fornication in your boathouse while wearing your prized captain’s hat. I also have no idea where those stains on the wall came from. But I do know where that papaya salsa that you and your delightfully innocent daughter are enjoying. Handcrafted by the same hands that help run your empire. You’re welcome. Do you mind if I borrow Rochelle for sec? I need her help tossing this salad. Read the rest of this entry »
April 9, 2009
Who lived in a pineapple inside my gut?
This pineapple before you was the last know residence of one Spongebob Squarepants. The market ran out of pineapple I needed for this ridiculous rice dish and impressing my hot date called for desperate measures. So I improvised. You know Spongebob wouldn’t mind helping Patrick Star get laid if he wanted to bang a whorish whale or hammerhead hottie. So I figured that the courtesy would be extended to me since I’ve watched enough episodes to render me with the maturity of a 12-year-old. The only problem is I then used the spongy little bastard to scrub the wok. Spongebob’s usual giggle was replaced by a gurgle. But I know in his heart he was happy to aid my Cook to Bang quest. But don’t worry. I replaced his pineapple house with an empty vodka bottle. The sponge is soaking up liquor fumes as we speak.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: A beer or a SLUTTY TEMPLE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of basmati rice
2. 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil
3. 1 tablespoon of curry paste
4. 1 pineapple
5. ½ can of coconut milk
6. 1 LEEK chopped
7. ½ pound of chicken cut into bite-sized pieces
8. 1 egg
9. 2 tablespoons of freshly chopped GINGER
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Wash the rice in the sink. Fill up a pot with the 1 cup of rice and 2 cups of water. Bring water to a boil on high heat, and then turn the heat down and simmer covered until the rice absorbs the water (approx 15 minutes).
Split the pineapple length-wise. Use a pairing knife to cut out the meat from the middle, but leave enough around the edges so it holds it’s form. Chop the meat up into bite-sized pieces. Set aside.
Heat the oil in a large deep pan or wok on high heat. Toss the garlic, ginger and leeks and cook down (approx 2 minutes). Add the curry paste and pineapple and stir in the flavor (approx 1 minute). Mix in the rice thoroughly, stir in the coconut milk and finally crack the egg over and mix it in.
Scoop the rice into the hollow pineapple halves until the overflow like a mound above the fruit’s lip. Cover the stuffed pineapples with tinfoil and bake through in the oven (approx 20 minutes). Serve up on a plate with your favorite ENTRÉE.