March 25, 2016
Who’s up for a fling with some chicken wings?
These chicken wings were made in a rush for a party watching the NBA Finals. It is the only time even non-basketball geeks hop aboard the fan-wagon. That was certainly the case with my buddy’s girlfriend and her sorority sisters. Uninformed, screaming girls and high stakes sports don’t mix. But one of them had a cute smile that screamed “bad girl on board”. So I ignored the game and made sure she tried my latest and greatest recipe. The spicy, APHRODISIAC triple-threat in the wings did the trick. We both blew off the party to have our own NBA: National Banging Association. I just found out who won the game because I have been her sexual captive.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp of HONEY
2. 1 tbsp of Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
3. 1 tbsp of brown sugar
4. 4 green onions chopped coarsely
5. 1 lb of defrosted chicken wings
6. ½ a lemon
7. 1 handful of chopped BASIL
Marinate the chicken in the lemon, cilantro, green onions, brown sugar, honey and Sriracha sauce. Mix it together and allow it to marinate in the fridge (at least 15mins).
Cook the wings in a large deep pan on medium-high heat. Cover the chicken and cook until meat browns (approx 15 min). Flip the chicken, recover and cook until all the sauce cooks into the meat (approx 10 min).
Serve up the wings up solo or with your favorite condom-ment.
March 16, 2016
Lick lick lick its so sick sick sick (as in good)!
Apply your whole tongue. Don’t be shy now. You want to start from the base and work that saliva up and down and all around the nub. You’re doing something right when there’s twitching and squirming. How else are you supposed to suck every bit of flavor our of a pot sticker soup? I’m all ears if you have a better idea. For now, we’ll just have to settle for overzealous tongue action that renders your company slaphappy and craving a cigarette even when they don’t smoke. This Thai inspired soup guide your taste organ to its happy ending.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Thai beer
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can Tom Yum Soup*
2. ½ can coconut milk*
3.1 handful green onions chopped
4. 1 handful cilantro chopped
5. 2 handfuls of frozen gyoza/pot-stickers*
6. 1 wedge lime (not pictured)
*available at Asian markets
Boil the pot-stickers in the Tom Yum soup until they soften (approx 5 min). Use a spatula to break them up in bite-sized pieces.
Pour in the coconut milk along with the green onions, cilantro and limejuice and simmer, stirring occasionally (approx 3 min).
Serve soup up in bowls with solo or a kick ass ENTRÉE.
March 14, 2016
Serve senoritas bonitas fajitas
Cactus isn’t just an icon of the American Southwest. It isn’t just a sharp nuisance that plagues the likes of Wile E. Coyote. No, mi amigos. Cactus is also the source of water when you are lost in the dessert. It can be used as a weapon to protect yourself from Area 51 aliens or the worm creatures from Tremors. But few recognize that it is damn tasty and mighty nutritious. I learned this when I was visiting relatives in Santa Fe from a beautiful mixed Mexican/Native American girl named Lupita. She thought I was funny and for some reason invited me to her mother’s adobe pueblo for lunch. My gringo senses were shocked to see Lupita’s mama slicing up a cactus nopales she cut off massive peyote cactus in their front yard. It was love at first bite. The taste of this imaginative style of fajitas got my mind and loins racing. Sadly, Lupita is a good Catholic girl and did not fall for my charms. I instead plotted how to make this dish my own so I could employ it on my future Lupitas. This dish rarely fails to impress and inspire my dates…to get naked.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Cerveza and more cerveza!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cactus nopales
3. 2 teaspoons of fajita seasoning
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
5. 1 onion chopped into long strips
6. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
7. 1 pound of chicken cut into bit sized strips
8. 1 handful of shredded jack cheese
9. ½ sliced avocado
10. 6 corn tortillas heated (not pictured)
Sprinkle the chicken with 1 teaspoon of the fajita seasoning and allow the flavor to absorb (approx 5 minutes). Stir fry the chicken in olive oil and cook through. Set aside.
Slice off the cactus spikes, skin and edges, then cut into strips. Heat olive oil in a pan and stir-fry the onion until they soften (approx 2 minutes), then toss in the cactus and tomatoes, and sprinkle 1 teaspoon of fajitas seasoning. Stir it around until the tomatoes dissolve and become a spicy sauce coating the onions and cactus (approx 4 minutes). Set aide.
Create a fajita filling station that will give your date(s) an option of what to take. This will allow vegetarians and vegans to assemble something unobjectionable. With any luck, there will be plenty of objectionable activities to follow.
March 2, 2016
There’s no shame in going second so long as it’s sloppy
No one likes to admit to having taken sloppy seconds, but we’ve all done it. We all slip up and go there whether it’s hitting it after your best friend, sibling or in my case boss. As long as you keep it under wraps and don’t allow this booty call to evolve into a five-year relationship then it’s no harm no foul. Just move on knowing you got your forbidden rocks off and got away with it. Well done, MacGuyver! Now you just need to figure out an exit using only dental floss and a used condom. Remember that your relationship with your homie is way more important than a piece of strange they already discarded anyway. But sloppy isn’t always bad. Sloppy can be damn good when stuffed into a bread roll and smothered with avocado. So embrace the tangy terrific taste of a Sloppy Seconds Joe without shame or fear of retribution.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $15
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, beer or a RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (for two):
1. 1 can of cheap beer
2. ½ cup of ketchup
3. 1 tablespoon of Worcestershire Sauce
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
5. ½ teaspoon of salt
6. ½ teaspoon of crushed garlic
7. 2 sandwich-sized French rolls
8. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
9. 2 large dried CHILIES chopped thinly
10. 2 orange or red bell peppers chopped coarsely
11. 1 pound of ground beef or turkey meat
Warm the olive oil in the stockpot over medium heat. Add the crushed garlic and sauté momentarily before throwing in the bell peppers, turkey meat and salt. Cook and stir until the turkey meat browns (approx 5 minutes).
Add the chopped chilies and cook until the spice releases (approx 2 minutes). Pour in the beer, ketchup and Worcestershire sauce and cook until the liquids evaporate and thicken (approx 20 minutes). Turn off the heat and stir in the green onions.
Split each roll down the middle, leaving the base in tact. Pull each roll open and spoon in the sloppy Joe mixture, crowning it with avocado if you so desire. Serve it up sloppy, Joe.
February 17, 2016
Peep this pack of perfect peppers, player!
Some of my best friends are peeping toms. Society tells these voyeurs to be ashamed. But I ask you, how different is it to watch someone in person then watching asinine strangers in a reality show? Once you get used to hand prints left from peering into your window and your flowerbed continually being crushed, it’s really not so bad. Voyeurs are essentially pleasure-delayers. I personally subscribe to the hedonist school and want it all a week ago. But I respect their patience. This soup is like that. Roasting takes a dedication. Are you up for the task of slow-cooking a perfect soup so that you won’t have to “take it slow” later? I hope so because sometimes, every once in a while, I mean a long while, it is totally worth it to hold it back. Like an orgasm you manage to stretch out an extra 5 seconds by grunting. “Oh yeah! That’s it. Here we go. Unnnnggggghhhh!”
Total time: approximately 90 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Ice tea, lemonade or an ice-cold beer to cool you down, Perv Master Flex
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 red bell peppers
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 teaspoon of salt
4. 2 cups of vegetable stock
5. 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
6. 2 teaspoons of bay leaves
7. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 2 tomatoes
Preheat your oven to 400 degrees F. Wash the red peppers and tomatoes, dry them off, and place them all into a large glass or metal oven-safe bowl. Roast them until the skin blacks and separates from the veggie meat (approx 45 minutes). Remove the tomato and peppers from the bowl and place them in a plastic bag that you will seal and leave in the fridge to cool (approx 20 minutes). Take the bag out of the fridge and dump the contents, leaked juice included, back into the roasting bowl. Slowly remove the skin from the peppers and tomatoes. Finally pull out the stalks and chop it all up coarsely and set aside.
Heat up the olive oil in a stockpot on medium heat. Toss in the garlic and cook until it whitens (approx 30 seconds), then follow up with the onions that you will cook until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes). Flavor it all up with the salt, cayenne pepper and bay leaves before mixing in the roasted peppers and tomatoes.
Dump in the vegetable stock and bring to a roaring boil on high heat, then turn the heat down low and simmer with a lid on until the veggies soften (approx 20 minutes). Puree the soup up using a Cuisinart, blender or hand blender (as pictured) and serve with a feeling of accomplishment. You’re terrific.
January 26, 2016
- Thai me up, Thai me down, Thai one on!
That’s right! You know how to do what you do so do it. Ooh ooh, baby, do it one more time. I can’t get enough of your tasty taste. It’s so exotic, so flavorful, so foreign to my white bread existence. Suddenly all the TV Dinner memories are evaporating into adventures in Thailand. I’m on a beach getting my hair braided. I’m in the jungle communing with shaman living in a tree house. I’m in Bangkok breaking all 10 Commandments. It’s all because you spice up my life. Keep it up. Now that I’ve tasted the East, these noodles will keep the memories alive at the very least. Read the rest of this entry »
January 25, 2016
Enjoy the tsunami of edamame!
I don’t mind admitting I am a mama’s boy. Sure some conservatives might call me morally bankrupt. But I scoff at them because I still have a good relationship with my mother. She’s the one who taught me how to cook after all. Sure I may have taken the foundations of her teachings and used it to get girls out of my league to sleep with me. But isn’t that what innovation is all about? Take something simple like the act of cooking and run wild in a field or devious dandelions. That’s what I have done with edamame. Sure they taste great on their own, like nature’s candy. But I wanted to sex it up a bit. What better way to do that than smother them in aphrodisiacal flavor and roast them to perfection? Take it from this edamame’s boy; you will be happy you took my cue. Read the rest of this entry »
January 1, 2016
Detox so you can always get your rocks off
Cooking to Bang can often lead to some nasty habits like drinking, fornicating and eating after midnight. Some scientists claim that indulging your every whim can be harmful to your health. Bully to that. But just in case you are seek a cleansing, Cook To Bang has something silky smooth for the sinner in all of us. Think of this soup as an elixir that can grant you eternal innocence. Every unspeakable carnal act you performed in the heat of the moment shall be absolved by the soup’s all-forgiving nutrients. Allow the garlic and cayenne pepper to clear your sinuses and conscience. The broccoli and cauliflower will mainline you with calcium and scoop out cancer-causing gunk holding your prowess back. Lastly the lemon will wash away the sins leaving your body and soul shiny like it went through the car wash. You’re good to go. Have fun abusing yourself and we’ll see you again soon. Next! Read the rest of this entry »