OH GOD, DON’T STOP! JALAPEÑO POPPERS

March 27, 2016
Once you popper, you can’t stop her

Once you popper, you can’t stop her

Most North American sports bar patrons have consumed twice their weight in deep fried jalapeños poppers. Sure they are goddamn satisfying as the cheese stains your shirt, your team scores, and you toast with your third beer. Jalapeño poppers just aren’t sexy fried, period. Don’t even think about getting kinky with an order of twelve poppers with ranch on the side.  But when you got ‘em baking, you can start shaking.  Suddenly the crowd-pleasing appetizer is both edible and credible. The poppers are perfectly portable treat for tailgating, potlucks and the occasional swingers party.  But if you want to CTB, serve your basketball fuck-buddy finger food.  You are sure to score a touch down.

Total time: approximately 15 minutes

Projected cost: $4

Drinking Buddy: Beer, this is bar food

jalepeno-poppers-prepIngredients:

1. 1/3 cup of flour

2. 1/3 cup of bread crumbs

3. 1 tablespoon of honey

4. 2 tablespoons of milk

5. ½ teaspoon of paprika

6. 3 ounces of cream cheese

7. 2 handfuls of shredded jack/mozzarella cheese

8. 1 egg

9. 5 jalapeños spilt lengthwise, stalks cut, seeds and veins removed

Step 1

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Mix the cheeses with the honey and paprika.  Spread enough of the cheese mixture to just fill the hollow jalapeños.

jalepeno-poppers-cheese

Step 2

Mix up the egg with the milk and paprika.  Separate the flour, egg mixture, and breadcrumbs in separate bowls.  Dip each cheesy jalapeño first in flour, then egg mixture, and finally breadcrumbs.  Set out on a foil covered baking pan.

jalepeno-poppers-dipped

Step 3**

Shove the baking pan full of prepped jalapeños in the oven.  Bake until the breading browns and the cheese begins to ooze out the side.  (Approx 30 min)  Now you’re good to serve it up on a platter with ranch or ketchup.  Who’s the player now?

jalepeno-poppers-baked

**This is the baking method. You could skip this step and deep fry it in oil. But frying isn’t sexy.  Trust me!

jalepeno-poppers-served-2

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SENORITA LUPITA’S CACTUS FAJITAS

March 14, 2016
Serve senoritas bonitas fajitas

Serve senoritas bonitas fajitas

Cactus isn’t just an icon of the American Southwest.  It isn’t just a sharp nuisance that plagues the likes of Wile E. Coyote.  No, mi amigos.  Cactus is also the source of water when you are lost in the dessert.  It can be used as a weapon to protect yourself from Area 51 aliens or the worm creatures from Tremors.  But few recognize that it is damn tasty and mighty nutritious.  I learned this when I was visiting relatives in Santa Fe from a beautiful mixed Mexican/Native American girl named Lupita.  She thought I was funny and for some reason invited me to her mother’s adobe pueblo for lunch.  My gringo senses were shocked to see Lupita’s mama slicing up a cactus nopales she cut off massive peyote cactus in their front yard. It was love at first bite.  The taste of this imaginative style of fajitas got my mind and loins racing.  Sadly, Lupita is a good Catholic girl and did not fall for my charms. I instead plotted how to make this dish my own so I could employ it on my future Lupitas.  This dish rarely fails to impress and inspire my dates…to get naked.

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Cerveza and more cerveza!

cactus-fajitas-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cactus nopales
2. SALSA
3. 2 teaspoons of fajita seasoning
4. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
5. 1 onion chopped into long strips
6. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
7. 1 pound of chicken cut into bit sized strips
8. 1 handful of shredded jack cheese
9. ½ sliced avocado
10. 6 corn tortillas heated (not pictured)

Step 1
Sprinkle the chicken with 1 teaspoon of the fajita seasoning and allow the flavor to absorb (approx 5 minutes).  Stir fry the chicken in olive oil and cook through. Set aside.
cactus-fajitas-chicken
Step 2
Slice off the cactus spikes, skin and edges, then cut into strips.  Heat olive oil in a pan and stir-fry the onion until they soften (approx 2 minutes), then toss in the cactus and tomatoes, and sprinkle 1 teaspoon of fajitas seasoning.  Stir it around until the tomatoes dissolve and become a spicy sauce coating the onions and cactus (approx 4 minutes).  Set aide.
cactus-fajitas-veggies
Step 3
Create a fajita filling station that will give your date(s) an option of what to take.  This will allow vegetarians and vegans to assemble something unobjectionable.  With any luck, there will be plenty of objectionable activities to follow.
cactus-fajitas-assemblecactus-fajitas-served-2

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WHO’S YOUR PAPAYA SALSA?

January 28, 2016
Who's your papa?  Some guy I hope to never meet.

Who’s your papa? Some guy I hope to never meet.

I have never quite gotten the expression, “Who’s your daddy?”  This phrase is usually uttered by some machismo douche-asaurus banging some bar skank with a tramp stamp tattoo and daddy issues.  I supposed that is appropriate considering she is looking for a father figure and he is fulfilling a stereotype.  But think about it for a moment.  Who wants to fantasize about banging a family member?  Last I checked incest is lower on the evolutionary scale than bestiality.  Sure I fantasize about banging someone else’s family members, but that is above the board and legal.  I’m more likely to grunt in the throes of wanton lust, “Who’s your daddy’s favorite employee?”  Bob, if you’re reading this, this is purely hypothetical and I did not engage in illicit fornication in your boathouse while wearing your prized captain’s hat.  I also have no idea where those stains on the wall came from.  But I do know where that papaya salsa that you and your delightfully innocent daughter are enjoying. Handcrafted by the same hands that help run your empire.  You’re welcome.  Do you mind if I borrow Rochelle for sec?  I need her help tossing this salad. Read the rest of this entry »


BEER–GOGGLES FISH TACOS

November 13, 2015

Eat until they’re cute!

Beer-goggles are a time-honored utility that have justified more than a few plus-sized mistakes. I only wish I could say that I’ve never gone spelunking between rolls of flab.  Granted, that was long before the Cook To Bang method was a twinkle in my eye.  But too much booze to the brain makes what would have been as appealing as banging a beached whale rotting in the sun while sober seem like a swell idea when tanked.  We all make mistakes; I just prefer my mistakes not shop at the Big and Tall. That said, sometimes when you’re in a rut, you just need to bang something.  Anything. You need to rebuild your confidence the way a sports franchise has a “rebuilding season”.  Beer-goggles are terrific to put your head back into the game as long as it’s far from the eyes of your friends who will no doubt mock you for your homely transgression.  When the dirty deed had been done and did, you can fight the hangover and shame with some soul-inspiring beer-battered fish tacos.  Or you could just make them for that hottie you’re sweet on.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Enough beer to make your dog look like an extra in Gossip Girl

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup vegetable oil
2. 1 cup flour
3. 1 cup cheap beer
4. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
5. ¼ shredded coconut
6. ½ lb of FISH: red snapper, tilapia or rock fish cut in 3 inch slivers
7. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
8. HORIZONTAL MAMBO MANGO SALSA
9. 2 handfuls shredded cabbage
10. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
11. 4 small corn tortillas

Step 1
Create the beer batter by mixing the flour, beer and shredded coconut thoroughly.

Step 2
Heat up the oil in a pot that is deep and narrow. Dip a sliver of fish into the batter and immediately toss in the oil.  Deep fry each piece until golden brown and transfer to a plate covered in paper towels to soak up the grease.  Season the fried fish with cayenne pepper.

Step 3
Assemble the fish tacos by first placing the fish in the middle of the tortilla and then stuffing it with cabbage, tomato, avocado and mango salsa.

Serve these up with a side of GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE if the deep-fried fish doesn’t have enough calories.

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PORNCHILADAS

November 1, 2015
Poonchiladas = Poonany - Math To Bang

Poonchiladas = Poonany – Math To Bang

I can’t go a week without banging out a new perverse recipe for Mexican food.  There is something so comforting and snuggly about the ability of food South of the border (US, obv) to put an ear-to-ear grin on my face.  It’s an instant crowd pleasure from a party full of dudes obsessively watching the playoffs to the sexy number you share a quiet Thursday evening with the lights down low.  The best part is Mexican grub like these Poonchiladas are so easy to make that a jellyfish with a blindfold pull it off.  True story.  My arm is still throbbing from being stung, but the jellyfish’s was out of sight.  No matter what nature show hosts might tell you, jellyfish sex is not that kinky.  So what are you waiting for?  If a invertebrate with only tentacles can pull off Poonchiladas, then certain you can CTB with this dish.  Right? Read the rest of this entry »


MAMACITA CARNITAS

October 9, 2015

Mamacita Carnitas will make you bang like cheetahs

Hey hey Mamacita!
So glad to meet ya!
Come over, I’ll treat ya
So sit and down eat, yah?

Mexican food brings me much joy and comfort. Somehow I don’t feel unique for that. Pretty much every date I’ve served sumptuous South of the border nibbles responds in kind. The hot like a cheetah mamacita just comes out. It’s on at that point with no turning back. You can’t close Pandora’s box of bodacious body bumping. So heed my disclaimer: Unimaginable pleasure will result from whipping these carnitas up. Those with whack taste buds and distaste for debauchery should probably find a new recipe site. Read the rest of this entry »


SEXUAL PRACTICE CACTUS SALSA

October 5, 2015

Dont be a prick-ly pear.

All earthly creatures do it in their own way. Giraffes do it standing up, their long necks intertwined. Male spider monkeys will grab their female partner mid-air, hump them, and release before they even hit the ground. Humans have all kinds of mating rituals from courting over food, to bringing in toys to “bring the spark back”, to discussing the relationship ad nausea post-coital. And within the human genus, we have countless subsets of this behavior. We are an odd species to be sure. Aliens who enslave us two decades from now will be hard-pressed to figure out how to get us to toil away on the Vectarion reactors. I’ll make it simple for them: give us food and let us bang. We’ll take it from there, Remulox. Read the rest of this entry »