OBSCENE TANGERINE DREAM SCALLOPS

January 11, 2016
tangerine scallops served

Dream a little obscene dream

I dream a little dream every day.  My dreams do not consist of me running in a field of daffodils holding hands with my pure-as-virgin-snow fiancé.  There is no discussion of curtain rods and where to hang the menacing portrait of her father in our bedroom so he can watch us “make grandchildren”.  That is another man’s dream that I find boringly obscene. My dreams are of the social derelict variety.  They are filled with morally questionable fluids that get all over the bed, walls and playtime companions’ faces.   The soundtrack consists of gasps, moans, and cracks from my flat hand connecting with firm backsides.  You could hook my brain up to your DVR and I’d single-handedly put Skinemax out of business.  My lawyers are already in discussion with Time Warner, but it comes down how many private islands I will receive stocked with island girls…coming soon to a living room near you.  Perverted as I am, I’m also a glutton in my dreams.  And this Chinese style scallop recipe came out of one such decadent dream.  Enjoy these nocturnal emissions on your plate! Read the rest of this entry »


BANGSGIVING: RANDY CANDIED CARROTS

November 23, 2015

Getting randy with candied carrots is dandy.

Carrots are often overlooked as an unsexy, utilitarian vegetable. You might think the coolest thing to do with it is make a nose for Frosty the Snowman. Bully to that I say. Those suckers have never enjoyed the sweet, tender taste of a carrot candied to perfection. They have never used carrots as a side dish so sensational that the entrée looks like a chump.  Once they’ve felt their knees knock, toes curl, and eyes roll into the back of their head, they will never sully the good name of carrots again.  The beta-carotene alone helping you see your lover clearly in the dark should be reason enough.  It’s all about those sweet and savory flavors one-upping each other to give you the first of many oral orgasms.  Tongues spasming and dreamy eyes gazing are to be expected. This may not be the most appropriate Christmas dinner side dish considering these Randy Candied Carrots could inspire Grandma to discuss in detail her flings with jazzmen in 40’s nightclubs. But rest assured, you will be the much-lauded champ wherever you bring these.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on the entrée, but tis the season for vino

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 bunch carrots
3. 1 dash salt
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash cumin
6. 1/4 stick butter
7. 1 tbsp brown sugar
8. 1 cinnamon stick
9. 1 orange

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Cut the ends off the carrots, wash them and set them in a baking pan. Drizzle with olive oil, salt and pepper. Roast until the carrots soften (approx 30 min).

Step 2
Halfway through the carrot roasting, melt the butter in a pan, adding the cinnamon stick. Peel or zest the orange so you have small slivers. Cut the orange in half. Throw the orange zest, brown sugar, cumin and orange juice in the pan and cook on low until reduce by half (approx 10 min).  Add the carrots and stir around in the candied glazy goodness (approx 10 min).

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BALLS-ON-IT BALSAMIC STRAWBERRIES

August 27, 2014
Slap some sugar, lemon, balsamic, then put them balls on it!

Slap some sugar, lemon, balsamic, then put them balls on it!

DESSERT is the time when a Cook usually turns into Bang.  Many final courses like cheesecake that take over a day to make, like a slow, patient seduction.  There is nothing wrong with taking your time to holler at the moon so long as you do in fact holler.  But we live in a culture that wants everything yesterday. In fairness to the instant gratification crowd, here’s an instant dessert that is healthy, tasty, and quick on the go.  Do not fear the balsamic vinegar for it is your friend.  The fusion of the powdered sugar, fructose from the berries and the vinegar is like some mystical alchemy that preps your tongue ready for more adventuresome travels.  Be sure to hand-feed these to your date, thus fostering the intimacy you will no doubt exploit for your own perverted gains.  I have made this outstanding standout for more dates than I can remember and not once have I been refused. Won’t you join our merry band of culinary pranksters? Read the rest of this entry »


BANGERINE SALAD

February 7, 2014

Bangerine your date's reluctance to smithereens!

Tangerines are a whorish fruit. While oranges, kiwis, and grapes are off to church to pray they won’t be eaten, tangerines rub their citrus all over everybody.  I’ve never met a fruit so eager for you to eat them out.  They are like that hot girl who realizes her true nature is to be a slut, regardless of what their family, friends and community think.  Fair enough I say.  Who am I to deny something so tasty the privilege of my mouth’s company?  Since tangerines are in season now and cheap (insert hooker reference here), I’m throwing them into the mix just about everywhere. In my salad? Obviously!  In my cereal? Why not!  In my eggs? My mornings have never been so skank-er-licious!  So inspire the whore in your date by serving up a salad with the sweet tangy flavor of bangerines! Read the rest of this entry »


BLOODY ORANGTASTIC SALAD

December 9, 2013

We're talking bloody in a good way.

“This salad is bloody fantastic!” These are the words of my limey friend who sampled this salad I threw together. And no, I did not cook to bang my mate. He’s been striking out with the birds as of late so I gave him a quick cooking tutorial. I believe the geezer has his sea legs now since he’s used my recipes to bed a few strumpets already. The problem is he keeps making the same few recipes I’ve taught him. Sounds like we’re just about ready for another lesson. Perhaps he can repay me by teaching me the finer points of football (as in soccer for the uninitiated). With World Cup coming up, I need good talking points to pick up Brazilians. In the mean time, enjoy this uber-healthy salad with me new favorite fruit, the blood orange, which is bloody orangtastic. Read the rest of this entry »


ROAST THE CHOKE, BLOKES!

April 5, 2013
The roastest with the mostest!

The roastest with the mostest!

It’s a damn shame how many people fear the artichoke. On the surface, it’s an intimidating vegetable. The spiky leaves that could kill a man certainly don’t help. Neither does the complicated center that is pretty, but inedible. But alas, once you get past all that superfluous nonsense, you got yourself an aphrodisiac that tastes like you broke off an angel’s wing and dipped it in wasabi. The texture alone should sell you on this magnificent gift from the food gods. Plus we’re talking finger food here. That means you can hand feed your date, fostering an intimacy you can later exploit. While you wait for the artichoke to roast, you can whip something equally awesome up or just waltz your date around the kitchen like a ballerina. Now be brave, be bold and buy yourself some artichokes! Read the rest of this entry »


CHICKEN WINGMAN

June 13, 2011
Like a good homie, these chicken wings got your back
Like a good homie, these chicken wings got your back

Some guys are breast men; others are legmen; I’m a wingman.  My single friends (male and female) can attest to my ability to create connections that often lead to copulation.  You’re all very welcome.  But that’s what friends do for each other.  And you should be no different.  Lovers come and go, but friendships can last a lifetime and age like fine wines.  And that’s why you need to look out for your people whether that means offering a shoulder to cry on, a pivot so they can get that hottie at the bar’s number, or just serving them up a plate of chicken wings.  I won’t lie to you and say that chicken wings are sexy.  Barbaric yes with the tearing meat off the bone with your teeth, but subtle and sexy like a sultry salad or sexy soup they are not.  But if you have yourself a sports fan that wants to watch the game between banging marathons then this recipe is for you.  This dish is fast to prep, quicker to cook and will be consumed in the blink of an eye.  Now be a good friend and help your hungry posse out (especially if it’s just the two of you). Read the rest of this entry »