WHO’S YOUR PAPAYA SALSA?

January 28, 2016
Who's your papa?  Some guy I hope to never meet.

Who’s your papa? Some guy I hope to never meet.

I have never quite gotten the expression, “Who’s your daddy?”  This phrase is usually uttered by some machismo douche-asaurus banging some bar skank with a tramp stamp tattoo and daddy issues.  I supposed that is appropriate considering she is looking for a father figure and he is fulfilling a stereotype.  But think about it for a moment.  Who wants to fantasize about banging a family member?  Last I checked incest is lower on the evolutionary scale than bestiality.  Sure I fantasize about banging someone else’s family members, but that is above the board and legal.  I’m more likely to grunt in the throes of wanton lust, “Who’s your daddy’s favorite employee?”  Bob, if you’re reading this, this is purely hypothetical and I did not engage in illicit fornication in your boathouse while wearing your prized captain’s hat.  I also have no idea where those stains on the wall came from.  But I do know where that papaya salsa that you and your delightfully innocent daughter are enjoying. Handcrafted by the same hands that help run your empire.  You’re welcome.  Do you mind if I borrow Rochelle for sec?  I need her help tossing this salad. Read the rest of this entry »


GRAB ASS GRAPEFRUIT SALAD

December 9, 2015
Grab ass graciously.

Grab ass graciously.

How about a little game of grab ass?  With an ass that fine I imagine you’ll be doing a shit ton of grabbing.  But how do you grab a handful of cheek without coming off like a perv?  First off, you shouldn’t care if they assume you’re perv.  The Cook To Bang readership is all pervs and I love you all for your debauchery.  But in the effort to maintain a non-creepy mystique, here’s my suggestion: serve this salad.  Then blame the grapefruit.  All that vitamin C is going straight to your head and making you perform irrationally. Taking a firm hold of their bum is the only natural reaction one could expect with all those healthy ingredients.  Chances are that your date will be just as randy since they too indulged.  So go with it and grab ass! Read the rest of this entry »


BANGRIA

November 6, 2015
Go ahead, drink up that mystical gypsy potion!

Go ahead, drink up that mystical gypsy potion!

The sound of castanets and Flamenco guitar riffs echo through the streets.  I see a momentary flash of a beautiful figure in a black dress sauntering towards, and then she’s gone.  Carmen?  Is that you again?    It seems that every time I eat Spanish tapas and drink sangria she appears.  That unattainable Spanish hard body has been haunting my subconscious ever since I first laid eyes on her in a bar in Valencia.  There I was, the gringo in the corner of the Spanish nightclub sipping my first sangria.  Carmen crossed the room towards me, took my glass and downed it, then led me onto the dance floor.  She wrapped on leg around my hip and I melted.  The filthy suggestions she breathed heavily into my ear in her native tongue sent my mind skitso.  Carmen sent me for one last round of sangria.  When I eagerly returned she had vanished.  To this day I don’t know if she was real or a hallucination brought on by a sangria overdose.  That is why I make sangria now.  Perhaps Carmen will return or, at the very least, I can turn the woman I serve it to into Carmen…for the night. Read the rest of this entry »


CHICKEN MANGO QUESADIDDLE-YA

September 30, 2015
Of course I'll quese-do-ya!!!

Of course I'll quese-do-ya!!!

Diddle me this.  Diddle me that.  Who’s afraid of getting fat?  Not I, says the COOK TO BANG chefs who cook healthy, badass food, and then subsequently burn off those calories banging like chimpanzees on meth.  So we can afford to indulge in a little turbocharged bar food every once in a while.  You deserve to make something ridiculously easy that earns you props from the prissy crowd who “don’t usually indulge in such low brow foods.”  So long as they put out after they are put in their place I am down to put up with them.  Aren’t the whiners the most satisfying to bang senseless?  It’s like wearing out their motor mouths by stuffing they with the tastiest of treats.  Ain’t no stopping you from getting some peace…of ass. Read the rest of this entry »


BANG YO ROASTED MANGO

July 31, 2015
Groovy booty, fresh and fruity

Groovy booty, fresh and fruity

You’ve done good tonight.  A for effort!  All the effort you put into the meal should have earned you enough street cred by now to make the move.  But should you choose the road of sweet temptation, try this ridiculously easy dessert.  It’s great solo or with ice cream, but also compliments many meals like Orangasmic Catfish.  You will appear to be a kitchen god who cooks like a champ so probably bangs like a champ too.  Be sure to allow time to roast while your date enjoys the magnificent maestro’s meal.

Ingredients:
1. 2 mangoes
2. 1 tablespoon of brown sugar
3. 1 teaspoon of cinnamon
4. 1 dollup of honey

Step 1
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Cut the mango in half, remove the pit, leave the skin and cut bite size piece into the mango meat.

Step 2
Add the brown sugar, cinnamon and honey into the holes where the mango pits were.

Step 3
Cook in the oven for 35-45 minutes until the honey, brown sugar and cinnamon becomes a gooey syrup.

Step 4
By now your kitchen should smell great, which should impress the hell out of your lucky date.  Serve it up with other food or ice cream and before you know it…BANG!

Variations:
•    This recipe can also be made with peaches, nectarines or apples where you hollow out the core so the gooeyness can take it off the chain!


FORBIDDEN FRUIT SALAD

April 16, 2015
Bear fruit before you bare all

Bear fruit before you bare all

You should know better. This salad is reserved for the harvest Gods.  But you eat it anyway.  Sinner.  Man should not have access to a salad this powerful. The discovery of this recipe is akin to Prometheus giving man fire.  Sure I’ll have to wash a mountain of dishes for all eternity, but knowing you might serve this to a hot date makes it all worth it.  Ye shall reap the glory from this culinary gem heretofore unattainable.  It’s the only ammunition you’ll need for a successful conquest.  The Forbidden Fruit Salad has delivered for me on more than on occasion, sexing up a few dull BREAKFASTS and lunches.  This represents one of my favorite fruit combinations, but I encourage you to try your favorite.  Did I mention this ultra-healthy salad will make certain bodily secretions taste way better? Read the rest of this entry »


KIWI MELT IN YOUR MOUTH

September 25, 2014
kiwi melt served

It will melt in your mouth, your date will melt in your hands.

You know you’re in for a wild ride as soon as this melty concoction hits the tip of your tongue.  The first bite should make it clear that you ain’t eating your grandmother’s sandwich.  No siree!  We’re talking about the next step in culinary evolution.  Combining fruit, meat and cheese on bread was the inevitable next step in tasty temptations.  Sure you could just make a tuna melt that would put your date to sleep long before you can lay the mack down.  But why not just stick your genitals in the freezer? You won’t be needing those anyway.  Our world of convenience and innovation demands that you take a few extra steps to get what you REALLY want.  This sandwich will only take you a few extra minutes, which will be paid for in dividends when you are reclined, sweaty and gasping for air.  This kiwi melt should melt resistance and clothes right off.  What are you waiting for?  Make New Zealand proud! Read the rest of this entry »