FIGGY PIGGY PIZZA

March 23, 2016
A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.

A big pig ate figs down to my twig and berries.

I ain’t too proud to admit I’ve porked some sows in my day.  Who of you can claim you never once compromising your standards in the pursuit of ass?  That lone ranger stoically standing all alone on the hill can pat his/herself on the back.  The rest of you know what I’m talking about.  Like I said, these are not my proudest moments.  But I believe in living life free of regret. So what if my friends taunted me mercilessly? There are photos floating somewhere out there of me in college dressed like Hugh Hefner sucking face with what was described to me as “an oompa loompa in a cheerleader costume”.  It was Halloween, damnit!  Jack Daniels was the bastard responsible.  Thank goodness there are compromises like this pizza.  It packs a wallop of flavor from the prosciutto and figs, but minimal carbs.  Now you can have your pig, eat it too, and not be embarrassed to admit it your friends.

fig brie prosciutto pizza prepTotal time: approximately 12 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, sucka!

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 lavash flatbread
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 1 slice prosciutto
4. 4 long slices Brie cheese
5. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely

Step 1
Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Rub olive oil into the flatbread and scatter the green onion, figs, prosciutto, and Brie slices.

fig brie prosciutto pizza assemble

Step 2
Bake the pizza in the oven until the edges brown (approx 10 min).  Remove from the oven and cut into 6-8 slices.

fig brie prosciutto pizza bake

Serve up as FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY or as a warm up to some stunning ENTRÉE.

fig brie prosciutto pizza served 2

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PINCH-YOUR-TUSH BABAGANOUSH

February 22, 2016
Ali Babaganoush and his forty thieving whores

Ali Babaganoush and his forty thieving whores

Yowch!  Sorry about that.  I thought I was pinching someone else’s ass.  But it felt so right to have my thumb and index finger sampling your goods.  Not bad at all.  Now that we’ve gotten past the whole digital sexual harassment woes, you hungry?  Figured the drooling, stomach growling and eye fucking my food had to mean something.  This spoiling eggplant came through in a pinch.  While I recommend cooking with fresh ingredients, we gotta make do in this flaccid economy.  Hence, we cook your meals at home and reap the randy rewards. Once roasted, this reborn eggplant brought joy to two very hungry, horny people.  Both of our tushes were pinched, spanked and a few things you don’t want to know about.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes

Projected cost: $5

Drinking Buddy: Crisp white wine

babaganoush prepIngredients (serves 2):

1. 1 dash cumin

2. 1 dash salt

3. 1 dash black pepper

4. 1 tbsp olive oil

5. 2 tbsp tahini (sesame paste)

6. 1 large eggplant

7. 2-3 pitas

8. ½ lemon juice

9. 1 handful parsley chopped

10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely

11. 1 handful de-pitted kalamata olives

Step 1

Preheat oven to 350°F/175°C. Poke eggplant with a fork like a prison-shivving.  Throw the abused eggplant into the oven and cook until it softens (approx 30 min). Let the eggplant cool down, then split and scoop out the meat.

babaganoush eggplant

Step 2

Puree the cooked eggplant with lemon juice, tahini, parsley, olives, garlic, olive oil, salt, cumin and black pepper.

babaganoush assemble

Step 3

Cut the pita into little pie pieces and arrange around a plate.  Slap the babaganoush right in the middle and serve it up with some foreplay.

babaganoush pita

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CAMBODIAN LOVE ROLLS

February 19, 2016
Love it, Cambodian style.

Love it, Cambodian style.

This is a variation on a recipe learned in Cambodia near the ancient Angkor Wat ruins.  Be sure to emphasize just how special this recipe is because it is infused with the spirits of an enchanted, dead civilization.  Mighty impressive of you to make a dish so delicious, healthy and worldly.  Now it’s time for your world to be rocked!

Ingredients:
1. 1/2 lb of minced chicken
2. 3 minced garlic cloves
3. ½ an onion peeled and chopped
4. 1 large carrot peeled and chopped
5. 1 handful of shredded coconut
6. 2 handfuls of chopped basil leaves
7. 2 teaspoons of fish sauce
8. 3 tablespoons of peanut oil
9. 1 teaspoon of oyster sauce
10. 1 package of round rice paper sheets
11. ½ a cup of sweet chili sauce
12. 2 teaspoons of soy sauce

Step 1
Pour the oil into a pan and cook the chopped garlic for 10 seconds and then add the minced chicken.  Cook until chicken browns.

Step 2

Add the chopped onions and carrots, shredded coconut, fish sauce, oyster sauce and soy sauce. Cook until veggies are limp, unlike you.

Step 3
Place the spring roll filling in a separate bowl and allow to cool (the refrigerator is a good place for this).  Prep a pan of heated water (tea temperature) on the stove and keep on a low simmer.

Step 4
Now comes the fun of rolling, especially for you stoners out there.  Dip the dried rice paper into the pan of heated water.  Place moist paper onto flat surface.  Add a spoonful of the filling and a small dash of the chopped basil leaves.  Roll up tightly and serve.
Variations:
•    Substitute minced pork for the chicken


WHO’S YOUR PAPAYA SALSA?

January 28, 2016
Who's your papa?  Some guy I hope to never meet.

Who’s your papa? Some guy I hope to never meet.

I have never quite gotten the expression, “Who’s your daddy?”  This phrase is usually uttered by some machismo douche-asaurus banging some bar skank with a tramp stamp tattoo and daddy issues.  I supposed that is appropriate considering she is looking for a father figure and he is fulfilling a stereotype.  But think about it for a moment.  Who wants to fantasize about banging a family member?  Last I checked incest is lower on the evolutionary scale than bestiality.  Sure I fantasize about banging someone else’s family members, but that is above the board and legal.  I’m more likely to grunt in the throes of wanton lust, “Who’s your daddy’s favorite employee?”  Bob, if you’re reading this, this is purely hypothetical and I did not engage in illicit fornication in your boathouse while wearing your prized captain’s hat.  I also have no idea where those stains on the wall came from.  But I do know where that papaya salsa that you and your delightfully innocent daughter are enjoying. Handcrafted by the same hands that help run your empire.  You’re welcome.  Do you mind if I borrow Rochelle for sec?  I need her help tossing this salad. Read the rest of this entry »


ARTICHOKE HEARTBREAKERS

January 27, 2016
You're a artichoke heartbreaker, love-maker, bed-shaker!

You’re a artichoke heartbreaker, love-maker, bed-shaker!

Hear that high-pitched sound not unlike a champagne glass shattering against the wall? That’s a million hearts being broken by this ass-gettin’ APHRODISIAC appetizer. The hook is that it’s baked, not deep-fried, keeping those asses slimmer and more inclined to get down later. Don’t wallow in bloated oily malaise. Bake those hearts before you break more hearts. I figured this out when I brought a platter for a playoff party. The diehard fans were crushed by the loss, but they took solace with my healthy-ish finger food. One particularly devastated, but delicious female fan got an extra dose of comforting by the chef. Soon her sorrow over her team’s seasonal demise was overshadowed by the fact I didn’t call her again. I still feel bad, but my calendar is jam-packed for the next month with more hearts to break. Next! Read the rest of this entry »


FIG-TASTIC VOYAGE

January 19, 2016
Come along and munch on our fig-tastic...

Come along and munch on our fig-tastic...

The journey to the center of this aphrodisiac is about to begin.  First we’ll shrink ourselves down using technology we reversed-engineered from the potion our corporate spy Alice swiped from Wonderland.  Now that we are tiny as microbes, the real adventure begins.  Our goal?  To figure out what makes figs so goddamn sexy.  Our field-tests have proven that the probability of premarital sex after consuming fresh figs rises exponentially.  One might just say it becomes a foregone conclusion.  Regardless, we need to understand the science so that we can duplicate it, shrink it into pill form and mass-market to college kids.  Only then can the next fantastic voyage begin.  All aboard! Read the rest of this entry »


LOVE ME (CHICKEN) TENDER

November 9, 2015
chicken-tenders-served

Love me tender, Love me baked, They'll never tell you no!

So it’s game day.  Are you ready for some football?  Damn straight!  Do you have your jersey?  Check!  Beer helmet? Mos def!  The case of brewskies?  You know it?  The appetizer your friend asked you to bring for their Super Bowl party?  Wait, what?  You do know that the game starts in an hour, right?  Oh, &$%#!  Before you go postal on us, just know COOK TO BANG has a solution for you.  This dish is simple enough for a syphilitic monkey to do and a guaranteed football crowd pleaser.  You will inspire greatness in everyone attending who will then sing your praises, followed by a chorus of Queen’s “We Are The Champions.” Now that you have your theme song backing you up, turn your attention to that single hottie across the room.  Walk right over, sit down next to them, and offer baked piece of heaven. Way to go, champ! Read the rest of this entry »