WHO’S YOUR PAPAYA SALSA?

January 28, 2016
Who's your papa?  Some guy I hope to never meet.

Who’s your papa? Some guy I hope to never meet.

I have never quite gotten the expression, “Who’s your daddy?”  This phrase is usually uttered by some machismo douche-asaurus banging some bar skank with a tramp stamp tattoo and daddy issues.  I supposed that is appropriate considering she is looking for a father figure and he is fulfilling a stereotype.  But think about it for a moment.  Who wants to fantasize about banging a family member?  Last I checked incest is lower on the evolutionary scale than bestiality.  Sure I fantasize about banging someone else’s family members, but that is above the board and legal.  I’m more likely to grunt in the throes of wanton lust, “Who’s your daddy’s favorite employee?”  Bob, if you’re reading this, this is purely hypothetical and I did not engage in illicit fornication in your boathouse while wearing your prized captain’s hat.  I also have no idea where those stains on the wall came from.  But I do know where that papaya salsa that you and your delightfully innocent daughter are enjoying. Handcrafted by the same hands that help run your empire.  You’re welcome.  Do you mind if I borrow Rochelle for sec?  I need her help tossing this salad. Read the rest of this entry »


NAUGHTY MAHI

January 26, 2015
Naughty Mahi, what a tasty whore!

Naughty Mahi, what a tasty whore!

There are a lot of slutty fish out there.  The puffer fish for one has been known to service just about anything aquatic with a pulse.  But no fish is quite so whorish as the mahi mahi.  Known to some as the dolphin fish, mahi mahi takes after their sex-crazed mammal namesake.  Dolphins are known to attempt banging humans, but dolphin fish manage to pull it off and usually on camera for a couple of fish.  I can imagine the Animal Planet viewers reading this believe I am making this up.  To these naysayers I warn, “Enter the water at your own peril…or pleasure.”  Getting molested by a large fish isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  First, you risk drowning long before you reach orgasm.  Second, you can be sure the dolphin fish will never call you again.  Don’t buy that it’s because fish don’t own phones.  The bastard could certainly borrow a phone from a fisherman or something.  But in spite of the slut factor of mahi mahi, they taste mighty fine.  Mahi mahi doesn’t require much prep time so there’s no need to wait like you would for some tease to put out until date 3.  Throw in some sautéed veggies, PAPAYA SALSA and avocado and your date will take on the trampy qualities so beloved in the Naughty Mahi. Read the rest of this entry »


COSTA RICA CHICA CHICKEN

July 16, 2014
Which Costa Boasta the Mosta Rica Chicas?

Which Costa Boasta the Mosta Rica Chicas?

I have traveled the world sampling the finest food and women. Each has its own unique taste, smell and overall experience. Some are memorable like this simple chicken sandwich in a baguette I ate in Paris, while the same thing I ate in Des Moines, Iowa was as forgettable as that Matt LeBlanc show after Friends. The same can be said about certain late night rendezvous where I’ll never forget the first girl to show up at my house with strawberries and cream, but am trying to forget about the one who brought BBQ sauce and coleslaw. This research is done in the name of Cooking and Banging. I do not take it lightly! But one particularly memorable CTB story took place in Costa Rica. I met a senorita that laughed at me from the beach as I attempted to surf. My Spanglish worked well enough to charm her into inviting me over for a post-surf lunch. This chica’s abuela was making this chicken dish in her tiny kitchen. I ignored her granddaughter and assister her in making this dish. The ploy to choose the chica’s grandmother’s company over hers became a double checkmate. Not only did I learn and document an awesome new recipe, but the semi-jealous chica also made sure that I was completely satisfied after lunch in the hammock. Read the rest of this entry »