WHO’S YOUR PAPAYA SALSA?

January 28, 2016
Who's your papa?  Some guy I hope to never meet.

Who’s your papa? Some guy I hope to never meet.

I have never quite gotten the expression, “Who’s your daddy?”  This phrase is usually uttered by some machismo douche-asaurus banging some bar skank with a tramp stamp tattoo and daddy issues.  I supposed that is appropriate considering she is looking for a father figure and he is fulfilling a stereotype.  But think about it for a moment.  Who wants to fantasize about banging a family member?  Last I checked incest is lower on the evolutionary scale than bestiality.  Sure I fantasize about banging someone else’s family members, but that is above the board and legal.  I’m more likely to grunt in the throes of wanton lust, “Who’s your daddy’s favorite employee?”  Bob, if you’re reading this, this is purely hypothetical and I did not engage in illicit fornication in your boathouse while wearing your prized captain’s hat.  I also have no idea where those stains on the wall came from.  But I do know where that papaya salsa that you and your delightfully innocent daughter are enjoying. Handcrafted by the same hands that help run your empire.  You’re welcome.  Do you mind if I borrow Rochelle for sec?  I need her help tossing this salad. Read the rest of this entry »


LEEK MY TATER SOUP

November 11, 2015
Lickable leeks + penetrated potatoes = sensual soup

Lickable leeks + penetrated potatoes = sensual soup

Nothing can top a good leeking.  Pull your mind out of the gutter because I speak only of soup and soup-related matters.  And on the subject of soup, you can’t really beat hot liquid love.  No, siree!  This soup almost makes you wish the winter would drag on.  To those snowed in with cabin fever, I said ALMOST.    After hauling your ass in from the brutal bitch slap of old man winter you want something hearty to bro-hug you back to life.  Lucky for you, potatoes and leeks keep quite well until the bitter end of frost.  So do us all a favor and put the gun down and pick up a knife…to cut some veggies.  We have abstained from using heavy, fattening cream in the hope that you don’t abstain from banging afterwards.  As comforting and gratifying as this healthy, homemade soup is, there is no substitute for a warm body to touch inappropriately.  So let one lead into the other.  This recipe was brought to you by the International Association of Soup Groups. Read the rest of this entry »


TRAMPY SCAMPI

August 21, 2015
The Lady and the Trampy Scampi

The Lady and the Trampy Scampi

I used to stamp my little feet as a child when someone called me a shrimp.  It drove me batty that I wasn’t a “big kid”.  Time changes everything.  Call me a shrimp as an adult and I’ll thank you, and then fantasize about buttery, garlicky goodness.  I am the first to admit that I’ll get trampy for shrimp scampi.  A note to the ladies: you too can put a man like myself under your spell with this dish. There’s something amazing about cooking shellfish in this velvet sauce that grants the chef the power of mind control.  It’s been that way ever since I stole the recipe from a heavily guarded underground vault in Switzerland.  Sure I am wanted by Interpol, but I did it all for you, dear reader.  Who loves ya? Read the rest of this entry »


TOFU SUMMER ROLLS IN THE HAY

June 8, 2015
Summer rolling with the homies

Summer rolling with the homies

Summertime calls for lighter fare so we can hone our buns, abs and groins of steel.  Gone are the big coats that hide our blubbery bits.  If you want to bang you gotta look bangable.  So it’s time to put the dairy and beef products aside and get healthy.  Vegan food can be boring if you let it.  But how many obese vegans do you know?  My advice is to embrace the Asian fusion hippie party time.  Be sure your date notices how cultured and sensitive you are.  Play it off like you’ve gone green, instead of just greedy for more banging. If you want to roll in the hay, you better start rolling. Read the rest of this entry »


BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY

December 15, 2014
This chicken curry will inspire you to bango like the tango.

This chicken curry will inspire you to bango like the tango.

This sexy dish was inspired by a mango chicken curry I had at an Indian restaurant in Sydney, Australia.  I’m not sure if it was the food or the beautiful waitress who served it to me, but something changed in me that day.  And I’m not just talking about the growth in my pants.  Mango and curry together unlock something primal.  Sweet, spicy and sensual.  You really can’t go wrong serving a date this…unless you accidentally spill the contents in their lap.  This happened to me.  But my date was more hungry than outraged so all was forgiven the moment she took her first bite.  I did have to dab up the mess on designer jeans.  But you form an intimate bond once you’ve cleaned curry off someone’s crotch.  Plus I removed my pants to make her feel more comfortable while her jeans were in the wash.  I’m empathetic like that. Read the rest of this entry »


FO REAL YO! TOMATILLO SALSA

June 17, 2014

Salsa your way across the dancefloor to the snack table for more salsa!

This recipe comes courtesy of Derek in Denver, CO. This badass tomatillo salsa recipe has been scoring him smoking hot granola girls by the bakers dozen. Derek writes:

Salsa salsa salsa! Nothing like a simple a perfect combination of Mexican spices, flavors, and cajones to inspire some sexy time. We got the right amount of flavor and heat without sending anyone home crying for their mommies. And this will come in handy as you lay out your finest game. I find that this recipe is all that and a bag of chips. Tortilla chips. I hope your readers enjoy as much I have enjoyed the fairer sex of Colorado! Read the rest of this entry »


MO’ LAYS CHICKEN MOLE

August 14, 2013
making out on your bed.

Holy mole, Batman! You got Cat Woman and Poison Ivy right where you want them: making out on your bed.

I hope you’re not too busy because your calendar is about to get busy. Learn to make this dish right and you won’t be lacking in dinner dates for a long time. Meet the enchanting Mexican mole. The chili/chocolate APHRODISIAC double play rides backseat to the powerful array of flavors rocking this dish. The Aztec, Italian, Spanish and Mexican cultures together inspired what became a literal melting pot of delicious cuisine. Chicken will never be the same after you bake it in what is in essence spicy chocolate sauce. Mole has warmed up my winter turning my street cred platinum. I have hotties I barely know inquiring via facebook when I’ll make them say “Holy mole!” Soon. Very soon. Read the rest of this entry »