March 25, 2016
Who’s up for a fling with some chicken wings?
These chicken wings were made in a rush for a party watching the NBA Finals. It is the only time even non-basketball geeks hop aboard the fan-wagon. That was certainly the case with my buddy’s girlfriend and her sorority sisters. Uninformed, screaming girls and high stakes sports don’t mix. But one of them had a cute smile that screamed “bad girl on board”. So I ignored the game and made sure she tried my latest and greatest recipe. The spicy, APHRODISIAC triple-threat in the wings did the trick. We both blew off the party to have our own NBA: National Banging Association. I just found out who won the game because I have been her sexual captive.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp of HONEY
2. 1 tbsp of Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
3. 1 tbsp of brown sugar
4. 4 green onions chopped coarsely
5. 1 lb of defrosted chicken wings
6. ½ a lemon
7. 1 handful of chopped BASIL
Step 1
Marinate the chicken in the lemon, cilantro, green onions, brown sugar, honey and Sriracha sauce. Mix it together and allow it to marinate in the fridge (at least 15mins).
Step 2
Cook the wings in a large deep pan on medium-high heat. Cover the chicken and cook until meat browns (approx 15 min). Flip the chicken, recover and cook until all the sauce cooks into the meat (approx 10 min).
Serve up the wings up solo or with your favorite condom-ment.
2 Comments | 
aphrodisiac, asian, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, poultry, RECIPES, spicy, thai | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, bad girl on board, bang, banging, bar food, basketball, California, chicken wing fling recipe, college basketballetball, delicious, DIY, easy, fan-wagon, finger food, Florida, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, Lakers, libido, los angeles, Magic, march madness, naked, national banging association, National Basketball Association, NBA, NBA Finals, Orlando, poultry, recipe, seduce, sex, sexual captive, sorority, spicy, spicy chicken wing recipe, sports, tasty, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
March 16, 2016
Lick lick lick its so sick sick sick (as in good)!
Apply your whole tongue. Don’t be shy now. You want to start from the base and work that saliva up and down and all around the nub. You’re doing something right when there’s twitching and squirming. How else are you supposed to suck every bit of flavor our of a pot sticker soup? I’m all ears if you have a better idea. For now, we’ll just have to settle for overzealous tongue action that renders your company slaphappy and craving a cigarette even when they don’t smoke. This Thai inspired soup guide your taste organ to its happy ending.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Thai beer
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can Tom Yum Soup*
2. ½ can coconut milk*
3.1 handful green onions chopped
4. 1 handful cilantro chopped
5. 2 handfuls of frozen gyoza/pot-stickers*
6. 1 wedge lime (not pictured)
*available at Asian markets
Step 1
Boil the pot-stickers in the Tom Yum soup until they soften (approx 5 min). Use a spatula to break them up in bite-sized pieces.
Step 2
Pour in the coconut milk along with the green onions, cilantro and limejuice and simmer, stirring occasionally (approx 3 min).
Serve soup up in bowls with solo or a kick ass ENTRÉE.
Leave a Comment » | asian, fusion, healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, poultry, spicy, thai | Tagged: asian, bang, banging, broth, cigarette, cilantro, coconut milk, delicious, DIY, easy, food, frozen pot sticker, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, gyoza, happy ending, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lick her pot sticker soup, lime, naked, nub, pot sticker soup recipe, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, spicy, tasty, thai, thai soup recipe, Thailand, tom yum soup, tongue, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 5, 2016
Slap on that codpiece and eat some goddamn cod!
I generally don’t recommend being bashful and covering up your naughty bits. But for some reason it has been deemed socially unacceptable to prance around naked in public. So when social decorum outweighs your exhibitionist tendencies, you need to figure out a classy way to cover up. Bring on the codpiece! Your most shocking parts will be hidden from view, yet you will leave everyone guessing what you could possibly be packing. And that’s just where you want to be. Apply this same hidden package of awesome theory to the meal you serve to your date. Nothing packs quite a flavor wallop like this black cod dish I made as an afterthought. The task at hand was preparing MISO HORNY COD that has been dropping panties since 2003. But I had leftover cod that required my swift attention lest these beautiful cuts of fish go the way of slap bracelets. So my date the following night was given a rarefied chance to try something new and totally untested. This dish is what follows and thank god for that! Lord knows she was thanking god in her own lascivious way. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, Japanese, RECIPES, seafood, thai | Tagged: 2003, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, black cod, cilantro, Coconut cod-piece recipe, coconut mango cod recipe, coconut milk, codpiece, cover up, delicious, DIY, easy, exhibitionist, fish, food, game changer, get laid, god, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, hidden package, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lascivious, libido, lime, macadamia nut, mango, naked, nude, olive oil, orange bell pepper, recipe, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 26, 2016
- Thai me up, Thai me down, Thai one on!
That’s right! You know how to do what you do so do it. Ooh ooh, baby, do it one more time. I can’t get enough of your tasty taste. It’s so exotic, so flavorful, so foreign to my white bread existence. Suddenly all the TV Dinner memories are evaporating into adventures in Thailand. I’m on a beach getting my hair braided. I’m in the jungle communing with shaman living in a tree house. I’m in Bangkok breaking all 10 Commandments. It’s all because you spice up my life. Keep it up. Now that I’ve tasted the East, these noodles will keep the memories alive at the very least. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, poultry, RECIPES, spicy, thai | Tagged: 10 commandments, asian, bang, Bangkok, Bangkok dangerous, beach, braided, broccoli, carbohydrates, carbs, chicken, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, happy ending, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, kwong hung seng sauce, mushroom, naked, noodles, oh baby!, oyster sauce, Pad see ew recipe, pad see ooh baby, recipe, rice noodles, seduce, sex, shaman, siam, simple pad see ew, spicy, stir fry, sweet, tasty, thai, Thailand, tree house, tv dinner, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 18, 2015
Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella’s, but with way more umph!
Halloween is upon us. Truth be told, I’d take Halloween over Christmas, Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa combined. Something about turning yourself into someone or something else just whets my appetite for destruction. Unspeakable acts of mayhem and perversion have occurred on my Halloween watch. The fact I don’t remember much of it seems beside the point. The pretentious side of me finds the whole transformation thing very Kafka, while the idiotic derelict in me just thinks it’s a great excuse become reckless. So I always apply this theory to my pumpkins each year. My Halloween tradition is to purchase two pumpkins, one to carve into sarcastic social commentary, and the other less pretty pumpkin I demand for free becomes something delicious. So I pimped my pumpkin into a soup with Thai-style flavor. The lucky lady who joined me for the jack-off-lantern carving party did agree and demonstrated her appreciation the old fashioned way…orally.
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: MO MOJO MOJITOS
Ingredients (for six):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 4 cups chicken stock (use vegetable stock to make vegan)
3. 2 cups coconut milk
4. 2-3 lb pumpkin
5. Salt at your discretion
6. 1 teaspoon dried lemongrass
7. 1 onion chopped coarsely
8. 1 small handful of freshly sliced GINGER
9. Lime wedges to squeeze into soup
Step 1
Cut the ends off the pumpkin, skin it, slice in half, scoop out the seeds and gunk, and slice into chunks.
Step 2
Sauté the ginger and onions with 1 tbsp of olive oil, spicing it with lemongrass (approx 5 min). Add the pumpkin, throw in the remaining olive oil and sauté until the pumpkins soften (approx 7 min).
Step 3
Add the stock and bring to a boil. Turn the heat down low and simmer (approx 35 min). Puree the soup, add the coconut milk, and heat through. Squeeze some lime into each bowl you ladle up.
Serve up this with some Thai NOODLES and you’re sure to have a happy ending.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, spicy, thai, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetite for destruction, bang, banging, calivirgin, chicken stock, coconut milk, delicious, DIY, easy, fall, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, Halloween, harvest, homemade, intercourse, jack-o-lantern, jack-off-lantern, kafka, kitchen, lemongrass, libido, limejuice, mayhem, naked, olive oil, onion, perversion, pimpin’ pumpkin soup recipe, puree, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, spicy, tasty, thai, thai style pumpkin soup recipe, Thailand, transformation, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 9, 2015
Get their curry in a flurry 'til their eyes go blurry.
Rule #1 of gaming is to never be too eager. Desperation is herpes to your prospects. Why rush the inevitable by being a needy little bitch? The best seductions simmer to the point you can’t resist taking a nibble. Serve it up too soon and you will barely enjoy the undercooked, underwhelming sensations to follow. Don’t repeat my tragic blunders by rushing the vibe when it ain’t solid. The only thing you’ll have is a shiny new pair of blue balls. Granted there are certain opportunities to pounce on post haste. These are fun, but fleeting. When it comes creating something exceptional, a little restraint never hurt nobody no how. I’m not suggesting pussing out entirely like some chump. Just know when to hold ‘em; know when to fold ‘em; and know when to bang ‘em. Now savor every last morsel of their curry, champ! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, spicy, thai, vegan, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, blue balls, blunder, cilantro, coconut milk, delicious, desperation, DIY, eager, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, naked, never hurry their curry recipe, olive oil, onion, post haste, pussing, recipe, red curry, rushing the vibe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, simmer, tasty, thai, Thailand, vegan, vegetarian, vegetarian red curry recipe, yummy, zucchini | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 7, 2014
What did one ball say to the other? "Who's the prik king in the middle?"
I know what they’ve been saying. All that negativity and name-calling! I can dismiss it as petty jealousy, a result of being this awesome. But even though you can interpret it as a compliment, it still hurts. You know? Packing heat is a blessing, but goddamn! Even the most gifted culinary Casanovas have feelings that get bruised when mean things are said. So what if someone calls me the Prik King? Clearly they are jealous of my royal status and largess of dowry. All the red curry and green beans in the world won’t change the fact that I am living the dream, while they can only dream. It’s a start. But why can’t we compromise? Perhaps the haters could learn from me instead and in turn use their new skills to create a better life. OR they can keep smack talking and in turn make me look even cooler and more dangerous to the opposite sex. Either way, I win. But there’s room for more winners on the podium. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | asian, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, spicy, thai | Tagged: bang, banging, chicken, classic, culinary Casanova, delicious, DIY, dowry, dream, easy, food, game changer, get laid, goddamn, gourmet, green beans, guarantee, haters, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, largess, libido, meat, naked, name-calling, negativity, onion, packing heat, podium, poultry, prik king recipe, recipe, red curry, royal, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, smack talking, spicy, sugar, tasty, thai, thai food, Thailand, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 30, 2013
You a pimp or a shrimp?
This recipe comes courtesy of Pete in Brooklyn, NY. Great title, great combination of things I love. Pete writes:
When that Portobello just won’t do as its told, shrimp slap it. Yank at it, scrape it up, stuff it good and proper. There will be no more of that disrespecting your taste buds. You will get yours with this recipe. If you fail with this dish, you fail at living the good life. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, contests, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood, spicy, thai | Tagged: aphrodisiac, baked, bang, banging, Brooklyn, calivirgin, delicious, DIY, easy, food, fusion, game changer, get laid, gills, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, ny, nyc, olive oil, pimp slap, Portobello mushrooms, raw shrimp, recipe, scrape, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, shower, shrimp slap the portobell-ho, shrimp stuffed Portobello mushrooms recipe, shrooms, spicy, Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce, stuff, taste buds, tasty, thai, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 13, 2012
The resourceful bird gets the worm and makes their lovers squirm with glee.
One good spaghetti squash recipe deserves another. The first round was ITALIAN PASTA STYLE; this is an Asian spicy noodle version that maximizes the low-carb way of life. Truth be told, these spaghetti squash strands were leftovers I had no clue how to make. But I was hung over one morning with some random piece of strange from the night before whose name I couldn’t remember for the life of me sleeping in my bed. I thought perhaps some sustenance would jar my brain into remembering who the hell this naked hottie was still snoring. Carbs help soak up alcohol, but to my chagrin, my roommate finished up my rice noodles. My head was pounding too hard to act anything but resourceful. Many thanks to the leftover spaghetti squash strands that were a champion noodle substitute. My mystery date dug them too. And my roommate redeemed herself for her early offense by introducing herself to the beautiful stranger, hence arming me with a name. It made things easier when I asked the less-mysterious girl to leave before my lunch date arrived. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, atkins, Chinese, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, spicy, thai, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, Chinese, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, fast, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, hung over, intercourse, italian, kitchen, leftovers, libido, low-carb, mystery girl, naked, recipe, red cabbage, resourceful, roommate, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, spaghetti squash, Spaghetti squash asian noodles recipe, spaghetti squash nudey noodles, spicy, spicy spaghetti squash recipe, sriracha chili sauce, stir fry, strange, tasty, thai, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 6, 2009
Yes, mistress. Please, mistress. Thank you, mistress.
Kinky is my middle name. Actually it’s Patrick, but I’m considering changing it. I wouldn’t call myself an S&M guy, but I do enjoy pushing the envelope behind closed doors with consenting adults. What’s the point of boring sex? Why half-ass your goal after you put all this effort into convincing someone to get naked? I don’t personally own handcuffs, but I’ve been cuffed to a bed with leopard print bonds. My mistress/lover for the night was rough at times, and then sweet, then rough and so on. It was pretty hot. Melting candle wax on my nipples was just painful, but it was still an experience I remember fondly. The best part is after we were done, we had takeout Pad Thai that she fed me since my hands were still attached to her headboard. That was one of my favorite Thai food memories, which I have since relived in subtle, less painful ways. So here’s my own take on this classic recipe with a little extra sexy thrown into the mix. Just be sure to have a safety word when engaging in Thai-style COOK TO BANG.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Thai iced tea or beer
Ingredients (serves 2, with post-coital leftovers):
1. 2 tbsp vegetable oil
2. 1-package rice noodles
3. 1 tbsp fish sauce
4. 1 tbsp soy sauce
5. 2 OZ Pad Thai sauce
6. Limejuice to taste
7. 2 eggs
8. 6 green onions chopped coarsely
9. FRIED TOFU
10. 1 red CHILI chopped finely
11. 2 handful chopped peanuts
12. ½ lb SHRIMP
13. ½ lb chicken cut in bite-sized pieces
Step 1
Marinate the raw chicken with the soy sauce, fish sauce and limejuice (approx 15 min). Cook the chicken in a pan until they brown (approx 3 min). Add the shrimp and cook it all together (approx 2).
Step 2
Bring a pot of water to a boil, turn the heat low and cook the rice noodles al dente (approx 4 min) and drain. Heat up the oil in deep pan or wok. Add the noodles and mix in the pad Thai sauce thoroughly. Cook in the chicken, shrimp, fried tofu and green onions.
Step 3
Beat the two eggs and cook flat in a pan like a pancake. Jimmy the eggs off the pan an crown the noodles with it. When serving, throw a handful of peanuts and squeeze some lime over it.
These kinky noodles go great with a BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, poultry, RECIPES, seafood, spicy, thai | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, candle wax, carbohydrates, carbs, chicken, chili, delicious, DIY, dominatrix, easy, eggs, fish sauce, food, fried tofu, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, libido, limejuice, mistress, naked, nipples, noodles, pad thai me up recipe, pad thai recipe, pad thai sauce, peanuts, recipe, rice noodes, s&m, sado-masochism, safety word, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, soy sauce, takeout, tasty, thai, Thailand, tie me up, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 