WINTER VEGGIE STIR-FRY ORGY

February 10, 2016

Lights, camera, hardcore action!

Winter vegetables are way kinkier than anyone credits them for.  It’s sort of like the meek librarian who sluts it up in Vegas or the mild-mannered accountant that spends his lunch hour at a dominatrix dungeon. There’s always something sinful underneath the surface. Sometimes you just gotta dig a little. You dig? That is what I learned when I threw a little get together for my winter veggie friends. We all had a few drinks, noshed on some shrooms, and then played some Al Green. What happened next was straight out of a bad 70’s porno. The radish made cad remarks to the broccoli about her fine looking stalk and then broke out some aphrodisiacs they used as sex toys. Once things got saucy there was nothing I could do but grab the camera like a good porn director would. Fingers crossed that my little veggie porn wins at the 2010 AVN Awards for best Group Sex and/or Midget Felatio Film.

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Cabernet

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 dash salt
2. 1 tbsp OYSTER sauce (substitute w/ soy sauce to make vegan)
3. 2 tbsp sesame oil
4. 1 white radish
5. 1 head broccoli
6. 2 tbsp GINGER finely chopped
7. 1 tbsp BASIL finely chopped
8. 1/2 package mushrooms sliced thinly

Step 1
First rinse the white radishes, chop up the stems, and slice radish rounds thinly. Wash the broccoli, chop the ends of the stock away so the trees break apart, and chop up the broccoli leaves if you have them.

Step 2
Heat up the sesame oil in the pan on medium heat. Saute the ginger (approx 1 min). Lay the radish evenly around the pan, adding the basil and salt, cooking until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in the broccoli, broccoli leaves, radish stems, and mushrooms. Stir-fry away once you add the oyster sauce until the leaves wilt and broccoli softens (approx 4 min).

This stir-fry is a perfect solo act, but would do nicely with something CARBOLUSCIOUS.

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COOK TO BANG HOME INVASIONS VIDEO

April 23, 2010

Back in September I took Cook To Bang ON THE ROAD for a month courtesy of Jet Blue’s All-You-Can-Jet Pass. I reached out to CTB readers, old friends, old flames, and random hotties on my many flights to find gaggles of girls to cook for. The challenge was to create three-course meals using only what I found in their fridges and panties, I mean pantries. There were easy ones and total clusterfucks. I raided University of Illinois, Chicago dorm rooms for food and somehow created salad, nachos, steamed asparagus, and epic fail peanut butter cookies for 25 students. Editor extraordinaire Gary Evans edited this sizzle reel from 9½ hours of footage. Yes, that is what I look like.

You might be able to cook better if you don’t live in a dorm and just take classes from home.

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CTB: HOME INVASIONS

September 9, 2009

CTB HOME INVASIONS poster

Thanks to the good people at Jet Blue who sold me the All-You-Can-Jet Pass, I’m taking COOK TO BANG on the road.  For the rest of September and half of October, my ass will be cooking meals in strangers’ homes all across America.

My challenge: to create a feast with only ingredients I find in their fridge and cupboards.  These exploits will be filmed and edited into something that will be, at the very least, amusing as I transform stale Cheetos and a brillo pad into a culinary masterpiece using only a hot plate.  The following cities are on notice during these dates:

New York, NY – September 10-15

Miami, FL – September 16-17

New Orleans, LA – September 18-20

Denver, CO – September 22-24

Chicago, IL – September 26-27

Charlotte, NC – September 28-29

San Francisco, CA – OCTOBER 2-4

Las Vegas, NV – OCTOBER 8-11

If you live in one of these cities and are down for a delicious experiment, send an e-mail to:

ctbhomeinvasions@gmail.com

Stay tuned for delicious footage to follow.  And now back to our regularly scheduled tomfoolery.