February 10, 2016
Lights, camera, hardcore action!
Winter vegetables are way kinkier than anyone credits them for. It’s sort of like the meek librarian who sluts it up in Vegas or the mild-mannered accountant that spends his lunch hour at a dominatrix dungeon. There’s always something sinful underneath the surface. Sometimes you just gotta dig a little. You dig? That is what I learned when I threw a little get together for my winter veggie friends. We all had a few drinks, noshed on some shrooms, and then played some Al Green. What happened next was straight out of a bad 70’s porno. The radish made cad remarks to the broccoli about her fine looking stalk and then broke out some aphrodisiacs they used as sex toys. Once things got saucy there was nothing I could do but grab the camera like a good porn director would. Fingers crossed that my little veggie porn wins at the 2010 AVN Awards for best Group Sex and/or Midget Felatio Film.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Cabernet
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 dash salt
2. 1 tbsp OYSTER sauce (substitute w/ soy sauce to make vegan)
3. 2 tbsp sesame oil
4. 1 white radish
5. 1 head broccoli
6. 2 tbsp GINGER finely chopped
7. 1 tbsp BASIL finely chopped
8. 1/2 package mushrooms sliced thinly
Step 1
First rinse the white radishes, chop up the stems, and slice radish rounds thinly. Wash the broccoli, chop the ends of the stock away so the trees break apart, and chop up the broccoli leaves if you have them.
Step 2
Heat up the sesame oil in the pan on medium heat. Saute the ginger (approx 1 min). Lay the radish evenly around the pan, adding the basil and salt, cooking until they soften (approx 3 min). Throw in the broccoli, broccoli leaves, radish stems, and mushrooms. Stir-fry away once you add the oyster sauce until the leaves wilt and broccoli softens (approx 4 min).
This stir-fry is a perfect solo act, but would do nicely with something CARBOLUSCIOUS.
4 Comments | 
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Posted by cooktobang
February 8, 2016
The Chinese have given us so much: taoism, kung fu and food fusion.
This SALAD is so goddamn precocious. It thinks it can get away with anything because it is so nutritious and low fat. I turned my back for a second and it had already invited all its buddies over to my place for a salad tossing party. Don’t mistake me for some prude. I do a website called Cook To Bang after all. But these salads got buck wild under my roof. They drank all my booze, wore all my favorite clothes and one them took a joyride in my car. If you see a CHARRED OCTOPUSSY SALAD driving a Volvo be sure to tell it to return my wheels. But in spite of all the annoyance, I have such a soft spot for Chinese Chicken Salad that I’ll let it go. Not sure I could say the same for the COBB & BALLS SALAD.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE or Arnold Palmer…w/ vodka
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp soy sauce
2. 1 tsp sesame seeds
3. 1 tbsp HONEY
4. 1 can water chestnuts
5. 1 can/jar mandarin oranges
6. 1 tsp minced GINGER
7. 1 carrot shredded
8. 1/3 red cabbage cut in strips
9. 1/3 green cabbage cut on strips
10. 1 chicken breast
Step 1
Pan-steam the chicken in a thin layer of water, flipping once (approx 15 min). Cut the meat into cubes.
Step 2
Create the dressing by whisking together the soy sauce, honey, sesame seeds and ginger.
Step 3
Toss the green cabbage, red cabbage, carrot, drained water chestnuts drained mandarin oranges and chicken with the dressing.
Serve up on plates for a perfect lunchtime quickie.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Asian chicken salad recipe, bang, banging, carrot, Cheeky Chinese chicken salad recipe, chicken breast, china, Chinese, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green cabbage, greens, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, libido, low fat, mandarin oranges, naked, nutritious, pan-steam, recipe, red cabbage, roughage, salad, salad party, salad tossing, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame, sex, soy sauce, tasty, toss my salad, Volvo, water chestnuts, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 11, 2016
Dream a little obscene dream
I dream a little dream every day. My dreams do not consist of me running in a field of daffodils holding hands with my pure-as-virgin-snow fiancé. There is no discussion of curtain rods and where to hang the menacing portrait of her father in our bedroom so he can watch us “make grandchildren”. That is another man’s dream that I find boringly obscene. My dreams are of the social derelict variety. They are filled with morally questionable fluids that get all over the bed, walls and playtime companions’ faces. The soundtrack consists of gasps, moans, and cracks from my flat hand connecting with firm backsides. You could hook my brain up to your DVR and I’d single-handedly put Skinemax out of business. My lawyers are already in discussion with Time Warner, but it comes down how many private islands I will receive stocked with island girls…coming soon to a living room near you. Perverted as I am, I’m also a glutton in my dreams. And this Chinese style scallop recipe came out of one such decadent dream. Enjoy these nocturnal emissions on your plate! Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, celery, china, Chinese, cinemax, citrus, delicious, DIY, easy, fiancé, food, game changer, gasps, get laid, ginger, glutton, gourmet, grandchildren, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, island girls, kitchen, libido, lime, moans, naked, nocturnal emissions, obscene tangerine dream scallops recipe, oyster sauce, recipe, red bell pepper, scallops, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, Skinemax, social derelict, soy sauce, spicy, Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce, tangerine, tangerine scallops recipe, tasty, tivo, vegetable oil, virgin, vitamin c, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 7, 2015
Eggplant No Pants, Eggplant No Pants, Eggplant NO PANTS!
Who lives in garden and bangs veggies?
Eggplant No Pants!
Delicious and decadent and devious is he.
Eggplant No Pants!
If food orgy mayhem is somethin’ ya wish
Eggplant No Pants!
Then load the aphrodisiacs into this dish.
Eggplant No Pants!
Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, cartoon, china, Chinese, Chinese eggplant recipe, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, eggplant no-pants, family friendly, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, naked, nickelodeon, oyster sauce, recipe, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, Serrano chili, sex, sex appeal, soy sauce, spasmodic, spicy, spongebob squarepants, sumptuous, tasty, toon, vegetable oil, veggies, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 22, 2014
Forgive the food slur and start to purr
Don’t say I didn’t warn you. This is not a test of the emergency broadcast center. There will definitely be something wrong with your TV once I unleash the fury. The Chinese have responded to a white man’s attempt at a classic dish. UN resolutions were passed, harsh censures and condemnations issued, apologies accepted that rebuked. Who would have thought me taking a little creative license in the kitchen to try to impress a cute Chinese citizen would cause such international crisis? Granted, homegirl wasn’t impressed for authentic it was not. But tasty it was. Perhaps I can explain that to the lynch mob surrounding my house with pitchforks. Newsflash, douche bags: my head on a platter won’t smooth things over. Only the diplomacy in my pants will do. Now fly me to Beijing! Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Chinese, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: bang, banging, Beijing, chicken breast, china, Chinese, cilantro, cornstarch, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, it’s on! Szechuan eggplant, kitchen, libido, lynch mob, ms. Chinatown, naked, oyster sauce, proc, recipe, red chili peppers, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame chili oil, sex, soy sauce, stir fry, sugar, Szechuan eggplant recipe, Szechuan province, tasty, UN, united nations, yellow bell pepper, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
